Hello everyone,
It has been over a month since my dear mom died. Very difficult losing her to Covid. I feel like a lost sheep looking for her mother. Having to catch myself checking on her in her bedroom. The rest of the family are ok but they too are very sad. We have been going out and started skiing again, joined the YMCA. Everywhere we go reminds me of my mother. I had to leave a store one day because it reminded me of my dear mom. Life is so different now, words can't express it. I cry a lot but am certainly happy she is at peace. We made her our world for the last 22 years, so it is hard. No regrets, just beautiful memories of a lovely, wonderful woman that will be in my heart forever. Family and friends think I am holding up well but inside is a terrible heartache I don't wish on anyone. I was told by one of my mom's doctors I would crash eventually well I think I did recently. I have never known this kind of pain. I look at her picture every day and play her tribute video most days. It helps me cope. What gives me peace and comfort is knowing I did the very best I could for my mother. I made some mistakes along the way and certainly learned from them. I lost my very best friend and now I feel so alone. I am venting here because I feel safe with all of you wonderful people. I am doing as well as can be expected with such a loss. I don't think I can give advice about losing my mother, but I am quite sure others will do better. I will check in sometime and hope you all are doing well. (lealonnie, I sent you a private message quite a few weeks ago.)
Eventually your mind will find a place to tuck Mom's memory away to be pulled out and remembered with happiness not grief, and you'll feel better, but don't expect it to happen overnight, nor just because the funeral is over and everyone went home. You've lost a very important part of your life -- almost like losing a limb, although I usually save that for surviving spouses.
I can highly recommend the book "Healing After Loss," by Martha Hickman. It's a little pocket-sized book with a year's worth of essays on grief, and you only have to read a single page a day so it isn't too much to digest. I've given it to a friend whose 16-year-old daughter died in her sleep, to a stranger on an airplane, and to lots of friends, and they've all found it to be helpful. I'm now working through somewhat sporadically after the death of my own mother last summer. I have good days and bad days, so I pull it out on the bad days.
Good luck to you.
I hope you're grief is gentle, and that you're gentle with yourself throughout this process.
I found this poem about the time my cousin died, and shared it with his mother who is still having a terrible time with her grief; he was 48 years old when he died of brain cancer. Here it is:
— You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once —
You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.
~ Donna Ashworth Words
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for acceptance as you travel this tough road you face with the loss of your beloved mom. I know how special she was to you. Keep your eyes wide open for signs from above, and especially visits from her in your dreams. She's still with you, you just can't see her, but I'll bet you can FEEL her every single day.