How do you help a parent who is adamant in refusing that anything is wrong?

Call APS to report a vulnerable elder with dementia living alone. She has what's known as anosognosia which is a person's inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis. My mother had the same issue, insisting she was in Memory Care Assisted Living for no good reason.

Has your husband tried to go in person and talk with her, take her to the bank, and show her he’s not on her banking? Any chance she might respond to a very direct conversation with her son? Our family did not deal with dementia, but I did have an uncooperative, stubborn dad who was adamant not to accept help. When we got very direct and forceful in conversation, telling him things had to change and laying out options, he somehow believed we had far more control and power than we did. In truth, we couldn’t make him do anything. But he did, I was placed on his banking (a huge lifesaver) and he hired in home help (which would not have remained sustainable as a plan) If your husband believes this might work, it’s worth trying. If not, you’ll need to report her to APS. That will make it out of your hands as a family unless they involve you. One thing sure, she isn’t safe as is

This is almost impossible to handle long distance.

Moreover, as is sometimes the case, in this particular case, with your MIL likely looking at placement needs, the reverse mortgage can represent a problem. You MIL may NOW fall into a category where if she leaves the home for placement she is almost certainly going to have to sell the home to repay this reverse mortgage almost at once (they are essentially a loan on the home).

Your hubby is POA. It's time for you BOTH likely to make a trip, to get MIL diagnosed (there is no ifs ands and buts about this; it's something she must do). The next step may be an attorney to find out if the option is in home care with the funds from this mortgage, or if sale, repayment of reverse mortgage, and ALF with the funds leftover in profit from the home is the best option.

I wish you the best, but this is something impossible to address long distance imho.

I agree with Alva that going in person is the thing to do.

But here's the thing; even if she does have dementia, you most likely can't force her into care. You are waiting for the illness, accident or fall that puts her in the hospital. Once she's there, you make it clear to discharge that she can no longer live safely at home.

Does your husband have Financial POA or just Medical? If he has financial is it immediate, if so I don't think he needs to be on her acct. His POA should allow him to write checks, as long as he writes POA at the end of his signature. Ask the Bank.

MIL should not be alone. She must be able to "showdown" then APS is around. This means she has the ability to seem normal. You need to get MIL diagnosed. You can go for guardianship. Its expensive but thevonly way, without POA, to have any control.

If mil doesn’t have funds to make the repairs she IS in danger of losing her house. RM are rarely the answer to financial woes. And if any of us thought we were about to lose our homes, we would be upset.

Perhaps your husband could tell his mom he will contact the RM callers IF she will give him permission to. Permission has to be in writing. Otherwise known as a financial POA. She could put both DH and cousin on the POA. Has DH seen a copy of the RM to understand MIL obligations, penalties, timelines if she doesn’t meet them?

What are you wanting to happen? What is it that you feel you could get done if you weren’t busy with your mom? is your DH unable to travel? If you going there is the answer, perhaps you could arrange for a caregiver for your mom or send her to respite?

Are you wanting MIL to go into care?
To receive Medicaid she will need to be medically in need of 24 hr care and be financially impoverished. Have you looked at her states rules on Medicaid?

Her doctor and APS see many elders and apparently they think she is doing okay based on the information they have. I would continue to call them to do their wellness checks.

Perhaps the cousin knows more about the RM and can help DH sort it out for MIL.

Have her son tell her that to fix and take care of the phone calls he needs to have POA and access to the bank account. Tell her once he has access then the phone calls will stop. Tell her what she needs to hear - this is what I did with my daddy. My daddy soon forgot that I had access to everything and I was able to control his finances from then on.

Well, this is where therapeutic lying comes in. I would tell her the bank lost the paperwork, they are very sorry it she must come back and do it again. I would warn the bank about everything and make an appointment so if she goes on a tyrade, hopefully they will understand. It’s imperative to get him joint on the account asap. If she was getting lost in her neighborhood already, she may be further along in dementia than you think. Make sure your husband has visibility to everything. For example, the last year my mom lived at home. I got copies of her bills by photographing them with my phone whenever I could. Maybe you can take her to lunch and give him a chance to look through things and get what he needs. I monitored what my mom did and could see she was losing track of everything but I could step in when necessary to make sure it didn’t cost her.

The most important things if she is to stay at home is whether she remembers to eat and take her meds. Count the pills, Check the trash, etc to see how she’s doing. Has she lost weight? How is her coloring. You also need to know what happens if she takes her medicine more often than she should…will that do harm?

My mom believes there is nothing wrong with her but she was willing to go to rehab to help her balance. She has been in full time care for almost a year but since she has no conception of time any longer, she thinks it has just been a few days to a week. I always tell her she has to stay “at least two more weeks”.

A second answer…maybe your husband can convince his mother that everything she has will be controlled by the court unless she has a will and take her to see an attorney who will draw up all the necessary documents including POA, HIPPA forms, etc and solve the POA matter. The POA doesn’t have to be nearby, just have access to things. I can tell you from experience that the POA doesn’t always help as some entities just refuse to work with you. My mom allowed me to be on her accounts which is far more useful.

I don't know how you can convince her of anything. I would do as suggested below and find out what type of POA your husband has. If it's durable POA he can access her bank accounts with his notarized paperwork, and hire folks to make repairs on the house (as well as make sure other bills are paid). Sadly, she will not be able to continue to live there alone with dementia, and the process of making that change will be very difficult for everyone. I wish you all the best.

Klunderwood61: RMs are sometimes not what they're 'cracked up to be.' APS should be contacted as she is a vulnerable elder.

Make sure to have POAs for medical and financial decision-making. You do not need to be on her bank accounts to take care of those matters - with a financial POA.

As for the rest, sometimes it is easier to make the doctor the "bad guy." Ask for the doctor to tell your loved one that ________ is no longer an option for him/her.

Contact an attorney.
Get medical authorization / confirmation of her health status: "Dementia" - unable to care for herself so you / your husband can legally manage all her accounts.
As is able, move her closer to you and/or have 24/7 caregiver - or as necessary.
Clearly, she shouldn't be living alone or managing alone.

If you do not take action ASAP, it sounds like she may lose her house.
Can you/your husband 'make a trip' to handle these matters? Someone has to, even if you need to hire someone. "Often" attorneys have people that can intervene / help out in these situations, in addition to handling legal needs / documentation.

Gena / Touch Matters

First, Ref the bank. Her POA should physically visit the bank with her so they can assure her of what she did or didn't do and if something else needs to get done, it can be done on the spot. Second, I am now having memory loss; first it was short term loss, now it is more advanced; I am on Aricept, but I know it's is not letting up, memory is going. I'm hanging in there. I experienced some issues with my husband when he had alzheimers; he didn't know me, I was not his wife in our wedding pictures, It was him, but not me, his wife. I lived with that for 3 or more years, "no you are not my wife, you are my friend". He couldn't figure that I was older and my hair turned white. We had been married more than 55 years when he passed. He only knew me with deep dark brown--hair!!!. I learned not to cry, but to chuckle at his insistence it wasn't me in the wedding pictures!!!! A few years ago, I personally went to t he bank to set up my son as the one to take over from me my finances, since I experienced short term memory loss. I didn't want to wait until I did something drastic wrong and made a mess of things. Aricept has helped me a lot, but even that is now going. I'm getting back into the forgetfulness of some daily actions I should take or not take, or go or not go to, etc. I'm not happy about this. I don't want to burden my son, but I want things to be in order for "that day". A few years ago, I was experiencing short term memory loss most of a day, so donated my car, myself, taking it to the place designated for donations, and did not renew my drivers license. Now, I am experiencing more memory loss despite being on Aricept, and need to take more actions to be sure all is in order for when I am no longer to function, or when I pass. Most are already in order. I didn't want to leave him hanging on a limb, which is why I took care of paperwork, have my burial urn, have paperwork to put me in the same grave with my veteran husband when my time is up. And have a contract with a burial company. 99% of people do not do this much for their end of life. I did because I have heard and seen how families have to struggle with their senior family members who left no paperwork. My father for one, died at age 34 of a heart attack. Had no life insurance. My mother begged him to get life insurance. "No I don't need it. I'm going to live a long time," I heard him say that. Died few weeks later of a heart attack. Left her with 5 kids. I was oldest at 16. She made me finish high school, but I had to work after school to help with finances. My dad refused to buy life insurance, as he said he was going to live a long time, he died less than a year later and had no life insurance or burial insurance. We suffered because of his attitude. My mother never worked a day in her life as he wouldn't let her, take care of 5 kids. She had to then work, I worked at 16, my brother worked at 13, and the 11 year old had to babysit our little 2 yr old sister herself. We still ate as a family, but some days 2 of us weren't home for meals. Sunday was family day, we all ate at home, even though I worked Sundays and Saturdays. Life insurance would have paid off the mortgage, as my father refused to buy mortgage insurance in case anything happened to him, a lively 34 year old man, who died at 34. My story should be an example of why insurance is necessary, of why kids have to go to work at 16 to help the family, why mothers have to work. Why younger kids needf a sitter or a nursery school. Where does all the money come from. My mother never worked a day in her life. She ended up working in a factory to feed us and pay the mortgage. I helped with finances, at age 16, paying for all my needs and helping with the others when needed. No college for me until I was 36 yrs old. My brother joining the military at age 17, and a 13 year old having to care for a 2 yr old since we other 2 were already gone, working.

Ooh sounds like she just doesnt like being told what to do as if shes a kid. Try to rephrase what you are telling her. Its so easy to talk to our elderly parents in a child capacity and they are aware. I had the same with my father - and he just rebelled -
Your mother may well be aware that she didnt give her bank access to your husband. She may secretly feel he may abuse it but doesnt want to say. There could be a trust element going on and she needs to know you are looking after her interests. Maybe explain the issues in a different way. Mum - you have a reverse mortgage - that means you need to keep you home in good repair or it could get taken away from you. Its quite serious. Its not a lot but we have to get some repair work done. I will get that arranged for you and show you what ive done, but i need extra authority from you or the bank wont allow me to do it. If you dont do it then xx may start legal proceedings against you. Nowadays we are responsible for the upkeep of our home. Nothing serious that I cant sort out quickly for you.
We just have to look after the place so lets get this sorted and out of the way so we can all relax.... Can you sign this form for me and i will arrange for what needs to be done mum and we wont hear form these people again.