How do you get past the vision of seeing your parent die?

PTSD......A big huge hug to you.

There are some good answers here, grief counseling or a support group is a good idea. When I was doing art therapy, I painted a painting. When I was finished with the painting, I found I had a very visceral reaction to the painting. Rather than avoid the painting and thus the reaction, I put the painting where I would see it when I was home... I let myself have those feelings. After about a week they subsided and I can view the painting without the feelings, just a remembrance of experiencing them. Just an idea. The art therapy really helped. It was not making realistic looking drawings of anything, just putting paint on a canvas, by feel. I was at my father's bedside when he died. My mom and sister were asleep. I was the one on watch. I could tell from the change in sound that he was starting to pass. So I just whispered that I loved him and then he stopped breathing. He'd had bladder cancer and had been in a lot of pain. It's been 7 years and makes me teary now, but I was a bit relieved that his pain was over.

You write well a very similar story to my dad’s last days. I was there for every minute of it and still feel a mix of being honored to have walked with him through it and some awful feelings that I don’t even know how to express. Seeing a beloved parent die simply sucks. Yet it’s a privilege to be there. It does bring death and what’s it’s exactly like much closer. I don’t have good answers, I do know the pain has lessened but not left. I wish you healing and peace

Grief is a very personal and individual process.
No two experiences are the same.
While there is no easy way to grieve, I suggest:
* Surround yourself with beauty (flowers, walks in a garden or forest, park).
* Consider getting into grief counseling.
* EMBRACE the feelings vs 'trying' and 'wanting' to run away from them. It is painful. It hurts. If you need to be medicated to get through these feelings, do so.
- It is hard to be 'with' the feelings of grief. It can be excruciating.
* Running away from how you feel or wanting may intensify the feelings as they 'want to come out' and you are fighting (w yourself) wanting to push them away.

TIME HEALS. Trust that you will feel different through the grieving process.

Surround yourself with healing energy, people, light - while embracing the pain and grief. If you can, tell yourself that by embracing how you feel IS the highest honor you could bestow upon your dad. And, if you cannot do this, let this thought go. You need to do what you can to get through this grief.

Get support from friends, family, professional therapists trained in grief counseling.

I feel your pain and I send you deep condolences.

As is said "the only way out is through" - while this may not bring you any comfort, take a moment at a time. Not a minute, not an hour.
Be aware of and redirect (your awareness of) FUTURE TRIPPING.
Be present with where you are inside. This is how feelings transform, change. It is processing through by being with - In light and love, Gena.

My condolences on the loss of your father.

My father died over 6 years ago & I still remember the sound of his struggled breathing to this day. But, when my mind automatically goes to that memory, I immediately change the course of that thought over to a fond memory of him laughing at my kitchen table over a silly joke he'd told. Or another memory of him running after my son when he was a toddler. Something HAPPY to veer my thoughts away from something terrible. I'm sure he doesn't want to be remembered in the moments of his passing but in all the moments of his joyous life. So that is my suggestion to you: remember your dad in his happy times when your mind wants to remember his last moments.

Also keep in mind that most souls have already passed over to be with God by the time their bodies are taking their last struggled breaths (that WE are witnessing). They're already at perfect peace while we are the ones who are suffering.

Wishing you peace and acceptance as you process this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug.

Adjusting to the reality of a death takes longer than 2 days. Gradually, return to your normal activities. Spend time with other family members or family friends and share the good memories you have.

Some people get quickly swept up with other responsibilities. They do not "forget" their last memories of the loved ones and neither will you. The troubling memories do not leave, but gradually become less frequent and disturbing as other concerns arise.

What things would your father like to be remembered for? When you think of him, let these memories fill your mind to replace the disturbing memories you have now.

I'm sorry for your loss--and you are too freshly traumatized to feel anything but the knee-jerk reaction to losing someone you love.

It passes and is eventually replaced with peace, but you do need to work on that, sometimes.

I was with daddy in the weeks prior to his passing and I had many long, beautiful hours holding his hand, talking (or not), but mostly singing to him. It was Christmas time, I was our church choir leader and I sang some lovely songs for him. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he was quiet. I feel so blessed to have been able to have that experience.

He had actively suffered for so long, watching him pass was a beautiful and VERY spiritual experience. All of us were there and he was surrounded by love. This wonderful man quietly left this world and went into the next. Only my YS who is not 'spiritual' at all fell apart and sobbed uncontrollably. The other 4 of us were tearful, but not beyond control.

We'd already lost my FIL just a few months ahead of this--so it was a year of change.

I would suggest trying to embrace the 'awful' if you experienced any--and then move on. Maybe with therapy if this finds you with too much grief to handle.

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I am even sorrier that you had to witness an ending that is disturbing you very much.

I went through a similar situation when my mom passed. While she didn't complain about being in pain, she told me she didn't feel "right". When we moved her from her recliner into her bedroom, she was in obvious discomfort, even being on morphine. We had to get her a chair to sit down on halfway there, and it's only about 20 feet total.

When she was going through the dying process, things happened to her body that, while being "normal", were very disturbing to watch.

All of this swirled through my head for weeks after. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my first thoughts were these images. The images would pop into my head often. I was to the point where I talked to my husband about going to grief therapy, because I couldn't control the thoughts once they were in the front of my mind.

BUT - then one day, it just stopped. Not the seeing the images in my mind; I don't know that they'll ever really go away completely; but the gut-churning, visceral reaction I was having to them. And they are no longer the only images I can conjure up when I think about mom; I can now picture her in my mind's eye when she was healthy and engaged, and not the shell of a woman she had unfortunately become in the last 18 months of her life.

Unfortunately, the only thing that "cures" this is time. It is still very early days for you; you're going to be dealing with this for a while. and expect it to get worse before it gets better - especially with the holidays coming up. But if it gets unbearable, do not have the slightest hesitation to seek grief counseling to help get you through the grief to the other side, which is peace and acceptance.

(((hugs)))

It is always hard to care for someone at home. It is even harder to care for someone and have them expire under your care and house. It is fresh in your mind at the present. You need to do one thing a day , Maybe your Dad had a favorite shirt etc. Make it into a pillow and keeping going . Maybe loved ones who have the same problem would love one.over time the memories will begin to surface good ones. Rem he knew he was loved and had family who cared.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's going to take time for those painful memories to fade. You have to be strong. Reach out and get grief therapy or speak with a trusted counselor. Everybody handles grief differently. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself and do things that make you feel better.

You had a traumatic last couple of days, which you have had to cope with. Your anxiety sounds a very understandable physical response. Seek out a bereavement counsellor and speak to your doctor. Some support will help you, especially in these early days. Hugs to you xx

My dad died 4 days after I saw him last. I had no idea he was so close. I will never forget being on my knees on the floor in front of him, my hands on his knees. He did not & would not look at me or in my eyes. I was trying to let him know that Mom would be ‘ok’ & ‘I’ve got this’; it’s going to be ok. My Dad (or Mom) never said “I love you”. Maybe it was just a generational thing but I still hurt & may always. Dad died Aug, 2018

So sorry and I empathize with you as I was the only one in my family to be with my father when he died 5 years ago. It was scary, eerie & I was shaking so badly as I had never seen a death before of a human being. I talked about it a lot to family and went to my Christian therapist which helped me to heal, eventually.
However, I still have dreams about Dad’s death but also have a peace about it bcuz I was his sole caregiver & did the best I could in a difficult situation. May you also find peace and know that you were there for your father🙏🏻

My 85 year old mother passed 7 months ago and at first I was mad at myself for not being able to "fix her". I always "fixed" every situation but her falling, getting a brain bleed, and dying was completely out of my hands. The only peace I get is telling myself that Jesus has her now with no pain, no worry, and no dementia. It will get better with time. Your dad is with Jesus now and you will see him again some day.

Avbeuhler: I am so sorry for the loss of your father and send deepest condolences. Please know that there is no time limit on grieving. This is still very fresh in your mind. I hope that you know posters on this forum care. Please come back often for comfort.

Oh dear...I accidentally sent in my answer....
This is for AvB....
The book I recommended is written by Jerusha Hull McCormack....
Sorry I somehow sent this too soon.
I will pray for you in your grief, AvB, as the Lord leads.
May His grace and peace be with your spirit. 💜🕊💜

Dear AvBeuhler....
This is horrible....and grief, shock, hurt, pain, all of it will be your new normal for some time....I strongly suggest you get yourself into a grief support from asap....Hospice usually offers excellent support during bereavement times in our lives.
I was present during the passing of my dear, sweet mother. She was everything to me, and I cannot live without her. And, yet, here I am, almost 4 years later. My reason for still being here in this world is Christ the Lord. If I wasn't saved by Him, I would have ended my miserable life....but, when one repents, turns away, from their sins, and put their 100% trust in Jesus Christ, there is a change, ok.
So, being a Christian I no longer belong to myself...but, I am His. He will call me to Heaven when it's time, according to His schedule, not mine.
But, grief is a Monster!! I immediately signed up at the hospice that helped us, and attended regularly the group grief meetings, until the Plandemic swept in and closed the doors.
Also, I recommend a book that my hospice gave out....its called, A Beginners Guide To Grieving....you know, I'm not sure if that title is accur

Rest in knowing that he didn’t have to suffer for months and years. To watch a parent die in slow motion is unbearable at times. It emotionally rips you apart as your hands are tied—there’s nothing you can do to eliminate their pain. Cherish good memories of him and allow yourself to heal from your loss.

I sympathize. This is still so fresh for you. Give it time and the feelings will pass. You can't expect after so short a time to suddenly feel normal. While it's normal to see someone you love pass away, (it happens every day) it's not something a person can walk away from without a pain left inside you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel something. Give it time.

I thought I'd never get my mom's last days out of my head but eventually it became less and less. Now my brain won't let me go there. Instead I try to replace those sad memories with thanksgiving that she is in a better place where there is no pain.

You'll get there! HUGS

I’m so sorry for your loss; it’s so tough even when our LO’s are on hospice or receiving palliative care. My dad had a similar passing. He took a terrible, very painful fall & his mind & body weren’t talking to each other after it. He lasted almost a week then passed. I was so angry and upset about the fall n his rapid decline, but now, 11 months later, I realize that was his “out.” He left a very broken body and mind that no longer served him. He was made comfortable and fell into a deep sleep for a day before passing. He woke twice when I changed his brief and cried out. He looked at me and mouthed “wha…what?” I told him he was going to be with mama soon and to simply rest. He kind of grinned and went back to sleep. I was there and I believe he knew that. Your dad knew you were there, too. He’s back in full light in his purest essence. Try to see his passing as his heavenly birthday- that can be celebrated b/c he’s perfect once again. The passing is always hardest on those of us left behind. We feel sick, grief, sadness, guilt, regrets, etc. It’s not in our control; we can, however, control our attitude and how we choose to view the situation. Be thankful for the time you had with your dad & remember the great times you shared, the stories you can share and know he’s at peace again. I pray you can be too as time passes. God bless you🙏

Some men and women it does not bother them.

Others, like me, it can take a long time. It is best to cry it out. That is the best healer. Some need a shoulder to cry on, others, like me need to do it in solitude.

This may sound confusing but it is true. When I was a teenager someone close to me died every year for eight years. It is tough.

Why not give it to Jesus. He knows only too well what it feels like to experience a loved one pass on ( Lazarus )

It has been two decades for me, and I still remember, but the HURTING is mostly gone. It is just a slight "sick" feeling inside when I think about it. It is sort of like a PTSD memory recall, where you remember what he looked like and how he sounded and I remember how he put his arm around me. Mine is not as bad as yours, because my memory is of JUST BEFORE he died and was still able to walk. He took me outside his home, put his arm around me, and said, "Karen, it is just not worth living if the pills make me have no taste for food; I hope you understand." I DID NOT understand what he was saying or threatening. So, after he died from not taking his pills, I was SHAKING, realizing THEN what he had been telling me. What would I have done, if I HAD known? FORCE him to stay alive? To this day, the question haunts me. It is worse for my younger brother who was THERE at the time of death. He never got psych help for it and had a mental breakdown. I hope you don't get that far. It may be necessary to join a GRIEF group such as grief share.com or other support group; and, or, see a grief counselor to talk out your feelings. PLEASE don't have an emotional breakdown like my brother did. To this day, he can't work, and has a way of laughing when he talks about anything. He stays in his home daily and doesn't go out. This has been for decades. He does do gardening though.

No one prepares us for these things. But I understand that Falls in the elderly are a sign of the end. Rarely, they make it through, and maybe we hear about those and expect better after a fall, but the statistics are bad for elderly and falls. Sounds like he went quickly (Saturday fall, Tuesday he passed). Maybe when he fell, there was more going on and you didn't know, like a brain problem. Maybe he aspirated at some point. Try not to focus on those last words but on how you were there for him and comforting him in his life all the way to the end. Please forgive yourself for not being able to make everything perfect. He would want that. Maybe he wanted you to know that life was too much by way of "hurt" and "sick" and to allow him to pass is kindness. Each time your think of the negative memory, purposely force yourself to remember positive things about him and your relationship. Remember how you loved him and he you. The healing takes years as we really hurt to lose a parent. How wonderful you did not abandon him in his last breath. That's true love.

Each person is created for life and to occupy a certain amount of time and space in history. He was blessed to have such a long life and people who loved him there to the end. We all pass from life and it almost always comes with some regrets - of things said or done, of things not said or not done, or of how short our times truly area. Nobody dies of "old age" or "natural causes" but because some part(s) of the body have worn out, gotten sick, or hurt too badly... too much for the person to heal from. Let your parent's words remind you that his time to pass had come instead of haunting you as a debit you owe him.

Start focusing on all your loving memories of this man who occupied a big part of your life. Also consider joining a grief group like GriefShare to help you through the process of grieving. All the members is a grief group are either recovering from the death of a loved one or have already come to terms with a loved one's passing. They are your best resources in the time ahead.

I am so sorry for your loss (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing more painful than losing a parent, much less watching it. But it will get a little easier as time goes by and if it doesn’t ease please see a grief therapist to help.
When the images come into your mind replace them with thoughts of a good memory. Take the time to sit and write them down, in detail. This will put them fresh in your mind. If you have a picture associated with that memory paper clip it to your writing.
Remember to dwell in a good memories and that he no longer is in pain and wishes you no pain.
with love and light

God bless you and your father, my condolences. I was just in your shoes this past February 27, 2021 when I lost my mom in front of me. I ended up with changes in my heart for which I am still being followed up by the doctors at the hospital. I think these are the most painful experiences that we will ever experience in our lives, the death of our parents and grandparents. I still cannot get over that. My relationship with my mom and grandmother was extremely close. I know I will not get over it despite what others might say, because they were my parents. An employee at the funeral where I had my mom's wake was telling me that he had lost his father 40 years ago. I said to him " What has time done to you ? " His answer was " Nothing. I feel like he is still standing next to me all the time ". So, I think, just my personal and humble opinion, I think it depends on how close you were to your parents. Sure, some people say it will pass. It gets better. Some will say he is at rest and feeling no pain now. The people who lived the farthest from your father can say this, but you or anyone else who cared for him will feel differently. With my parents, my grandmom and mom, I was doing everything for them. I even cleaned them, and sometimes very frequently, something that not a lot of people would be willing to do even for their parents. Of course it is exhausting because you have to do it 24/7. I did not complain. My parents noticed though and I proved to them many times how much I loved them. Hospitals were offering me help, but my parents did not want anyone in the apartment with them. They only wanted me. I did not clean them intimately. They could still do it slowly by themselves. They were still protecting their privacy. I did everything for them, despite people making mistakes around them in the nursing home with evil intent and then trying to hide as in the case of my grandmother and my mother in the hospital. I did not want to deal with such horrible people. I preferred to do it myself. I was doing everything with all my heart and soul for them for years and years no matter the cost. I did not raise a family because I loved them. I worked, but I was still keeping a very close eye on them like my babies, because they were almost babies. I became more protective of them when I saw and learned the hard way with the loss of my grandmother that in this country not everyone likes old people. They discriminate against them and they protect themselves legally. Disgusting. It happens and they get away with it. Murder sometimes goes unpunished in the health care system in this country and it gets brushed under the rug because a lot of people out there making the decisions for everyone like Gods are corrupt as simple as that. The police looks the other way when you try to bring this up when something bad happens. No one protects our elderly. No one cares, because the majority thinks that they lived their life already so why bother they think. This is why I did not let them go and was always protective of them. I knew their medical charts inside out. Despite all this I could not protect them 100 per cent of the time. I would be asked to leave whenever they had to stay in the hospital and even threatened if I did not despite my parents' cries for me to stay which they never respected. Instead they would inject them with tranquilizers to quiet them down which had harmful effects on them despite my telling them not to do it. They have no respect. Patients' bill of rights? Give me a break. Department of Health? Do not make me laugh. They are all in this together. I will never forget this. The best place to die is at one's home and not with those insensitive people who claim they love working with the sick. In your case it was a blessing that were there with your father till the last minute. This should give you some comfort that you were at least protecting him in those last few minutes. God was with you both.

Takes time at least a couple years to recover . Grief counselor even just once can be very helpful . Be thankful you were able to be with him till the end that is a blessing

I have gone through all this and it sure hurts. The only advice I have is that you should be happy of many good memories and that you shared a special relationship and second, know that any suffering and discomfort are now gone - this soul is at peace. Keep thinking this and time will help heal you. I send prayers to you.

I too was with my mom through all these steps and for her last breathe. It is so hard initially but, as her main caregiver, I was honored to be the one to be there (she was moved to a care facility) for her final moments. I knew that someone was there talking to her and loving her up to that last breathe. (That was a big deal for me as she worsened, that she would die without anyone there.) She had her hand on top of mine as I had mine on her chest, feeling her breathing and irregular heart beats. If I had a scratch or tried to wipe my tears, she would hold my hand and not let me move it. She knew I was there and wanted me to stay RIGHT there.🥰 I will forever be great full and honored to have been the one.
she past away Christmas Day last year and while it still hurts and I miss her, she is in heaven with her Lord and Savior and is while again. I will see her again and all my comfort is in that.
We are in circumstances and places for a reason. We must do our best in them and take away the good and learn from each of these. The times spent with her, the care, the tough decisions, the hard times when she was combative, the times she just wanted to listen to us and see us…all of it comes back to mind. Some things I remember so fondly, other times were so frustrating and painful to see but I can now even laugh at some of those.
Although hard to believe, it will get better and easier. You will find one day that you can talk about something and not cry, you will be able to share memories with enjoyment instead of sorrow.
cry when you need to, talk through what you need to and look forward to better days-they are coming.