Init2Win Asked May 2021
How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.
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Even if she has the tiniest of pensions, she needs to be covering her share of the household costs. There are various ways of computing the amount. You can use 30% of her income, this is often used by low income housing to determine rent. You can take your total housing costs, rent/mortgage interest/property taxes/insurance/heat and divide it by the total number of people living in the house, Do the same with the grocery bill and utilities she consumes.
Have her POA documents been prepared?
It is time for you to have a come to Jesus moment with Mum. No more free ride. No more dictating how you spend your time.
You say you will not spend Mum's money on anything she does not agree to, which is valid. But you cannot allow Mum to use not wanting to pay for care to be a club held over your head.
You need to set firm boundaries. Mum, unless you start contributing the household and covering the costs of hired care givers, you will be looking for another place to live. I am not a slave. I have the right to live my life as I see fit.
Your mom has been living with you for 2 1/2 years and you are her sole caregiver.
The fact that you took this on willingly is commendable and you have my deepest admiration for doing so.
I say all the time that caregiving can only be successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
It sure sounds to me like your mother is the one setting the terms of the caregiving in your house. When this happens it will lead to resentment, caregiver burnout, and many times risk of elder abuse. No one wants that, but it happens and often. So mom dictating when and where you can go and for how long, stops today.
Mom needs a little tough love from you now. I know how hard it will be for you, but it's for her own good as well as yours. You can put an end to her refusal of allowing anyone but you to take care of her 7 days a week.
This is how. Plan a vacation and arrange suitable care for her. This can be family members taking it in turns to stay at your house with her. Or a paid caregiver willing to take a short term live-in assignment. Or even a respite stay in a nursing home or LTC for the time you'll be away.
Speak to your family first about them helping out to cover the care for her while you and your husband go on a vacation.
Then a few days before you leave tell your mother about it. Where you're going and for how long. Make it clear to her who will be taking care of her and where if you're planning to have her stay somewhere other than your house.
Let her ask questions if she has any, and answer them within reason. Let her fuss about it or complain as much as she wants. Ignore it. No one ever died from fussiness or not getting their own way.
Then let that be the end of it.
No more discussion about it. After you've explained to her and she's asked her questions, the discussing of it is finished.
Then go on your vacation. It will be fine. Your mother will be fine.
Bon Voyage and have a good time! You deserve it.
And Guess What? You are paying for the care provider.
Time for some firm boundaries. Mum I will be away from the house and a carer will be hired and paid for with your funds. I do not owe you any explanation as to where I am going or what I am doing. I will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7.
There is no need to feel guilty.
Sometimes our elderly loved ones need a little bit of tough love and a practical lesson about respecting boundaries.
No one ever died because they had a tantrum over not getting their own way.
She needs a workup by a good Geriatric Psychiatrist (it sounds to me like there is anxiety and long standing mental illness or depre5ssion at play).
Age senility? Who told you that?
This is dementia.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Considering an appointment with her doctor so they can determine her real needs.
Have you considered putting cameras in various places in her apartment so you can monitor her without actually being there? I have a baby monitor pointed at the head of Mom's bed and take it to my office in the morning so I can see when she starts getting restless and wants to get up, and I take it to the bedroom at night so I can hear if she calls. There is a wifi monitor in the living room area of her space (all 1 room, but separated into living and bed area by furniture). My brother and his wife have access to that camera and can monitor her when they want. It has been helpful for us. If you had a monitor maybe you could see how independent she really can be.
I understand about the senior center failure. Mom refused to go, even though (or maybe because ) she knew an older lady (probably close to 10 years older) who rode the center's bus to and from several times a week. We live in a rural area and it would have been great if she would have gone.
Does your mother do any crafts? Mom used to crochet until she couldn't keep the afghans wide enough (they were triangular) and then she colored for a while but stopped for reasons unknown to us.
I hope you area able to find someone who can watch your mom occasionally so you have some family time together.
If you mean your whole family needs to get away for a few hours, do you have a sibling who can come visit, or a neighbor, or someone from church who can come visit.
My mother has been living with us since June 2018 and for over the last year we have not been comfortable leaving her by herself because she is a fall risk. When I had cataract surgery, I had a friend ( who also helps with cleaning) come clean and keep an eye on Mom. When my husband had a heart attack and was admitted to a hospital 1-1/2 hours away, the same friend came over and sat with mom until my brother (who lives 6-1/2 hours away) could get here.
Mom is now in hospice and we used to have a hospice volunteer who came by every few weeks and we could go out to eat while she was here, but those visits have been suspended for the foreseeable future.
I don't know if your mother is trying to manipulate you or if she's afraid of being left in someone else's care because they can't take care of her like you can, but for your, your family's and especially your mother's sake, try to find a backup, like when my hubby had a heart attack.
Please take care of yourself in addition to those you love.
By the time that I found this forum, I was so fragile, that I felt as if I would break into a million little pieces if I were criticized in any way, shape or form. I was in need of all the comfort I could get. I don’t think I could have even handled helpful, constructive criticism. Criticism was the very last thing I needed at that particular point in my life. No one knows how it feels unless they have walked in our shoes. I had no clue how hard full time caregiving was until I did it myself. You may not feel the impact as deeply as I did because my caregiving years lasted so long.
I was completely exhausted, felt a bazillion other emotions too and was burning out!
We become fragile, lost, develop anxiety and depression as caregivers. Some people are compassionate towards us and throw us a lifeline to hold onto until we are able to get our bearings. Others kick us when we are down, and not understanding at all of what we are going through. It’s a mixed bag of emotions, for sure.
Seeking the help of an objective professional was the most useful thing that I did for myself. My therapist was amazing and he helped me to help myself. Many people on this forum helped me as well. Some of them had been in my shoes and they truly understood. Don’t discount others being able to help because they have never been ‘hands on’ caregivers. Some of these people helped me the most because I was able to see the other side.
Sooner or later, you will find those people that you personally connect with. Take advantage of those connections and learn from their experiences. Later on, you will be able to help others in the same situation.
You need time for yourself. This isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. If not, you will crash and burn. You are equally as important as the one that you are caring for. In order for you to be your best, you have to care for yourself too.
In person caregiver groups are amazing. I participated in one that was led by a social worker. I learned a lot and received helpful information.
In the end, it’s about balance, peace and joy in our lives. We all need this in our lives. Do whatever you need to do to achieve it. Some people continue to be caregivers at home with help. Others choose facility care. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way as long as you find a healthy balance in your life.
Wishing you peace during these challenging times.
If Mom has money, I would suggest an AL. There will be so much more she can do there. My Mom coukdn't participate in Bingo but she enjoyed sitting and watching people. She loved when they had entertainment. I agree, use her money. If she is considered low income then check out Medicaid for in home.
When she starts with the guilt trip about pushing her off on someone else, yep! That is exactly what I am doing because my family and myself need time with one another. Sorry you don't like it but, I can promise you that you will not like the alternative if you don't stop with the self centered attitude. Everyone in the house matters, all of their needs matter and she can come to terms with that or relocate.
Sounds harsh, yep, but for crying out loud, she has manipulated the situation and you are losing time with your children that you will never have again, the 13 year old trumps her every single time.
The nursing home threat is a very effective tool for family who are caregivers to fussy elders who demand being catered to by one person.
Does your mom have dementia or is she "just" selfish?
I assume that it is not safe for her to be alone so whether she likes it or not, a caregiver needs to be introduced into your household. Maybe you need to hire, with her money, someone for a few hours a day a couple times a week to come to the house for your mom to get used to them. Then you can start slipping away during those hours, even if you just go take a walk or do errands. The person can be there to do the dishes and the laundry. And chat with your mom and help her with some basic things and get her a meal. Or whatever you and the caregiver agree upon.
Your mom may not like it, but this really is not about her. It's not all about her, sorry to say. You and the rest of your family matter to and must be given the time and attention they deserve.
I take it there is some dementia at play here and why she's acting this way? Whether that is a factor or not doesn't really matter either. What does matter is that you strike a happy medium between living your own life and caring for your mother. Otherwise, resentment kicks in and everybody loses. Your husband gets angry, you feel pulled at every end, and nobody is happy in the long run. I suggest you set up a regular schedule of caregivers coming into your home so that you have some free time every week beginning now. Get mother used to the new rules immediately. That will give you a chance to go out and have lunch, get your hair done, shop, etc. Plus it will get your mother accustomed to a new person in her life that she will likely become friends with.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some new rules in your own home so you can take day trips and have some fun!