I’ve posted previously, but not often. A recap:
I’m 37, and have four children ages 9, 12, 15, and 17. Been married 17 years. I’ve also provided caregiving to my father and late-stepmother over the last 5 years. Two of my children are on the autism spectrum and one of them has ID, so will most likely never be independent.
Last year I had my father placed in a facility after a very long tension-filled two and a half years of him being in my home. We now don’t speak or visit except for his birthday or holidays, but he is doing well in his ALF. So I’m free from that. As my children are getting older, the amount of higher-level parenting has gotten less. Quite honestly, I don’t have to do nearly a fraction of what I used to do in years past....and now I feel like I’ve swung to the far opposite of this caregiving pendulum.
My caregiver burnout has gotten bad enough my therapist wants me in to see her more. I’ve hit this massive wall. I’ve gone from constantly running around, never sitting still, doc/speech/PT/OT/ABA therapies daily, taking care of all my kids’ needs as well as my dad and late-stepmother’s.......to not even feeling like doing any work to even take care of myself. Obviously as a mom, my children are taken care of, but it’s not near at a level I have done in the past.
My therapist says people my age and in my particular position (parents and children with special needs) take a lot longer to wade through the burnout even after the demands have lessened, because the caregiving isn’t over yet...and for me may never be gone because of my son. It’s like I just want to finally have some peace and be left alone, but I cannot because these kids depend on me. It’s bordering on apathy and depression. I can visualize myself doing the basic chores, or doing the event my kids have, but then it get time to actually do it and I hit a wall. I just can’t.
The kids are amazing, helping where they can and doing what is possible independently. And they have plenty of time for education and play. I feel too guilty to ask them to do more than they do already (which is basic stuff like dishes, their laundry, trash, taking care of the cat, cooking dinner occasionally.)
My therapist became concerned because a lot of times I won’t eat or shower because it just feels too demanding. I’ve lost weight. We’re trying to figure out how to get me to the place of doing the basic ADLs without so much stress. Once I get into working on something I’m good. Visualizing and planning I can do. It’s the beginning action where there’s this huge wall. I asked if I’m just lazy, she assures me I’m not since I wasn’t like this until we moved my dad out.
Anyone experience this? What techniques did you do to start pulling yourself out of this? I realize my burnout may take a long time to come out of, but I can’t be like this forever. My burnout is stressing me out!
Thanks all in advance.
I am so thankful you have a therapist. I am so thankful that you are moving forward. I just told someone who gave care of her Mom over to ALF that it is like being a newborn, really, when the constant 24/7 never-catch-up goes away, because it actually gives you time to THINK. And whoops. There is so much to THINK ABOUT, you become overwhelmed all over again.
You are doing the work. It will take you time. There is no time limit. When I see that many kids, the problems, the ages--Lordy woman! I cannot imagine how you do it.
I am thankful you knew your limitations with the father. I am thankful you have some guidance. Has any sort of low dose anti-depressant been suggested? Do you think it might help?
Let yourself be where you are at. If there is a bad day that you need to curl into a ball of hopeless depression let yourself do it. Try to look on moods as weather fronts that will come and go. When a moment of joy leaks in, embrace it. Try to find a few moments that are just yours. And whatever you like, sewing, knitting, listening to true crime podcast (me), reading, do that. Wishing you the best luck. Hang in there.
Honestly I had most of my “stuff” together when it came to the kids and their needs prior to having to take on my dad and late stepmother. Once Dad moved in with me it just went downhill. He wasn’t the nicest human to live with. I moved him out because he was having more strokes, and that was my line in the sand when he moved in. The first two weeks after he left was such a happy and relief-filled time! I learned later that was the honeymoon period.
I keep feeling confused because while my dad was here and I had to deal with all his needs, demands, and bad behaviors I imagined my life with him gone to be so much better. Which in many aspects it is. But I guess I didn’t consider that burnout already happened and that I would need to recover.
I haven’t gone towards medication yet (a big reason is that it takes work! Lol). From going to the primary care doc, getting the referral, dealing with insurance, calling to schedule, actually going to the psychiatrist, having to make that extra trip to the pharmacy, remember to take it. It feels like a lot, and even all those small actions seem overwhelming.
I started seeing the therapist right after the honeymoon period ended. So she’s been watching this progress and keeps telling me like you did....this takes time. Since I didn’t avoid burnout and am now suffering from it, it’s going to take awhile. At the same tho, I cannot tell our landlord payment was late because my burnout prevented me from getting the payment in, or tell the kids my burnout kept me from taking them to skate night with their friends, or tell my family/friends I don’t want to come celebrate whatever it is because burnout is preventing me from leaving my house. Gah. I hate burnout. Feeling much like a big cautionary tale!
* as I sit here trying to will myself to take my girls to their event tonight*
You are young and you have so much life ahead of you. Please remember to take life "one day at a time". I personally couldn't make it without the Lord. My faith is my hope and my strength. (That doesn't mean I don't lose it once in a while, 'cause I do). 😢
If you enjoy watching movies, (I watch the classic ones after getting everyone to bed) that's a great way to relax and unwind for a while. Bless you precious one. 💙💙💙