Today I sent this text to our 26 year old Granddaughter.
Update from here.......we are still alive! Yesterday after your Mom called, to wish her Dad a Happy 87th Birthday, your Grandpa asked me if she had any children. I said yes, a daughter. He said, “Oh a daughter, how old is she?” I said almost 27. He then asked, “Where does she live?” I said Texas. He then asked, “Does she ever call us?” My answer, No. You see this is what is called the Alzheimers puzzle. He tries to put things together, asks the same questions over and over again. He loves to get phone calls. I can tell he feels the love as he smiles and laughs with them. One of the Birthday calls he got yesterday was from a childhood buddy. His friend told him about the snow he had just plowed and they laughed, because his friend calls every month or so he somewhat remembers him. Not easy to see this brain robbing disease take my dear sweet wonderful husband from me and his ability to do almost anything for himself, but what hurts even more is when others already think he/we are dead. ❤️
You make a weekly call to them to say hello and ask what's going on in their lives.
I understand completely how all consuming it is caring for someone with dementia. What are you doing for yourself? If you haven’t already, I suggest finding a dementia support group. I joined one here in Arizona where we have an excellent Alzheimer’s research center and it was tremendous help. I convinced my mother to join one and she also found solace there,
You will find support and guidance and a place to blow off frustrations. Most are online now so you don’t even to leave the house, though I suggest you do, even if only to go to the grocery store alone.
Reach out to your granddaughter when you are are feeling better. She is likely to find it very upsetting the her grandfather doesn’t know who she is. I know the shock I felt when my father asked me my name and where I was from. It’s not a conversation anyone looks forward to.
You will develop great compassion for others in a support group, and in turn, compassion for yourself. We all struggle with angry feelings as this terrible disease takes our loved ones away. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. We understand. Don’t let your resentment push others away.
do you ever call or text her just to ask how SHE is doing? My hunch is probably not, it may have something to do with why she didn’t text him out of being uncomfortable with you, if your usually this hostile and indifferent to her life, feelings, what’s going on in her life.
I have a close friend who is 82 y.o. She lives alone. Her son and grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren live in other states. This is how she keeps in touch with them.
My friend learned how to text and send pictures. She regularly texts her son and adult grandchildren just to share a joke, ask how they are, or tell them some interesting thing her cats did, or things going with her. She is interested in their lives and what they do, and she asks them. Today, she sends me some texts wishing me a happy Valentines Day. I bet she did the same for her son/DIL, and her grandchildren. In return, her son/DIL/grand kids call and text her regularly, send pictures of great grandkids doing funny things. They have a good relationship.
I have 2 teenage daughters. Weekly, I tell them to send a text to their grandmother, my husband's mom, just to say hi and share something interesting they did last week. I am hoping they will keep it up and make it a habit to stay in touch with their grandma as they grow older.
About your husband's birthday, do you know if your 26 y.o granddaughter knows when her grandpa's bday is? My daughters don't know their grandparents' bdays. I, myself, don't know my grandparents' bdays. I am not sure many people know or remember their grandparents' bdays. Do you remember your grandparents' bdays?
About your text to your granddaughter, I think it is a harsh and guilt-tripping. Perhaps, she has many things going on in her life right now. If she is dealing with her own problems, receiving such a text from you certainly will not make her want to reply. She probably thinks to herself: "I have enough problems to deal with, and now this?"
I recommend you text her back and tell her you take back your earlier text, and that you didn't mean to be harsh. Tell her you miss her and ask how she is doing. If she's a nice decent person, she will return the gesture.
Good luck.
Relationships, like the phone calls, are two-way. The best ones have shared experiences and ideas. Those that are not so good are the me me me one-sided ones. This isn't to say that you didn't have a good relationship before, but as others noted, your text was more of a me one-sided text. Perhaps she doesn't know how to respond. Perhaps she is very busy (a quick text back wouldn't hurt though.) Perhaps she felt hurt by what you said.
For my kids, the grandparents were very different. My former MIL was rather domineering and demanding. When the kids were older, doing their own things, she was angry that they didn't spend more time with her. She threatened to write them out of her will! That's not the way to nurture a relationship! My mother would've loved to see more of the kids, but again, they are young adults, spreading their wings and hanging with friends. When I would arrange something, they would come along. My mother didn't wallow in self-pity because they didn't call or come to visit other tines. If they did, she would be happy about it. If not, she had a life of her own and did her "thing."
None of what's been said by me or others takes anything away from the difficult time you've had and continue to have, caring first for your mother and now for your husband. I'm sure this has made you incredibly lonely, as it ties up so much time caring for someone with dementia. Care-givers tend to lose touch with others, partly because there just doesn't seem to be time and partly because others might be uncomfortable with the situation. While it's nice to have family call and check in, understand not everyone can handle dementia or how it changes a person they knew before. My OB isn't local. The last time he was here (almost 3 yrs ago) to help clearing out the condo, we made one visit together and I sent him there for another alone. He REFUSED to go back again after that, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." She was SO ecstatic to see him when we showed up that first time. Sure, she repeats a lot, she's hard of hearing, she's living life about 40 years ago. Sure, it's not easy, but he only had to BE there and wing it. She adored him and it stinks that he, her first born son, couldn't muster up enough care to spend 10-30 minutes with her a few times. That was almost 3 years ago. No phone due to the hearing issue, so this was his last chance to be with her, esp while she was still coherent.
Whatever your relationship was before, I suggest getting a nice granddaughter card, and include a nice handwritten note in it.
Make a fresh start. Apologize for seeming to be abrupt and/or pitiful. Explain you were just having a tough day and didn't think before sending the text. Nothing else about you or what is going on in your life.
The rest of your note should be all about her. Ask how she is doing. Ask about her job, her friends, boyfriends, her life in general. Tell her how much you both care about her and how much you miss her. Tell her you hope that she is doing well and enjoying life. Ask if there's anything she needs help with. You could also ask her to stay in touch, maybe give a quick call when she has a minute, so that you can hear her sweet voice.
Final thought - see response to this comment
When you do discuss, keep it brief, just enough that she can understand where he's at. As others noted, she may not know a lot about dementia or what it takes to care for someone who has this awful affliction. I knew nothing until I figured out my mother was in the early stages and had a LOT of learning to do! I was well beyond 26!
You call them...see if they know how to talk. Hugs 🤗
I hire and work with millennials from all over the globe. Articulate, hard working, good in teams, respectful of other cultures and GENERATIONS and yes they know how to use the phone (and email and web conferences and text)
Frankly I am annoyed by the “greatest generation” or baby boomers in my life who expect it to be all about them all the time. Expect calls and visits and being hosted but do not reciprocate. They love to get huffy at every perceived slight but do not think we who still work full time and have kids etc might just have a full plate.
do you even call to find out what your granddaughter has going on in her life? My wonderful stepmom, in her 80’s initiates calls and everyone enjoys her calls. As she says “I am retired, I have time to make calls”
made pies with you or not!!!
you have good reason to be disappointed!!!! And where are her parents .
My girls had 2 grandmoms. My Mom lived in the same town so of course they were close. The other moved to Fla a 1000 miles away. My girls saw her maybe every two years. Once they were old enough to stay home alone, they wouldn't travel that far. When MIL visited, she was put out because the girls didn't make over her. They didn't know her. Maybe because she just sent Bday and Christmas cards with a check in it. Never a call, never a package surprise.
Adults have to keep a relationship going when grands are small. I have two grandnieces, 2 and 4. One 8 hrs away the other 12 hrs. I send cards and little pkgs to them so they know who am.
Like many people your granddaughter has her life. Maybe a job, husband kids. In some instances they don't keep in touch with their parents. Is this OK, in my opinion no we are losing that "family" thing. But seems that is not the way the world is now. People go away to college. Move out of state.
I see no problem in texting. I love it because if the person doesn't have time to talk, they text back when they do. You could have just started by saying "thinking about you, how are things going". This could have started a conversation that you could have said "granddad would love a phone call when u have time. Doesn't have to be long just a Hi."
I hope you’ll try reaching out to your granddaughter again and let us know how it turns out. I know I can be a bit of an accidental guilt-tripper myself so I am cheering you on! 😊
My kids are 22, 24, 35, between them due to remarriages, they had 5 grandmothers. One lived in the UK and they only met her a few times in their lives. She past away last last year.
One always made my 24 year old son's favourite dessert and my dd's special hot cocoa every time they visited. Due to age and infirmity we have not seen her in 6 years. She lives overseas and used to spend 1/2 the year here. My son has learnt to make Pavlova just like Granny Paddy and my DD cherishes her hot cocoa mug.
One took them to be beach everyday in the summer, but had few toys in her house. She is far to busy to wait for a phone call. But my brother's kids are much younger and live 5 hours away, she does not have an relationship with them due to the distance. I keep encouraging her to call them, but she would rather do something with them.
One was fantastic with the kids, but due to infirmity and living in the US, the kids rarely saw her, she passed last October.
The last one was fantastic with the kids when they were little, but soon became the person who complained endlessly. She would whine that nobody called her, but would never pick up the phone. She was jealous of all the other grandmothers and showed it. It was not an attractive trait.
My middle son was avoiding contact with his fun granny, because he was worried grumpy granny woudl find out and complain. It was a vicious circle. Now that grumpy granny is in a nursing home, he no longer has to worry about that.
Did you ever consider that your granddaughter may ask her mom about you and your husband?
Of course you would prefer to have her ask you directly. She may be struggling with her own emotions. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care.
At her age she may not even understand exactly what ALZ is.
Maybe she is sensitive and it hurts her deeply.
Let me give you an example. My neighbor next door has three kids. The oldest daughter was always very sensitive.
When her grandfather was dying, her mom asked her if she would like to see him in the hospital. She was a teenager. She loved her grandfather a great deal.
Do you know what she told her mom? She said, “No, mom. I don’t want to see grandpa dying.
I want to remember him as the grandfather who was smiling and happy.”
Her mom did not make her go see her grandpa.
The other kids wanted to go and they did.
So please don’t judge her. You don’t know how she really feels.
One of the things I tell myself is that I've lived a lot longer than my kids, and I have a lot more experience with my mother's dementia than they do. I keep them updated on her condition, but they know about 5% of what her day-to-day life is like. I don't expect them to know what dementia is like, or what bedsores or a septic leg wound are. I'm sure they think she's probably doing OK when I don't give them an update. On the other hand, they all rejoiced this morning when I texted them a photo of their grandmother eating her first real meal since mid-December.
I also remember being 27 and it never occurring to me to call my grandmother. She wasn't a "huggy" grandmother -- she was a crank old bat who earned her cranky status after a very difficult life. However, I only saw her at Christmas and Thanksgiving, because we didn't have a grandmother/grandchild-type of relationship. She was my dad's mother, and she was "difficult."
Nonetheless, I have regrets about not trying harder to connect with her. I am now very active in genealogy work, and my grandmother's side of the family has a lot of mysteries I can't solve, including a father who abandoned her and her siblings and changed his name to evade the law. (Her brother did the same.) I found her will in which she requested an autopsy if she didn't die of extreme old age, because she had enemies and was sure she'd be bumped off. (She was a licensed private detective, too.) How I wish I'd gotten some of that information from her own mouth!
Being passive-aggressive to your granddaughter is not useful. Seek out ways to connect with her. I suggest family history as an excellent way to link your life with hers. She is not going to be a good person to jolly along your husband in his journey through Alzheimer's, but she can be there as a cherished family member who shares your family history. Invite her to be by your side as family, and don't guilt her as a finger-wagging granny admonishing a child.
I understand your frustration and your difficulties with your husband. That's because I have also walked that road. Your granddaughter has not, so don't give her such a hard time. Be positive and welcoming, show interest in HER life and activities, too, and that's how you'll make better connections.
I am also doing my husband’s. I’ve gone back to 14 generations. It’s amazing to see the branches of our family tree.
I am not trying to hurt or belittle you. I promise you, I am not. Facetious, maybe but only to prove a point.
Call your granddaughter. My grandparents looked forward to my calls and visits. I looked forward to hearing from them.
I was close to them growing up. I adored them. After I grew up, I remained close. My brothers did not.
Grandma was grateful for my love and was hurt that my brothers didn’t stay close but she never said a word to them. I am a lot like my grandma. If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, I don’t want it.
After grandpa died I stayed especially close to grandma. She missed him terribly. So did I.
I called her often. She called me. I visited her and had her over for dinner often.
Why don’t you buy pretty little cards? You can get them very inexpensively at the dollar stores. Send a few warm notes. Open a friendly dialogue. It’s worth a try!
Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she’s experiencing frustration of her own.
Maybe she’s simply a private person.
We don’t know her so therefore we really can’t say.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I am so sorry that your husband feels left out and he does deserve attention. It’s obvious that you love him. Don’t underestimate how much your love means to him.
Take care.
One was a cuddly, snuggly 'warm' grandma who always had coookies and ice cream and had us over for sleepovers and games until we were in our teens! She babysat MY kids and I never thought about it but she was in her 80's at the time!
My other grandma was ALWAYS up for an adventure. She'd take the 'fun bus' out to Wendover to gamble clear into her 90's. (We live in Utah-no gambling!) Drove my mother nuts. She was up for anything at any time!
She had a pool at her condo and my kids loved going to swim and then have a BBQ. She loved them and they KNEW it.
They both remembered birthdays and we remembered theirs. I'd call or visit every week. Did I call my mom and visit her? Nope. Did she call me? Nope, never. (still doesn't)
Who do my kids have the fondest memories of? Their GG's, not their grandmothers. In fact, neither of the grandmothers have ever even SEEN the last 2 great grand kids. They simply don't care.
And yes, they'll try to run the 'guilt' things past us, but my kids are all grown up and have no memories of their grandmas and see no need to reach out now. My mom sees me once in blue moon and spends the entire time asking about all the other family members. My family and I are yesterday's news.
You really get back what you put out. When I have grandkids over and their parents come to get them and the kids are telling their folks to 'go away and come back later' I know I've done something right.
Loved reading your post.
I used to hound my children to call their grandmother all the time, until I realized it was affecting MY relationship with THEM! Now I don't ask them anymore; they call when & if THEY want to. I should mention that my mother is a woman who's full of self pity and complaints 24/7, a woman I myself dread calling & visiting, so why my children would look forward to it is beyond me. More of an 'obligation' than anything, in reality, let's face it. Plus, now that she has moderately advanced dementia, it doesn't really matter if they call or visit b/c she won't remember anyway, then complain they 'never call or visit'........same old story.
Aren't I asking them to call & visit her more for MY sake than for HER sake? Sometimes I wonder, truthfully. While I'd like to keep my mother happy, nothing really DOES keep her happy anyway, so what's the point?
On the other hand, my children used to LOVE to call & visit with their grandfather and did so frequently, of their own choice. Nobody had to hound or pester them to do so. If, of course, their grandmother was around to micro-manage things, they weren't prone to stay as long.
The moral of the story is this: you can't force a person to WANT to do anything. They themselves have to want to.
You ought to think about sending loving texts to your granddaughter instead of guilt-laden ones. As a result, she may WANT to respond.