The most embarrassing question ever! My mom has dementia & we recently moved her & Dad to an independent senior living for extra care & family support a month ago. She has been asking & wanting sexual intimacy with my 82-yr-old Dad. (They haven’t done that in at least 20 yrs according to Dad) He is organically impotent & frustrated my mom is suddenly having desire for him! Apparently they tried & she feels rejected & upset with him because he couldn’t perform. They have been married for 59 yrs… I was thrown off that he even shared this private info with me & told him to try EXTRA kisses, holding hands, & compliments throughout the day. His response was “I think that might get me into more trouble!” Lol! Any suggestions for my Dad? Appreciate the feedback to my awkward question!
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/
As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.
For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.
For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.
I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!
I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???
It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.
There are some things it is nice not to know...
But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.
It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.
https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/living-with-dementia/difficult-situations/sexual-expression.asp
Problem is the sex drive in people with Dementia does increase and Mom probably thinks she is 20 again. I will tell u if she has a problem with dryness not something she may want to do.
It's very common for folks, male & female both, to have a heightened sex drive when dementia comes into the picture. There's nothing 'abnormal' about it except if it becomes an obsession with mom and/or she's demanding dad 'perform'; then you have a problem. If that scenario happens, dad needs to contact mom's neurologist and let him know mom is exhibiting ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior; meds can be prescribed to calm her down a bit. If a man were acting aggressive towards his wife, such a thing would be unacceptable; same goes if a wife is acting aggressive towards her husband. Same rules apply. Even if that's not the scenario now, it COULD be down the road, and it's something dad should be aware of. Ariadnee gave you a good link to the topic in your first response.
Best of luck!
This is more proof to me that human beings are programmed creations at the mercy of their brains defective or not.
I don't get the whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is 80 plus years old. Why the obsession with getting off at that advanced age? As if getting off is some kind of accomplishment.
And as to the dryness question about mom. She has dementia so it's not like lubrication of that area has probably crossed her mind.
Maybe it's time to separate mom and dad from each other in different living arrangements.
I’m startled by the references to lubrication. Dryness is absolutely common as you age, and lubricants are in every supermarket (top shelf next to the condoms) and chemist. I’ve needed them since the menopause! I’d be genuinely surprised if any of us older posters in a functioning relationship DON’T need them.
As for the lubrication I was pointing out that it probably would not occur to a woman with dementia to use a lube before hand. At that stage they have deteriorated to an almost animal like state where they just obey their urges without considering all the mechanics.
What makes this not "normal human sex" if 2 humans are having sex? If one has dementia? You seem to classify dementia patients as some sort of sub human species, based on your heartless comments plastered all over this forum.
Sherry, are you planning to forgive yet another masterpiece of a comment? 🤐
If your dad can no longer perform sexually, I think that he(regardless of moms dementia)should at least try and pleasure her best he can. There's a lot he can be doing without the actual act of intercourse you know. Or does he just not want to as if he can't be pleasured, he doesn't want her to be either?
I understand that most children do not want to know or even think about their parents having sex(or as I like to call it making love)but the romantic in me likes to think that most if not all still do regardless of age.
I am 62 years old and was not able to make love to my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage due to him having a massive stroke. And now that he's gone I look forward to(in a loving relationship)making love for many years to come, and if I'm lucky until I die.
So it's not just people with dementia that enjoy sexual pleasure, but it's us every day Joes(and Josephine's)as well.
I'm hoping your parents can get things figured out, and just enjoy each other best they can.
The dad already is upset about this new fixation by his wife. If it was as easy as him pleasuring her only i am sure he would have taken care of it.
Why is this cool with everyone when a demented person wants unlimited sex but their hallucinations, obsessions, etc are all not cute and fun?
This is not a gift from god it is a curse of a broken brain in this woman's case. So sad that me and Tchamp and a few others can see this.
Your dad sounds like a sweety and your mom a horny old lady, lol Kinda like me and my Mike. I wanted him but because of a glandular problem, there was nothing we could do so we did alot of cuddling watching TV and holding hands and I was quite happy with that. Your mom probably will respond well to that and maybe flowers, perfume or candy the odd time? It never hurts. lmao.
My two cents.
Temper
I think that the important aspect is to continue to hug and kiss the spouse and make them feel loved but their inhibitions are gone. They are sick. It would be inappropriate to pursue this aspect of the relationship.
We're caregivers, who are so often told, "Oh, you need more help, blah, blah, blah..." annnddd.....ya know if even a smidgen of this were followed through and we got the help we so very, very desperatly need, it would be amazing. So, here we are, and I will try to help as best I can, cause it certainly gets crazy in the wilderness of caregiving.
Or maybe start with hand/forearm massage, or foot soak and lotion to feet.
Someone with dementia is touched by care staff to provide care, but the focus is cleanliness and not comfort. Good for you for being able to hear your dad's distress and reach out for suggestions on how to manage this rarely mentioned topic.
Hoping this stage passes quickly.....
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.
I have been married to my husband for over 56 years. We enjoyed an active and satisfying physical relationship for 55 of those years. When my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his constant sexual advances made me ill, I had to distance myself from him physically for me to survive and to continue caring for him. Moving to a separate bedroom from my husband has enabled me to function as a caregiver to my husband.
When I can no longer care for my husband, I am moving him to a Memory Care facility. If he finds a consenting female resident in Memory Care and she and he mutually "comfort" each other, I will be thrilled. But as long as I am cognitively competent, it isn't going to be me.
“Wearing…strap-on harnesses can allow folks with penises who have erectile dysfunction or who have had their prostates removed to have sex with and please their partner in the way they are used to,” explains sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane…”
Whole article from Healthline:
https://www.healthline.com/health/health-sex/finding-harness-dildo-pegging