My MIL has early late stage dementia and has become increasingly hostile and verbally aggressive towards hubby and I. She has taken to making false accusations, such as that I abuse our children, i mistreat her, and most recently, that I’m apparently running around cheating on my husband. She is hellbent on “catching me in the act” and has said she’s going to set up cameras, call the police, consult with an attorney to get my children taken from me, etc. it’s starting to really wear on our mental health. She refuses to go to a home and we’re not sure we want to do the legal
route. She has a lot of health issues that are difficult to manage. I’m becoming so sad and depressed because this person, who I suspect has probably never liked me but always tolerated me, is saying the most irrational and untrue things. She loves to “confront” me about things and tell me how she’s going to beat me or kick my *** . It’s difficult to provide care for someone like this, even when you know it’s dementia (mostly). feel like this is also just bullying, pure and simple. She treats me like I’m the maid and gets upset when I’m not jumping through her endless hoops (because I have a family of my own to care for and children of my own to raise).Why do those suffering from dementia make false allegations? And why is it towards the person who is doing a majority of the hands on care?
If she has not been diagnosed it is important that that be done.
If he does not have POA for her that should be done (preferably before the diagnosis but it the attorney does not think she has capacity they will not do POA and your husband would probably have to become her Guardian)
If you are doing all the caregiving BACK off let your husband assume most of the responsibility, this is his mother after all. And if he is resistant to the idea of placing her in Memory Care one way to get him to change his mind will be when he takes over more of the caregiving duties.
Do not respond to any accusations.
If she starts in leave the room.
Wear headphones, earbuds to block out the "noise"
And if she is not living with you now.. let your husband know you do not want her to move in when she needs more care!
Excellent question.
My answer:
It’s only partially due to the dementia. Of course I don’t know your/MIL situation. But let me guess:
It’s 95% her personality (bullying you).
And 5% due to dementia.
Many elderly people who make false accusations are WOMEN.
ANGRY, UNHAPPY, MEAN elderly women who want to take it out on ANOTHER WOMAN (like, against the sweet, helping DIL, or against the sweet, helping daughter).
If you were a man, OP, your MIL wouldn’t treat you that way (even if MIL has dementia).
You’re the victim because you’re sweet and a WOMAN, and younger, and married to her son.
Time to start using "therapeutic fibs". I know this won't be easy, but try agreeing with Mom-in-law on some of the minor accusations and see if she eventually stops saying those things because she is no longer getting a reaction she wanted from you. If she does, then you can go forth agreeing with the more serious accusations.
If she keeps talking about setting up cameras, ask her what kind of cameras does she want, that you will go to the store to get them :) It's all part of using therapeutic fibs.
Try to picture Mom-in-Law as a female Don Rickles. Hopefully it will get to a point where you will wonder what silly things is she going to say next, and try not to bust out laughing.
OP, good luck! We’re in kind of similar situations.
I fall for the trap every time, trying to reason with my mom. I’ve been told to keep it very short, and reply to the accusations:
“That’s not true.”
(no matter how boiling angry I am with the false accusations.)
Don’t reason, don’t try to explain. She wants to argue.
She was you NOT to have peace. She has peace/happiness when you’re tortured.
Opposite goals. You want to be happy. She wants you to be miserable.