How do others handle being ignored by adult Grandchildren?

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How do others handle being ignored by adult Grandchildren?

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Today I sent this text to our 26 year old Granddaughter.
Update from here.......we are still alive! Yesterday after your Mom called, to wish her Dad a Happy 87th Birthday, your Grandpa asked me if she had any children. I said yes, a daughter. He said, “Oh a daughter, how old is she?” I said almost 27. He then asked, “Where does she live?” I said Texas. He then asked, “Does she ever call us?” My answer, No. You see this is what is called the Alzheimers puzzle. He tries to put things together, asks the same questions over and over again. He loves to get phone calls. I can tell he feels the love as he smiles and laughs with them. One of the Birthday calls he got yesterday was from a childhood buddy. His friend told him about the snow he had just plowed and they laughed, because his friend calls every month or so he somewhat remembers him. Not easy to see this brain robbing disease take my dear sweet wonderful husband from me and his ability to do almost anything for himself, but what hurts even more is when others already think he/we are dead. ❤️

Alzheimer's & Dementia Relationships

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Many on this forum, choose to stay away from their parents for very real and legitimate reasons. Framing things to your husband + grand-daughter in a deliberately hurtful manner, indicates your daughter +granddaughter have valid reasons to stay away.
Your Passive Aggressive text indicates that your granddaughter should NOT reply. unless you APOLOGIZE FOR THAT HORRIBLE TEXT; the elder is technically responsible for maintaining contact, feel free to text or email your grandchild in an appropriate manner. It's not their job to initiate contact.

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That is why she doesn’t call. That was very passive aggressive.

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It's even worse when the adult CHILDREN don't call, except when they need money.

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i can understand the pain you both have at not being in touch with the grandchildren. With dementia they do ask over and over and getting the same "no" i am sure is sad for them. they don't understand. My father quite often said he was going to remove the one grand daughter from his will because she never came around, etc. granted they (brother/family) only lived 1/2 hour away, they hardly came around. Well he never did remove because I told him that it wouldn't be right. he passed in May 2020 and she is still in the will. funny thing is that I heard her (niece) tell my mother she loved her but has only seen her 1 or 2 times in 2 years. never calls, never sends letters, etc., but yet she is on the receiving end of money each year at Christmas from my mother. wishing you luck.

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Hi
I should have added what others have said . Call your granddaughter
and put grandpa on the phone to say hi. Young people can get busy and forget .
Face time on the cell phone is another way to add a little fun.
Best to you

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Hi
I certainly understood the hurt of not being called. Why not just text the granddaughter and say hey your grandpa would love you to call and say hi , just for 5 minutes
The young people are busy themselves and do tend to forget family. Even parents they don’t see that much.
My children were around both sets of grandparents even though the relationship was different with each. Still there should be respect since we only have a small amount of time together. Young people are not understanding how important a little attention is for their families. That’s a shame.
Best to you

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I call all the grandchildren, his two remaining friends, and his brother and niece once a month. I talk for a few minutes then I say, "Let me get Marty for you", I hand the phone to Marty who doesn't know I called them. They will talk for a minute or two then hang up.

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Very happy here, for my grand daughter to be living her own life, and is very happy.

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Imho, my DH and I are already in the category - where no one calls us to see if we're still among the living. Very frustrating; I understand. Ergo, we are not ill.

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Often the grandparents were very distant and made no attempt to nurture a relationship while their grandchildren were young. This was the case with my parents. They moved far away for 15 years! Dad just passed and two of my adult children visit regularly to my mom and husband's aunt and one brings her children.
Another adult child does not. I have suggested sending cards with pictures of her kids, quick visits alone or a short phone call. I have a mom 84 and my husbands aunt 92 ( helped me raise my kids) who are neglected by this adult child. I have even offered to meet her for a visit if she felt uncomfortable.
Very frustrating and she lives close to both elders!
I am praying her heart will feel the desire to visit.

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This is very true as it was with my sons and my wife's parents plus my wife's twin sister. They don't feel any connection and now that the parents are dead no longer want to visit their mom's sister because they never felt part of the family with her either. On the other hand, they love my side of the family. I've often heard the saying if you don't listen and play with them as young children, they will not return the favour when they get older. It's true.

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One slightly different comment about my own experience. I have one daughter and son-in-law I have known since they were children. I think they still see me as ‘old’, even though I certainly wasn’t old when I first knew them. Trying to talk to them about anything other than simple housekeeping is like getting blood out of a stone.

My other daughter and son-in-law married at 35 plus, and had a child much later than the first. Daughter is a lot more caring, and happy to talk about child psychology, current issues etc. Son-in-law treats me (and DH2) as an adult, full range of interesting conversations. Daughter then joins in with her ideas.

I think that when young people have pigeon-holed you as old, past it, out of touch, and all the rest of it, it is quite difficult to break each of you out of the mold. I’m sure that there is good advice in all the posts here, but my guess is that it isn't all your fault. Yours, Margaret

PS Sorry about the mixed metaphors, I just got flumoxed by US spelling of 'mould'.

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Nice! And thanks for your input!

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I really get angry about this. This is the same thing that happens to my husband. I don't say anything because I am the step grandmother. He has trouble expressing his thoughts and I guess it makes them uncomfortable. Don't really know the reason. It's painful!

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I’m going to share something that may held shed some light on your situation. My dad was injured in Vietnam and has plates in his head. He has suffered some serious health crisis over the last 20 years that have affected him cognitively. Most of the time, when he is talking, he has to stop mid sentence because he cannot get the word out. It can take him a minute or two to get the word out and continue his sentence. As his daughter, I had a hard time accepting this, I avoided him. I did not try to talk to him. It was hard seeing him decline like that. I wasn’t used to him being this way and I didn’t have patience. There’s a chance your husbands children feel similarly. Especially if they aren’t close to him and don’t see him regularly. It is difficult for children to see their parents in a state of decline. This doesn’t excuse their behavior though. Personally I regret how I behaved in the past toward my dad. He didn’t deserve it. And I have to live with the guilt and the regret. I wish I had realized what I was doing sooner and put more of an effort in to our relationship. I hope your husbands children come
around soon.

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Human nature at its worst. If it doesn’t affect them directly, or if there is no compensation to be had for being nice and showing respect, then indifference rules the day. That is until the world turns around, and those in the safe side experience the unthinkable.

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do you realize this goes both ways? The OP doesn’t actually seem to care about the granddaughter. She has continually avoided answering the questions about what type of relationship She has had with the grandchild and how much effort she herself has put toward her relationship with the grandchild. Her grandchild has her own life, her own problems. Doesn’t sound like the OP has any consideration for that since it doesn’t affect her.

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This is so difficult and so very sad. My step mother couldn't remember my kids, they were her grandkids for 20 years. We spent every Christmas with her for 20 years. It is gut wrenching tough.
Blessings to you. I will pray for you daily.
Keep calling! Keep loving him.

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It depends on what the relationship was 'before'. When I was 26 [I'm 66 now], and my grandfather was very elderly, I didn't call him regularly; he was living with his son (my dad) and my mom. I knew what was going on, I lived close and visited both my mom and dad, and my grandfather. As an aside, I think that text served no purpose; it sounds (and was meant to be?) quite passive-aggressive, and will only serve to make your granddaughter feel poorly about herself. Perhaps a simpler, and more honest, text would have been to say "We'd both appreciate it so much if you'd call him once in a while if you have time--even though he's not 100% all the time cognitively; it makes him happy!"

I think that if there wasn't previously a close relationship between him and your granddaughter, it sort of makes sense to me, from experience. I think, let's not spread any more judgment, guilt or resentment. There's far too much of it already in our lives as caretakers. It's so lovely that your dad's childhood friend stays in touch.

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I'm sorry your granddaughter did not call on his birthday. With that said, you still handled it very wrong.

When I was around 20 I went to a big all day concert on my grandmother's birthday. We left early and got home late. I called her the next day to wish her a happy birthday and she let loose on me with the venom of a 1000 cobras. Do you think that made me want to call her more often?

Did you call your granddaughter on her birthday? Were you close in the past?

Do you take an interest in her life when you do speak? Calling my grandmother...back in the 1980s & 1990s was a chore because all she wanted to do was quilt trip you for every wrong in her life. I made a special trip to see her to announce my engagement. She spent the rest of the day complaining that my father didn't say anything to her when she spoke on the phone with him earlier that day. I realized that I needed to stop wasting my time trying to make her happy because it was an impossible task.

Previous generations fell for the guilt-tripping but I think the younger generation is a bit smarter in that respect.

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I think you and I might have, unknowingly, had the same grandmother!! Holy cow, does what your grandmother did sound like the stuff my grandmother did!

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Handle it with good thought out estate planning.

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Ouch! Wow ..., that's pretty mean.

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No offense, but if this is how you operate, with a guilt inspiring method. I wouldn't have much desire to call or visit either. Not everyone has the capacity to deal with the illness as well as someone who is forced to as next of kin.
I hope maybe she can find some compassion for her grandfather and that your action did not destroy your relationship with her. Maybe she is establishing boundaries to not get trapped in your demanding and manipulative web. Perhaps you need to find a support group.

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Unfortunately with mom the only time her eldest, grand daughter or great grandchild call is when they want money. This plague is all to common and is a disgrace.
Just get on with your life without them. It hurts at first but it is best.

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Grandparents and other elderly relatives are just not high priorities for most young people living their lives in their 20's and 30's. It would be nice for your husband, and for you, to get some of their attention, but do not expect nor rely on it.

Make life as warm and stimulating as you can for your husband each day. He will enjoy happy moments as they come. Don't waste time lamenting moments that do not come.

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Thank you, I keep reminding myself of that.

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My kids had two Grandfathers. One who lived with us at the end of his life, and we took care of him, my husbands Dad, and now also tending to my Mother as her caregiver. The other, my Dad, became part of a religion that advised no contact with family members if they weren't part of said religion. That was my Father. We were the ones that reached out, made attempts to visit, when he moved away to be closer to his own parents 400 miles away. Then get a guilt trip from one of his Sisters, who i was closer to and my Mom was close to her as well after their divorce because of said religion. My Dad said some misogynistic things to my sisters and some of my cousins, that were positions his religion took on how women should submit to husbands. Everyone has a different relationship with every single person in their lives. I take care of my Mom, work from home, luckily, so I can also be here for my Mom when needed throughout the day. He doesn't reach out to us, and never really did. Only his Sister, my Aunt reached out, we were sent a guilt trip letter asking why none of his kids never phone or visit their Dad. Two of us made attempts, the other 2 really don't. Things happen in life, Covid happens, we as kids have lives and jobs that require us to provide for our families. Its a two way street, like others have said it goes both ways. And when one starts having Dementia, or Alzheimers or other aches and pains associated with old age, the caregivers are the ones that are dealing with all the stress, and grandkids, and other family members don't understand how to deal with it or talk about it and some of my nieces and nephews just want to remember the Grandma they had pre-stroke. She was very active in their lives, but they were all around 10 or under. My Mom was always taking them on the weekends for sleepovers and doing fun things with them and then it stopped when she was paralyzed on half her body by a stroke, and they don't like it because they are too young to understand. They just want the old Grandma back that was not disabled. My brother and sisters rarely visit my Mom, but I also realize that they still have young children they have to do homeschool with now, and work, and they may not have the time to come visit my Mom. My Mom enjoys seeing her Grandkids, but it wears her out the next couple days after a visit. I don't hold it against them. My Sons are older in their 20s, they help take care of my Mom, feeding her, getting groceries, etc. I just learned to stop expecting things from others. We all have our own lives, and guilt-tripping people doesn't work, it just makes it worse and more strained relationship.

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I don't have any children, myself, but my nieces are 28 and 31. My mother moved to their state to remain near them and my sister and brother-in-law. To my knowledge, the granddaughters never see or call their grandmother (who has always been very generous with them financially, as well as personally available). To be somewhat fair, she has been in "lockdown" for the last year, but she is still able to answer and speak on the telephone. I try to rationalize this by reminding myself that when my own grandparents were alive we all lived in the same small community and were not distracted by technology. My mother made sure we were connected to my grandparents. However, they did not live past my 9th birthday so I do not know if I would have "outgrown" them eventually and been just as distant to them as my nieces are to my mother. I try to be understanding, but it hurts to watch her be dismissed like this. It is hard to talk to her, for sure, but there are ways around that. As it is, she barely remembers their names now. However, I agree, completely with those who write that "guilting" gets you nowhere.

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My grandfather was always quite generous financially. I appreciated it, loved him for it and always will, but still, in my early 20s, I didn't have much time for my 86 y/o grandfather, who was being nursed in my mom and dad's house by my mom. It would've felt obligatory, and my parents didn't expect it of me either. Linking, even remotely, money and attention as a quid-pro-quo is just unhealthy in my opinion.

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Just to add a wryly humorous note (and at the same time sympathise with the OP's feeling of being "buried out of mind") - in the UK we have a magazine called The Oldie, aimed at the over 60s readership, written and edited mainly by seniors too, which has a regular column featuring once well-known figures who have been for some time out of the public eye. The column is ironically entitled 'Still With Us'; and yes it does engender a little frisson of guilt to read about someone you were once a devoted fan of, and realise that you'd just assumed, without giving it any active thought, that they'd been dead for years.

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Thank you for the tip on the magazine The Oldie.
There are many seniors here from England that would love to read this and I am sharing it with them.

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I have no children, but marvel at the wonderful responses here...and all over this site! Two thoughts from me....my mom always let me know about deaths in the family and among her friends and I would send a sympathy card...but I never knew their birthdays. Wish I had thought to ask. Mom had one of those 'perpetual calendars ' at her desk...it shows a month at a time with no days of the week and she was legendary for being on top of birthdays. My perpetual calendar hangs by my phone(yep, still have a landline!) and some of my nieces and their families say it is the only card they get in the mail! Maybe send your granddaughter one of these and premark some special occasions along with an acknowledgement that she has a very busy life with lots of concerns besides you...and perhaps ask her to limit her calls to five minutes...that might take some pressure off. It is so difficult to be a caregiver in these times especially. Do not beat yourself up over the text you sent, but if you can let her know that you hurt and she means so much.
Maybe ask her parents to be like my mom and give their daughter a judge when calls should be made?

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There does seem to be a bit of an ongoing mean streak on this site. Not sure why that happened here, of all places.

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Know what you mean.

I think they just don't want to acknowledge what is happening because it makes them so uncomfortable.

May be the best thing is to accept it, pray for them, and move on.

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Yup, thanks❤️

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Amen

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I’m sorry you are hurt by that and I understand it is painful. I want to give you a little perspective. When you are 26, working your first real job, maybe in a relationship, learning how to “adult” there are many many things vying for your time and attention. Life becomes taking care of “the tyranny of the urgent.” There is not a lot of time for sitting around thinking “I wonder if it’s anyone’s birthday?” It is not a purposeful ignoring-just a trying to keep up with all your responsibilities. As we age, and retire, and our lives slow down, we don’t have as many irons in the fire. We also forget what it was like when we were younger and had all that stuff needing our attention. Instead of being angry with her, you could call her and see how she is and ask if there is a certain day of the week when it would be convenient for you to give her a call. Tell her Granddad really loves to talk to her and with his memory issues it is one of the things that brings him great joy. Tell her it doesn’t have to be a long call-just 10-15 min to catch up. Maybe even bi-weekly? And then YOU take the initiative and make the calls-don’t give her one more thing to juggle.

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A good response.

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Everyone has given such great answers!!!! I just wanted to add my 2 cents. I have 2 adult daughters. My SIL has 2 adult children as well. My girls are regularly in contact with my mom and my grandmother. SILs children are regularly in contact with their paternal grandmother. But their shared grandfather is another story altogether. As other have mentioned, he has never taken an interest in them. He never acknowledged them when they would visit. We went an entire holiday with them across the table from them and even with them talking to them he never even spoke to them.
As adults they decided that they didnt have room in their lives for someone lied about them to make himself seem important but was toxic to them on the regular. (This is a very condensed version of his grandparenthood). Needless to say they are completely justified. If it was just 1 of them I could see it. being either of them that is the problem. But ALL of his grands avoid him. So its pretty clear where the problem is.
Guilt is a potent and very negative way to get what you want. Guilt as a means of having a relationship is toxic.
As others said, the phone works both ways. You could dial for him and let them talk. And maybe in your case texting isn't a viable option but my girls text their 94 year old GREAT grandmother all of the time and she responds and loves it! Sometimes it is about meeting people where they live. I'd be curious as to how conversations go when everyone does talk?

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That was a pretty harsh text. What did you hope to achieve with a guilt trip. Maybe your granddaughter feels awkward about calling. Why don’t you call her?

How about a text like like “Hi, honey. How are you doing? Your granddad and I were just talking about you today. I’ll try to give you a call next time he’s having a good day. Take care of yourself and keep safe. We love you!”

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I know when I started the conversation on this forum, I did not give much background, but left it wide open to all the thoughts out there and that is what I wanted. I thank each and everyone of you for your input. It has been a big help to me. I especially like your last paragraph suggestion. I also have to accept even though I don’t like or agree with the way they do things now. Everything is so different today compared to when I was married 61 years ago, when I was 27 our daughter was 7 and our son 4 and I was working part time. Along with that I always had time for my Grandparents and parents. Experiencing grief before a death of a loved one, can trigger and I need to be more aware it is happening and you have all been a big help opening my eyes to it. This journey does have its detours, doesn’t it. ❤️

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Did your granddaughter ever say she thinks you’re already dead and that’s why she doesn’t call? Or did you just make up this horrible scenario and assign it to her? I see that in this text you explain how it helps your husband to talk to his loved ones. Had that ever been explained to her before? Maybe she talked to him and he didn’t know who she was and she thought maybe it didn’t help for her to call him. Maybe it’s painful for her to talk to him now, remembering how he was before and seeing how Alzheimer’s stole that from him, and stole him from his loved ones. Did you ever talk to her about any of that in a reasonable, non-manipulative way or did you just jump right to this guilt-bomb?
If she calls you as a result of this text, how do you think the conversation is going to go? Do you think it’s going to be a happy, loving conversation? It’s not. You have made it clear the this is going to be an unpleasant experience. You’ve made talking to you an obligation and a burden, and you’re going to be treated like one.
Is this the first time you’ve talked to your granddaughter like this? I bet it’s not. I also can tell you it’s at least one reason you don’t hear from her.
You could have texted her that you and your husband would love to hear from her and catch up on what she’s doing. You could have explained that while his memory and personality are not what they once were, a call would lift his spirits and be worthwhile to have. Then you could have had a nice chat (provided you didn’t berate and guilt her more, or focus the conversation around your aches and pains and misery) that she would want to repeat in the future, and then she’d call you of her own accord.
You didn’t really ask a question, but I hope it was that you hadn’t sent this text yet and wanted to know if you should. The answer is NO.

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How do others handle being ignored by adult Grandchildren?

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