They live independently and are determined to keep doing so. Ages are 90 and 87. They have three sons. I need advice. We want to honor and respect them, but we can't force them to wear Depends or something similar. We also live almost across the country. They just moved to a new house from Chicago to Dayton; one of their sons lives in Dayton.
They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function. Or they may be in denial of their true situation. Or they’ve been told they need Depends but have forgotten. This sort of thing is a symptom of cognitive decline. When was the last time they were evaluated by a physician? One who specializes in geriatric care would be best.
Their wish to live independently isn’t reasonable anymore. They aren’t likely to understand if you or siblings tell them they need more help. You might as well save your breath.
Look for a doctor and state that you don’t think mom and dad can live independently now. Let the doctor explain to them. And start looking for 24/7 care so they’ll be clean and safe.
Wanting to honor and respect parents is admirable, but it’s no longer possible to cater to their wishes when they aren’t able to understand the consequences of living on their own. At that time, you have to step up and become the parent. Good luck to you.
There's definitely a lot more going on than incontinence. Good call on that one.
"If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence. They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function."
a friend of mine's mother was in that situation. the mother had no idea how to solve the problem. my friend showed her mother step by step, how to use adult diapers. there was some dementia (mild, but enough to need help solving problems). the mother's memory is not bad, but problem-solving skills, very bad.
That isn't normal.
I cannot imagine the condition of the home they left, nor the condition the new home will go into quickly, but APS visiting would likely deem the place unfit for habitation.
There needs to be some mental examinations here, and a good honest talk. If people are in an unsafe condition then placement is needed, and part of "unsafe" would be a home with feces and urine.
I may be missing some part of the story. Hope you can explain more. When this has been discussed with your parents what has their response been?
In addition to communication amongst ourselves, my siblings and I had monthly dinner "meetings" with our parents for as long as they were able to go out. They liked being with all of us and we were able to coordinate care decisions. This can be done online for family that lives far away. The son who lives close by will also appreciate the support of his brothers.
When all three of their children express the same concern in the same way, inlaws are more likely to accept that there is a problem and a solution.
Do they visit you & leave your sofa damp? Do you visit them & find it hard to sit somewhere dry?
I have an LO that was aware of their incontinence but couldn't self-manage.
Being as matter of fact as I could I discussed getting some advice. A continence helpline was great! Advised;
1. See Dr to rule out & treat medical issues.
2. If no cure *aim to contain*.
Using the right products can make life, home & socialising so much better.
Did someone mention using adult pants but overflow? Yup.
This is a other challenge. When folk cannot change them when required. May be functional or mobility (struggling with zips, buttons, taking spoiled clothing off) or cognitive (planning ahead, packing spare clothing, being able to notice when pad/pants need changing).
My LO has all that. Good products & easy elastic waistbands help but sometimes this is still not enough.
'Independantly' INCLUDES independantly hiring any help you need IMHO eg yard person, cleaner, laundry, shopping help, even a personal assist aide for dressing/bathing assistance.
Are smelly folk with spoiled or unwashed clothes MORE independant? Or just more stubborn? 🤔
People who pee and crap themselves, don't realize how bad they smell and no longer understand that being filthy and unsanitary is dangerous, are no longer independent.
When people get to this point they usually have to be placed in a managed care facility.
The three life rules for old men:
1) Never pass a pisser.
2) Never waste an erection.
3) Never trust a fart.
The son that they have moved closest to should take them for evaluation by a doctor that specializes in elder care.
I don't think that to "honor and respect them" means you don't have those tough conversations. It is a difficult stage of life for all involved.
Sounds like you all are paying attention and noticing the changes in them and that is the first step. Second step is making them a doctors appointment and give the doctor the heads up before the appointment what is happening. Your excuse to the parents can be that since they are in a new town, they need to establish new doctors.
When I visit I head straight to a window & open it.
I think so many women think they are being “good wives” by taking on way more then they need to, with a husband’s parents. But watch out! He will gladly let you do more and more, and when you finally scream, “Jesus, I have had enough!” you will look like the bad guy. Best to stay well out of it from the get-go. Then any nice little card or casserole you send will look like a wonderful gesture! Back away, back away…
I agree with you too. There is nothing wrong with plain speech and stating something matter-of-factly.
If someone smells like pee or crap, they should be told so. If they smell because they don't wash and bathe, the same is true.
I totally agree with you. I was a caregiver for 25 years. I find that speaking plainly about things and calling them what they are is the best way to go about things.