Hello,
Im feeling so guilty when I don't make it every day to visit my mom at her nursing home. Mom has dementia so she probably doesn't remember from morning to evening if I was even there. I try to visit her every day after work. But there are some days I just want to head home, make dinner and relax or walk the dog with my husband. I've even begun to feel guilty when I spend time with my grandchildren versus sitting with mom.
Has anyone gone through this guilt and how have you been able to work through it?
I worked through it by realizing that the greatest thing I could leave was a legacy and in order to do that, I needed to start devoting myself to my kids. This didn't diminish my love for my mother, in fact, the greatest thing my parents ever gave me was the recognition that the greatest joy in life is to inspire others.
I don't feel guilty if I don't visit every day because I know the great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it, which is my kids.
My recommendation, spend time with your grandkids, walk your dog and enjoy your relationships because you only live once.
When my mom lived in Memory Care, I'd go visit her once a week. As she began her decline towards death, I'd go more frequently until the final week of her life, when I went to see her daily. I have no regrets, and would do it the same way again if I had the opportunity. When I did visit her, it would tear me up, honestly. It took me a day or two to recover from the ordeal, so I needed that time in between visits to regroup. It's very hard to witness our mothers in such bad with dementia ravaging them; I know.
Mom had a good life in Memory Care, it was the dementia that robbed her of joy, especially towards the end. The joy was replaced with anxiety and a desire to be with her departed siblings, who she was eventually reunited with.
Be gentle with yourself. Dementia is a family disease that affects ALL of us, not just your mom. Set a schedule to visit her, and then allow yourself to enjoy the time off when you don't visit.
Good luck.
I am sure your mom would agree.
I think honestly that visiting our parents every day whether they are demented or not is not a requirement of ours.
You use the word guilt, which assumes you are an evil doer getting joy from bad actions. Try to interchange the other g-word which is grief. Grief that you cannot be there for every single person, Mom, Dad, Hubby, Son, Daughter, Friend every second of the day they might need or want you. Accept and embrace your human limitations and accept and embrace the right to a good life that your Mom would surely want for you. If you fully understand this last paragraph and you agree with it, but cannot get your arms around it in embrace then consider seeing a therapist for help. Licensed Social Workers in private practice as therapists are often the best at life transitions work.
I sure wish you good luck and JOY in a good life with your family, and I wish you the realization that you DESERVE this. My heart goes out to you.
Neglecting your family is not the answer, they need you, your grandchildren have their entire life ahead of them, your mother's has been lived.
Back off on the visits, maybe to once a week, do some positive self-talk, "It's ok to not go to the nursing home daily, I am entitled to live my life with my family".
This is your one chance, there is no rerun, live your life for you, enjoy your husband, grandchildren bonding time, there is no catch up, you blink and they are all grown and on their own, and you mother, well most likely she will be gone as well. At that point you will most likely feel guilt over that as well, keep in mind guilt is a self-imposed emotion and serves no usefull purpose.
Good luck!
Maybe go out every couple of weeks.