Long story, but I’ll try to list the events instead of describe them.
1. On 9/11, my mother had an aneurysm rupture in her head. She survived, but recovery was never 100%. Ex. social filter gone - just poof.
2. Dad died 7 yrs later. Only then do my sister + I discover how much he hid from us about her.
3. My sister lives 2000 m away. I live 45. I try to get Mom to sell the farm + move closer to me. Utter + complete failure. I discovered she never wanted children + never really loved us. (Another long story.)
4. Enter predator/“odd jobs guy.” Someone who helps her out...my age. Suddenly Mom is drinking. I get calls from her neighbors...the sheriff has been there; fighting and yelling.
5. The man’s brother gets out of jail.
6. My mom develops 8 ulcers...after taking her to 6 endoscopies- she kicks me out of her hospital room and threatens to have the guy burn my house down. She also fires our family doctor. The man claims her doctor prescribed her sleeping pills and she accidentally took too many. The doctor is my uncle. He would never do that.
7. The brother of the predator has a wife who is now in charge of my mom’s medication as a “caregiver.” Unofficially, of course.
8. I called APS; they interviewed Mom, who said she’s afraid of the guy, but as soon as he fixes the barn, he’s history. A tall tale.
9. My cousin called today, said the predator had called her to invite her to their wedding next Saturday.
10. IDK what to do to save her. My sister has a hands-off policy that seems to work for her, but, my God. This is my mother. She’s impaired. Her house has become a hovel. I worry about her pets too. Two have died under suspicious circumstances. Over the last 11 years since Dad died, the love I had for her has bled away. She’s killed it, but I still feel like my dad would want me to do something.
This man is a bad person. He has drained her finances. She has a good teacher’s retirement, but I hear she claims to have no money and she tells ppl that her daughters have abandoned her.
Sometimes I think I’m living in an alternate universe. This can’t be happening. My mom was a respected woman. It’s so awful and sad.
But, she’s been in three car accidents in the last two years too. It’s just crazy.
Probably best that we don’t draw attention to us at this point.
My recently widowed dad was taken by one of the same- while I documented and reported to ALL authorities, he lost his house and everything he worked for his entire life to an ex- felon prostitute. I spent much time trying to make him aware to no avail! After draining him of all his funds she dumped him off, with a shopping bag of his belongings, in a motel in another state. Horrible!
When she was gone he decided that he wanted his family to take him in and support him in his old age since his choices didn't work out so well.
Be prepared for her to lose everything and for him to dump her when it is gone or worse. I think that my dads wife was trying to kill him through medical negligence. He was almost dead when we picked him up and he was in the hospital and SNF for a combined 60 days. We called the police multiple times and they always said he was fine. Yeah, the definition of what is fine is apparently subjective.
You have to decide if you will help pick up the pieces afterwards or if you will walk away. Those are your only 2 choices because she is free to make these decisions and there is nothing you can do.
Best of luck, it is an awful situation and you feel utterly helpless, but remember, you have choices for how much you will help her when this falls apart, don't feel obligated or guilty if you decide to let her deal with her consequences. Hugs!
Anyway she spent his money traveling around the world with him. Buying a new home and so forth with him. He was frugal with money before her. She bought expensive designer clothes with his money. He gave her whatever her heart desired.
She emotionally blackmailed him when the family became concerned for his welfare and told him to choose her alone or she would leave him. She saw us as a threat to losing his wallet. He was good enough to spend his money but not to marry.
He chose her early on in the relationship and he threw us away like yesterday’s garbage. It’s very sad that he missed out on two beautiful granddaughters. My kids would ask when they were young why did their grandpa forget about them. It broke my heart.
My husband is nothing like his dad. It hurt him to know that his father started cheating on his mom while she was dying of cancer. They were married for a long time and he had everyone believing he was a good husband who was faithful to his wife.
He stayed with this woman until her death. She died at age 95. He is 96. He moved away with her to North Carolina. After her death he came back to Louisiana and called my husband but my husband has no desire to see him. He didn’t apologize to my husband. He didn’t even mention our names to him. He just said to him, “How’s the family?” It hurt my husband that he didn’t even call me or our children by our names. I told my girls that he was back. They said they support their father in however he feels. The oldest one doesn’t remember a lot about him. The youngest one doesn’t remember him at all.
I suppose it’s too much water under the bridge and my husband just doesn’t view him as a ‘father’ anymore. I understand that. I told my husband that he may want to go see him so he wouldn’t have regrets but he isn’t interested. He doesn’t hate him. He forgives him. He just lost the feeling of him being his dad.
His dad is now living in an assisted living facility. Glad he saved enough money for that. The kicker to the story is that he got all his money from his in laws. My MIL was an only child and her father did well in life. He left his money to his daughter.
When my MIL died he got all of the money that was left to her from her father. That is how he funded his mistress’s lifestyle! Wonder what my grandfather in law would have thought of his hard earned money being spent on FIL’s mistress. My grandfather in law adored his daughter. It’s just sad all around.
I don’t understand the anger and resentment directed toward me though. Every time I’d tell her I love her and want to help her live a decent life, she looked at me with the venom you would see most people reserve for bottom feeders - it’s unnatural. Mothers are supposed to love their children.
Ok. I know. I’d like to think it isn’t really her talking, just the dementia or some other mental illness. Maybe...but, sometimes A is A. Maya Angelou said something about when people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
We have an alarm system, cameras, and home protection. We figure it’s a matter of time before they run out of Mom’s money and convince her she is owed some of ours.
You could seek guardianship if you believe she is demented, but apparently APS did not find her so impaired that they suggested you get a guardianship. And let us assume she IS Demented. Would you WANT guardianship? You would be alone in her care realistically as the sister is so far away.
As to her being owed your money of course that is out of the question. And you will not have to give her money. She well may run through her own. You say she owns a farm.
I think that I might now consider going to the Courts to ask for examination and possible guardianship by the State of your mother. I would not try to take it on yourself. There will likely a a lawyer who will take this case given your Mother would have a court appointed guardian who would likely sell the farm and have her placed in care. She doesn't sound mentally well. I have no idea if that is dementia or a result of her brain aneurysm.
Wishing you good luck. Hope you will update us. You will not be able to wrest care of your mother from these "others" who well may be very dangerous. I would leave this in the hands of the state at best, and walk away at worst, but I do not think you stand a chance of intervening yourself. So sorry. This is like some sort of awful Halloween nightmare story.
My friends father did exactly the same thing as others have mentioned. Wife dies, married 65 years, three weeks later, he is on line looking for a woman. He finds one, she takes him for everything he has, drops his children like a hot potato, wouldn't listen, he dies and there is nothing left.
I can understand adult kids moving so far away and leaving parents alone so elder parents find themselves becoming connected to others more locally who help them when they are most loneliest and feel safer in their own environments.
I wonder if if I will befriend strangers when I’m 85 and prefer to gift the strangers simply because I don’t see my kids anymore for years and years and so it goes ?
Thats why I think this unfortunate situation happens
I don't know if this is a comfort; but you note certain effects of the aneurysm and the damage it did to your mother's brain, and yet you take literally what she told you about her feelings towards you and your sister? You may have lost the part of her personality that made her a good, loving (?) mother when you were a child, but that doesn't mean that she wasn't really that person at the time.
What would you like to happen from here? If you want to pursue this effectively, it would be a good idea to think through what the alternatives are if you're successful in seeing off the predator.
You need to talk with an Elder Care Attorney.
Guardianship is not easy. It involves paperwork. It involves some court time.
But at this point it might be the only way to keep your mom safe.
Make sure you set your boundaries very clearly. DO NOT be left taking her in because she has nowhere else to go!
It is sometimes just what it appears to be. A selfish, self centered parent doing exactly what they want and phooey on everyone that doesn't agree.
Such a sad situation.
I see almost everyone is advising you to get POA from her, or to become her guardian.
My advice would be quite the opposite. I would be running in the other direction fast as I can. This sounds like a dangerous and unstable lot just offhand. I wouldn't have anything to do with them.
For everyone out there suggesting APS she already called them. They visited. They don't seem concerned.
Should you want guardianship I would ask the court to assign a guardian outside the family. That way bother Mother AND you are safe.
My state is not helpful in helping families with guardianship issues. Attorneys are quite expensive in guardianship hearings and if they ask your mother if she knows she is giving this man her money, and she responds yes, she is not considered incompetent.
Please be aware of your state's rules and regulations and the cost of attorneys to help prove you need guardianship of your mother.
It is a long and often emotional task.
God bless. I hope all goes well for you and your family.
The last time I saw Mom she was in the hospital. She had been admitted b/c of altered mental status, but she had gone to the ER for an inability to have a bowel movement. I asked the charge nurse to have her evaluated for dementia and she told me the hospital had eliminated their mental health department. They would treat her physical probs, but not mental, esp if she had a caregiver. I noticed her toe nails were long and curled up to the side. So gross. I couldn’t imagine the level of neglect. She doesn’t drink water very often, so they looked hard and filthy. I tried to talk Mom into seeing a psychologist and she threw me out of her room, but not before threatening to send the guy to burn my house down. She said he was 10 times the man my husband was. In my defense, I responded that my husband had a job and didn’t steal from old ladies, but she became unreasonably angry and I left in tears.
So, I guess I’m done. Idk what else to do. Since they have apparently married, I am at a loss. And, I’m tired.
Dad was our constant. He loved us without reservation, but he was weak. Our escape was the horses...and our grandparents.
After Dad died, I tried to get her to sell out and move to our property...build a house and barn. She would have everything she wanted.
Hatred is what I received from her. Vicious, mean...and resentful. That’s my mom.
Any new news? Hope this gets resolved soon.
I had to separate from mthr for 8 years but when APS was finally involved, we could rescue her without opposition. Just make sure that APS knows the connection and that you are interested in helping when this situation goes south.
I heard about the marriage from a neighbor who saw someone delivering flowers, and the guy walking around in a white suit. She thought maybe Mom had died. When I told her what had most likely happened, she was horrified. She has seen, herself, what an abuser and overall terrible man this guy is. I went online and found they had applied for a marriage license on Oct 8.
I texted my sister in CA...no answer. I feel like I’ve let Mom down - let my father down. I should have done something sooner. IDK what, exactly, but something. Anything. Maybe I’m in a “Twilight Zone” episode.