How do I handle this situation with my wife?

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How do I handle this situation with my wife?

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My wife and I live in Florida. Her family is from Memphis Tennessee. She has a grandmother there that's very sick and she recently left on November 20 to take care of her. I've seen her one time since then, but other than that we talk daily on the phone. She has come to the realization that her grandmother who is partially in hospice they come visit her that she does not want to leave and that she is going to stay there until her grandmother passes and there's no timeframe on that. She's willing to fly back-and-forth once a month and feels that that is the best she can do at this point. Her grandmother lives with her own mother and across the street is the grandmother's other daughter. They all cannot take care of her or do not want to take care of her, so my wife not only takes care of her, but she's basically the chef the cleaner anything that they need at the house. She quit her job here to leave and they are taking care of her financial wise, but she is giving nothing in towards our financial situation. I'm finding it very difficult to continue not having a wife, but I want to be supportive of her grandmother. Any advice will help.

Care Decisions Long-distance Caregiving Spouse

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Tell your wife the truth, that you need her income to run the house and that you miss her. Reverse the order of that, actually. If you knew you needed her income, why didn't you speak up before she quit her job? It sounds like Grandma has plenty of people to help her w/o your wife spending 24/7 there.

Communication is crucial to a good marriage. Tell her how you feel. You cannot have it both ways though........being totally supportive and needing her back home.

Best of luck to you.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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My then-husband left me to take care of his parents at their home 150 miles from our house. H's decision to ditch me and our adult children for his parents contributed to the end of our marriage. It also was a symptom of relationship problems. That is, H was uncomfortable in tihe relationship, and it was easier for him to leave for the "noble" purpose of taking care of his parents than to tell me he didn't want to be a spouse and a father.

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Reply to Rosered6

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@Rosered

Using aging parents' neediness to exit one's marriage is pretty common. When it gets to the point where this is happening that's when it's time to talk to a divorce lawyer because that relationship is over and usually has been for a long time.

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Women can feel like they are needed in situations like this. It's up to you to let her know that she has other options including moving her grandmother to a nursing home in your town. That will allow her to visit and see her less often. If you give her an ultimatum it will probably just make her feel like you are not appreciating her loving sacrifices for her grandmother. Another option is convincing her to place her grandmother in a nursing home near the rest of the family in TN. It might take a few weeks to find placement, but not months hopefully. That will allow the TN family to visit and the care home to do the rest of the work. I hope things work out. It's hard for women when they feel like they have to sacrifice, but many don't realize that a care home is the better option. She may also be able to find a hospice home.

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Reply to JustAnon

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Your wife is willing to be used by her family, maybe out of obligation or misplaced guilt, maybe because she’s avoiding something at home in FL, maybe she’s a natural caregiver, the possibilities are endless. I’ve not heard of partial hospice, when my dad had home hospice it was comprehensive and included his experienced nurse giving him an estimated time he had left (he died much sooner than she thought) The medical professionals involved in grandma’s care should be able to speak to what to expect, even though it won’t be exact, it’s a help to have some guidance. Meanwhile you can arrange some marriage counseling via phone, and see if a third party can help you both come to a mutually agreed on plan going forward

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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How is your marriage? Could this be an excuse to leave it? Or, how is her relationship with her mother? Does she want to be there with her mother because they have a good healthy relationship, or is her mother the type who would be guilt-tripping your wife into servitude, even to the detriment of your marriage and your finances?

How does your wife sound when you talk with her? Does she sound like she's lovingly caring for her grandmother, or is she frustrated because the family has dumped all their needs on her? Who owns the house in which they're living -- your mother-in-law, or your wife's grandmother? As in, they're avoiding putting the grandmother in a nursing home because they don't want to have to sell her house to pay?

If the grandmother has money, how would they react to paying your wife for the care she's providing, to make up for the income lost by quitting her job to do this?

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Reply to MG8522

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Your wife's priority is her husband and marriage. There are other solutions for her grandmother, if your wife accepts them as such.

"...partially in hospice..." There is no such a thing. One is either on hospice or not, and this is necessary because of Medicare paying for hospice. Is Medicare "partially" paying for hospice? No. Maybe she is in palliative care?

Perhaps her Grandmother would qualify for LTC in a facility? Her doctor can make the assessment. Then if she meets the criteria, the family looks for a good facility that accepts Medicaid and then transitions her there. When she is a few months of running out of assets then they apply for Medicaid for her.

But maybe your wife's Mom doesn't want to lose her living situation? Or they are hoping for an inheritance? Why are they allowing your wife to take on the burden of the care? It's unsustainable on many levels.

I agree you need to have a gentle conversation with your wife that she needs to find another solution because it's time to come home. If she balks at this you may have a different problem on your hands.

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Reply to Geaton777

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This is more of marital problem than caregiving.
Perhaps therapy for both.

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Reply to Evamar

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Your wife needs to be reminded WHO she made her vows to, and it wasn't her Grandmother. Her Grandmother already has her own Mother there she lives with!

Your wife is being used. Her Grandmother could live another 5-10 years.

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Reply to Dawn88

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I don’t understand why your wife is the chef and cleaner at her mother’s house , and the grandmother’s caregiver .,

Even after the grandmother dies , your wife may at some point do this again for an undetermined amount of time for her mother . It seems that could be sooner rather than later since she’s already the chef and cleaner of the house .

Marriage counseling may help your wife see that she’s been the chosen slave in her family .
Good Luck.

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Reply to waytomisery

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There are or should be children to deal with grandma, and you can’t be in hospice halfway. I would advise wife that her marriage is in trouble and if she keeps ignoring it month to month, hit her with papers. Plenty of women around who aren’t obsessed with GRANDMA over you.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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This is the day and age of long-distance commuter relationships. This happens in marriages and not just with people who are dating.
What wife would divorce her husband just because he accepted and out of state job and could only come home for long weekends? Many men and women are frequently travelers for business reasons.
Some people take out of state jobs for upward mobility. Other professionals actually volunteer for overseas work. Think Doctors Without Borders.

A women's time and career is her decision and not her husbands.
That includes how she takes care of those she loves and are in the last stages of life.

You are a big boy, and she has a relative who is in desperate need. Do not require her to end the commute and leave her grandmother. Your wife may live with you in regret and resentment. Let her decide when to give up commuting and return home full time.

I could give you many examples from my own family of commuter relationships that are successful. This is 2026 I hope you will get on board.
Remember some day you may be in in need of her caregiving and devotion.

I think it is outrageous for you to threaten divorce.
Perhaps a therapist will help. Wishing you the best.

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Reply to liz1906

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“ Remember some day you may be in need of her caregiving and devotion”.

I would hope people would not stay in a marriage they are no longer happy in just so the spouse can be their caregiver some day .

A marriage is two people . If one is no longer happy with the situation whether it be because of a change to long distance or some other reason , that person has the right to speak up and/or end the marriage.

In general no one should be told “ it’s 2026 , come on board to commuter relationships”. It does not work for everyone . It’s ok for OP to say this is not working for him . Many marriages break up during a long distance issue. You asked what wife would divorce their husband who took a job out of state ? Plenty do .

My husband traveled a lot his whole career . It was not always easy to keep the marriage going . I could see why some people give up .

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I endured a commuter marriage for eight years with me in California and my husband in New York. I wanted to be near my grandkids and he wanted to be near his developmentally disabled sister. It doesn't work over the long term. You grow apart and you get angry.

I finally told him he needed to make a choice between his sister or me. I was ready to ditch a 42 year marriage and move on. I saw a lawyer about it, but decided to give him that one last opportunity.

He chose me.

I don't think you are looking at an 8 year haul like I endured, so you might be able to weather it. But I don't think it was right that your wife just decided to quit her job. That is not fair.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Your last statement, that you want to be supportive of her grandmother, but you are finding it very difficult to continue not having a wife, is something you need to say to your wife.
You're in a tough position. This is obviously something that is important to her, and of course you want to be supportive. But, you do have a right to feel that this is unfairly impacting you. You and your wife need to discuss and establish some ground rules. This open-ended stay with grandma til she passes, is too undefined. What if Grandma lives another year? Two years? It sounds like the mother and aunt are taking advantage of having your wife there to take care of everybody. What will happen when one of those women takes ill and needs help? How many years is your wife prepared to stay there being everyone's maid and caretaker? This could go on indefinitely!
Your wife needs to consider all the possibilities and create a plan with a defined time frame. Her plan needs to take into consideration your wants and needs. You, as her husband should take a priority. Sure, sometimes an ill, elder family member takes priority for a limited time. But a time limit needs to be set on this! Or, at least, she needs to decide how she's going to contribute to your household financially, and to spend more time with you.
She can't just give up her job and leave you indefinitely! That is irresponsible and inconsiderate of your feelings. She can find someone to help take care of Grandma, mom and aunt, so she can return to her life. If she is unwilling to set a time frame to do this, then she has as much as left you. She may not know it yet, but she won't be returning home for a Long Time! These family members will continue to use her and make her feel obligated.
Show her the responses you are getting here.
We all know. We've all done it. We have participated in one way or another in the strain of taking care of family members. This can go on WAY longer than your wife thinks! And, as others have pointed out, is this her way of finding an excuse to leave your marriage? Does she want out?
You two need to have some tough discussions! And she needs to decide on her level of commitment to you!

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Reply to CaringWifeAZ

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I totally agree . The grandmother is the tip of the iceberg . OP’s wife is already “ chef and cleaner of her mother’s home “ as well . Thats mission creep . The family plan was to get the wife there for the grandmother and then keep her there to take care of her own mother and possibly the aunt across the street as well someday .
OP’s wife has been groomed to be her family’s caregiver . I was also groomed .
Did too much for too long . But I came home every night to my own house .

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If your wife's decision is to stay and help her grandmother you have to control of that. You are left to decide what you want for yourself. Therapy can help you decide if this is a temporary decision you can live with or if this lifestyle is an untenable for you and your marriage. If you are unwilling to try professional help list your options with pros and cons for each.

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Reply to AnnetteDe

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Wow, so many bad decisions by your wife.

The only thing you can tell her is that you need and want her home with you and flying back and forth once a month indefinitely isn’t sustainable.

The bigger question I have if do you have marriage issues and she is using this partly as an excuse to not have to deal with the marriage issues? Does she sorta kinda want to leave the marriage?

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Reply to southernwave

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Is you wife using your income for any of her expenses while she's there? Like using your joint checking account or joint credit cards? You could consider freezing or cutting these off as a way to make her see how her family is taking advantage of you financially. Tell her that you need to keep all of your own money to pay for your household bills, to compensate for the loss of her income in paying them. That might wake her up to the damage being done.

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Reply to MG8522

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I'm not sure I completely agree with what I am about to say, but perhaps you should cut her off from any funds that come in from your job or retirement pay, and let her use her own funds for this foolishness. She might decide she will divorce you, but it seems like basically she aleady has. Quitting a job to care for old folks is a very bad idea.

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She needs to come home. Giving up a job with the negative impacts it will have on her social security income in this day and age is a very bad time. Grandmother can be on hospice for a very long time! My Mom's assisted living director told me that one resident had been on hospice for years and lived to be 103! Let the daughter deal with the situation - or try reporting it to the hospice facility - if they can do something, great - if not, you wife cannot continue to be maid and caretaker of grandmother, great grandmother and lazy daughter. Your wife is wasting her life and yours. Just my two cents worth. Also, how can you be partially on hospice? Your either on hospice or you aren't.

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Reply to Lylii1

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"A man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife and they shall become one." "What God has brought together let no man pull apart." You are now first responsible for your own family and not someone's grandmother. "Honor your mother and your father that your days may be long upon the earth that the LORD thy God hath given you." Once you have done all that you believe you can do for your parents you have done all that the LORD would have you to do. Your wife should return home to you and be at ease with these same requirements I deliver to you. The only ground for divorce is a violation of the marriage bed or adultery. As God forgives us you can also forgive your wife even for an act of adultery. I believe these are words of wisdom whether or not you believe in God.

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Reply to johnawheeler

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I would argue that failing to return home to the marriage is grounds for divorce .

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Your wife has to make a difficult choice. Your wife should never have left her job. It’s either her marriage or her grandmother. Grandmother should be placed into a facility.

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Reply to Patathome01

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Sadly this sounds more like a marriage issue than a caregiving issue. Your wife has chosen to put her grandmother before you and your marriage which should at this point tell you a whole bunch, as a spouse and a marriage MUST come before anything else.
Might be time for some serious marriage counseling if you're wanting to save your marriage. However if you're wife won't come back long enough for that counseling you may have to get on with your life without her.
And just FYI, my late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life. Are you willing to wait that long for your wife to return to you and your marriage?

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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This is the unspoken side of the posts we get here saying, "I left my home and spouse and job and grandchildren to take care of my parent(s). Parent(s) and sibling(s) are demanding and ungrateful and my spouse is unhappy and I am miserable but my parent(s) and sibling(s) will make me feel guilty if I leave so I am just choosing to be helpless in taking back control of my own life."

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Reply to MG8522

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I agree with MG8522. Saying that something is more of a marital issue than a caregiving issue suggests that caregiving occurs in a vacuum. It doesn't. Anyone who chooses to be a caregiver thereby is choosing to not do other things or to devote less time and resources (all of which are finite) to other things: children, another job, a spouse, self-care.

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Reply to Rosered6

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Read about family Enmeshment and suggest to your wife. It’s not healthy.

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Reply to Beethoven13

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Perhaps go for the money. If you are alone in a large house, tell your wife that you are considering moving into a cheaper unit and renting out the matrimonial home. This may help her to know that she isn’t the one making all the decisions here, that she can’t come or go just as she wants while her options stay the same. And sure, separate your finances to protect your financial position. Get a new credit card on a new account, plus a new savings account that will run down so that her credit cards won’t work any more.

Those two things amount to you putting your foot down so that she can appreciate that she is not in sole charge. Even just talking about them is quicker, easier and cheaper than going for counseling.

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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Why is your wife taking care of Grandma. Where is the missing generation in all this?

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Reply to Sandra2424

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He said they won't do anything / get involved in care.

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Maybe it would be help to talk to a couples counselor. Some will do this online.

You need a way to communicate to her that this arrangement is not working for you and isn’t sustainable. It’s not that you don’t have compassion for her grandmother.

I don’t understand why your wife thinks her being with grandmother is necessary with no time limit, leaving you indefinitely. Why does she feel compelled to do this? It seems likely that she will have the same impulse when her mother gets old or sick too unless she works through whatever is driving her.

good luck.

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Reply to Suzy23

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Good question. What compels her.
I hope that they have / had a good honest conversation about this. For the sake of their marriage.

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Its a difficult position to be in.
I wonder how old you and your wife are?

It seems to be up to your wife to decide how involved she wants to be, and perhaps especially (?) due to other family members making a decision to NOT care for this grandmother.

Is your wife comfortable with the decision(s) she is making or does she feel obligated due to other family members not taking any responsibility? Does she feel guilt(y) if she doesn't step up? Have you talked to her about these feelings?

Is there anyway to 'enlist' the rest of the family to take on more responsibility for grandma? Will or does your wife 'ask' or encourage them to get more involved with care? Or does your wife just say "okay, guess I have to do it."

Your job, as I see it from the outside is to support your wife, while certainly being aware of your own needs / feelings.

Do you tell you wife that you miss her? How you feel? How does she respond?
Is she concerned about you/r feelings, too?
How does she hear (or listen) to whatever encouragement or advice / support you give her?

Is it possible for your wife to come home sooner than once a month?
Or you to go there every two weeks? and wife comes 'home' the other two weeks?

Is it possible to hire home care-givers?
Are there funds for this - and if yes, would your wife feel 'okay' relying more on care providers so she could be relieved of some of the responsibilities - on an ongoing basis.

Do you talk to your wife about how she feels about losing her grandma?
Sounds like she wants to be there - until the end - to spend as much time with her as possible. She doesn't want to miss a moment (or much time).

Do you / wife have an MD assessment of need / health / diagnosis? I know that people can live a long time in Hospice and they do not need to be terminal to be accepted in Hospice - so, you are right, grandma could live a long time (relatively speaking for the situation - a year ? two ?

Do you do Zooms or Facetime with your wife ?
How do you stay in touch in-between home visits?

How were / are you when your wife was home 'full time'?
Do you feel a bit 'needy' or are you more independent?
If you tend to be more reliant on your wife emotionally / psychologically, this time when she is away could/likely will be a major trigger for you.
Is it possible for you to 'build yourself up' while she is away if you feel more is missing / develop yourself more if this could be an issue? In other words, learn to be alone more / more independent.

Do you have any male or female friends? If not or in addition, could you join a support group to discuss how you feel about this new arrangement and how you are (needing to) adjust?

There are a lot of questions and feelings to delve into.
Let us know how you are doing.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Reply to TouchMatters

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Consider reading about enmeshment and generational trauma and ptsd. From your description, your wife has no boundaries and her family is using her as the caregiver slave for their convenience. I suggest she tell GM and POA she will assist with placement in a facility for GM. She will visit every 8 weeks. GM will or not adjust to facility care. Your wife is caught up in some unhealthy family enmeshment. If she is wise, she will take your help and professional to get out. Wish GM well and visit when you can. Best you can do.

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Reply to Beethoven13

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Chris you look pretty young in your photo.

Schedule several sessions of marriage counseling for when your wife flies back to Florida or you yourself take several days off and fly to Memphis and schedule several sessions of marriage counseling in Memphis.

I'd schedule 3 days of counseling in a row.

If your wife refuses to go, then go to the counseling on your own.

PS. Grandma could live for years. Mom was in and out of hospice for years.
PPS. It sounds like your wife is being taken advantage of and treated like Cinderella.

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Reply to brandee

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Chris, Brandee again. Definitely schedule her flights south for once a month and have you gone up to visit.

I'd go up to visit and assess the situation and see how bad Grandma is.

It used to be that if someone was in home hospice that they had days left.
That is no longer the case. Understand that my Mom was enrolled in hospice the first time when she was walking over a mile a day and eating.

If you can afford it I'd go up there and get a visual on Grandma and see how bad she is.

If it appears Grandma has 2-3-4 or 6 weeks left than the best thing would be to be quiet and to support your wife.

If Grandma is walking, eating and drinking understand she could last years.

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Reply to brandee

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Jimmy Carter’s family thought he had days when they enrolled him in hospice. He lived 1.5 years afterward.

Given that this is op’s grandmother vs her mom, op and his wife may still be able to start a family. Obviously that’s not happening with her not around. The pro trips home monthly indicates grandma might not be expiring soon.

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How do I handle this situation with my wife?

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