My 95-year old father is living in an independent living facility. He LOVES to drive. After a recent bout of intestinal illness and subsequent weakness he fell. He didn't break anything but had very bruised ribs and was in a great deal of pain. I was bringing him groceries and taking him to appointments for about a month. I was hoping this episode would make him realize that it was time to give up the keys. No such luck. Yesterday I received a call from a very kind and patient police officer who pulled him over for running a stop sign. He's currently waiting on new hearing aids and couldn't hear the siren and apparently didn't notice the flashing lights. I was hoping he'd get a ticket but the officer was buying "I'm a cute super senior" and didn't cite him. He did talk to his supervisor who will send a message to the DMV that means my dad will have to be evaluated and take another driving test. Meanwhile, he's free to drive. He needs to be off the road but is insanely independent and STUBBORN! Any suggestions of how to convince him to voluntarily give up driving?
respects the man. If he complains I tell him "Dr. So & So said no you can't drive. ," We recently put the car up for sale so the temperature to there.
You won't ever (?) get a person who's or whose been driving for what 70-80 years to voluntarily give up their license. Why would they? Well, a few younger might knowing they could kill themselves or others ... but most / some people will hang on until the end to keep driving.
It isn't luck. It is the reality of how his brain works. There is no 'reasoning' with your dad about this. It ties into the major fear of aging: LOSING INDEPENDENCE ... and more, 'everyone' wants to keep going as they are accustom too ... although as one ages (even ME ... now at 72), physical and mental changes REQUIRE us to change with those natural aging changes. We must adapt to 'what is' and who we are as we change. The problem is that some people DON'T want to do that ... Well . . . . Really ? Even realizing that someone could be killed won't change some people who are 'stuck' into their fears of losing their independence. I, too, HATE the thought of not being able to drive. but I am aware of it and I am overall aware. Others are not aware and/or wired to 'not care' (for the harm they may cause to themselves or others).
You contact the Police Dept and tell them the situation so they will be on the look out for him 'out there on the streets' -
You can disable the car:
- Change the car key on the ring so it won't work.
- Buy a fake car key.
- Take a part out of the car.
If you have the authority (likely you do not), sell his car. Sure, he'll be mad and that is okay. It is better than killing himself or others, inside the car or on the streets. This is a serious issue. You must take control. I'd start with changing the key and contacting his MD indicating he is legally unable to drive due to health reasons.
Read Teepa Snow's website / webinars about elders driving. She has several as this is a huge concern for all of us.
Gena / Touch Matters
He refused to stop driving, so wife told rehab people about his shortcomings, and they recommended a driving test, but I don't think it was with the county DMV. It was with someone from the same rehab facility in a different county, I think. Anyway, not what you'd usually expect.
He passed the test, who knows how. His scary driving continued. Wife said that the examiner evidently didn't see what she saw when she and spouse were out together. Then husband started drinking from containers in the car while driving. She refused to ride in the car with him, and riding in separate cars went on for 15 months, which was when she had enough money saved to leave him.
There can be all sorts of reasons why a person's driving skills deteriorate. Refusing to believe mom or dad has dementia "enough to keep her from driving" is common. Apparently even those who work with rehabbed patients don't even know when they become too disabled to drive! A friend of mine, age 97 at the time, renewed her driver's license a few years ago, and the DMV didn't even test her vision. I see drivers who shouldn't be driving in my over-55 community. Lots of people complain about them, but nothing is done. Eventually they run into someone else or a building, such as happened four months ago here. Right through the plate-glass window of a store.
Anyone who EVER spots bad driving in ANYONE has the obligation to report it to an agency that will do something - not just their kids, who don't have the heart to just STOP THEM. (Because our sweet Poppy deserves to drive and ruin someone else's life.)
I strongly recommend that people do not lie or trick their elder. It destroys any trust the elder has in you - not only concerning driving but ALL faucets of life. It is a prescription for constant distrust and uncooperation. I stated the reasons I felt my mother should not drive and offered to personally chauffeur her where ever she wanted to go - which I did, often making trips a little more fun with a stop for an ice cream cone or a quick drive by a favorite park or place.
Someone who really has dementia requires different methods BUT over 40% of people 90 or older do NOT have dementia or even significant cognitive decline.
- lack of attention to a basic road sign (and most likely on a road he's traveled often in his routine)
- extreme "stubbornness"
- inability to see or even consider he maybe should not drive (impaired logic, reasoning & judgment functions) even after his recent health issues
- lack of empathy
- statistically higher chance he may have age-related cognitive impairment
My uncle killed his own wife by doing something very similar to what this elder did (and there were victims in the other car as well). She survived cancer twice but not the invisible onset of her husband's dementia. His children were unable to convince him to stop. They should have done everything to stop him from driving once they suspected he was losing ability. There's too much at stake to allow elders who are *showing evidence* of cognitive problems to drive without being scrutinized.
1. His primary care doctor is board certified in geriatric medicine. All of her patients receive a basic cognitive screening, vision, 6 minute walk, hearing, etc. at their annual physical. If the patient shows deficits, they are referred to the appropriate specialist(s) for resolution. She also discussed the effects of aging on driving skill.
2. My husband was referred to audiology for hearing aids, neurology for cognitive impairment, and occupational therapy for a driving assessment.
3. His neurologist told him he cannot drive. However, he subsequently passed his driving assessment which also has a cognitive component.
4. Once a doctor tells a patient they cannot drive, insurance will not cover it if they get into an accident. My husband is very rational so he stopped driving when the neurologist told him he shouldn't .
5. But since he passed his driving assessment, he agreed he would only drive to the supermarket and golf course.
6. When we lived in California where there is mandatory reporting of unsafe driving by healthcare professionals, he was reported to the DMV. He passed.
Before the CA DMV and his healthcare team got involved, his friends, family, and adult children called him out on his poor driving habits for years to no avail. Once the DMV and healthcare professionals got invilved and he stood to permanently lose his license, he became very motivated. He took driving lessons to prepare for the CA DMV road test.
The key is to involve his doctor and if he was in fact reported to the DMV, he will receive a notice for a medical review. It is a buracratic process but fair. You can support him by teaching him how to use ride share, checking out other forms of transportation for seniors, etc.
It took my state about two month to respond to an inquiry for my husband.
There are doctors who diagnose dementia and give a "simulated driving test". It measures their response time and whether they obey signs and lights, etc. after the test the doctor will tell them whether they should be driving based on the results.
You could disable the car (disconnect the battery) or hide the keys until he goes to the BMV. Depending on how aware he is, you could take the car away and tell him it is being repaired. Every time he asks about it just tell him they have ordered parts.
Or disconnect the battery
Subject: Driving your car
Dear
This is to confirm that this morning (Monday, August 29) I gave you your purse, at your request,. It contained your wallet with various identification cards, driver’s license, credit cards, keys for your car and your house, and other miscellaneous items.
I suggest that you do not drive. Keep your license because you can use it for identification but give me your car keys the next time you see me.
You don’t drive as well as you previously did. You put yourself, innocent pedestrians, and other drivers at risk. I know you think you drive better than many other drivers, but when an accident occurs what you think will not help you out of the legal mess in which you find yourself. Your insurance policy will not begin to cover the amount you can be sued for if you are found at fault in an accident. Everything you cherish and have worked for will be at risk, not to mention the regret or remorse you may feel because of the injuries or even deaths you cause.
You have made comments and inferred that “we” (,,,,, and I) are trying to hinder you and are making your life difficult by straightening up, cleaning up, and getting rid of unnecessary clutter in your house. You told me on Sunday that you felt like a burglar has been in your house. I was surprised by the implication, that “things” were missing since you went to the hospital. I told you that if a burglar had gotten in your house, he would have broken a leg trying to find his way around and if you went to court you would be guilty of sloppy housekeeping.
How you choose to live in your own house is up to you, but to take that self-centered attitude on the streets and put others at risk is the height of irresponsibility. Despite appearances to the contrary, you do occasionally demonstrate common sense and concern about others. I suggest that giving me the keys to your car would be a step in that direction.
In closing I want to emphasize that this is not intended to start a debate or create an ongoing discussion about driving. It is intended to encourage you to give me the keys to your car and for you to willingly stop driving in the interest of your self-preservation and the safety of others on the road.
My crystal ball guesses that is next 🔮
Yes it takes more planning. Money too BUT cars cost money to run (fuel, servicing, registration, insurance etc) Alot of money actually.
Yes he may still know HOW to drive, nobody doubts that.. it's as they said below: Reaction time, kids on the road. Heck, I have to watch for wandering old people in my area (so many age care homes).
At 95, with hearing impairment, phoning for a taxi may be hard. Communicating with the driver hard too. Plus safely manourering in & out of the vechicle, ensuring you book a sedan(not a too high SUV). Maybe manouve a cane or walker too.
If not safe, then family (or a support worker) are required for transport. Yep. Old age sucks.
Let's face it. We start of in a pram, learn to ride a little trike, then a two wheel bicycle, ride buses & trains, drive a car, ride taxis, use a wheeler, use a wheelchair. Finanally get wheeled out in a coffin on a trolley into a hearse.
The wheels keep changing as we go.
If he's been an excellent and safe driver, remind of that, too. If he's not as quick as he used to be, it's not his fault. But remind him that if a careless child should run into the street in front of him and be injured (or worse) he'd never never forgive himself.
That will open up the discussion that he should no longer drive .
She is 78 years old and speeded an SUV into a bus shelter that killed three of a young family of four; a second baby died from severe injuries just days afterwards. Very sad. This family was waiting for public transportation to visit the S.F. zoo and never made it. S.F. mayor is addressing safety on our roads.
West Portal victims: 2-year-old baby, parents killed in San Francisco West Portal bus stop crash identified - ABC7 San Francisco (abc7news.com)
The Medical Examiner's office on Tuesday identified the victims as Diego Cardoso de Oliveira, 40, and Matilde Ramos Pinto, 38. Their 1-year-old child, Joaquin Ramos Pinto de Oliveira, was also identified.
INTERACTIVE: Take a look at the ABC7 Neighborhood Safety Tracker
The crash happened Saturday when the woman crashed an SUV into a bus shelter on Ulloa Street.
A 78-year-old woman was arrested for the crash on suspicion of vehicular manslaughter and reckless driving. She has not yet been formally charged.
Please help unsafe drivers stay off the road and use alternative transportation instead.
so when she brings it up i remind her what she said, she denies it, and we argue. she threatens to call the lawyer but never does.
its likely not the best way to deal with it but since the doctor knows she has dementia but never told her, this is what i am doing.
i drive her everywhere which i dont mind doing.
Where are his car keys?
You could hire someone to drive him around a couple of mornings or afternoons a week. That would get him out and provide companionship.
The police don't assess whether someone has dementia. They make decisions based on the actions of that driver at the time they are stopped.
I once reported what I thought was a drunk driver. His vanity plate said "BARF" (a retred doctor). The 911 operator knew who it was immediately and told me it was a very elderly man who they obviously had stopped before.
There's a legal process that takes place from the police's end, but it may differ by state. The senior needs to commit some sort of infraction for the cops to take the senior away and impound the car. If there are enough violations in their record then they have more leverage take it to the next level to restrict their driving, through a judge and/or the DMV.
Methinks you've always deferred to dad, but this is different. Are you afraid he'll get mad at you? Cut you out of the will? Please examine the reason that in your mind, it's not okay for you to demand something that's for his own safety and that of others.
My BIL was killed at age 49 by a drunk driver. BIL left four children and a young wife. Life was never the same for any of us. Needless to say, I have no patience with those who drive impaired or those who allow them to do it when they know it could mean injury or death for people who didn't deserve it.