How do you deal with the embarrassment?

Carry a small
piece of paper In your pocket that says “ please forgive her, she has Alzheimer’s/ dementia” and quietly show it to them when she’s not looking. It works.

Here is one story with momma at a restaurant with my husband and myself. There was a lady setting behind us to the right of momma. She had on a blouse with no sleeves so you can see her tattoos up and down both arms. Her hair was pink and purple. She was not bothering anybody. Eating by herself and enjoying her dinner. Well momma spotted her and could not keep her eyes off of her. Mind you she had to turn around in her seat to look at her. Momma gave her that staring look all through dinner because she looked different. We tried to get mommas attention, talk to her and trying to get her to eat her dinner so we could get out of there. She wouldn't stop looking at her and then she started making loud comments about this lady. My husband was sooo embarrassed but I have been around momma many times with other types of situations. You just never know what she is going to say or do in public. It is getting to the point that going out to dinner is not enjoyable for me and my husband with momma or anywhere for that matter due to her behavior. Another time was when momma w a s in the hospital. I left to go pay my parking fee. Momma asked me if I needed money. I said no. She then told the two nurses in the room that I was extremely rich. Both nurses looked at me like 'weeellll'. I was so embarrassed. I do believe I could of afforded a $2.00 parking fee momma.

It seems I may need to defend my opinion/response.
Between caring for my dad and now my mom, I have almost 20 years experience with ALZ/Lewy Body Dementia. I agree there comes a time when you simply can’t take your loved one out. Mom is compliant and “normal” 98% of them time, but there are occasions where she speaks her mind or has annoying behaviors. We do try to hit “off times” so businesses aren’t as packed with people. “Normal” is relevant. We went to our fav Mexican Restaurant and the table next to us was a family of 6. The dad was doing magic tricks to entertain his children. They were LOUD, Screaming with delight, banging on the table, and carried on the whole meal. Mom was DELIGHTED! She smiled the whole meal. I admit I was annoyed and frazzled by the time we left but mom had the best lunch ever. It’s all in perspective. You should do what’s best for your situation while also having compassion for others and take your loved one wherever and whenever you can. And apologize as you feel necessary depending on the “infraction”. ❤️

anon,

These are the tough times and it sounds like you have your hands full. I looked at your profile and with all that your grandma has going on, I have to wonder why they are still living at home. You would be right to have them placed in care, a skilled nursing facility (SNF). You have to read the writing on the wall and understand that things will only get worse with time and you deserve to live a life of your own, not spend your days caring for elders who can no longer properly function. Time to wave the white flag.

This is not the first post on this or similar topics because aging tends to remove what filters were there and can either amplify or alter a person's behaviors. You're not responsible for the behaviors, but at this point, it sounds like they need to be in a SNF.

I stopped bringing my mom to sit-down restaurants when she took her dentures out in one and calmly wiped them off with a napkin. Thankfully, this was only witnessed by the owner and 2 patrons and I was able to signal my dismay to the patrons and apologize to the owner. The time prior to this, she had failed to put on a pullup and was incontinent in a booth seat. Omg, I was mortified, but I didn't apologize to the 2 rude young college boys seated nearby because they meanly sneered at us. I left a huge tip and got her out of there. That was it for outings; I should have stopped after the first incident, but no, it required two for me to realize that she was enjoying exercising some self-perceived freedom to flaunt social mores.

Barring having them placed, it's time to simply limit social interactions. There is little point to trying to correct these behaviors because either they don't realize, don't care, or they do realize and consider it their right to do as they choose.

Next time they ask to be taken somewhere, explain that you can no longer do this because they have said mean things to people and it makes you feel bad. See how they respond to being told 'no', it will likely be that they'll be miffed over this correction and it's unlikely to alter their tendencies, but it will serve to inform you of their cognitive capacity in social situations.

Find out from any caregivers coming into the home how they are being treated. If your Gparents are increasingly mean, you may have to start limiting your own exposure to this verbal abuse or loss of filters. Whatever you term it, when behaviors are so mortifying that they make you want to dive into that proverbial 'hole and die,' it's time to limit your personal exposure too. Time for SNF placement.

The aging, broken brain is a mystery and aging effects everyone differently. What we do know is that dementia advances and we need to make the personal adjustment to understanding that the loved ones we knew are no longer there in full and we have to let go of expectations.

This forum does help. The mortifying behaviors of the elderly are sprinkled throughout posts and responses, as are the means of coping with these advancing changes in our loved ones. Please begin to shield your heart to keep it from be broken and limit the occasions wherein your elder family members cause you such keen embarrassment. It's no one's fault.

Just a heads-up from a retired RN: Once they are in care, the medical POA should keep an eye on any new medications being given (legally, the MPOA has to be informed and give prior consent) or suggested for your elders. Some care settings will medicate residents when they are mean or combative and this has to be avoided and can be in most situations. I have personally seen an ALZ patient go from dancing in the halls (ah, but she was 'frisky' with male residents and staffing was too low to deal with her) to drooling in a Geri chair with a feeding tube placed within a 10 day period. I reported this place to the state agencies and was scheduled out of a job, but the place was taken from the owner's hands and run by a Lutheran corp. for the safety of the residents.

I wish you the best.

My mother in law was always a good one for telling it like it is. It got worse as she got older. She had a developmentally disabled daughter who also had no filter. One day after a particularly insulting incident I finally stated to MIL, your daughter was born this way and can’t help it, what’s your excuse? Didn’t improve the situation but I enjoyed saying it.

Some folks have made up business-size cards to hand out. The cards say something along the lines of "______ suffers from _______." As a result, she may say or do things that may be perceived as offensive. Thank you for your understanding and patience.

anonymous1582493: My mother uttered the statement "I can say anything I want because I'm old." I repeatedly told her that she couldn't. One time she got me in trouble as the nurses in her two bed hospital room demanded that I hush her from speaking poorly about her roommate. My mother was never prejudiced, but then was. Very embarrassing.

Sometimes it is best to limit the patient 's interactions by limiting where and when they go. It may be kinder to the pt. because a lot of this is driven by anxiety at times , anxiety unrecognized but nevertheless present and, that along with other neurological deficits/ challenges = recipes for disaster . Why put yourself or your ill loved one in the position to begin with? Maybe arrange some other care for pt. such as sending them to ARK or other appropriate daycare for Alz/ Dementia pts. and, you go shopping or whatever you need to do w/ o the added stress?

There's always the chance that dementia pts will actually open car doors while car is moving or become agitated with escalation in car or in store etc and the situation can quickly become unsafe ( for everyone) including the pt.

It may sound uncaring not to take them places, but it is actually helping them to not be put in situations where their words and actions would actually apall them if they could understand what they are doing. Help them maintain their dignity .

Practice self care ( take care of you!)

I work to tune my Mom out most often, bc every other second is a negative-critical-embarrassing comment.
She was in passenger seat of my car & rolled down the window to say "Hi little boy," to a boy standing on the side of his Mom's car. He was shook & didn't respond. My Mom said "mean little boy." He heard. I told her not nice & that obvi he was raised/is being raised to not respond to strangers. She said in my car "I don't care. I can be mean if I want." I said, "OK...hmmmm...interesting."
She lacks social graces. I am on alert & will adjust if she keeps this up. I try to steer the grocery cart around other people/not go down an aisle if people are in it. She loves to comment to everyone, like she is at a social event from yesteryear (when she was even more inappropriate). She started to ask a younger man if he was married and I interrupted her..
Take deep breaths & keep your armor on when you are around her.
*Life is amazing. Upon us to make friends, to keep active, to make adjustments....to be easy on our grown Kids & G-Kids...to work on ourselves. Should be an honor to grow old gracefully & with class.
Obvi if mental or physical illness is present, a diff ball of wax. Ho hum.

I had to stop taking my husband to the stores with me. He would start fights with anyone that he felt was in his way. He wouldn’t move out of anyones way with out yelling or swearing at them. I had to always apologize and tell them what was wrong with him. It is very hard and grows weary on you. I will be praying for you and this whole situation. My God got me through all this and I will be praying God will do the same for you. Take care and be blessed.

The Alzheimer's Association has business size cards which say, Please pardon my companion who has Dementia." A short explanation follows and a longer one on the back with the Alzheimer's Association website listed. You can carry some in your pocket and discreetly hand one to the person you feel needs an explanation. They will be sent to you, no charge if you visit the website.
Good luck.

If my child acted like that, I would never take her out in public; I see no reason to take her when you have alternatives. Walks in the park or around the block. It might be helpful to set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who might come up with a medication that could help her.

I'm guessing your mom is very uncomfortable with new places and strangers; those comments might be ways to make strangers disappear.

apparently, like me (70 and not demented yet) I don't want to even be there, out there. Nothing OUT THERE is a comfort to me. Its loud and busy.
I talk to my self, inside my head (mind talk) 24 hrs a day. I don't even like riding around with you and "the gang". Too loud, too much mental congestion. I feel like a captive audience, to endure your complaints about your life. Sorry, can't help it, been there done that, got the tee shirt, using it to scrub windows. Our filters have disintegrated. The truths we were raised with have been destroyed. Our foundation is crumbling beneath our feet. We see it, you dont. We're tired of pretending..All is well in the world...its not and we DON'T WANT to be out there in Your World. If you don't like what we've got to say, leave us home. We're happier there anyway

My grandmother told one of the staff that her hairdos made her look like a slut. We all just laughed and I think it is part of her personality and endeared her to her caretakers. As for out in public I would just explain that she was nearing 100.

Give it right back. No one would tolerate abusive language from a child, and no one should tolerate it from an elderly person either.
I've been in many situations with clients when they would see someone and remark on how fat they were or some other insult. I would tell them plainly and clearly that no one cares about their opinion and no one wants it. If someone actually does they will ask for it. I would also go on to tell them that if they cannot behave in public that I would not take them out anymore.
I worked for one old lady who always had something to say. One time we went into a restaurant and there was a bi-racial couple having lunch. The guy was black and the woman was white. Well, my client proceeded to start carrying on about it. Then the couple came over to our table and asked what her problem was. My client got all flustered and was acting shocked like she couldn't believe what was happening. Then she insisted we leave immediately. Nope. I told her I wasn't finished eating yet and that we'd leave when I was done so I ordered dessert and coffee.
ALWAYS call out a person's behavior when they're being offensive in public.
Sometimes seniors need to be embarrassed a bit to remind them about basic human respect and appropriateness. If they are so far gone with dementia that they can't understand anymore, they don't belong out in public places other than the doctor's office or an adult day care center. People who work in hospitals and clinics understand about elderly people, their "views", and the no-filter.

Normally I let it sink in because we can't control other people's thoughts. Just focus on what u can control. I know it's not easy at times.Hope it helps out.

If me, I would change the locations of where I took / take a loved one.

* Engaging in this behavior is not okay 'for the public' - you cannot expect them to understand a person has dementia - or that they even understand it. And, most of us in the field do not know how the brain actually works. We manage the behavior as best we can.

If you do not want to feel embarrassed, do not put your loved one in situations where this may occur.

Consider if medication is needed - to deal with the lack of impulse control.

Gena
Touch Matters

Have you tried telling grandma that she is being mean and needs to apologize? Or grandma, that's not nice.

It might work, it might not but, at least the person will see you are dealing with someone having mental difficulty and are addressing their inappropriate words.

I have found most people are understanding.

No need for lengthy explanations. Medical Staff will understand and not take offense. With people in public you might offer a brief apology, like "I am so sorry," but you don't need to elaborate about a Dementia diagnosis. Don't worry so much about how you think your mother's comments make you look. Most people will appreciate that you are being kind and generous enough to deal with your difficult person.

Imho comments made to medical personnel need no explanation or embarrassment. These people know about her dementia and know that such rude comments are part of the disease. That said, I would not expect the general public to be so understanding. If it causes embarrassment I would advise anyone to limit excursions to medical appointments only. That is the easiest way to eliminate those situations. If you still want to take your loved one out then you should expect the worst and decide if you still really want to deal with it. If so then I applaud you for your willingness. For me, I have enough to deal with already with my mom and don't want to ask for more.

i totally agree with Alva. one sentence is all you need to say.

I would say, "I am sorry. My mom suffers from age related dementia". And yes, I would say it in front of her as the one thing she now understands is a full lack of inhibition. People will understand.

Oh that is embarrassing yes. I haven’t looked up those cards that someone suggested but I’m going to because that sounds like a great idea.

I agree with some other person. A gentle answer can turn away wrath. Just keep it short and sweet say I’m very sorry they have dementia and let it go.

guess you could try to avoid people when you’re out that look like the kind of person that they would want to make a comment about.

Occasionally in private I would let the Mrs. know in a polite way I didn’t appreciate it but mostly I just let it go.

Talk to us & keep strength of heart knowing it’s not you who is doing it

I work in Healthcare for a Neurology group. I have patient's caregivers or significant others who have had business type cards made. For example some say..."The person with me has dementia. Please be patient & kind" or "The person with me has dementia please forgive them if they say something inappropriate"

Embarrassment is a personal issue. You and only you can feel embarrassed. Change your outlook and your point of view. If you are afraid of what people think just know you probably never see that person again. And by chance you do it is unlikely they will remember.

My Mom, 94 next month with Dementia does the same thing. Her doctor offices know her condition and over look it. We take her to her favorite restaurants which we have informed them of her Dementia and they “cater” to her because she is really sweet most of the time.

Yesterday DH aunt (96 dementia) asked me the nurse’s name. I told her the name. She thought I said “Obese”. I did not. The nurse knew I did not.
But immediately Aunt chastised me and said “She IS large, but not that fat”. 😳
The nurse just laughed and said thank you. SMH

Dementia is just a horrible disease. I wish there is more federal funding for research and cure.

My mother is famous for these types of comments. She has said things about weight, ethnicity, sexual preference and everything else that is not just embarrassing but I believe to be racist or derogatory.

I know that she doesn't understand but I also know that her comments are based on what she truly thinks. I came to the point where I couldn't explain away her comments and stopped taking her out. I took the decision to stop taking her out. It was too hard for me to try and explain why she said the things she said. Many people won't understand why someone is saying the things they say, even with dementia. She only was saying what she thought to be true, and it was all based on very outdated opinions.

Personally, I have learned to never take her out. There is no amount of explanation I could ever make that would make her comments acceptable. She may be from a different time but that doesn't mean her comments are in any way acceptable.

My Neighbor said to me " how do you deal with your Dad he is so nasty and mean . " I didn't say anything ... Most of the time he is Ok But he will Boss the CNA and she Jokes " ok Boss man " Overall he is Polite except to me . I dont say anything any More except " he is Old " and I leave it at that .