Hi! I have a caregiver from an agency that comes in regularly to take care of my mom. My mom has dementia, is immobile, slow to process questions, etc. basically can’t do anything for herself. This caregiver bugs me. She is very experienced and very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding) but I am bothered by how she baby talks to my mom and wants to “make her beautiful” by putting barrettes in her hair (which my mom has never used in her life). Anyway, I’m ok for her to make changes as long as it’s for facilitating ease of care. How do I address this with her without being rude? Am I making a big deal about this? Thanks for reading!
It's important. Baby talk is completely inappropriate and devaluing. The elderly people are adults. I definitely didn't want to let that slide.
You know another thing that really annoys me? When a caretaker says "I love you". Those are big words, and they absolutely don't LOVE my sister. They're paid. Let's see how much they would love my sister if they did it all for free, and helped again and again for years. That would be love. I find "I love you", so dishonest and boot licking.
Side-note: We currently have great caretakers. My sister is very happy with them.
What do u mean by babytalk. Like talking to an infant or a 4 yr old. If its like chalk on a blackboard to you than I would ask her to stop. "Could you please do me a favor, talking to my Mom like that for some reason just rubs me the wrong way" make it about you not her doing something wrong. or "sorry, for some reason the way you talk to Mom seems to bother me" Or like said, let it roll off ur back.
How is her behavior affecting your mom? Is your mom offended by her behavior? Is she annoying to your mom? I would focus on how your mom responds to her personality and act accordingly.
I read your profile. I also cared for a mother who had Parkinson’s disease and dementia. It’s difficult to watch our parents decline, and of course, we want the best fit as far as caregivers go.
Whenever, I found myself with a caregiver who wasn’t the best fit for my mother, I called the agency and requested that they send a replacement.
I told the agency what I liked and disliked in a caregiver. They were accommodating and sent a replacement.
We were sent a caregiver for my mom who was a wonderful match for my mom. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you see that your mom is uncomfortable with the caregiver.
If your mom isn’t uncomfortable and you are having difficulty getting past her “baby talk” you can ask the agency to speak with her about it. Or you can politely tell her yourself.
Best wishes to you and your family.
If not I think you should mention it. She may not even realize she is doing it, it might have become a habit.
As for the barrettes..does mom pull at them? does she seem to want them out? does using them keep her hair out of the way and make it easier to care for mom? If mom dies not seem to mind, if she is not wanting them out, if they keep hair off her face, out of food I would let this go.
The baby talk would get me as well, I don't talk baby talk to babies, infants, toddlers or anyone else.
She should speak slowly, distinctly and give mom plenty of time to comprehend what has been said and formulate an answer.
I don't feel like baby talk is devaluing to an elder w dementia unless THE ELDER feels devalued by that type of talk. When my mom lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, her "girls" told her "I love you Joann" all the time and it was a beautiful sentiment that came from the heart. Sure the caregivers are paid, as any and all employees on earth are, but these gals genuinely cared about mom and SHE felt it. She was touched by their feelings for her, which added to her experience in Memory Care. Not everyone has ulterior motives or bad intentions when caring for elders in their own way, thats been my experience over the years. When I was a CG myself, I genuinely cared for the 2 clients I had become close to over time. It happens.
Anyway, I'd leave things alone unless mom seems bothered or uncomfortable by the way her CG is treating her. As far as hair ornaments go, maybe they help mom feel pretty or a bit dressed up for the day. Just my 2 cents on the matter.
Let the caregiver express her own personality. Do you know how boring it is to be with an immobile demented patient for hours and hours and hours? It makes caregiver happy to keep your mom looking nice, so be glad she's not letting mom lie there all day with her hair hanging in her eyes and no one to talk to. Let her manicure your mom's nails if she wants. Or give her a pedicure. Anything to ward off the stultifying boredom of what they're both going through.
My mom's caregiver during her dementia dressed her carefully in her nice clothes every day. She cut her hair and curled it. She put mom's pearls on her and they chose the earrings for the day together. Mom's nails were usually nicely lacquered and her makeup on - lipstick, eyebrow pencil. This gave them something to do, something in common, and smiles. Because right around the corner, mom was going to die in a horrible way. Why not enjoy what you can while you can?
As for the baby talk, so what? It might irritate you, but you have all your brain. It may be just what your mom wants and needs, a feeling that someone is nurturing and caring, just like when she was a well-loved little girl. Which hopefully she is again in her own brain.
If your mother is bothered by it, then you refer the caregiver back to her person-centered care guidelines.
BUT you have to pick your battles and since this person is kind and competent you may have to swallow your reaction, believe me when I say there are worse things. Usually when my mom's caregivers were there I made sure that I wasn't, that way there was less chance of me getting bothered buy the small stuff.
But this would drive my crazy. Could she be approached, by prefacing how much you value her and appreciate her but would also prefer she not baby talk?
It might very well be the aide has no problem with stopping it and would be glad to know your preferences.
Barettes and baby talk are expressions of love and it might not be the love language you respond to but if it makes your mom have a good day in the 36 hour day, let it be.
You also don’t know how this will be received. Imagine if the caregiver goes extreme and becomes super cold and grey rock on your mom, doing the bare minimum.
I can see how it could annoy you but you are not the human at the center of this issue.
However....try to overcome your annoyance and let it go.
If this particular caregiver is "very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding).." then overlook the other things that annoy you but are harmless and may actually be giving your mother comfort.
I have 3 caregivers currently and each one of them annoys me in her own way but they're not caring for me, and they are kind to my mother while I get out for a couple of hours.
Peace.
Let it go...do you know how lucky you are to have a caregiver who is providing all of the necessities of daily living. Don't we all love to be pampered. There is a labor shortage nation wide. Believe me, caregivers are not overpaid, more like overworked, underpaid and it is back-breaking work.
You have to speak slow, calm and loving with dementia patients.
I wish you could send her over to my place. I need someone to do my hair!
Start with "Thank you for caring for my mom as you do, I really appreciate you." Then ... You give her an example of how to speak to your mother and ask her, the caregiver, if she understands.
If you do not want barrettes or things like that, tell her. Thank you, but no barrettes. "Just do it like this" ... and show her. Perhaps part of the communication is that you are leaving 'so much' up to the caregiver. Of course, some things like this (hair styles/decorations may happen - this is when you get the care giver back on track).
Expressing yourself in a kind and clear manner is being respectful to the caregiver, and anyone else you speak to.
And, by asserting yourself with this care provider, you are showing respect to your mother.
Do not give your inner power away to a caregiver, or anyone else.
Gena / Touch Matters
I prefer to just show gratitude to someone who is doing so much to help and assist.
Baby talk would absolutely drive me crazy but if it makes someone else feel special, I say, go with the flow.
Good caregiving isn't just about physical needs (bathing...whatever). It's also about how you talk, etc., psychological needs. A caregiver can intentionally or unintentionally do a lot of psychological harm to a client.
Addressing babytalk with the caregiver is important, if the babytalk bothers your Mom. In our case, the babytalk really annoyed my elderly sister.
If you're afraid to speak up, that's not a good sign. It's probably the wrong caregiver, if one feels so intimidated one can't make polite suggestions. Our caregiver stopped the babytalk right away. I just politely said, please stop.
I’m the opposite. In my house, everyone is called baby. My husband and I call each other baby. I call my two teen girls baby. Our little poodle is also called baby. I baby talk to the kids and they are fine with it. We all baby talk to the little poodle. That’s how we show affection.
We don’t do that in public though.
I'm so glad to hear that. It's demeaning. They're adults.
As far as the barrettes go, let it go. There's no harm in her playing with your mother's hair. It's positive attention and interaction.
These people are EMPLOYEES, not employers, or charity workers.