This is both a question and a vent, but it just happened again and I'm irritated.
(Dad is maybe early dementia but the diagnosis is not clear, lots of health problems, in AL near me. I am POA, healthcare proxy, handle his appointments, finances, shopping, freakouts, major health crises etc. We have a weekly dinner with him at my house or a restaurant, celebrate all holidays, and invite him along when family is in town)
Dad talked to my only sibling that speaks to him and said now that it's spring, he wants to get out more. Her solution? (Since she lives in another state.) I should arrange weekend outings for him to local museums and attractions. She told him this, and he told me.
My husband and I both work full time. We have a teenage daughter. Our weekends are full of her school activities, catching up on work, errands, cleaning, maybe if we are lucky a date night or drinks with friends. Now I'm supposed to arrange a special outing for my Dad who I already see multiple times a week for his appointments, and have dinner with every Weds. I also speak to him daily and do all the doctor calls, pay his bills… but no, now I have to arrange to take him to a museum or something every Saturday because he told my sister he's bored.
I seriously hate this.
I would be very clear with your sister and just say NO. My mother has needed care for a decade and if I had spent as much time with her as my brother expects, I would have not been able to raise my own kids and work to secure my own financial future. Not to mention I would be a miserable person.
If your father is bored, ask your sister to come out more regularly. She could come out and take weekend responsibility.
Is your father capable of understanding when you speak with him? If he is, simply do so.
If you need some help with the POA, do seek it; your Dad's funds pay for this; you could hire a Fiduciary to do, say, all the bills payment and record keeping for taxes and etc.
You need to set your own limits with your Dad. There is simply no one else to do that for you. Tell him that you cannot take him to the Museum, and that you are sorry, but your own family has needs you need to fulfill, and you need some down time of your own.
I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a wonderful man, my brother. My brother had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's and he hated it, but he had to ask me to take over finances for him, bill paying, and etc. It was a JOB and that in a simple estate with a very well organized man. He was in Assisted Living at the other end of the State. I would have loved to be in a position where I could go to a weekly or semi weekly dinner with him, but that wasn't possible. And I would NEVER have left a relationship I treasured to descend into obligation.
I would speak with family first about all you are doing, and about the pressure you are feeling. Start with Dad and see how that goes. Might he have a bad reaction? Sure. But that's life. We cannot live our lives to make others happy at the expense of ourselves and our own nuclear family.
If speaking with Dad, with Sister and Dad if necessary, doesn't work for you, or if Dad is incapable of computing the realities, you may need a few counseling session to get clear in your mind that your own human limitations is nothing to feel guilty about. You may feel grief that you aren't the good fairie complete to the magic wand, but you aren't.
Embrace your limitations. Hold them dear. When you have done that, share them with the family. And stick to your guns. Wishing you the very best.
I didn't yet come up with any solution or advice. But before anything, I wanna give you lots of validation and compassion. You just chose the perfect username! it looks like you're DEFINITELY DOING YOUR BEST! Ten points for that! Your dad is lucky to have such a devoted daughter.
It surely is frustrating and irritating when after doing so, so much for your father [and according from what you wrote, your family doesn't begin to appreciate...] the only "thank you" you get is your sister dumping even more responsibilities on you. It's bizarre.
However, I do wish for your father the best. So I hope people would come up with good advice.
Wishing you lots of luck with tackling this problem. you have my empathy.
Belle
It would be interesting to see if she does! Telling you what to do is very different from her managing it herself, as you both may discover.
Check their "social calendar" and see what activities he might enjoy and encourage him to follow through. Contact the Activities Director and tell them that "dad", Mr. DoingMyBest73 would like to : Go to lunch with the Group on Tuesday, Go Bowling on Wednesday morning and go on the Outing scheduled for Friday afternoon.
I am sure that if he does half the things that he finds interesting that by the weekend he will be exhausted.
Tell Sis that she can also access the Activity Calendar and suggest things for him to do TO him.
If he chooses to follow through great, if not and when they come to get him for the activity he declines that is on him.
Her latest is much like yours - except she has no idea how dangerous her suggestions actually are. She wants us to take him out for dinner and shopping. The man CANNOT transport himself. Just taking him out for a doctor's appointment is an act of God and takes two people and we pray ourselves there and back. His mobility scooter barely fits in even the most generous of restrooms. And he is a fall risk from the moment he moves. We have desperately tried to explain to her what taking him out actually entails and how dangerous it actually is, but she is convinced that he will somehow regain his mobility and be happy again if we can just take him out to dinner....
They just do not understand and because they are far enough away and don't actually partake in the care, they are convinced they are being helpful. All it really does is serve to make us feel inept and like we are not doing the right thing by our loved ones. We were turning to her for help and advice and she was making us feel worse.
So here is my advice. take what you want, discard the rest. You are under no obligation to take their advice. It's like an invitation - you don't have to go. For us, we've stopped engaging her. If she wants to know how he's doing, she can talk to him or us. But we aren't actively engaging her anymore because it always turns into how we should be doing more to take a nearly 90 year old, 300 pound nearly immobile man out of the house as often as possible. No thank you. That's LITERALLY a single step away from an accident. We have to call the fire department if he falls at home already and that's in a controlled environment where we've done everything we can to make it safe.
I was a single comment away the last time from offering her a plane ticket and the spare bedroom to come visit and let HER take him out for dinner and trip to go shopping....
You do enough. More than enough. It drives me crazy when people who need help just keep dumping on those caring for them without a thought of how it impacts EVERYTHING. Let's not make anything easier for the caregivers....
If your sister or someone else offers more suggestions how you might help your father, maybe you can turn that around: "I help Dad a lot, more than you probably realize. With only so many hours in a day, it would helpful if you took the time, like I do, to do what you're suggesting. Dad would absolutely love time with you."
Hey, maybe she can plan her vacation to visit him, take him to a couple doctor appts, some museums, shopping....Maybe you can make that a suggestion to her (if she seriously believes you have the time to do the things she said).
Hugs.
I would not say anything to sister unless she says something to you. If she does, send her a copy of your schedule. Your Dad, he needs to be reminded that you are not his entertainment. Your family and job have priority. The AL has activities available, if he is bored he needs to take advantage of that. If Sister wants to visit and take him somewhere, she can do it. He cannot depend on you. Thats just how it is.
If your dad lives in assisted living, there is absolutely NO reason that you should need to take him anywhere! If he's bored, it's his own fault. He could be saying no to all kinds of things and then, yup, you'll be bored. If he has cognitive issues, that could keep him from fully participating. You could ask the staff if they can try to get him to do more things. He. can refuse but they often try to rally people to come on down to the activities.
Good luck.
Explain very clearly and firmly that you are at the maximum level you are able to offer, whilst still being able to work, run your own affairs and take care of your health. If Dad has additional wants or needs sister is going to need to take that on - research social groups for Dad, source and co ordinate companion carer to do the social stuff with Dad.
You are doing a great job, with so much work which is invisible - finances, shopping, mental planning and juggling. Looking after an elderly parent is running two lives and households concurrently - it’s hard work! Everyone has an opinion about how it should look until they’re doing it themselves. It is VITAL that you don’t have every second of your life swallowed up by care responsibilities if you are to be able to continue and not end up burnt out and unable to run anyone’s life, including your own.
Have a clearing conversation with your sister so you can let your anger out. Anger is a useful emotion, which signals to you that boundaries have been crossed or an injustice has occurred. Listen to it. Explain that it’s a firm NO to her making agreements or suggestions with Dad which involve your time - she is welcome to take his social wants on herself and if she wants to explore or discuss these with you, she should speak to you direct.
Set firm boundaries right now with Dad and Sister, otherwise you will end up no longer willing or able to continue care.
You need self-care time, you need husband/wife/family time - make sure you guard that for yourself - your life and health depend upon it!
It's not your job to entertain him 24/7. I would even back off on the weekly dinners too. You deserve time with your family. Alone.
Dont take on anymore and if he can't do anything on his own then it sounds like with his dementia assisted living is not the right place for him. Don't they have transport that takes them shopping? I see the senior buses at my walmart all the time.
It is so easy for people to arm chair quarterback especially when they are doing nothing themselves.
But how sure are you that her bright idea of trips to museums, art galleries, and other improving venues (all suitably wholesome and educational, I'm sure) included the part about your taking him? Necessarily you?
Doesn't the facility organize any trips out and about for residents, surely? I'd have thought so, and perhaps your sister did too.
Or perhaps she really did open her mouth and put her foot in it; but all the same I'm always wary of what one person tells me another person says.
You do a LOT already. As sp19690 suggested, why not back off on the weekly dinner? In another post, you wrote that he has friends at the AL so he has socialization opportunities, yes? And it's not as if you aren't in contact with him a lot anyway, right?
How many medical appointments do you take him to? How many hours a week do you spend taking care of him?
And how often does your sister visit him, and when she does, how long does she stay?
When my mother was in the NH, she pointed out to me that her roommate's (for the brief period she had one) daughter took her mother out of the NH for outings. Having done the walker in-walker out of the car routine for several years, there was no way I was doing a wheelchair in-wheelchair out of the car routine to take her out of the NH. She paid for transport to medical appointments (I rode along in the transport van).
She also said that my brothers would take her out when they came to visit. Never happened.
When the geriatrician at the NH suggested palliative/comfort care towards the end, one of my brothers panicked and thought a second opinion was needed. Figures that he was the one who visited the least. I told him that if he thought that was necessary, that HE could arrange for that and handle all of it. (Fortunately, the most-helpful brother was visiting at that time and told him that our mother had gone downhill a lot from the last time he'd visited.)
It's so easy for them to try to direct things from afar!
Since dad lives in AL he should have opportunities to get outside. Does he participate in the activities at all?
Suggest your sibling when she comes to visit to plan a very special time for him that includes museums or whatever.
You need to work on easier ways to do his "chores". Groceries can be delivered to AL, Bills can be paid online. AL should have their own in-house physicians & some specialists . Ask if they have a patient portal for communication. Eliminate all those phone calls for appointments.
But if you want to engage:
Years ago, I led a controversial cause, and hostile media training taught me how to cope with reporters’ questions I didn’t want. You have to answer their question briefly, and then bring your answer around to what YOU want to talk about: “Yes, that’s true and we’re addressing that, but the important thing to remember is . . . “ whatever I wanted to get out there.
Acknowledge your dad’s concern, valid or not, then make it about you. “Gosh Dad, I’m sorry you’re bored. We always enjoy seeing you on Wednesdays. When we have dinner this week, we can tell you all about how Little Sally got the lead in the school play, and she’s only a junior!”
Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys. Keep the conversation about your circus.
Good luck!
The other sibling gets off scot-free and doesn't do a damn thing except criticize DoingMyBest who is the POA and handles all the father's business.
Should she also have to entertain him? No. The other sibling who does all of nothing can arrange for and pay a companion to take her father out on weekends.
Your sibling is the one who shot her mouth off and put the idea in his head about getting out more because it's spring.
This sibling can arrange and pay for a companion to take your father to the local museums and attractions on the weekends.
Posts like yours really get my anger up because there are few things in this life that I hate more than being volunteered for something because it's convenient for everyone else. Of course, I haven't been volunteered by anyone in a long time. My response when I see it approaching is two simple words. Just seven letters combined. The first starts with an 'F' and the second starts with a 'Y'. I would strongly encourage you to learn these two words and not to be shy in using them when the conversation starts leading towards you being volunteered.
As for your father, tell him plainly that you will be entertaining him on weekends. No explanation is necessary. Offer to sign him up with your town's senior center. They usually send transportation. Or you'd be more than happy to hire a weekend companion that your sibling will pay for to take him to the local attractions and museums on weekends. Then give him a phone and have him call that sibling who ran her mouth and work out the details.
Stop letting your family walk all over you. You do enough for your father and enough IS enough.
Your dad's AL has daily activities. He needs to take full advantage of those activities. Do they have outdoor space where he can go for a walk and get some sun?
”That is not possible’” is also a complete sentence ( I’ve used that one! )
I'm sure you know this, but hoping it helps to be reminded, Hang in there.