How do I know if what my Dad, with dementia, is saying is the truth?
I've been here in the past discussing my mom's dementia and her stay in a not so nice skilled nursing facility. She is home now and doing extremely well. Since she has been home and I have been over the house daily ( sometimes for 6/7 hrs), I noticed that my dad just might have a more advanced stage of dementia. He can jot down a note and I will watch him. The next day he will ask me how that got there because it is not his hand writing! He just now told me that he had taken a large sum of money out of his bank account and put it in a safe at home. He is an addicted gambler btw. He said he came home one evening and found the safe open and some money missing. Never said how much? So he put half of the cash back in his bank account and said he put the other in a suit jacket pocket. Now he claims that an envelope with 10k is missing!!! I have been slowly going through the house and cleaning, checking for cash, etc. None found yet. My question is: does he believe this is what he did in his mind or would he have put it somewhere which he does not remember? I don't know what to think. I am DPOA for my mom and she knows he took quite a bit of her money to gamble with. Could my mom have taken it and hid it? I am slowly looking throughout the house but it is a very big job. But it is also a lot of money to misplace. Anyone have this problem?
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The answer to your question, "Does he believe this is what he did in his mind or would he have put it somewhere which he does not remember?" You already know the answer -- there's no way to know except thru verification at the bank. "Could mom have hidden it?" Oh, yes -- she could also have cut it up into nice neat strips and thrown it in the garbage. (That's what mom did with $800 in hundreds...fortunately we found it quite by accident and, after taping the bills all back together, had the money replaced by the bank.)
If there is money in the bank in both of their names, as mom's POA, you can close the account(s) and put the money in mom's name alone -- assuming she isn't transacting any business on her own. That would protect it from dad. (Not from Medicaid, of course.) If he's really done this, I'd say you have at least a moral obligation to do so to protect mom.
I'm with Maggie. If you're POA go down to the bank and request your dad's banking transactions but I have a feeling that if you were your dad's POA you would have done this already.
Try calling the bank as Maggie suggested. I'm not as confident as she is that you'll be able to get any information on your dad's account but it's worth a try.
After this has been cleared up do what you can to obtain POA over your parents if you haven't done so already. Since they both have dementia you may have to consult with an elder law attorney but someone without dementia needs access to their accounts.
Not POA for my dad. He still thinks he is just fine and can manage on his own. I did take my mom's name off their joint account and have her accounts separate now. I was at the bank with my dad and know what he has in there but no way to be sure that he had that much to begin with. He still insists it was in his closet. But to be honest, my mom and dad fight a lot and she most certainly could have found it and at the very least hid it somewhere. Most likely in a place I will never know. The thing is he keeps losing money. This has been going on for months now. This is one of the worse diseases I have seen by far. My MIL is dying from pancreatic cancer and is also suffering from some dementia now. Accusing my sister-in-law of taking her good jewelry!!! I have a 3 yr old grand daughter and to tell you the truth, things are so much easier taking care of her. Even with all the whining and crying!lol I'm going to see mom's attorney tomorrow.
If youre dad is still driving, then there's a very good chance he gambled part of it at least. But 10,000.00 is a lot of money to gamble (unless he plays poker or black jack). Ask your dad if he won last time he went to the casino, that he looks like a cat that's gotten into the cream and seems pretty proud of himself. My dad's a gambler too, and he loves to talk about his wins (even though he's had many more losses). Getting your dad talking about gambling you might get him to say when he went last and if it is around the same time the money went missing. It might help jog his memory too, as to what happened to the money.
He plays the crap table. He is still driving and I stay with my mom for about 7/8 hrs while he's on the gambling boat.lol He has gone through sooooo much $$$$. I think it's possible that he's already gambled it away and can't remember. But then my mom likes to plunder through his stuff while he's at the store. So I wonder if she found it and hid it and cannot remember or just won't tell me.
Yes, he could lose it all this way. You are in a tough situation. Can't blame mom if she did hide anything she found, bless her heart. Good luck to you and your folks...it doesn't look like it's going to go anywhere but south from here, sadly...