Init2Win Asked May 2021
How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.
Follow
Share
Dates with my husband and family outings have become a memory. I know to keep the rest of my family healthy we need to have the ability to go and do things once in a while. My mother has declined to not being able to do much for herself and I provide the care she needs willingly. When I asked her about having someone else available to help her on the occasion we need to be away for more than a couple of hours she refused and stated that I am just trying to push her off on someone. She has lived with me for 2 1/2 years and in that time I have not left her for more than a few hours. We don't get to celebrate anniversaries or take day trips with our younger daughter anymore and I am made to feel guilty if I try. Help with suggestions.
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
43 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Did you stand up to your mother when you were younger?
- My 2 siblings & I are rotating and taking care of my elderly mom at home. Why does she treat her son much better than her daughters?
- How do you deal with a parent (not the one being cared for) who is abusive, controlling and disrespectful?
- Why does everyone else get the joy and laughter from mom, but my sister and I get the whining and can barely talk?
Ask a Question
So to be.. blunt..
"My Mother is not agreeable to having anyone else help her".
That sums it up & that's OK.
Think about that statement. 'My Mother is not agreeable..' It's OK Mother feels that way. She may be nervous about others, may not trust them (yet) or can't communicate well with them (yet), she trusts YOU. You understand her so it's easier for HER to have only you. But is it reasonable for YOUR life? No Ma'am it is not.
Accepting Mother's feelings are valid but are HERS to own is a big step. Mother's feelings are not instructions for you to follow or to fix the world anyway she wants. Some of us have been trained as if that were the case...
See what suits you..
"Mother, when you make a lot of requests of my time, I feel bossed around. I would rather we enjoyed our time together. So I have arranged some more helpers, to help both of us".
Or from my book of blunt;
"Mother, do you like to be bossed around? No?
I don't either".
I am making the plans for care so that was what my original question was for, "how do you..." I am well aware I can not give my mother the best care she deserves at some point. My suggestions to her are getting her ready for what will happen. She can still do most things herself and lives in her apartment that is built into our house. She can be left alone and I do, but not more than 3 hours unless my oldest daughter is able to be home from work and help. This is only because of medication and food preparation. She and I both know she will need more care as time goes on. When I said she won't take help from others, I meant paid help. We do not live near anyone else she knows and with Covid she hasn't been able to gain a support system of friends by meeting new people. The question I am researching currently is cost of in home care and trying a day trip soon. We have not asked any financial contributions from my mother for staying with us other than her own cable and phone in her apartment. Her income is only a very low ss so she needs what she has to pay for doctor, medication and any future in home care. It is a catch 22 because having the small savings for needs and care has kept her from getting medicaid. I understand her tight fist when it comes to money because we grew up poor and she lived during the depression with 15 siblings. I have requested an appointment with her doctor to discuss help with care again but they have not gotten back to me. Finding a new, better doctor is not impossible but tough in this area. I am researching who will take a 92 yo new patient.
Again, I am thankful for all the comments and I am listening to all of it. If I were not willing to do the hard things, I would not have asked the questions. Just wanted to hear how others have done it if they had similar situations.
In case you do come back, here's my answer your question "How do you keep the rest of the family relationship healthy?"
I keep and protect my marriage and my children from my mother's Alzheimer's disease by moving her out of my home and into her own place. She gets the care she needs from 5 rotating caregivers (me mainly, her sister, 2 paid caregivers, and my brother). Having her in my home and just me taking care of her 24/7 almost destroyed me and my family.
I read (in another thread) that you moved her into your home because of you religious belief that it was the right thing to do. Perhap, that's the best thing and the right thing in your situation. However, it doesn't mean it won't cost you and your family dearly.
Even that wasn’t nearly enough, but it was at least a few small breaks and you seriously need that.
Seek a balance. Help your mother remember you are a mother too.
SIL runs to MIL's house every day for some length of time. (45 min, RT) She has her scheduled for grocery delivery, but then has to go to her house to bring the gorceries IN and put them away. So, she really hasn't solved any problem. Dr calls and visits and daily things all fall on SIL.
SIL doesn't complain much, I personally would have cut this off YEARS ago and MIL would be residing in a lovely ALF, but I'm the dreaded in law who is not allowed in the house, much less make any decisions.
I do know that SIL is beyond exhausted and MIL doesn't even see it. She feels fully justified in this babying b/c her kids' father was so awful (he wasn't) and she's exacting her pound of flesh from his kids. SIL feels so abd that he her parents had a terrible marriage and she's trying to 'fix it'.
DH is way on the outside of this. He dislikes his mother and is struggling to find peace with her before she dies (she's 91, but I think will live to 100 and beyond).
The only thing I know is that the fall that breaks her hip is the fall that will land her in a NH. DH is POA and he will enact that if he has to. It will be ugly and hateful--I'm sorry to be so negative, but there is only one way that will go with her.
(A 'Ha! That's why the self-centred behaviour?)
That guy had burnt through his DIL, son & daughter, then tried the grandchildren then started on nephews & nieces. At no time accepted his own aging or accepted his need to adapt. Hope I don't go like that ☹️
Her money should pay for these services if she has any money. Are you using her money now to help with the expense of her cate? If she does not have enough money, it is worth the expense on your part to arrange the time off.
I think you can’t avoid some sort of ‘bull by the horns’ approach, and perhaps it’s a case of finding the best option. I’d suggest that for some reason it is necessary for you, DH and at least younger daughter to go away for a weekend together. You tell mother that it’s fixed, and these are the options for her care while you are away. She can hire a carer, and this is the phone number (you can phone, but she is the hirer). She can go into respite care (and the ‘respite’ is for the carer, which is often misunderstood), and this is what it will cost. She can stay in a local hotel, and this is what it will cost. If she chooses to stay at home by herself, “please do your best to stay safe, and keep the phone handy for if you need to call 911”.
Of course there will be ructions. She will probably complain to the doctor (and it might help the doctor to get a better idea of her dependence level). Don’t feel guilty if it’s unsafe – it’s your life or hers, and she is old enough to know better. The current situation is certainly unsafe for you, big time.
Ideas for why it’s necessary to go away (not that you really need an excuse): Younger daughter’s school organised this, and it’s compulsory for parents to take their turn in supervising. Or younger daughter won this in a competition she signed up for, and it will break her heart not to do it (this actually happened to me, when my own younger daughter signed up for every competition at a fair, including for a half price funeral! We actually went on the holiday she won).
Ideas for paying for care: work out the care hours you provide, the cost of accommodation, food and it’s preparation, etc etc etc, and bill mother for them at the going rate. You should be doing this anyway, but probably aren’t at the commercial rate. Use the funds to pay for care, at least some starter care. If mother doesn’t like it, you already have your handy list of the options available for her.
At least this is something to think about. I hope that you can take it from there. Yours, Margaret
As I said, your mom needs a new doctor.
I can't understand why a PCP who hears a caregiver talk about loss of skills, depression and anxiety wouldn't make a referral to a geriatrician, a geriatric psychiatrist or a neurologist to do further testing to figure out how to address the issues at hand.
.
I am encouraging you to see yourself as the bus driver and not the passive passenger in this caregiver journey--one who indeed can toss a passenger off the bus for certain levels of misbehavior.
I understand that you are a dutiful daughter, doing what you've been trained to do, but your child and your marriage MUST come first.
Caregiving only works if it works for all the parties involved.
It's a three-way process involving you, the paid worker, and your mother. You will be teaching the worker how your mother likes things done, and you will also be teaching your mother to communicate her key needs to someone who isn't you. As agencies tend to send quite an array of individuals, some of whom she'll take to and some she won't so much, the second part is crucial in making your mother confident that she won't be left helpless in a stranger's hands.
It is always lovely to hear "it's nice to see you" from a client. Less lovely, in fact worrying, is to hear "thank God it's you." At first I found this very disturbing, but now that I know my co-workers better - there is not a single one who does not genuinely care about our clients - I also understand the problem better. I am not doing anything that my co-workers can't do or wouldn't do... if only the client told them what.
So for a while, playing it by ear and seeing how the progress goes, book HCAs to come and assist with your mother's everyday routines. They watch you, then they do it while you watch, then you stay in the house but leave them to it, then you go out for an hour... You get the idea. I won't guess at a timeframe but this is about developing good working relationships with both the agency and the individuals who attend the home. Eventually you should have a small team of people your mother has confidence in and you will finally be able to get proper breaks; and meanwhile at least you'll be able to share the workload.
My Father had to learn this the hard way - but has! 🤩
Mother insisted on him, only him, all day, everyday. Just.not.reaslistic. But alas, with brain changes, she cannot reason that. He, alas, has been trained to please her. But slowly slowly he learnt just what you clearly described. Now.. Mother has her aides, must communicate with them, making a better relationships with them, along with Father's care + he gets some time out = win/win/win.
I have started (baby steps) on DH's side. Oh boy!
SILs are apt to leap up to press a hospital call bell, instead of let MIL to do it. (top of the class in people pleasing & top marks for disabling - unfortunately).
Fear, anxiety & depression are crippling to all who come in contact with it and are forced to endure it every day. You've exposed yourself, your husband and your children to this now that your mother is a fixture inside of your home and nobody has an escape; mother is holding you ALL hostage now!
Until you put your foot down and say ENOUGH, you'll stay trapped in this cycle of your mother's mental health issues. That's a huge price for your family to pay, isn't it?
Wishing you the best of luck making some well deserved changes in all of your family's lives.
I watched my elderly grandma manipulate my mom ( orctry to) with this forcyears.
"My how you've changed".
"You'll be sorry when I'm gone".
(Insert huge sigh here).
Mom learned to say " Then I guess you'll have to go stay with one of the "boys" (one was an alcoholic, living in a Bowery mission on good days, the other lived far away and was married to HER).
Grandma learned to cooperate. So can your mom.
But you need to stop allowing her to play you.
It's YOUR house and YOUR family. Your rules.
Let her pout.
Your mother is an elderly lady who cannot be left alone. She is an elderly lady of limited means. She is an elderly lady who at the very least should see a primary care physician and an opthamologist one a year.
Does she qualify as a single person based on her income ( which I assume is just SS? Have you asked?
Does she pay her share of costs for food and utilities?
Your mother HAS needs and is apparently dictating to you that YOUR wants and needs don't matter.
Has it always been thus?
Eta, just read your update. She needs a new doctor. You can deposit her in respite care. If she won't be reasonable about this, I would tell her she needs to find someplace else to live. Two can play at "unreasonable" as easily as one.
You are placed in the unfortunate position of having “trained” Mama to use you as SHE has chosen to do so.
If you are going to dissolve into guilty acceptance, sorry, but that’s on YOU, NOT ON MAMA. She’s using the only tool she has, and you’ve accepted that 100%.
”Mom, we have to go out for a couple hours because none of our buggy whips are still worth using, and (husband, daughter) and I want to go to the factory and select our buggy whips ourselves. We’re going to be home before supper. You’ll need some company so Mrs. Haverstraw from Church is coming in around 1 pm, before we leave, and SHE’LL help you use the bathroom and have your snack while we’re out”.
Tell Mom your intentions while you serve her lunch, then let her pout (cry, grumble, etc.) get Mrs. Haverstraw in and settled, THEN LEAVE.
REPEAT a couple times a week, then increase length and frequency of outings.
The “rest of your family relationships” are NOT HEALTHY NOW, and CANNOT BE until you come to terms with the fact that Mama won’t die because you leave for an hour walking around Walmart, AND NO ONE CAN MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY UNLESS YOUARE ALLOWING THEM TO DO SO.
Your mother may well have been a wonderful vibrant active engaged woman when she was younger, but age and illness have stolen that from her. That Does not Giver the right to spend ALL OF YOUR LIFE, or the lives of your OTHER LOVED ONES, from you.
Be brave, be confident, enjoy resuming family activities, and be at peace with the knowledge that “guilt” has NEVER done a single positive thing for anyone it has attempted to consume.