My mom is a BIG trigger for my dad who has early stage dementia. He accused her of cheating on him (not true) and after talking with her on the phone (conversation was kind) later on he becomes aggressive and combative with his memory care staff. How do I answer his questions when he asks why mom hasn’t visited him?
Actually, why is one living in AL and the other in MC if they're both suffering from dementia?
Use therapeutic fibs to answer his questions about why she doesn't visit lately (she's not feeling well, she's got an appointment, whatever: he's in MC so he shouldn't remember from one time to the next) -- eventually hopefully meds will work and then consider visits.
I was in my MIL's room in her LTC. While we were there she got a call from her son Glen. After she hung up I asked, "How's Glen doing?" She looked at me sadly and said, "I don't know... he hasn't called in a long time."
Good luck.
My mother rarely recognizes me and, when she does, she typically rages at me. (I made her grow old, I tried to kill her, my kids stole her stuff, I won’t drive her to her parents’ house, etc.) I trigger aggression, including biting. She has argued with staff that I am not her daughter. (they no longer announce my arrival, instead just referring to me as a visitor)
If I advise the home of my visit, they will sedate my mother. Enough to take the edge off. You may wish to discuss that with his doctor. Or fib that (depending on his nature) that she was there a few days ago, has caught something contagious, will be along shortly... or offer to pass along a message. Good luck!
My mother is in AL with significant dementia. Will her facility not take him?
You really cannot change the fact there is dementia here.
Asking how to explain anything? Well, there really IS no explaining to someone with this level of dementia, so the answer to what you say is "whatever works" and doesn't matter if it's the truth or not. He sees the wife coming as his means of "rescue". It needs to be made clear she CANNOT come, and any lie will do. You can say she is in bed at home with a bad back and cannot move. Say whatever works.
I am so very sorry. This is a crucible, and it is very likely to be ongoing to his death. Docs might try to work first with a simple, easy, low dose anti depressant and see if that works, but often enough it does not, and in rare cases can just make things worse. I wish you luck. Not everything can be fixed and it is horrific grief to stand witness to this.
"The bus broke down and she's taking a cab. She'll be here soon. And, how are the trees and flowers doing in the yard (change the subject).
You do not engage with a person afflicted with dementia.
You do whatever you can to appease them.
If no appeasing / calming down - you either sit quietly and let them "rant and rave" or you leave the environment (step out for a few minutes, an hour, whatever you need). You never ever argue.
He may never see what you see.
Your goal is to keep yourself - and him - as cam as possible, with meds as they are needed. You 'don't' try to keep them quiet or address their 'visions' / confused cognitive functioning / images in their head.
You experience what is going on.
You see if any medical way to handle it (as you are/may be doing)
You talk to staff.
You see if he is safe where he is or if other arrangements need to be made (i.e., will the facility ask him to leave?)
You take care of yourself as best you can - making a decision to do so. Self Care isn't a given. It is hard to do when exhausted and emotionally drained, yet you do it - however and whatever supports you.
Sit and 'smell the roses' -(really).
Refocus.
Meditate.
Give yourself a much needed break.
Gena / Touch Matters