I am safe in an assisted living respite facility for 20 days after having fractures from osteoporosis (and after my husband became physically abusive). He really doesn’t seem to understand the crisis we are in. I finally get this. My husband is home alone & I am so worried but I also need to stay safe. His diagnosis is Mild cognitive disorder but has close family members with Alzheimer's & his Mother died from it too.
I am beginning to walk again with a walker. He is unaware how much he has deteriorated & refuses my recommendations but will get retested for his memory in 3 months. There is no family to help because they too are older & live too far away. Sadly, my only living son who also doesn’t live near seems to be in denial & says he isn’t available even for an emergency. It is hard to explain to anyone what home life is like as he has become more abusive since his short term memory began to worsen 4 years ago. He can be very kind but became physically abusive after I had a surgery 2 months ago. I am so alone to try to plan the future.
I need to sell the house but he will “never” go to one of those places (assisted or memory care). I have been married for 57 years & love him & want to take care of him but now I know I have to care for my physical safety. The emotional abuse I am enduring is also heartbreaking. I have a strong faith & have not given up on hope.
I would appreciate any conversation. I am in a crisis & feel all alone but I have faith that it will work out. I am so sad.
Do the police know he attacked you? Does social services (APS) know? Please don't go back there while he's still there. I think you see that you cannot realistically "take care" of him and protect yourself at the same time.
Do you have Power of Attorney for your husband? If so and he now has a diagnosis of "cognitive disorder" you probably have active authority to have him transitioned to MC. Check the wording in the document to see when it is active.
If you are a member of church is there someone in the congregation who can help you navigate next steps? Please call any church in your area and ask if they have a Care Ministry (you don't have to be a member or even belong to that denomination or religion).
At the very least please call social services to help you through this. If you do not have PoA for your husband APS for your county can help you move forward to problem solve this, so please contact them and get yourself on their radar.
Waiting 3 months for his next retest is too far into the future in your situation. Please contact his doctor and inform him/her of this incident. It seems like this is more than "mild cognitive impairment" and it's very important that his medical team knows this. A different diagnosis may speed up the process for getting both of you the right help and protection. May you receive peace in your heart and many hands and minds to help you walk this journey.
You also need too talk to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. You do not need to lose ur home to pay for his care. Your assets will be looked at and can be split. Your husbands half being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. You stay in the house and have a car. You will get enough or all of your monthly income to live on. You will not be made impoverished.
You should call APS for no other reason than to do a well check on ur husband. See if where ur has a Social Worker you can talk to.
I made an emergency appt to go with my husband to see this doctor & thought increasing his medicines was okay but when he got worse, I made calls & spoke to different staff about my husband getting even worse with these medicines. The doctor is 80 years old & also hard of hearing like my husband. I have made an appt with a new young Geriatric Psychiatrist & all papers have been mailed of all tests. It will be another 3 weeks before seeing her.
I have so much on my shoulders. I so appreciate any continued conversation. I have made numerous calls to the local Area on Aging & it takes weeks of missing their calls. It has been exhausting with my poor health. it is just phone tag & I still haven’t been able to talk to anyone.
I finally prioritized to go to a handi-cap place to keep myself safe but that too took time & energy. It takes money also.
i will reach out to the church. i am just sad & desperate.
"I am in my 70’s & am overwhelmed at times trying to be the head of the household. I’ve been married over 55 years. My spouse has become very angry & has a family history of Alzheimer’s. It seemed he had Lewy bodies or frontotemporal dementia but no diagnosis confirmed this. Anyway, I want to stay at home with him for a few more years. I have mobility problems from severe spinal stenosis but coping & independent. Getting older is a challenge itself; one of our children recently died. Faith keeps me from falling. My husband has hearing & understanding problems. A conversation is difficult because of his inability to move forward in the conversation. He can not tolerate a feeling of doing something wrong. He has anxiety, occasional rage, & hearing difficulties. He thinks he is making decisions for things but I am the one making & doing what is needed for a home & planning trips etc. I just never know whether he is going to be his old self or become enraged or shut down. He can be smart one minute & then seems unable to catch-on in his thinking the next minute."
The OP lives in Lake Ridge, VA -- for anyone who would like to help by researching resources and options for this sweet lady!
I am on the fast track to find handi-cap housing for myself. I see this as the first necessary step. It is hard to admit to anyone, even to myself, what has been going on. Thank you all for your support.
I have not looked into an elder lawyer; I didn’t know about that.
Second, to assure folks, I did not receive broken bones from my husband. But I realize I can not go home to live. I will get a friend to be present when I go to organize for when I move. The abuse is definitely very scary & I am afraid to be alone with him. I saw a very informative youtube video on aggressive behavior with dementia. I was not open to learn from it before now.
Most information that I used to hear was about how to train people who work in a facility but when it is one’s spouse there is a lot of emotions that are not so easily pushed aside.
Coming to a respite for care has strengthened me to know I need to continue to take action. God gives us brains that he wants us to use. I just couldn’t do anything until I got scared enough.
I am taking things slowly now without feeling overwhelmed & I am beginning to make a few decisions which has decreased my stress.
I just couldn’t believe all the support and help coming from this forum when I checked my email & saw there were messages. I have talked and talked but YOU all really listened. There isn’t anything easy about this. I agree 3 weeks is a long time before seeing the Geriatric Psychiatrist in this situation. Unfortunately it seems that only someone who has experienced living with similar issues can understand.
My husband does not have a diagnosis of dementia yet—his diagnosis is mild cognitive decline. However within the write-up, it stated that it is probable frontal lobe variant Alzheimer’s. He failed the clock test. Not until I heard on YouTube this week where someone said their loved one too failed a clock test am I beginning to see just how serious my husband’s decline really is. Everything just fit him as if it they knew his symptoms & behaviors. It is so sad to realize it whether the doctor gives a definite diagnosis or not. I don’t need a doctor to tell me something is very wrong.
I want him to get the care he deserves. And, I finally understand that I have to keep myself safe. Thanks to all of you.
If so, that's not just "aggression" and "verbal abuse". That's assault.
Your husband sounds dangerous! I would seriously take the time while you're in the respite facility and speak to the social worker on staff and have them help you either 1) find a safe place to live without your husband or 2) find placement for your violent husband in a facility that can handle him.
Loving your husband isn't going to be enough to keep yourself from getting injured - or worse - again. If he's already broken bones, what will be next?
Please, for your own safety, find different living arrangements for one of you!
I hope you will see an attorney who specializes in elder care. If you don't have one, the county bar association can recommend someone.
My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time. Many ((HUGS))
An 80 year old hard-of-hearing doctor needs to retire and is no longer qualified to treat your husband or anybody else.
You cannot wait for 'an appointment' 3 weeks down the road but need to treat this entire matter like the emergency it is.
Broken bones from an enraged and demented husband is a very serious matter.
You are indeed 'alone' in this matter, even when God is with you, if your son is unwilling to help you and wants no part in this dilemma, even in the case of an emergency. And if you have no friends or other family willing to help you. What constitutes 'alone' then, if not the situation you are currently in???????? God helps those who help themselves and you cannot rely on Him to stop your husband from acting out and hurting you again! Sorry, but that's the truth.
Call an Elder Care attorney immediately to see how to proceed with this entire situation, to keep yourself safe and to not leave yourself penniless in the process.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
And maybe the way God is helping the OP is by delivering her to this safe place and giving her the opportunity to connect with the resources she needs for herself AND her husband.
Sometimes God puts the tools into our hands; it's on us to be proactive and learn how to use them.
1). Are you accusing your husband of physically abusing you?
It is possible that you might have to become his Guardian. (I know odd and complicated but that is what I had to do)
PLEASE consult with an Elder Care Attorney to determine what your next steps are.
If he has an official diagnosis of dementia he may not have the ability legal or otherwise to decide if he goes to "one of those places" . The move would be for his safety and more importantly your safety.
Due to the violence he may have to see a geriatric psychologist.
(best case scenario would have been to have him transported to the hospital for evaluation when he injured you but I am sure that was the last thing on your mind)
He needs to be medicated. For his safety as well as yours and others. This is very important though...
The type of dementia is important LBD patients can not be put on some of the medications typically used so an accurate diagnosis it important.
Does he have an "official" diagnosis or just Mild Cognitive Impairment"?
Some forms of dementia appear more prone to violence than others but that is a generalization and unfortunately with dementia it is not good to generalize. (LBD is one of the types that can be more prone to violence) There is no "normal, or typical" each person is unique.
Do you plan on staying in the AL or would a move to Independent Living or condo/apartment be more in your future?
(my thought is as you are recovering from both surgery and abuse Assisted Living might be the place to be for now, until you feel confident in your physical and emotional self)
Please do not try to face this alone. There are Women's Shelters and they could be of great help emotionally, legally (many have lawyers that consult)
The AL facility where you are now would have a Social Worker on staff you can also set up an appointment with her/him to help you sort thorough some of this.
I truly wish I could reach out and give you a big hug right now because this...((HUGS)) does not seem enough.
1. my husband became physically abusive
2. He really doesn’t seem to understand the crisis we are in.
3. I am so worried but I also need to stay safe.
4. He is unaware how much he has deteriorated
5. There is no family to help
6. my only living son...seems to be in denial
7. he has become more abusive
8. his short term memory began to worsen 4 years ago
9. I have to care for my physical safety.
10. I am in a crisis
First thing miss joyful-this is a good place to complain. We have been there.
Second, but more importantly, you need some professional help. By this I mean someone trained to deal with dementia. You/he need memory care. I don't care what you do to "trick" him into going. We call them theraputic fibs. Look on this site for examples
Please come to this reality-his mental ability is going or is gone. He is not the person you knew years ago. His empathy, his sense of kindness, his tenderness are all gone or gone most of the time.
If you need POA and don't have it, there are threads on how to get him to make you POA as well.
Start NOW.
703-368-4141
Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hot Line
800-838-8238
They will help lead you in the direction and to the resources you need or will put you in touch with people who can help you.
As for your husband refusing to go into any kind of AL facility, if he has dementia and is an at-risk adult it is not his decision to make.
Ask one of the respite/rehab social workers to call APS and have them do a wellness check on your husband. Let the state handle your husband now. They will place him in the appropriate facility for the care level he needs. Then you can return home and be safe.
1 - notifying appropriate authorities that your husband needs care now
2 - placing your husband into care that meets his needs
3 - helping you plan your "next steps" after your recovery
Dementia or not, no one should endure an abusive relationship or environment.
Can you go to assisted living with out selling the house? Do you have income of your own that would cover you?
Can you get the help of the facility to explain to your husband that you are unable to come home and your health will not allow you to continue to safely care for him?
Can you find a shared accommodation unit where you can be together - although it sounds as though memory care may be becoming necessary for him rather than assisted living.
Do you each have POA for the other in case of cognitive decline - this MAY be something he would discuss with his family history?
It is a very sad situation, I would not want to be separated from my LO, but sometimes this has to be the solution especially if one of us becomes mentally unable, or violent, or just needs too much care. Maybe you can pick a moment to discuss joint POAs but if you feel it has gone too far perhaps an elder lawyer can help you with the options you have for staying in assisted living where you are free from physical and mental / emotional abuse.
You say you love him, but I suspect that isn't true. You are a experiencing a form of Stockholm syndrome. It is not possible to love someone who beats the crap out of you. He doesn't belong in assisted living, he belongs in jail. I'm surprised the police have not been notified. They should be.
Mild cognitive impairment is not an excuse to beat someone up. Stay away from him.
My dear husband of 20 years and myself each have separate difficult families and assets. Our living arrangements are in a state of flux. My health is dodgy, but Tony has higher danger risks. We have been talking about wills for years now, even went for advice and still gave up. We have just been thinking through an approach that is working much better, by dividing ‘plans’ into three stages.
Stage 1 for each of us is a will in case a plane dropped on our head tomorrow. It’s not likely, but a close friend was killed in a road accident a month ago, and it does happen. This is more simple, because it only deals with things as they are right now. Your comparison plan might be ‘extend the AL respite for three months’. It stops you worrying about the long term.
Stage 2 for each of us is to remake our will if we get a diagnosis of a terminal illness. My first (ex) husband had a 3 month cancer prognosis, out of the blue, and went to a lawyer to make a new will within a fortnight of the diagnosis. He knew just what the situation would be, so no need to look long term. Your comparison plan might come when your husband has had better medical advice and you know how quickly things are deteriorating. Your own three months respite should give it time for better knowledge.
Stage 3 for us is when we have sold the farm, moved interstate to the house which will eventually get built in spite of Covid (we're currently staying here in a shed), know how much cash it will all involve, wait for daughter to work out if she lives in Australia or Ireland, sort out other family issues (please God), find out how ageing in our 70s is treating us. At that point we can make some sensible plans without driving ourselves around the bend with the 'what if's. Your comparison might be knowing if you can make living at home work with support and a better medicated husband, or whether the best option would be to move into the same AL complex but in different rooms and care levels.
I have no idea if doing this in stages might help you in the same way, but for us it has been a really new and really good way to simplify our own planning. Love from Margaret
I have extended respite care for 30 more days & pray I get the answers I feel comfortable with regarding where to live, where he might be willing to move to, how to sell the house & what to do with everything we couldn’t keep when the house is sold. My husband’s confusion seems much worse & his conversations are about 35 years old - he is reliving things that upset him as if it is happening right now & some happened to other people (but he thinks they happened to him). At least that is my impression. He sees the specialist this week. His brother is in the hospital again after having been there for 3 weeks (he’s in his 80’s & lives in a different part of the country).. So things are all up in the air. My husband can have a conversation & most people would not realize the problems I see. He does everything he can to make sure no one knows he has any difficulties. Hopefully the specialist will see right through this….
Yesterday I asked for my husband to bring me shampoo from home & he must have had over 10 questions about bringing it. I ended it by saying I don’t need it right now (which isn’t true). I don’t understand him if it is not Alzheimers. His anger is also much worse most of the time now. He says he will not move from the house. One evening he said he had not eaten all day. I order cooked food for him so there is food. He is also driving still. I am very worried. I think we could afford two apts here at the facility where I am living but he says he knows ‘they’ will lock him away. I hear a very scared man who is also very, very angry at me. After 57 years of marriage my heart is broken & I just pray the new specialist helps him (& me). Now that I have been here for a month & not under the constant verbal abuse, I am thinking he is worse than I realized. With his family history of Alzheimer’s & from all I talk to here, it seems to be the probable cause for the changes I have seen worsen over time. The physical abuse began 2 weeks after an 80 year old Geriatric Psychiatrist gave him two new medicines. These medicines have been increased & I am told they are not used for elderly nor anyone with memory problems. He says he wants to do what this doctor recommends….My hands are tied. i pray the specialist who is younger will be the help he so desperately needs.
I am stressed about so much & my pain has increased. I am very limited as to my independence primarily because of the pain. I am walking with my walker again however (not using the wheel chair) & am hoping the pain is worse because I am over-worrying about my husband.
As soon as he sees the specialist I might feel more able to get social services involved without totally running him away from me. I have put everything on hold hoping against hope that he might get real help from this MD. It will depend on the visit. I have hired a driver to take us to the appt because I absolutely feel unsafe alone at this time with him. I am keeping this as a white-lie & the director here will help me by advising him that I need someone to accompany me because of the fractures & that there are no added fees. He is so afraid of being controlled I am thinking. He would be furious to know I am paying a driver. I am suppose to be present at the appt but I don’t know if I will get to talk to the doctor. I wrote her a letter the very night I prepared to move here & my physician wrote a letter later on my behalf also. All the necessary papers were signed by him & I copied all the reports & tests he’s had done in the past.
I appreciate the 1,2,3 list idea to try to simplify planning. Another month here might be best. Thank you! I would like to hear more about you too. I am rather new at this forum. This is hard.