How do we balance senior mom's bad eating habits against what we feed our kids?

You don’t say how old your kids are. Are they old enough to understand “Grandma doesn’t eat the right food to be healthy.” You can explain grandma’s poor choices to your kids without making it a college course in nutrition. Grandma can eat her meals earlier so the kids aren’t witness to her indulgences and keep her snacking in the kitchen and not as she travels through your home. Give Mom something to occupy her while you eat. If your kids are young, tell them they will eat what you and their dad prepare. Period. Grandma can have a locked cupboard so the kids won’t help themselves when Mom’s back is turned. If you make a big deal out of Grandma’s food choices, your kids will find that junk she eats oh-so much more fascinating. I would also speak with her aide about those choices. Encourage her to use some bait and switch with Mom. “Would you like the chips or the cookies? The ice cream or the cake?” I’d also address the idea of mom’s dirty underwear all over her room as well. Doesn’t the aide take care of disposal? If Mom’s not concerned about that, her hygiene may be lacking as well and she could spread germs to whatever she touches.

I keep trying to answer your question more politely but the answer keeps coming up the same. Get your mother out of your house.
She’s not going to compromise. She wouldn’t do it for her own children. She’s not going to do it for yours.
OMG. I just looked at your profile and said to myself. This is Scouts mother we are talking about!
I know you have her on a waiting list already. You may need to move her into interim housing before you get the room you are waiting on. She can take the “ aide”  with her.

Scout, one thing we need to remember that as we age we tend to lose our sense of taste to a point where we can only taste sugary food items.

I remember not that long ago getting my parent's [in their 90's] groceries, and Mom had on the list pie, cake, muffins, fudge ice cream, Little Debbie treats, Hostess treats, etc. And I noticed that my parents didn't eat as much as they did a decade ago because at their age they weren't as active. I even find my self wanting just frozen Mac & Cheese for dinner than a regular large meal.

If the children understand good nutrition, then I wouldn't worry about them getting into Grandma's junk food. Being your Mom is 90 years old, if she wants ice cream for breakfast, ask her if she wants one or two scoops. Too many times I read on the forums here where some adult children cannot get their parent to eat anything.

Get some good articles on the hazards of diabetes and make sure they read the articles.

Thanks for all your suggestions, everyone. :) Feeding her at a different time. D'uh. Why didn't I think of that. And just to be clear, mom can eat all the junk food she wants. I'm long past the point of trying to encourage healthier eating habits. My kids are under the age of 10 so they understand the challenges with grandma to a certain extent. But they're little. So we keep our explanations brief and don't get into too many details. It's not that I never allow them a sweet treat. But certainly not just before or in place of dinner time - or at breakfast, for example. So yeah, the questions are coming in from their shocked little faces as they see grandma navigating through the kitchen completely differently than how they've been taught. We had a conversation last night as I tucked them in and I think they understand better now. But yes, feeding mom at a different time is a genius and easy to implement idea. I think that'll make a big difference so thank you! (And yes, mom is on a waiting list for a facility)

Your house, your kitchen, it's up to you.

I have to say, if it were my home - as it was - shared with my mother (so her home too) - and I were in charge of getting the family meal on the table, there would be one meal which you eat or you don't eat, and if you prefer not to then fine. But I ain't cooking twice.

The thing is. I get you about not making a person who's got to advanced age on a terrible diet suddenly discover the joys of wholesome eating. Sure. But... your mother enjoys the advantage of having a family that wants to include her. It's not entirely unreasonable to expect her too to make *certain* concessions to being part of that family. Like, for example, having her treats after meals, rather than for meals.

Was she always like this? When you invited her round long before she was living with you, did she expect to be catered for separately then?

If your brother moved in and he drank beer frequently and the kids wanted beer because he had it, would that be a challenge? If you drink wine with dinner and they say they want to have wine, too, is that a challenge? In our house it was understood that adults and kids sometimes had different needs and rules.

And sometimes people who are very sick have/need special privileges.

It is your job to help your children grow up healthy. Grandma is already grown up, is not healthy, and it is not your job to supervise her food.

I see lots of teaching opportunities here.

And, BTW, if Mom does have dementia, then it isn't really reasonable to expect her to make concessions, especially on life-long habits.

Tell your kids if they eat like Grandma, they'll look like Grandma!

My first thought on reading this is: she's 90 and has eaten junk food all her life--why am I eating steamed vegetables instead of Little Debbie cakes?

Agingmyself, I had the same first thought. 90 years old and eaten junk food all her life? My mother ate Southern, you know everything fried, Vegetables cooked a long time in either bacon grease or salt pork. She lived to within 3 months of her 95th birthday.

Seriously, it sounds like assisted living or possible by the time there is an opening, memory care. The unsanitary depends etc. show she probably has dementia.

She is in your house. Your rules. Remember when she said that to you. If she doesn't have dimentia, then she can understand the problem with the kids. If she does have it, she won't know the difference after a while. Stop the aide taking her shopping. I know what I'm talking about since my mother would live on peanut butter. I went on a diet of very healthy foods. I made the same meals for my mom. She dropped twenty pounds and her cardiologist was thrilled. Mom is 89. Doesn't matter if your mom is 100, she needs a healthy diet. Cut her off, don't discuss it.

Is there anywhere in the kitchen you can hide her snacks so the kids don't see them. I agree with you as far as letting her have her snacks at her age. And you could explain to your Mom that the reason you want to hide them is so the kids don't eat them all. As far as your kids are concerned, it seems you brought them up to eat the right foods. I don't think they are going to reverse that habit and go crazy eating junk food. Unless they are under 5 where their habits are formulated. I had to change the eating habits of my household because my husband doesn't always like what I cook so I now purchase what he likes, like frozen dinners, mac and cheese, etc. Summer is going to be hard for you especially with your children being around now that school is over but summer activities should keep them busy and grandma can sneak her favorites out of their sight. I use to take my 94 Mom shopping and as she put her junk food into the cart, I would take them out while I pushed the cart and she walked in front. By the time we got to check out she forgot what she had put in and of course, you still have to leave something in the cart so she thinks this is what she purchased.

My mother also had/has terrible eating habits...and bad habits don't go away that easy. But, since she is not mobile I get to some how control the amount of junk food she can get. Also, after posting last week on a similar subject, you all are right, she'll eat what she wants to eat. Now, I won't cook two meals...I'll offer what I cooked, leftovers, or something simple, like a sandwich or bagels...I'm not going too much out of my way. I sigh when I see she downed a whole package of cookies in one day...but I don't argue any more...

I liked the idea of a locked cabinet to keep the kids away from grandma's junk...I'll actually will take a similar idea for my pantry, so that mom's aides can find her food more easily! Get a basket with her name so they know where to look...and probably keep track of what she's eating when we are not there.

I can appreciate this discussion! My mom has always had terrible eating habits and also has dementia. She is in assisted living, with numerous health challenges. Her oral health is terrible. She lives on ensure and yogurt and refuses to eat balanced meals and I'm sure has trouble chewing. When we were small, we knew where to find her stash of bags of candy in her closet. I actually had never seen fresh broccoli or tasted romaine until I went away to college.
I don't have small children around now, but if I did, I would be sure to point out the link to poor nutrition and dementia. How limiting carbs and added sugar, and eating lots of fresh vegetables and leafy greens, which isn't that hard, may have actually prevented mom from ending up like this, and might prevent lots of other inflammatory conditions. And yes, any good articles that you find are worth sharing.

Love the Mac 'n Cheese references! Our mother did make "good" meals, and continued to even after dad passed away. However when dementia started up, in the early stages she seemed to be okay, but clearly following her old cooking habits became an issue. She started buying frozen dinners (Mac 'n Cheese was ALWAYS in the cart!) and "ready to eat" stuff. I could see the frozen dinners, but she was still buying fresh fruit, veggies and chicken or other meat - so it was not clear at that time that she wasn't actually using them. When I found dried up veggies in the fridge and tons of chicken, some with unknown dates, some freezer burned, I had to clear it out and on one shopping trip stop her from buying MORE chicken as there were some recent ones still in there. I did try making up meals and freezing them for her (better than the crap-in-a-box) but being that she was a 3 hour round trip, and only had the fridge freezer, I could not keep up. I had to throw in the towel (mostly - still tried to provide some homemade frozen meals) and buy frozen dinners - she would always light up when she would see the Mac 'n Cheese, even the ones I made!

She is in MC now, so she gets healthier meals, however many have their bad habits still - the "Banjos" are a big item there (chocolate covered ice cream bar - when I eat with her she's constantly trying to get me to take one while she's eating hers!)  Despite having better meals, she really refuses to get some exercise (I encourage walking, esp after meals with some of the other ladies, to no avail) - so, she gained 20 lbs in a year... clothes no longer fit, and bringing in the size L isn't going too well - oh I usually wear a M.... not any more mom... :-0

As for Scout - yup, keep grammy's food supply off-limits, have her eat the crap out of sight if possible and keep reinforcing with the kids that it is better to eat healthy (as you indicate, some snacks periodically are okay, but not as a steady diet!) If nothing else, they see her "behavior" and some is likely due to her poor choices in nutrition!

There are so many health issues that arise from eating crap that you can point to, even if they are under 10 (heart, diabetes, weight issues, etc.) Focus on how eating healthy is best for them to help avoid issues as they grow up and age. You don't want to be like Grandma, do you? ;-)

Best of luck getting her into a place - I have read your other posts and the sooner a space opens up the better for ALL of you!!!

" (As for how she's getting the food, she goes shopping with her aide.) "

That's the problem. You need to stop the source. You need to let the aide know that if she continues buying junk food for your mom, then she will not be able to take your mom shopping. 

You may have to shop for your mom. 

The elderly are often like children. Sometimes, we need to become the parent. 

Give me steamed veggies over Little Debbie cakes anytime!

Scout, you should use your own life to illustrate the point to your kids. You mentioned that you had been severely overweight while growing up. You could describe and, even better, show your childhood pictures so they can see what poor eating habits did then, and what switching to healthy habits has done to change you.

Scout's mother can eat what she likes.

What she can't do is dictate what is stored in Scout's kitchen and what gets cooked for the family's dinner. If she wants to do that, which is her perfect right as an adult, then she will have to do so in her own household and not in her daughter's. As long as she wants to be part of the family, then she will have to make compromises.

The eating a different time occurred to me as well especially since by the sounds of it she doesn't really have dinner with you she just has her dinner at the same time. Actually the fact that she insists on doing this, making her frozen dinner rather than eating what the family has prepared speaks volumes to me about what you can and can't do about it. Many people of her generation in particular wouldn't dream of turning away a meal someone has made for them, whether they like it or not, dementia or not because they feel it is rude and wasteful at their core, my grandmother had a terrible time when she needed a special diet for medical reasons and had to eat something different sometimes as a result, she preferred to just not eat or simply have salad over eating something everyone else wasn't or worse having someone prepare something around her diet separate or not. Obviously your mom doesn't have that instinct. I was also going to suggest maybe making healthier frozen dinners (mac and cheese) either with or without her knowledge both for her health and so your kids could see both the compromise and commitment to health. Sweets could be made healthier too but that both takes a great deal more effort from you and may not be successful by the sounds of it. I applaud your resolve to working with her habits and desires rather than trying to fight or change them and I'm not a proponent of laying down the rules or telling her how it's going to be and expecting her to even remember never mind fall in line. However I also think the eating habits and general habits set in your house are important to respect and maintain so the varied meal times and maybe location even is worth consideration, could she eat in her room or somewhere she is removed from the general family traffic taking it out of your kids orbit? Without banishing her or anything I don't mean like that but if she's used to living alone or likes to eat in front of the TV, maybe has an area of her own to retread to throughout the day if she wants not just meals specifically, a special chair maybe. A separate cabinet in the kitchen to hide items or maybe a mini fridge in her room or in another removed location where her goodies could be stored that her "aid" who takes her shopping for this crap can help keep clean daily. The aid taking more of a role in caring for her health makes sense to me as well, guiding her to better choices or limiting her haul more. Maybe her funds could be cut a bit and not allow for as much junk or "her food" so she is forced to eat other options in the house without being completely deprived of her staples. The other contributor here is that she obviously has a long standing sugar addiction and while it would be misery for a little while there are ways to break this and once done her cravings might not be as bad. This sugar diet though is not uncommon amongst elders, even those that haven't had the habits most of their lives, our sense of smell and then taste often go as we age and I have read it also ties into dementia. As someone else pointed out sometimes sweet is the only thing they can taste and with lessened apatite due to both less activity and again age (& sometimes health) sweets end up the only thing enticing to eat.

It may not apply to your mom given her lifetime affliction with less than healthy eating but sometimes there are medical issues that contribute to a change in eating habits or require a change in habit. It might be worth checking in with her doctor about the lack of nutrition and incontinence to see if there is a connection. Along that line, even if it's stretching the truth a bit, this could be a helpful idea for talking with your kids about it too. Sounds like you just had a good conversation but I imagine it may take ongoing discussions to get them through this transition of eating habit contradiction. The changes in taste, smell and food intake as one ages as well as pointing out the negative results of unhealthy eating habits (including medical issues not just weight) depending on how you want to approach it might be a good opportunity for driving home some cause and affect.

Just getting back to the incontinence issues for a moment though, your husbands point/complaint is not only valid but maybe something to address a bit more if you haven't already. Especially given that she has an aid it seems like there shouldn't be so much of an issue with keeping up with this. There are probably factors I'm not privy to or connecting with from other discussions based on responses here but your family shouldn't have to give in to having urine soaked undergarments and or bedding lying around and even if that and the high sugar content of her diet or lack of good nutrition aren't connected you should be getting as much help as you need to deal with it. No doubt you have seen the recent threads dealing with the incontinence issue and have implemented anything that makes sense to you but do be sure to again consult medical assistance with this if those ideas and the aid aren't dealing with the issue well. I'm guessing your mom's lack of assistance on this is similar to her lack of consideration for meals prepared and enjoyed with the family unfortunately. We all have our less than positive qualities as well as crosses to bear I guess. Hang in there you are obviously an extremely caring and loving daughter with a caring husband and your mom is lucky to have you both in her life.

Have same problem here lol except my mom is 88; She snacks all day which yes everyone says shes entitled at this age to eat as she wants. The problem however is she goes through all the snacks in the house in a very short time and if anyone else in the house is wanting an evening snack etc....They are all gone!! I also fix meals and encourage her to eat those at breakfast lunch and dinner and that would probably cut out all day snacking back and forth. Hand full of chips,,,,bowl of ice cream,,,then a banana haha which is good but then on to something else so then Im running back to store more often then I want. Yes there has to be some answers so we can all live in same house together and respect all eating habits...

Honey11 - not sure if it would work, but perhaps some child-proof locks on the cabinets? If mom is still agile and can open them, then it won't work, but if she isn't nimble enough, it would restrict how much she can take on her own. If she doesn't know how to operate them, make sure she cannot see how it is done when you open it to get some snack for her at appropriate times.

(I had to install these locks in my previous house to keep the CATS out of the cabinets! My kids were already full-grown and moved out before I had to resort to those!)

It seems it would be easier to insist she put her used Depends in a diaper pail in her bathroom every time. Then put a little refrig in her room, with a microwave, with a shelf above for her "goodies." That way she can get her own food (or her caretaker can), and then come out and sit with the family at dinner with a cup of tea or glass of milk and be part of the family conversation.

Gosh, I sure am glad I'm not going to be living with some of you folks! :-)

My DIL is a vegetarian. My son is a very committed carnivore. Talk about a mixed marriage! They almost never eat the same meal (although they often eat together). They each shop and cook for themselves. No major crisis has ensued. The mixed marriage so far has lasted 18 years.

It seems like Mother in this scenario shops for herself and can cook for herself (heat up the mac & cheese). Sounds pretty much like my DIL and son, except for Scout's kids. And that is all Scout asked about. How does she handle the bad example Gramma is setting for her kids? I think there have been several good suggestions for that.

It doesn't sound to me like Mother is insisting or expecting Scout to make separate meals for her, nor is Scout complaining about that.

Scout, my hat's off to you for respecting your mother's differences and trying to accommodate them while setting good examples for your children. Gramma may not be setting good nutrition examples, but you are demonstrating love for someone with special needs!

ha Disgusted! Not a bad idea and yes she wouldnt be able to figure out to open but,,,,,She would be so mad!! LOL I'm thinking seriously about maybe doing her own snack shelf in her sitting room and if she eats all in a day,,,,she will have to wait until next grocery day.

Honey11 (and anyone else who might be able to try this):

how about 2 cabinets - one with enough snacks for the day that is NOT child-proofed, and the other for the remainder, with child-proof locks. Then you supply the needed amount each day in the cabinet she can open... That way she can help herself, but as you say, when the day's supply is gone, you eat what we eat or wait until tomorrow!

Of course if she has dementia, this may not work either... Your idea of a day's supply may not match hers...

When it comes to junk food and kids - I believe major restrictions cause problems. Unless the child has a health issue, please don't get into restricting junk food in any major way. I babysit two sets of "grand" kids (grand-nephews and grand-nieces), children of my two nephews. One set of kids have no major restrictions on "junk" food at their home. The other set of kids live in a house with only "healthy" food options - they can't even have butter-cream icing on birthday cake.

I separate food into "good for you" and "just tastes good" and I teach we eat "good for you" when we're hungry and anything goes when you just want something that tastes good. Until one hour before a meal (when I usually start cooking) there's unlimited fruit, yogurt, ice cream, cheese and crackers or leftovers. If the meal is less than an hour away, I encourage pick one snack to hold you over and then eat a good meal. After meals, the "snack" drawer is open for the afternoon or evening. The snack drawer has chips, fruit gummies, pudding cups, small packs of cookies and little debbie cakes; it also contains applesauce cups, peanuts, peanut butter crackers, cheese crackers, popcorn and fruit cups (peaches/pears/pineapple/mixed). The fridge has yogurt and ice cream, along with grapes, Clementine tangerines, raw veggies and dip. There's candy in containers on the back counters. So there are pure junk snacks and good food choices too.

When the kids get older I also teach comparative choices - a whole bag of popcorn has fewer calories than 1 snack bag of chips or a handful of m&ms. Broccoli, carrots, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes and yogurt based dips are almost "free" good for you foods. That plate of roast beef and broccoli that you love with chocolate milk has fewer calories than chips and a soda - which makes you feel full longer? Beef, broccoli and milk are nutritious choices, chips and soda have no nutritional value.

The kids with few restrictions generally eat sparingly of the junk snacks and in particular of the chips and candy, preferring popcorn, yogurt tubes, ice cream, fruit and raw veggies. They also ask for "good food" when they are hungry. The restricted kids easily eat 3-4 times the amount of junk food that their cousins do even after a good meal. I'm afraid they will carry that pattern into adulthood because they felt deprived during childhood. The kids who know can have junk food later and/or tomorrow eat less junk.

You may be able to control the food choices your kids have in your home during childhood, but as adults they will have complete access to all the fast food and junk choices. I believe you need to have both good and junk food around and teach children to make balanced choices in childhood if you want adults with healthy attitudes about food.

Barring complicated explaining, etc. you could tell the kids that she is on a special diet. That sometimes old people have a need for such foods, different from what the kids need to grow and not get obese.

My husband is a junk food lover. He loves cookies and ice cream. I leave it in 'his' cabinet.
I don't really know how you can strike a happy medium with this.
Perhaps you can just teach your kids that what your mother eats is not healthy?

If she is leaving soiled diapers around her bedroom, then I'd be worried that she is suffering from some dementia as you pointed out.