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I personally think we selfishly live or maybe that's what I am led to believe. I know I am just a kid, but I relate somehow to him slowly dying. I think it's because what I hear, what he says to me (not very much) I've seen him get beat, heard fights and heard and watched "love" die before my very eyes, not that I ever learned what love is. I feel lost. I know I should do something but I am 18 knowing little about what I could do in this big world. I am still in school, and I try to focus on it, but it's hard. My grandma, that I call mom, takes care of him. She is his wife. So what do I do?

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John,
I'm so sorry. You seem very sad and alone. Is there someone at your school that you can safely talk to? You sound like you have a big heart and I do believe you know what love is, you are displaying your knowledge by asking how you can help someone you care about. I am not completely sure what you are asking for here but at your age, and perhaps even if you were older and set in your life with disposable income, you probably couldn't fix this situation. I'm in my 60's and I couldn't fix my parent's problems.
So, love him and be there to listen to him when you can. Then go live your life because you are young and that is what you should be doing. Please don't take this on as your problem. Help your grandma/mom when you can and be the sweet person you are.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing. Sending good wishes your way.
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I would go to community acupuncture clinic . The woman were really helpful and listen - I would meditate while the needles were in and listen to music 🎶 One lady would let me stay 2-3 hours because it was a safe nurturing environment. My head would clear up and my body would release all
the stress . Afterwards I would get a early dinner and write . I never knew what Chaos would be at Home . I did my grocery shopping before my appointment. So that Day would be to heal me . The amount of stress could be exhausting. I would tell the Doctor how exhausted I was - I didn’t really get any help from Him - sometimes I would call
the social worker begging for help or to come to the house 🏡 I had no family to help me .this role as caregiver I did not choose - my Mom got very ill and crazy . Then my brother got stage 4 cancer and died - Dad was declining . You have to choose life and take care of yourself.
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
Thank you for telling me that. I hope your at peace now. I hope your happy.
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I'd like to add in addition to my previous idea about checking out Americorps, yes, of course the military is a possible option. My relative in Americorps wasn't ready to make a military commitment right out of high school - it involves putting your life on the line, which is certainly something to consider at age 18 - so that's why he chose Americorps. That way he was on his own, traveled with a team, and got to see a lot of the US. Now, as a college graduate, he's thinking again about joining the military - this time, as an officer.

Before anyone protests my cautions about joining the military at such a young age, know that my husband is a retired military officer who proudly served. He joined at age 24.
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The army could be a good idea . If you feel bad you can call the Alzheimers association ( The One In Brewster, Ma. has nice people ) - I have called them for advice or someone to talk to . Believe me I Know How bad watching People fight can Be and the Pressure of Not Knowing what Love is - is rather Painful . it is tough watching a Person decline . Sometimes there are support groups for People dealing with Dementia . And yes when you tell someone " you want to Kill yourself " and you are Ignored is Painful . Sometimes talking to someone at the suicide Hot Line is a Good Idea . I do a meditation on Mondays at 2 Pm with Thomas Victor Carroll On The Quik silver page on Instagram - east coast time - he has been starting about 1:52 Pm and he Does a good talk and meditation . He is a Famous surfer - Older Now but Most of the guys are surfers . He will also come On His page on Instagram Wednesdays and Fridays around 2 Pm . He Maybe able to Private chat with you because he has a lot of insight . Very bright guy you need a role Model . I Know My Mom didnt want me coming back home after I was 17 - Life is never easy . It does get better - Always believe there is tomorrow and that this chapter will be closing and your going to start a New chapter No matter how dark things may seem and a rule Of thumb there is always tomorrow and Thank God for a good night of sleep . I think everyone here is wishing you well because believe me we have all been there .
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
Thank you for your words it's good I think to hear other peoples stories!!
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I just found out 988 is national not state!
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I'm sorry for all the replies, suicide is very upsetting to me, so please, if you are even slightly feeling suicidal, tell someone, which you did, but that someone didn't listen, so tell another someone and keep telling till someone will listen
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The hot line is call or text
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What state are you in? You don't have to say, but I'm asking because NYS has a mental health hot line. 988## it's a mental health hot line. Or you could call suicide hotline, if your state doesn't, even if your not suicidal they should help you figure out what to do. Please think about it!
My son was actually on the committee and helped form this hotline. Any ? Please let me know
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
I think i'll be ok. I do live day by day. I am not a victim, I know that. I also know I don't have in me to kill myself I would love to live out my dreams Hopefully I can do that.
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The councellor did not do anything when u mentioned you may kill yourself! They are a mandated reporter and should have you talk to the school Phychiatrist. They are suppose to take any talk of suicide seriously. I think I would take that to the Superintendent of your school district. If he does nothing, then to your County Superintendent. That councellor failed you.
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
I am not the only one that probably feels like that I know most of my friend group is depressed I wish I could help them. We are so good at keeping everything in, and just dishing out jokes to make people feel better. We would love to live together, and get out of a routine of bad home environment.
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As Alva said so well in the first sentence of her posting to you, you are learning how tough life can be through your experiences. I am really sorry that you are going through this with your family.

You’re so young. No one should expect you to know how to handle a situation like this without getting outside help. I’m sure that you feel extremely lost, confused and even helpless.

It’s incredibly frustrating not to know where to turn. It’s hard to talk about difficult things to others. It’s painful to discuss our experiences for a number of reasons.

Do not allow anyone to make you feel like you could have prevented any of these occurrences. None of this is your fault and you couldn’t have prevented any of it.

So, please don’t blame yourself for not knowing what to do. You have taken the first step now by reaching out. That is what is most important.

Talk to your school counselor, a teacher or anyone that you trust about your situation. They can lead you in the right direction with going forward with what is the best way to handle this situation.

I wish you all the best and hope that you will find peace, joy and love. There are people who will help you as you navigate through this difficult time in your life.

One day, you will see a young person that is struggling and you will be an example for them that they will be able to make it through their tough situation.

Take care.
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
Sooooo.. About the "Talk to your school counselor" I did a while back and all that happened when was I got a day off from school. Maybe that's because I said I wanted to kill myself. But it did help temporarily to be away from school and I took my grandma and grandpa and one of my friends besides that they never really got back with me. Kinda a main reason why I don't trust adult teachers or school counselors with my true feeling/ or at least the temporary ones.
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Rover.com is a dog walking site for a Part time job - Kids in my neighborhood do a Lot of dog walking and It Pays well . Your grand Mom Needs help . Her doctor can get a social worker to have people come in and help Out . Can you go with your grand Mother to her doctors ? and you yourself get a Therapist ? This Must be really hard for you to watch . It Takes a Lot of patience to take care of someone with dementia and to also understand the disease . I do hope you feel Less Lost and Can start setting some goals for yourself . You are alone In this difficult situation so it would be good for the both of you to have therapists .
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Your profile says Granddad has a Dementia. Does your grandmother hit him? Is this just since his being diagnosed with a Dementia? If so, she is not able to deal with his illness. She should not be arguing with him. He has lost his reasoning ability. He is in his own little world. She needs to learn to walk away or redirect him. I think your family as a whole need help. There is help out there. I would start with Office of Aging (not APS at this time) and see if their situation can be evaluated. There may be resources grandmom can take advantage of. Maybe help from Medicaid for an aide or Daycare for Granddad. Talk to your school councelor. Maybe he can get the ball rolling. I don't think, if this abuse is new to the disease, leaving is the answer. It may just be a matter of your grandparents getting the help they need. Your job is doing what you can for grandmom to lighten her load. Keep ur room clean. Clean up after yourself. Do your own laundry. Help grandmom with theirs. Its the little things that mount up and become overwhelming. Your 18 and now considered an emmacipated adult. Time to grow up. Offer to sit with Granddad so Grandmom can go out for a while. But, you too are entitled to enjoy your, I am assuming, senior year so there needs to be a balance on how much ur grandmom relies on you. Maybe a sit down with grandmom and a good talk.
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First of all, if you saw your grandfather being beaten, you call the police. Or you fight back if he cannot. Your young age is no excuse to be complacent and do nothing while a vulnerable elder is being physically abused.

That being said, you should never ask other people how you should feel about anything. Everyone's feelings are their own and they come from us alone.

You say you call your grandmother 'mom'. Where are your parents? Do you have siblings?

Do you go to school or work? If you don't then both of these things should be your top priority now. You are at the age where you're supposed to start planning your adult life and doing the right things so you can give yourself an adult life.

Your grandfather lived his life. If he loves you he will want you to go to school and learn a trade of profession. He will want you have friends and go places and enjoy being young.

Every living thing in this life dies at some point. Your grandfather will and so will you. Your grandfather has lived a lot of life. It's time for him to go on to what's next. It's time for you to go on to adulthood.

Do you have a community college in your area? How about trying some classes. Many of them also have work-study programs where they give you a job while you're in school and it helps. I did this and I was a ways older than you when I did it.

Is there a trade school in your area? Tradespeople make good money these days. As good or more than white collar workers.

Even check out Americorps as has been suggested here. That might be a good fit for you too. Or military service.

You've got a whole world of options at your age. Try some life at your age. Your grandfather who loves you wants you to have a good adult life.
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Johndoe222 Feb 24, 2024
(You say you call your grandmother 'mom'. ) I grew up calling her that I guess at the time I thought her to be a mom. My bio mom Had problems taking care of me her reasons are her own but I still love her and try to reach out and yes i have siblings. But they never lived with me. (First of all, if you saw your grandfather being beaten, you call the police. Or you fight back if he cannot. Your young age is no excuse to be complacent and do nothing while a vulnerable elder is being physically abused.) About that Its been on both sides. I think he is more trying to resist and she gets mad and is stressed from taking care of him all day. I don't really have a phone or a job I had one and I don't remember the exact reason but she kicked me out. I want to go to the army and my school year is almost done, so for me.. I don't see the point of getting a job. That was last year though. A year later back in the same place she wants me out again. I can't live my life without limitations. Again I am still learning but I do blame myself a lot and I don't know what exactly I do wrong because everything I do seems wrong.
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Concentrate on school, no matter what it takes. That's the most important thing right now. At 18, you're coming out of kid stage and will soon be faced with important life decisions. But you already know that!

So what next? Have you heard of Americorps? A young member of my family enlisted in Americorps right after high school graduation. Americorps offered a place to live, a way to help others, three square meals a day, and help with college after the enlistment was over (I think the enlistment was a year or so). This relative wasn't ready for college yet, but after a year with Americorps, they had a better idea of what they wanted to do in life. They recently graduated from college. The Americorps experience involved being member of a team sent to parts of the US for help after natural disasters, such as distributing supplies and fixing buildings. They said it was fun and they learned a lot, such as teamwork and the joy of helping others.

I don't think you should be living with grandpa and grandma much longer. Too much emphasis on death and dying. You need to learn how to live. But make sure you have a high school diploma before you explore the world. Everything will be so much easier for you as a high school graduate.

Now go look up Americorps! And good luck.

PS And don't drink or use drugs. That's a sure way to get nowhere, and you need to focus on all the exciting somewheres that are waiting to be found by you.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 25, 2024
@Fawnby

You go look up Americorps. It's basically indentured servitude for people18-24. At least the military pays actual wages.

You're spot on about staying away from booze and drugs though. No good ever comes of either.
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You are learning about human limitations.
The hard way.
By experience.
So you can only be a support where you can, and you need to watch carefully to understand what NOT TO BE.

I just responded to someone above that my partner was raised by a religious fanatic father who didn't believe in doctors and wouldn't allow him to see one even if he broke a bone. His mother, abused by the dad in that manner, fearing for her son became overprotective to the extent she wouldn't allow him even to play. Clutching on to her son while threatening to leave both father and son by suicide, she made his life a fearful living Hades on earth.

He remained kind and faithful but when his Dad died he honestly was relieved and when the mother died many years later, after his watching over her from states away, calling once a week, visiting a week a year, he was relieved she was gone.

How did then my partner come to be such a good, strong, kind and loving man?
He says they taught him everything NOT TO BE.

Perhaps it is just thinking (which you are doing) about what you want for your own life, what you are learning out of all this. Perhaps we are some of us just genetically more equipped to survive. I really can't know. But I do think a lot is attitude.

I am sorry, you are going through tough stuff. I see some people come out stronger and I see some people come out sinking down into what they "see", what they "know", and repeating the very things they loathed as they grew up.
I can only wish you the best, and tell you, I have faith you can rise above, can learn. You are a thinker, and they ROCK.

Is there a school counselor you can safely speak with? You are at the beginning of a huge long journey, and the 20s are when you LEARN so much, through both good and tough experience. I wish you so much luck.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 24, 2024
I love the first sentence in your post, Alva. He is learning through his experiences in life.

Kids don’t automatically know how to deal with tough situations in life.

You have expressed an accurate and realistic view on this situation.
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I would apply to Omega Institute they need summer Help - You Can work in the Kitchen , do gardening , Take classes and meet some wonderful People . I would apply to Upaya Zen center too that is a Great group of People . Being a caregiver is not for the faint Of Heart . Take care of you .
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Johndoe222...
I have to ask this...
when you say you hear "fights" and you say "I have seen him get beat" are you talking about PHYSICAL fights and PHYSICAL beatings. Or even Verbal fights and verbal beatings?
If this is what is happening you need to talk to someone or you need to call 911 when it is happening.
It does not matter who is doing this to your grandpa it is important that
1. YOU are safe
2 You help keep grandpa safe.

If it is your grandma it can be as "simple" as she is exhausted and can use some help.
Anyone that takes care of a person with dementia needs help sometime.
We are all human and it is sometimes easy to lose your temper.
But if this is happening to grandpa he is not doing anything on purpose to make someone angry.

I feel bad that you are possibly put in a situation that you should not have to deal with.
You can also contact your local Senior Service Center and ask to talk to a social Worker and explain what is going on. they are trained to help.

Please keep us posted and if you need to ask questions or just vent this is a safe place.
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Glad you reached Out . Go to your Doctors if you have One and ask for a social worker to help you or a Therapist . There are a Lot Of people here for advice On this forum. Does he Have Dementia ? Sounds Like some domestic violence is taking Place and that is traumatic for a Young Man to witness especially if these are your People who raised you . I went through a traumatic time with my dad for awhile , Odd behaviors , Belligerent, Manic , and I would call My social worker for Help . At One Point I was so exhausted I wanted to run away . Sounds Like a Intervention is needed . The social worker came to the House a couple times and It was very helpful for me. The Doctor also Met with him while I was with my social worker . Try to focus on your studies and get a Job and start Saving Money for college or if you want to Move Out . Plan On college even if it is a community college or Online . Think of some Professions you May want to have . Being a Firefighter is a Good Job or a Police Man . Really sounds Like you have No Male role Models to emulate . Do You Have any cousins or uncles someone to turn to and confide in ? Where is your biological Dad and Mom ? Can you talk with them ? I have felt Lost and Have had Therapy . There are even groups you can Join . Meet up - Make friends at Meet up . I Take courses at Upaya Zen center in Santa Fe , NM - they will let people Live in their community and study Buddhism . Also Omega institute in upper state New York has job applications where you can Live and work - That is a great Place - You could learn Permaculture - Really a Lot of neat People . There is Ojai Institute they need workers in California . Mount Madonna same deal they are a Live work community . Hawaii and Maine there are farms you can Live and work On - Blue Spirit in Costa Rica is also Looking for people to live and work . Some People Live in Vans and that's another Life style . Some People couch surf you could do that for a weekend Just to get a break . Sounds Like you need to get away from there even for a weekend . I would stay at a Lot of youth Hostels and travel . Some of the youth Hostels need help and will give you a room or bed . There is a new hostel Near Asheville , North Carolina That probably needs help . My Favorite hostel is the Not so Hostel in Charleston SC and the Sea shell inn in Key west . Seems Like you need to start making some Planes to get out of there .Save some Money and travel - meet people . Have a goal to leave . These people are not going to change and you are young . There is also Nesterly.com where you can rent a room In exchange for errands and helping Out a Person who is Older . Its time to explore the world and Make friends . Concentrate on you . I Love the show finding Your Roots - watch that show you May gain some Insight it is On PBS . You need to have some friends your Own age . We all grow up and leave home . Travel is a good way to start .
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Anxietynacy Feb 24, 2024
Amri- core, has good programs also
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What's the actual problem?

How old are your grandparents?

What state/county do you live in?

Do you have any other relatives or trusted adults to help you?

Does your grandpa have an actual medical diagnosis of dementia (not just someone's opinion), or other health issues (like, diabetes)?

Is your Grandmom still working?

For abuse, call 911. Even if the abuser is your Grandmom. Or, call APS -- but be prepared that your Grandpa may be removed from the house at some point. It's possible your Grandmom has caregiver burnout, or she herself has cognitive decline and is overwhelmed and less able to handle life.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please provide more info.
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Please share more information, and explain things better
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“ I’ve seen him get beat”. Do you mean grandma is physically assaulting your grandfather? If so you need to call APS,
Adult Protective Services.

If you do not feel safe at home you can tell the police , you can tell the guidance counselor at school if you are still in high school . Tell the counselor you “ feel lost “. Ask to be directed to your local county social worker . Perhaps they can help you find somewhere else to live , as well as a therapist to talk to . Schools also have psychologists you can speak to . Ask to speak to one , tell him/her you “ feel lost”. If you are in college you can go to the student health center for these issues , they can direct you to where you can get help .

I’m so sorry about your situation. You are young and deserve to focus on your own life , figuring out what you want to do , socializing with friends. This is not being selfish . This is how you learn to be an independent adult .
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