How do I keep from having a nervous breakdown?
My mother 87 lived by herself and was getting to the point where she couldn't clean her house or go shopping etc. for herself. She was having problems with my sitter at the time, and still is. She got very ill with the shingles and called go us to come get her, so my husband went to pick her up and stay with us for a few days. She got worse so we ended up at the ER, then in the hospital, after a week stay and blood transfusion we came home. Soon after we got home, she wanted to move in with us, so we let that happen, not thinking about how it was going to affect our lives or the outcome. I was on board with the decision, but my husband and daughter were on the edge, but we never discussed this with mom because of her condition. After 9 months later we had problems with my 62yr old sister who continued to ask mom for money. Mother feels sorry for her and gives her money. Mom has a split personality at times she can be nice and loving and other times she can have a argumentative and aggressive personality. Mom can barely walk or get up and down. I used a Hoyer lift on her many times. All of this begin to drive a wedge between me, my family. There are lots of things that I can't write at this time that has caused lots of resentment and anger. I started losing weight and having some health problems. My husband was about to snap and so I asked mom if she would go and stay with my sister or my ex sister in law for a while. She chose my sister. Neither one can get along with the other. They’re always fighting. She calls me every day crying and wanting to know why went wanted her to leave. She says she feels like we just threw her out on the streets. My nerves are to the max I can't eat, and I cry a lot because I feel so bad about her situation and I have tried to tell her sometimes families just can't live together. She feels like my husband and daughter hate her and schemed something up to get her out. I am on the verge of a breakdown. I asked her today if I she would be willing to go to a nursing home or If I found her another place to live would she leave and she said no, she has already made a commitment to stay with her. But she hates being there because of the way my sister does. I don't know what else I can do. I love her with all my heart. What would anyone suggest I do? Nerve wrecked.
But times & families change.. from Mother-at-home with the children & elders - to Mothers in the workforce, less children to share the care around & families living further apart too.
Each family took turns housing Mother. Each family was upended, then had ro re-calebrate once Mother moved to another sibling.
Mother had no real home, which added unhappiness.
Eventually a nice assisted living was found & the elderly Mother accepted that option. Grew to adapt & appreciate 'her own space' & move past the GRIEF of leaving her previous home.
Many families experience this turmoil - this big life adjustment.
I hope you & your sister can team up to find a workable solution.
From a child's point of view at the time, I saw how much it affected the whole family.
Please don't feel guilty of having your sister take your Mom in for her turn at caregiving. And don't take your Mom's calls any more than you can tolerate. Maybe get the whole family together (minus your mom) to get a plan developed that you all can present to her in a united front.
You can tell your mom that you and your sister are no spring chickens and cannot physically manage her care without injuring yourselves. If you think about it, this isn't lying.
Is there any way your Mom has the funds for assisted living, possibly with selling her home? (If she gets some physical therapy and can ambulate herself in a walker or wheelchair and transfer safely.) There are facilities that have assisted and memory care. If she needs skilled nursing, check into skilled nursing facilities and see what they offer. Then your mom can look at brochures of facilities and tour them. Many older people are afraid of going to facilities that are just God's waiting room. If she sees that she can make friends and do activities, maybe she will be less likely to fight against it.
Find what all your options are for your Mom.
And please seek family counseling, since this situation most likely has affected not just you and your husband, but your child as well. I also pray a lot.
God bless.
Why would either you or your sister be happy living with her? Married couples should live without the burden of mother's or father's to care for, and that she thinks otherwise is a serious entitlement issue!
My husband and I have 7 children between us and plan to move in with NONE OF THEM. Nor will we use the FOG tactics to drive them to the brink of a nervous breakdown, for petesake.
Get angry now and stop feeling like The Bad Guy here. You're not. Mother needs Assisted Living where she can pay others to listen to her complain and be The Victim.
Stop taking all these FOG phone calls from her, for starters, that'll greatly reduce your stress and feeling you're doing something wrong. Let the calls go to voicemail, that's what voicemail is for. To screen annoying calls from Energy Vampires.
Protect yourself now, mom is fine.
Answers like these, over and over, Cover, do not demonstrate the compassion that is sorely needed in a reply to someone who comes to us at the end of their rope.
I was one of those people. Thank God that there were replies that actually addressed my questions.
To me, problem solved. Rather problem belongs to Sis. Like you she has chosen to take Mom in and will need to handle that herself.
As to phone? You have perfect and easy control over that. It is a device. It is a tool. Don't allow it to ruin your life.
Old timers are unhappy. There is nothing you can do to restore their health, happiness, friendships and relationships with people who have passed.
Limit how many times a day you accept your mother’s phone calls.
You did NOT throw her on the streets. She is living with her daughter.
Stop trying to solve her problems which are mostly unsolvable. She is old, infirmed and unhappy.
Your mom’s living situation is not fixable as you explain it. Mother has made a commitment she doesn’t like but she feels free to make sure no one else has any peace either and refuses the facility care you offered.
You need to stop talking to her. Full stop.
Your health can’t afford to continue to be involved in your mother’s chaos at this time. You need a clean break for a set period to regain your ability to self care.
You are getting no respite from your mother because she is continuing to place you in situations you are not mentally able to manage.
Tell your mother you need a break from phone calls so that she can settle in with sis and you can get control of your mental health. Ask DH to sit with you while you make the call.
Journal your feelings each day. Try to find something to laugh about. Take walks. Make sure you are sleeping well. If your weight loss is worrisome, visit your doctor. Actually you should visit your doctor immediately and find a therapist to accelerate your recovery.
Find a way to reset the order of your day that leaves you little time to fret over mom.
People are not always able to believe you , to truly grasp your meaning, when you tell them you feel like you are coming apart at the seams. Their inability to understand that doesn’t lessen the fact that your poor mind needs a rest from trying to manage someone else’s life.
Many of us on this forum have had your experience. The longer you abuse yourself, the longer it will take for you to recover. Your situation is a personal emergency, not one you can afford to push through. People often get sick or have accidents when they don’t pay attention to their feelings. It is up to YOU to take action to stop the madness.
Take responsibility for yourself. Take back your good common sense. Recognize your mom is at an age/stage where she is only worried about herself. Talking to her isn’t helping her and is making your health worse.
Will this new regime upset her? Of course but she will learn that she has to adapt to the new order of things.
You are basically feeding her discontent by allowing her to stir the pot on a daily basis. If she has tears on the daily, medication will help with that.
Likewise, if you have tears on the daily, medication will help but you, unlike your mom, can regulate your emotions by walking, cleaning out your closets, laughing at a movie, dancing, cooking a nice meal for your family. Reading a good book, gardening, breathing, stretching, resistance exercises, meditation. Anything that keeps you busy and helps relieve those stressful feelings.
Catch yourself laughing out loud, smiling, giving hugs, being grateful. enjoying your food. When that happens you will know you are getting better.
Your mood is important. It is the key to having a good day. Set the intention at night of a good rest. Plan what you will do the next day and do it.
You reached out today. You have started on the path of getting better. You will find it cathartic to release those pent up feelings.
Wishing your entire family peace.
Your mother doesn't want to be at your sister's and your sister doesn't want her there. Your sister isn't wrong either.
It's time for you and your sister to do some research together and find a facility that is appropriate for your mother's needs and whatever level of independence she still has. For example, if she isn't out-of-it with dementia, she doesn't belong in a memory care facility with people who are.
Assisted living may be the best bet for her and everyone else. It's different than a nursing home.
You have to get a grip and some control over your emotions for your own sake. It sounds like you're about to have or have had a nervous breakdown. You don't deserve to suffer like that and you did nothing wrong. Please call your doctor and ask for some anti-anxiety medication for yourself and a referral for some therapy. It helps to talk about things.
None of this is your fault and you can't fix everything. Decisions have to be made for your mother and you don't have to make them on your own. If I were you, when your mother calls you to complain about living with your sister, cut that off right away. The only response from you should be that you'd be more than happy to find her a good place where she will receive the help and care she needs to have a decent quality of life.
DO NOT indulge her in her complaining or give her one moment of your attention for it. When she calls to complain about your sister, tell her what I just said. If she persists in the complaining, end the call.
There's a fine line between venting and chronic complaining. Venting is when a person needs a break and needs to talk but is handling their situation and doing what they need. Chronic complaining is when a person has absolutely no intention of making even the slightest attempt at trying to improve their lives and situations. They would rather live in total misery holding steadfast to their own asinine stubbornness in order to maintain the status quo. Forget that.
Being an ear for a chronic complainer never helps anything no matter how old they are. Either your mother accepts this or you and your sister will have to make plans for her rather than with her then put them into action. I hope it doesn't come to having to do it this way, but your family along with your own mental/physical health has to come first. Not catering to your mother.
If Mom being a Jeckle and Hyde is something new, then I expect some Dementia. She needs a good physical and maybe a physical therapy evaluation. Her doctor will then be able to determine if she is 24/7 care. If so, they you can start looking for a facility that takes Medicaid. Any assets Mom has will need to be spent down. You can make an appt with a Medicaid caseworker and see how Medicaid works.
It becomes that its not what Mom wants, its what she needs and what the people involved in her care need. You cannot care for her and thats OK, not all of us are caregivers, I wasn't. You may want to look up the "gray rock" method. You and sister may be able to use it with Mom. Boundaries is another thing. Townsend and Cloud have a good book on this.
1. You let your mother move in
2. You did this knowing who/how she is, and understanding age/illness won't take peculiarities/physical needs better, but rather worse.
3. You moved her in without agreements for:
A) A shared living expenses agreement drawn in elder law office
B) Agreement on periodic reassessment with entire family.
C) An agreement that when this doesn't work for one it's over and she'll either move back to her own home or into care; you'll assist.
Without these basics, you have painted yourself into a corner.
There's only one thing to save you now and that's honesty: a laying out "how it will be". Time for a sit-down in which you and hubby (having pre agreed) tell Mom
1. It was our mistake to allow you to move in.
2. It is not working for us to have you in our home
3. You will have to leave our home. You have three months in which to accomplish this. We will help you. After that three months we will be evicting you from our home.
4. None of this is up for discussion/argument/negotiations.
That's what I'd do. I would expect shouting, crying, guilting, other manipulations.
Now it's up to you. This is YOUR court the ball is in. I would not have allowed this to happen to me because it's always been clear in my own mind that my limitations preclude my doing one on one in-home care for ANYone.
You're an adult and responsible to make your own choices and decisions.
You've learned a hard lesson as to what the repercussions are of bad decisions.
So it's up to you.
For myself, I can only give you my heartfelt sympathy in all this, and wish you the best of luck. I don't think your current situation is sustainable over the long haul, and again I am so sorry.
I will say, putting someone in a facility, is never my go to answer, like many on this forum say it often, rightly so, but it's not my first solution, so when I say it , I don't feel there is any other choice here
Even with your mom in a facility, it's going to be hard for you.
Trust me I've been where you are , there is life after caregiver burnout, there is hope and joy, and peace.
It may take some time to pull yourself out of the whole, you dug yourself in.
You have to put you first, your happiness, your mental and physical health. Your family second, meaning your husband and children. Your mom has to be third .
If you can afford to get counseling, we here have much good advice, and many good, self help books advice.
1 find a way to get mom in a facility, this is not sustainable for you and your family
2 get yourself counseling
3 read everything you can on here about things that relate to you.
4 meditation, mindfullness
5 Even if you are or are not a person of faith, or an alcoholic, read and read the "Serenity Prayer"
6 learn new praise, " let go let God"
" Let the cookies crumble" what ever helps you at the moment your in.
7 learn and tell yourself over and over , not to have guilt, you didn't make mom old, you didn't cause this, you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Guilt is often grief , manifested and feels like guilt. Grief of watching the mom you new, disappear right before your eyes. Accept that it's greif not guilt, and go through the grieving process.
I promise, life can be good again!!
Best of luck Butterfly, you are not alone anymore, there are many many people here that have been where you are.
For some strange reason, going to the chiropractor, massage's, and acupuncture helps me with my lack of appetite, when I'm stressed.
It doesn't seem she is very mobile (since you said you have to use a hoyer lift for her)... so maybe she can be assessed as needing LTC by her doctor? If so Medicaid covers LTC if she also qualifies financially. This may be your best solution, if you accept it as such.
But: does your Mom have a PoA assigned? You can find a solution for her but if she refuses it, someone in your family may been to pursue guardianship to be able to manage her affairs and make decisions in her own best interests.
Received and given, freely
When also apart
Take some time in nature.
Take a walk, a bath, music.
Calm the internal farm.
Love is wonderful, yet rarely enough to smooth every issue caused in a multi-gen household.
Start to settle into YOUR household again. Once you do, you may see things differently, with more clarity. It wasn't really working for all of you.. was it? when that happens.. resentments grow & tempers flare.
Breathe & rebalance.