My father passed two weeks ago but was suffering for two years before with chronic illness. He was 82 and my mother is 62. He enabled her by taking care of everything for a very long time . She was functional but not mentally healthy up until about 7 years ago, and has gotten worse since. The last couple years since my father was sick and in and out of the hospital, she refused help but eventually became resentful and verbally abusive, sometimes threw stuff at him in anger, refused to feed him, give him pills. I would come home for stints at a time and help but even then she would make my life hell, acting jealous or controlling if I tried to do things to make things easier. Every time my Dad was in the hospital and recovering (sometimes months at at a time) I would come home to help and visit him everyday meanwhile she would drink, get angry, make excuses, and never visit him but would call just to tell him she was mad at him, ect. I tried to hire caregivers, and she eventually kicked home-health out of the house and he entered the hospital. She was being investigated for elderly abuse when he passed away in the hospital. Her drinking is completely out of control and to the point where she will probably and seems to want to drink herself to death. My Dad could never give her the ultimatum that was required for her to get better. My brother wants nothing to do with her because of her drinking and I feel very alone. She has sisters a few states over she could move closer to, I live on the other side of the country and although I would take her in, I can't see it working if she is going to continue drinking. I guess I don't know how to be supportive with her grief but acknowledge that she will never get better if she keeps drinking the way she does. She's manipulative, of course, lies constantly and I can't tell when she is trying to get something out of me or being honest with her feelings. It's not healthy for me to be around her yet I don't want to leave her alone. I guess I don't know if grief supersedes the need to set boundaries in order for her to get the help she needs. If she was sober, it would be easier to be patient with her forgetfulness, her anger, her despair...but this is who she has been far before my Dad died.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings?
Your thinking about your mom's drinking is quite off the mark. It was not for dad to give an ultimatum. You can't "take her in" and expect a behavior change.
It sounds like there is significant mental illness in addition to excessive consumption--a bad combination.
1. Go to Al-Anon.
2. Call her doctor (if she has one) and report the extent of her alcohol consumption and her behavior. As for advice.
3. Contact APS and report her as an elder who is not currently capable of caring for herself.
Now for you, yes, you should consider Al Anon meetings . This will be one step to help yourself.... Also speak with your physician and faith leader ( if you have one) for your own physical and spiritual support. Seek out a grief support group for yourself. Seek professional discernment and guidance about legal or other responsibilities or expectations. Take care of yourself.
You live elsewhere (far away) but are with Mom now in this immediate grieving time? Is that right?
Is it possible to BE with her for some of the day but STAY elsewhere overnight? Stay with other relatives, even a hotel?
This would maintain some boundaries between being her supportive visitor but not slide into being her caretaker.
Any temptation to scoop her up & bring her home needs to be really considered with practicality. It will NOT solve her deep & long standing problems. Mom will need to take responsibility for her own mental & physical health & seek help from professionals to get on her own pathway out. Many with alcohol/substance abuse (or mental health issues that underlie them) are not willing to seek help until they hit rock bottom.
If you become her 'cushion' to avoid that rock bottom, you will delay or stop the process.
You will not be able to fix her yourself - but can suggest she seek help.
The way you've described your mom's behavior is a lot to take on. Ideally, she needs to go into a rehab facility for her alcoholism. It's the safest place for her to ween off of alcohol - and it will also provide support for her in her grieving. She can't go on the way she currently is. Without doing so, it's really an uphill battle - and the emotional state she's currently in, with losing her husband/ your dad, it makes it all too easy to spiral. It's a very hard task to encourage a person to seek help - at the very least, she needs to start going to AA meetings (and you would also benefit from Al Anon).
If there are more family members who can rally around you in this and provide some support and encouragement to her in seeking help for her alcohol problem, perhaps it would make it easier. This could be a whole new beginning for her - rather than going downhill even more. I'm so sorry for what you're going thru - it's having to be very tough with her - not enabling her to continue as is. Al Anon helps a lot with understanding this for the family members - and can help in guiding you. I wish you continued healing, strength, and all the very best.
Your mother drinks because she is an alcoholic. When your father was ill, she abused him. Alcoholics can be very abusive. She is sixty-two which is still relatively young. Please don't sacrifice yourself to take your dad's place with your mother and become the next scapegoat. The anger she felt towards him is resentment. He took care of her all of those years, but when it was her turn to help him, she turned on him. Selfishness is another characteristic of these emotionally immature people.
I was raised by an alcoholic mother. I was blessed with neighbors, school counselors, clergy, teachers and others who were able to guide me during my formative years. As a child, I never knew what shape mom would be in when I came home from school. Some days, there was no dinner. When she was sober, she would spend time trying to make up for it.
I joined Al-Anon and Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics. These are very good support groups and there is no charge to become a member. Please check these out.
After joining, I learned how to detach with love from the family situation. You do not have to stay around and participate in someone's destruction. Destructive people will not only ruin their lives but the lives of others as well. Do not take her in.
Please accept my deepest condolences.
She will not get better until she wants to get better. No amount of help from you is going to speed up the process. This is her battle to fight.
Your job is to go to Al-Anon
Dear Dad, though, did you no favor by enabling Mom. And you should not pick up where he left off. Is Mom really grieving ur Dad or the loss of income and the person who enabled her. Don't you be the one to enable or disable. Do not have her move in with you or move near you.
Make sure she signs up for Social Security. She should be able to get your Dads. Go to the office, I like face to face. Make an appt and find out what she needs to bring. See if you can find out how she stands financially. If there is a house, maybe it will be too much for her alone and better it gets sold with her finding a nice apartment and using the proceeds to offset living costs. At this point she should not be driving. Call Office of Aging to see what resources are out there for her. Maybe someone from AA can check on her and try to get her to a meeting. Maybe put her on APS's radar. Problem with addicts of any kind, they have to hit bottom.