Now the County is involved again, with report of Vulnerable Adult for 4th time. Nurse is very concerned for their safety. My 6 siblings are withdrawn. Is it up to me to tell him they're moving? I have POA for both. Mom is non verbal, in diapers, needing more and more care. They have home health care twice week and nurse visit once week. They live in the country. Dad has said no to moving for last 2 1/2 years. Moms blood sugar level is 67 and Dad has tough time changing routine of giving insulin per nurse. Do I confront Dad strongly to move both and see what happens. What if I don't tell him? So frustrating to not have sibling active support.
What you do now will depend entirely on how far you want to take this and how determined you are to advocate for your mother’s safety and on some level, your father’s as well. I would explore filing for guardianship for your mother. You’ve already dealt with APS and there is paperwork. Did you ever call to find out why they never followed up?
You need to find the intestinal fortitude, overcome your fear of your father’s attitude and find a way to carry this through. Writing to us is ok for venting your frustration with the situation, but truly, we can do nothing from here.
Amijoy is a very compassionate poster here and those of us who have been reading your struggles all feel badly for you and know it’s frustrating. Sometimes we try to light a little fire under people to help move them forward. It may sound harsh since you’re so completely fed up with the situation. But we’re all here to try to help.
A blood sugar level of 67 means your mother was at high risk of descending into a coma. A coma from which she might not ever recover. You father's memory problems could just be stress related or they could be the first sign his health is failing under the demands of caring for your mother. If you continue to avoid confrontation, how are you going to feel when your mother dies from your father's care giving mistake? How is your father going to feel and react when he knows his actions contributed to your mother's death?
When I was in this spot, I decided I would rather live with the fallout of a confrontation than years of knowing I could have changed the outcome if I had acted. So I told my mother I was petitioning for guardianship of my father and if the court granted guardianship I would be placing him in MC. She resisted and tried to talk me out of it. I told her I had made up my mind and was going forward with or without her agreement; I wanted Dad to have the care he needed and I didn't want her health totally broken by trying to continue caring for him. A couple of days later, she told me she would support my guardianship petition.
I was granted guardianship, I placed Dad in MC and moved Mom in with me. Both of my parents experienced immediate improvement in their general health and spirits. A year later, both were still in better shape before their age related declines began again. My father died last March after 42 months in MC. My mother continues living in my home with very limited mobility. I can share with you that as hard as the confrontations and guardianship was, the stress was far less after Dad was safe in MC and Mom wasn't ground under with his care. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and I could see a path back to my own life again! Dad is gone but I have no guilt and few regrets because I know he had the best care I could manage. My greatest regret is I didn't act and obtain guardianship a couple of years sooner. My mother missed at least a couple of quality of life years because I delayed.
Ahmijoy is right. "You need to find the intestinal fortitude, overcome your fear of your father’s attitude and find a way to carry this through." Avoiding the confrontation might seem like the easier road, but I don't think it really is. You care too much not be impacted by the road not taken.
The REALLY harsh reality is that if your dad continues to resist better care for mom, the State will get guardianship for her and he will lose control over her placement.
Will your dad accept that he needs to play ball in this situation?
We had a similar situation with a family member. Fortunately, they were able to afford 24/7 private pay aides for my aunt's care and thus State guardianship was not implemented. However, my uncle "fired" the aides every week. Fortunately they understood that Uncle was not in charge and they hid out until he calmed down.
I feel for your situation, but clearly your mom's life is in danger. Are you afraid of dad's anger, or do you think that challenging him will cause him to dig in his heels? How do you think you can best resolve this?
If you have POA for mom, can you move just mom to a NH?