My mil who will hopefully be DX and get appropriate meds on board this week. When we went into this, we decided we would just answer questions, not a big deal and who cares how many times. We want to be as honest as possible. Yet we have been told to avoid traumas with her, which we are finding very difficult.
She fixates on things; we know what her main goal is. She will finally admit the place they are in is very nice, she says the staff is very nice.
Yet she has decided she is fed the same thing every day. We were at a loss on how to prove to her that they are not. Shining light! she had a suggestion, maybe she needed to write it down, cheer. Then we suggested that she take pics of her meals. We noticed the other night; she stated I am not going to take a pic of that. We explained we can find out the dates with the pics and that is the only way we can prove to the owner what she is saying.
She will claim they just plop them in one of their rooms and do nothing with them all day. We have explained the whole house, other than other's rooms are theirs to go where they want. You can go out in the dining room and have meals, you can go use the living area and watch tv out there, you can go out on the patio anytime.
Her husband's headrest on his wheelchair, we have positioned it to fil liking I can't tell you how many times. Mil complains, people mess with it. She thinks anytime he is in his chair his head should be resting on the head rest. Even when Fil asks to be tilted, she will interrupt his answer on if the tilt is good, to tell us that it needs to be tilted further because his head isn't on the headrest. My fil since the stroke has been holding his head up off his pillow and the headrests, mil will shove on his head and tell him to put his head back on the pillow.
She has only met the owner of the home one time. Yet when mil called wanting to complain to the owner about the food, the owner ran over and well mil had no complaints. I reintroduced them just a few days ago so she could see that the owner was there.
The list goes on and on, when one thing is explained away, she goes to a different thing, this new thing she is doing is very distressing.
She is still calling and stating her husband hates hit here and wants to leave. We reacted twice to this and ran out there (thankfully it's very close). I am suspecting a pattern that isn't proven out yet, but it seems to be when we go and visit them then she calls that night. The first time she had worn him down and confused him. FIL just doesn't want his wife upset; it really bothers him. The latest we showed up and within two questions fil said, no it's her not me. As the conversation continued, she put on her sweet voice stating, I have told him, we have to stay here for a while, and we can't go home.
Her whole goal is to get back to the town they lived in. She is convinced the grass is greener every place else than where she is at. Even places around here she has mentioned are definitely not what they want. She wants someplace like an apt, with a kitchen and office. They were not taking very good care of themselves when they were at home. FIL has to have skilled nursing care, which she seems to have problems retaining or understanding his needs.
You could almost make a film of what you are describing and call it "This is Dementia".
There is little you can do about any of this. The prolonging of the subject with asking for proof of these things with pictures, and etc. tends to prolong the circular recyling of the whole thing. Same with trying to "fix" things.
Best answer is almost always "Oh, I am so sorry" when the food is the same every day. "Oh, I am sorry" when there is nothing done. "Oh, I am so sorry" when anything is amiss basically. As to wanting to return home it is "We wish you could as well, but that isn't safe or possible anymore".
It is a matter of little response to these negatives. Trying to "prove" them wrong won't work. Trying to "fix this" won't work. It is simply a matter of "Oh. I am so sorry". And of course, you ARE.
I am so sorry, as well. What will that do to cure anything? Not much. But knocking ourselves out trying to come up with an answer when there sadly and simply IS no answer, doesn't work. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. And there is little to do but grieve it. And it's worth grieving.
I agree MIL has Dementia. And it maybe better for FIL that if this is her diagnosis, she be placed in Memory care. He can visit her. It maybe putting stress on him with her hovering over him that could cause another stroke.
You no longer try to explain or show proof. Your MIL can no longer be reasoned with, her shirt-term memory loss makes it hard for her to remember from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Her comprehension is no more. As Alva says just say your sorry with maybe "I will check that out". But you cannot argue with them. There mind is telling them this is the way it is. You cab't change that.
This is not meant to be a heartless suggestion but one that will help you and husband survive this malarkey. This is a common problem, and as long as you keep running over there, they'll keep disturbing your peace. Don't believe anything she says, and there is no arguing. Just don't. As for being plopped in their room all day, so what? Does she expect to be running marathons, going to the circus, baking cakes? She's old and sick now, and those things aren't going to happen. You can tell her they will if you want, because in this situation, honesty is clearly not the best policy.
And there's always, "Yeah, mom, they plop you there all day, so sorry but I can't do anything about it." Or "Mom, I'm calling the plop fairy as soon as I can, she'll be here to change that tomorrow." Or meet statements with dead silence. These aren't the people they used to be. Treating them as if they are OK is getting nowhere. There are no explanations about everything.
OMG, go have a nice dinner and get these burdens off your minds for a while.
You are wasting your time trying to understand or address this. They all complain about the food, I swear they are handed a outline by other patients as to what they should complain about and food is #1.
Back off on the analyzing, come up with pat answers and let it go, don't answer the phone every time, if there is an emergency the home will call you.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. Good Luck!
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Dont tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.
He does nearly all the communication with his mom.
Please put them in Respite Care (mini vacation for them) and take a vacation to sort out what plan will work for you. Last resort, take them to the ER and tell them your parents are vulnerable and need placement because you are not their care taker.