First time posting. Hi everyone! I currently work full time and live on the West Coast w/my bf, and my mother lives on the East Coast with my younger sister, who has a family of 4. My mother has multiple chronic conditions (CHF, DM2..), and recently had a major heart attack, thus her care has become more complex, with added new medications, home health nursing care, and more frequent doctor's visits. I am a nurse too, so I have taken up the medical aspect of her care. I have tried my best to coordinate my mother's care, with dr's appointments, with transportation, keep her home health nurses aware of her symptoms, try to keep track of her daily blood sugars and weights and medication regime, and try to make sure she can eat healthy meals, since at this time she doesn't drive.
However, the big problem right now, is that she has always had a strained relationship with my little sister, and this new development has only made it more strained, with the extra care she has been receiving and needing. She is independent with her ADL's, no memory problems, but still, a lot.
Thus I have had to become the mediator and communicator between them both and my sister brings her frustrations with my mother to me (since she has 3 children living in the house with my mother on top of it & her and her husband work full time), and wants immediate solutions, which unfortunately, I cannot give at this particular time.
Any resources that would be helpful for this problem? Or Suggestions? I have seen in research that family meetings may be a good route... Thanks!
The East Coasters comprise mother, sister, sister's husband, three resident children (ages?) and one child away at college or something? Frequent visitor or flown the nest?
Just trying to get a better picture of what sister has on her hands, exactly.
What is your mother's financial situation? She's too young for Medicare. Is she Medicaid-eligible? What is the plan for her going forward (is there one?), because it's obvious that the current situation isn't working,
Are you having your sister do all the hands on work so you have this information? Are you telling your sister what food she has to prepare for mom or have you hired a home chef to prepare these healthy meals?
I just can't imagine how your sister has managed to deal with you and mom. Your mom needs to grow up and get her own home. Your sister needs you to facilitate that, not give her more work so you can be in charge of her medical care. Which is false and I promise you that your sister would disagree that it is very helpful. Your mom is capable of arranging transportation and doctors appointments, she needs to do for herself. She is to young to be sucking the life out of your sister.
Find mom a suitable place to live and tell your sister that you are moving mom. That is the only family meeting that should be called.
Is she a widow? If so she can collect Social Security at the age of 60. Otherwise, its 62. If no money and not on Medicaid, I would have Mom apply for it. She maybe able to get some "in home" help. Medicaid also offers transportation. Your local Office of Aging maybe able to help with resources.
Seems you understand what strain your sister is under just not how to solve the problem. One suggestion is maybe take vacation time to visit and allow sister and family to get away or take Mom away. There are some hotels and resorts opening up. Maybe consider an AL if Mom has the money.
Please have a very frank discussion with your Sister, who has likely wished to broach this subject, but has hesitated because of the difficulty of doing so. Ask her if she feels she can continue with in home care. If you are able to be there to discuss this face to face that would be a great help, but that may not be possible. Long distance care must be difficult enough for you, but in person day to day is, as you will know, something else entirely.
I hope you will update us on how things go and I wish you all every bit of luck. As a nurse you know what CHF means, and now with the heart attack that will likely be worse. I hope for the best for you all.
It's a familiar situation. After 17 years of taking care of my mother, my sister who lives 500 miles away, insisted she would do a better job managing mom's healthcare. She threw in the towel after a week. Your sister has far too much on her plate, with no end in sight, which is a very lonely place to be. My suggestion would be to step back a bit and ask your sister what she wants to do since she is most familiar with mom's situation. Unless you want mom move in with you, tell your sister you will support whatever decision she wants to make in the best interest of BOTH mom and sis. That did not happen in my situation. Although things were much more complex than I can get into here, after mom's death last year, my relationship with my sister has never been the same.
If sis has always had strained relationship, her situation of having mom there round the clock plus her own family has to be tough. If you get along better with mom, ask her to come and stay with you for a while and give sister a break.
If a move is out of the question, and you are the problem solver, maybe it would be helpful to talk with sister about what kind of help she really needs. Maybe it's time for 24 hr care by inhome assistance. Maybe sister would prefer she went to a facility. Perhaps if sis wasn't dealing with mom all day, they could have a less strained relationship. A meeting is a good route to take.