I am 72 yo. My father is nearly 99 yo and is in a wheelchair. He lives in an assisted living facility. His dementia and hallucinations are increasing. He rambles on and on about things he thinks are real. I HATE being around him. I just can't take him anymore. I feel so crushingly guilty. I don't want to be around him. My only sib moved out of the country. I know that I am a horrible daughter for feeling this way. He gets angry if I try to reorient him. Ex: he said that the director came into the dining room screaming at him to get out, flailing her arms, threatening him. He says that he roams the building all night. None of it is real. It is so so hard to sit and listen to his rantings and ramblings. I can't take any more of him, my tank is totally empty. I used to go over a couple of times a week. Now I can barely stand to go there every couple of weeks. I had a very bad childhood due to my parents mental health issues. I have come to resent him so deeply. I can't find a counselor who takes my insurance. The facility he is in does not have a support system for families. I have no one to lean on. I am desperate and overwhelmed with guilt.
That doesn't make you a bad daughter.
I would ask his doctor if there is anything that can help calm him down. It must be difficult to believe the things he does. He doesn't know it isn't real and that's where his anger comes from.
I would learn to tune out when he starts, pat answers like, oh that's to bad, mmhmmm, you must be exhausted after, I hear you, really just anything that doesn't disregard what he believes is truth.
You have made sure that he is safe and cared for, now it's time for a break to reset and fill you up. You matter too!
Compassion fatigue is a real thing; Google it. Your tank is totally empty, so is mine. I am an only child and have NOBODY to lean on but myself (and my DH) to deal with my mother who's 95 next month; I'm 64 and very, very tired AND sick and tired, too. I'd rather be anywhere else but at my mother's Memory Care AL listening to whatever nonsense she's drummed up to torture me with. So I go once a week and I call her a couple of times a week. In the interim, I call the FACILITY to see how she's doing. The NP who sees her 2x a week (at least) calls and checks in with me and THAT is how I know how my mother is doing. B/c to hear her tell it, she's dying daily and they're undressing her and lying her out on the bed but she can't recall why and on and on. She doesn't eat or sleep or do a blasted thing all day long and everyone is driving her crazy and her siblings (all dead) have abandoned her AGAIN so she's walking home (she's wheelchair bound since 2019). I don't see a therapist myself b/c nobody is going to help me through this; the only thing that will help is having this OVER with when she passes away. I don't feel guilty for saying that b/c it's the truth.
Go out and take care of YOURSELF now. Let the AL take care of your dad. See him if and when you feel mentally ready to and then stay a short while. Call the AL to check on his status in between visits. Do only what you're able b/c you're 72 years old YOURSELF! Please don't die before your father does b/c you're so stressed out and anxiety ridden over not being able to 'do' anything for him. He's lived his life of almost ONE HUNDRED YEARS already! He's well taken care of and that's what counts.
Just do one more thing: check with his doctor to see if you can get him on hospice; they can make him a lot more comfortable with anti anxiety meds that will cut down his hallucinations and delusions. I'm working on that for my mother as well. That's all we can do, really.
Wishing you the best of luck caring for YOU now.
I don't blame you for hating going to visit. It's hard. Don't try to reorient him. It's a losing battle.
And you do NOT have to go at all. Go when/if you feel like it. If it's too much, that's OK. Give yourself permission to go or not go.
If you do go, keep it short and sweet. When it starts to be too much, you can leave. If you only visit a few minutes, you've checked on him to make sure he's "ok". Bring him a snack or something and don't really engage with his ramblings. Just say vague things "oh, ok, sure". He's changed and it's no wonder it's hard to be around him.
There are ways to find mental health support out there; you will need to find them to help you move on with your life.
If you cannot any longer visit this person, then do not do so. He is receiving care. Whether you are there or not he will likely end his life as he has lived his life. Whether you witness it or not, you can do him no good. It is time to concentrate on your own life. I wish you good luck.
My mother was in memory care and I stopped visiting very much. Had a bad childhood as well as estranged adult relationship. So, I felt no guilt. You owe your parent nothing other than what they put into you. It sounds like yours didnt put much into you.
I think society irrationally puts too much pressure on children of aging parents as though the children owe their parents something. People have children for their own selfish reasons. Status. To manufacture a sense of purpose. To fit in with their peers. To retain a relationship with their spouse. To procreate their genes etc. Its all FOR THEM. Children never ask to be born. They owe their parents nothing. Conversely parents owe their children EVERYTHING. It absolutely does not go both ways. People who have kids often forget this and mistreat their children when having them around is inconvenient.
Anything a child does for their parent should only be out of love for the relationship held and what the parent did for them.
A baby bird does not feed its dying parent.
Otherwise, your father sounds pretty toxic, best to parse out the time you spend with him. If you can stand it, take a photo or two of him when he's in a good mood, a small remembrance when the insanity is done.
When I am desperate, I pull them up and re-read them. This is a place where people UNDERSTAND. The rest of the world has NO idea.
Even a therapist, who may be helpful or not, is not with us 24 hrs a day. I can pull up these screenshots when I need them. Like, immediately after I get back in the car after a visit.
They are all understaffed and never answer their call button.
I hope your father is mobile or he'll beating in his own urine and feces for up to an hour or more.
If you think you feel bad, try spending a few days where your Dad is.
Your Dad could be having halcinations from having a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection)
Regardless, so what if he talks about things that didn't happen.
It's probably all the meds they have him on.
Anoway, why do you think you have to correct him, it doesn't matter.
My 97 yr old Dad was a retired fireman and he lived at his own house with a Caregiver and he would talk nonsense but it wasn't nonsense to him and I didn't make it my mission to correct him.
He asked me once if I heard about a hundred fireman all dancing naked downtown.
I said wow Dad I didn't hear and let him tell me then I said how weird and it must have been pretty funny, ect.
My Advice to you is learn to dance in the rain.
Bite your tongue and go see your Dad minimum once a week.
Prayers
I would do as another poster said, continue to visit but perhaps keep your visits short. In addition, I agree don’t try to correct your dad when he is wrong with the story. Just listen, nod your head and move on.
It would seem that most would disagree with me here, but I do feel we have an obligation to our parents. You would want to have an advocate if you aging. Everyone wants to feel love from somebody.
As mentioned before, I moved my mother in with me, I did not work to care for her. It was the toughest thing I have ever done, but also one of the most rewarding things I have done, in hindsight as she has passed now. I look in the mirror now and I am so proud of the efforts I put forth in caring for her and I fear if you already feel guilty, if you cut the visits you will feel that more.
Listen to the advice of others, pick and choose from each, and make the decisions that work best for you.
You have to look in the mirror and be happy with your self and your decisions.
Best of luck - hang in there.
hugs!! :)
“Listen to the advice of others, pick and choose from each, and make the decisions that work best for you.”
i agree :).
——merry xmas from me to everyone!! :) :)
Youi are not a bad daughter for feeling overwhelmed by your father's wild accusations and behavior. Please look at all options for support groups in your area and online. Consider groups for those with mentally ill family members, dementia family members as well as those dealing with anxiety. You may be able to get online/telehealth sessions with a counsellor. Also check with local churches for a counsellor and support groups.
Your resentment towards your father (and probably towards your mother too) did not happen when his dementia started to advance. It takes a lifetime for that resentment to accumulate before it shows itself. I understand because I have it towards my parents too and not without good reason.
I don't know if your parents used guilt as abuse when you were a kid. Mine certainly did.
You do not owe your father anything. You do not have to go sit in a nursing home while an incoherent elder carries on like a lunatic. The visiting isn't worth the effect it has on you. Stop visiting him. Or cut your visits down to once a month if you feel you must go.
If he's so out of it with dementia that he believes his own lies, then it won't matter one way or the other if you stop visiting him.
You don't deserve the guilt that's on you because you didn't do anything wrong. Try to remember that.
He could very well be just so absorbed in his own nonsense and delusions that it doesn't matter who he's telling it to as long as he's telling it to someone.
You have already lost your dad, the person you describe is not him. Don't feel guilty
I'd like to give you a gentle hug and say "you are okay just as you are."
Please note: S-T-O-P trying to explain or talk to your dad in ways you think make sense as these words do not make sense to him. His brain has changed. He will argue. It is an exhaustive waste of your energy and time. If need be, agree with him. "Oh yes. You are absolutely right" (I do this with a narcassistic client who has severe dementia.). In his way of being in the world, perhaps with or without dementia, he is right (this was my own father when I was a child. . . I was always wrong.
Guilt is a tough one - although I believe with conscious inner work and awareness, it can be 'countered' with positive responses.
For instance:
1. You say: "I don't want to be around him"
1. You respond: (to yourself): "This is a very difficult situation and I need a break, it is very stressful." I need to relax, meditate, exercise, do anything to shift right now. Aand walk away. Even for a few minutes.
2. You say: "I feel so crushingly guilty"
2. You respond: I acknowledge this is how I feel, although I have the 'shoulds' and not doing what a part of me believes I 'should' be able to do. I acknowledge I am doing all that I can. Period. No judgment.
3. In other words: Counter the negative self-talk by replacing it with either neutral responses or positive ones "This is emotionally and psychologically, mentally challanging and exhausting for me. And, this is understandable. I need to give myself a HUGE break, both mentally and by distancing myself from my dad.
4. If therapists are not available, call the Alzheimer's Association and see if they have support / volunteers / staff.
5. Many therapists work on-line / zoom now. Find one for yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
If you want to "manage" his care, check in on him do it from afar.
Visit when he is having lunch or dinner.
Stand way off to the side so he does not see you and watch him for a while.
Keep in contact with the staff and if he needs anything you can provide what he needs, just drop it off at the desk when he is someplace where he will not see you.
If you feel as if you "have" to visit do so but if he begins to launch into a tirade LEAVE. Don't say anything, do not engage just leave.
You are NOT a terrible daughter for feeling the way you do. Any parent that abuses their child is a terrible parent and a terrible person.
I think you need to talk to your doctor about helping you find a therapist. In this day and age any mention of depression, mental instability will get a referral to someone ASAP.
Call the Alzheimer's Association and find out if there is a Support Group near you. they also have Counselors that answer phones 24/7 and they may be able to help you.
24/7 Help Line : 800-272-3900