We are already POA for her and have been added to her accounts but she still has access. When she goes out with her caregiver she spends hundreds of dollars on stuff she doesn’t need. She buys televisions, electronics, furniture, clothing - you name it and it is usually a duplicate of something she already has. For example, she bought a blood pressure monitor even though she already has several. She has no real capacity to manage her finances as she cannot even perform basic math anymore. Mom already lost her house to foreclosure because she wasn’t paying bills which is how we convinced her to give us POA.
She is not a wealthy lady and when she does this she draws her account down to the extent that we are worried we won’t be able to pay for the caregiver each month. There is no telling what unpredicted expenses will hit the account. We told the caregiver to keep an eyes on this and save receipts. She tries to reign mom in but in the end she has doesn’t have the final say.
We established a second account for mom to use as an allowance. More accurately, we moved the bulk of her income to a secondary account so she could not spend all her money in her main account. This worked for a while but she started getting insistent about having access to the other account, too. She claimed we were stealing her money and she called the police who then called a social worker. They told us since she has capacity (as determined by a doctor) we have to give her access to the account so we did.
Now she needs more care and we are not sure we can pay for that if she keeps engaging in retail therapy. Sometimes we worry we can cover what she has already committed to. What options do we have? Do we just let her continue on until the bills pile up again and we have to let the caregiver go? We feel really helpless. We thought having POA would solve this problem but didn’t realize that having POA doesn’t mean we can cut off her access.
If you haven't already consulted one, search for an elder care attorney... some offer first consult appointment at no charge. If you do this communicate privately you are trying to protect her from herself and why. Hopefully the attorney could be prepared to offer solutions in a way that she understands everything suggested is to protect her from strangers and the risks of not doing certain steps... which is all true. An irrevocable trust may be in order and hopefully it is not too late, but maybe not if you still have professionals saying she can make decisions.
So many elderly have been scammed or financially abused by strangers. One example is if she is convinced to marry and then the husband gain full control. Six months after my mother died, my father remarried. Neither had much at all but he had a mobile home and nice lot that was paid for. She decided they should sell his home and move closer to her children. The home was already in a trust before my mother died, with my sister in charge, so he was able to say no. My father finally separated from her, but still felt responsible so he allowed her to stay in the home. When my sister took my father back to check on her and get a few more things the wife called the sheriff and he told her that my father and sister were legal to be on the property. It was so sad because my father never believed in divorce but was forced into one for his sanity and health. She had presented herself to have the same Christian values my father did. While we could not prevent the marriage, financial planning before my mother died helped him preserve some of his financial security after he remarried. The short two years they were married could probably provide enough story lines to keep Jerry Springer on the air forever.
Teach the caregiver to become faint and need to go home immediately before any large purchases are made. Tell the sales person, you all will be back.
Inventory the home to determine if everything purchased is in fact in your Mom's home, in her possession.
Make a report to APS regarding a senior unable to self-care and manage her money to pay her bills. Report that she is being exploited to buy large ticket items. Let APS make their recommendations.
Mom can voluntarily cooperate with a budget. Otherwise, she requires more help than you can personally provide.
1) You can quit.
2) The caregiver can quit.
3) Then APS can show up.
Example:
Mom, I see you bought a new T.V.
Do you want us to come over and hook it up?
Give you access to the home, in detail.
Some caregivers have gone so far as to return items to the store.
What are they going to do, ask where it is after they have forgotten
that they purchased it?
Sorry this is so hard, but imo you need to outsmart Mom, while still protecting her dignity, safety, and rights. If this is impossible, bring in professional help.
Never continue to care for someone who has called the police on you.
You are, and will be, damned if you do, or damned if you don't.
Only with her permission at this time can you act as financial POA over her accounts. When my brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia he ASKED me to take over his bills, his accounts, as POA and as Trustee of his Trust. We set this up together in his attorney's office. He had a small spending account. I gave him a monthly accounting and kept meticulous records for him, and as his trustee/poa we set up all the banking accounts with a bank officer. WITH HIS AGREEMENT.
As Mom is not yet diagnosed as incompetent in her own decision making by two doctors I am afraid you are sunk. I would resign my POA and let her have at it. Since she already lost the bulk of the estate there's no sense fretting what she has left and what she wants to do with it. I would make it clear to her she is on her own now with her finances, and in future is as well.
Now I want to address a few other things that jumped out in your further info. The first is that you signed the caregiver contract as a guarantor rather than as her POA. Always sign as POA because you are right you have made yourself the fall back if she can’t or doesn’t pay. If that was a requirement for some reason find out why and if not maybe you can sign a new contract as POA, especially if the hours are needing to be increased this might be a good opportunity. Also as I’ve been going down this road with my mother too I can tell you that the inability to understand numbers is common and certainly a sign, it will get worse and you should make sure you have DPOA or springing POA now while you still can. It doesn’t have to be presented to Mom as being all about money as suspicion is also a sign and symptom that can get worse, you can focus on the need to make medical decisions as well and what happens if she isn’t able to appoint you anymore and you don’t have the authority to take care of her. POA technically only gives you that authority while she is able to direct you not if she isn’t able to agree. You may live in a state that automatically makes it a DPOA unless specified otherwise and the attorney that took care of that for you saw the writing on the wall and you don’t have to worry about it but if there isn’t a method for you to make decisions for her in the event she is unable you need to get that while someone deems her capable. You care about your mom and want to do everything you can for her so don’t resign as POA, it doesn’t require you to act or be responsible in any way it simply allows it and my understanding is a DPOA doesn’t either it simply allows it if she is unable to make decisions or direct you to act. The only requirement is that you act in her best interest which is what you want to do. Don’t give up your POA sure it up and try including your mother in the needed decisions in a way that makes her see it your way and agree you should do whatever it is. Give her the control to say that’s a good idea rather than feeling like she is loosing the control. She probably is loosing the control and knows it which I know with my mom makes her dig in about having control. Unfortunately that often means letting her try, say using her phone and fail which crushes her and is so hard to watch but while sometimes we can gently talk her through why she needs help when she is in that control mode there often isn’t much more we can do. Safety is the line
she runs out if long term care insurance this fall and will be private pay to the tune of $8,250 a month. Reality may hit then
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