How to convince my husband he can't live with his mom any longer?

Grasping for straws here....an idea.

You say that you are the breadwinner?
Now, it's "I am the breadwinner in my household. My work hours are steady, and my husband is self-sufficient now, so my work isn't really a barrier anymore."

Does "self-sufficient" mean financially-an inheritance from his father maybe?

If he no longer needs your money, maybe he feels independent from you now.
Finances are always a big factor. One woman told me that if her husband had his own money, he would leave her. And he did when his parents passed and left him an inheritance.

Something to think about. If your money (which is yours, his, ours) in the marriage is going to support your husband to live at his Mom's, then you could say this to him:

"I respect your decision to help your Mom". Then proceed to quietly cut off any and all financial support of him until, and if, he returns home. His Mom, and his inheritance can support him over there? She can pay his medical bills too. There is absolutely no need to give him any more money?

The shared finances will return when he returns home.

Think also about: Is there a possibility that he does not want to share his inheritance with you?

See an attorney to protect your financial investment in your marriage.

The man who left his breadwinner wife sued and won support from her, got 1/2 of the house value from her etc. On top of not required to share his inheritance from his parents. (This is separate property unless he co-mingles his money with yours.)

Sounds like a legal separation, doesn't it?

I really don't know why I am sharing this with you, for all the heat I will be taking on from others for saying it out loud. And I hope it all works out best for you both. And you get your husband back soon.
The world all seems so upside down now.

Can you start to go out on regular and pleasant dates with him?

Your husband hasn't accepted what is going on yet. Sometimes it takes a LONG time for the actual child of the person to come to terms with going against their parent's wishes for their own safety and wellbeing. That was me for a long time, but moving house was never an option in my marriage, I knew that much. I am sorry. I hope he will figure it out soon.

It sounds as though DH and mom have a co-dependent relationship.

He says that she's independent, but he needs to stay?

Does he have cognitive issues? Mental health concerns?

My ex DW was a LonelySpouse…we were just last month divorced after forty years…in large part because I along with two siblings divide the year into thirds, taking turns caring for my 90-year-old mom with dementia in her home…which is only within driving distance of one of us. There is a care team in place as well, but for less than 40 hours per week.

We tell ourselves that we are doing the right thing, and being empathetic to our mother, who needs someone on her property all the time.

We think we are living according to the golden rule: treating our mother the way we would like to be treated (but almost certainly won’t be) if we were in her shoes. And I sincerely told my wife that I would embrace her spending 1/3 of the year caring for a parent. If life gave me that lemon, I would have zero problem making perfectly good lemonade from it.

So LonelySpouse, even if your spouse is only gone 33% of the time, it could torch your marriage.

And to other readers/commenters: what’s so bad about giving your widowed mother so much time and attention in the final 5-10 years of her life? Is this a case of the road to hell being paved with good intentions? Also, is it just my imagination, or do lots of husbands have a much easier time with their wives being wrapped up in caregiving for a parent than vice versa?

It's 6 months , OP is reasonable in thinking by now her husband should have gotten the mother some help coming in her home, or have her in assisted living so he could return to being a husband to his wife and not his mother.

My FIL's wife died last year. He was living in independent living in Florida but needed more help. We had been down to Florida 5 months earlier and tried to talk to FIL and his wife about assisted living. They refused. When the wife died it was apparent my FIL had declined since we saw him 5 months earlier. IN a matter of 6 WEEKS this is what was accomplished.

My husband picked up his Dad planned the funeral and we took him to his wife's funeral in NY.

Then my husband flew back to Florida with his Dad for a week to collect belongings to be sent to us and empty out apartment. And I might add, traveling by airplane with his father was a nightmare. His father was also horrendous during the packing process, He just wanted to be taken to his MANY favorite restaurants one more time before he left.

While they were in Florida I scheduled tours for AL for when they returned.

Then my husband and his father flew back to our house in Pennsylvania. He stayed at my house for 4 weeks while we toured assisted living facilities. FIL could not be left home alone, he would use the stove . I work out of the house. My husband had to work from home everyday instead of hybrid . By the third week of FIL staying with us his boss was getting annoyed. Husband had already taken time off with the funeral and flying back and forth he hadn't stepped foot inside the office building in weeks.

The weeks that FIL stayed with us were horrible.
First of all , he could not get up the stairs. My son had to come over and we moved a bed downstairs to my husband's office and moved my husband's desk upstairs . I ran to Target and bought a waterproof mattress cover. FIL wet on my couch 3 times. Left BM messes on the floor, faucet handles , fan switch , wall by the toilet paper, left wet wipes with BM top of the back of the toilet etc in the 1/2 bathroom, which became FIL bathroom while he stayed with us. He dragged BM on floors outside the bathroom that got on his shoes. I came home each day from work and cleaned. In the middle of this we took him on multiple tours for an AL, late afternoons.

We had to take him over to my daughters apartment to shower, she had an elevator in her building, but it was a bathtub. We had to help get him in and out of it which was more difficult then we thought it would be. After that we paid for a handicapped hotel room a couple of times just to use the shower.
When FIL finally chose an AL, the day he was moving out of my house he attempted to extract promises. He said " I'll go to this place but I want to be taken out to dinner twice a week and one day on the weekend. "

And my husband had to do all this and take his Dad to a lawyer to get POA, open a bank account local to pay his bills, get his Dad a PA photo ID at DMV. I"m sure I left something out. as a side note It took DH a year to figure out the financial mess that his father left .

If all this was done in 6 WEEKS while we worked, I think this OP's husband should have made enough progress by now to get home to his wife. OP's husband is long overdue in coming home.

Please don’t say “his Mom cannot live in our home. We don't have a downstairs shower/tub or bedroom”. The next step after that is a nice little addition including a shower and bedroom. Just stick to “Mom cannot live in our home”.

I think it is important to mention that his parents helped the husband with his recovery - in fact, both the husband and wife agreed that he should move in with them. So for a number of weeks, both thought it would be best for him to be recovering with his parents. The parents would have been on his "team" to help him (and been his "rock") while the wife continued with her life as usual.

With the husband's own health issues, his dad's decline and passing, and then his mom's re-adjustment to her new life, he is now facing a lot of challenges.

I understand that why the wife is, now, feeling lonely and depressed with the way that this situation has unfolded. This situation is difficult for everyone - the husband, the mom and the wife.

Yet, this scenario seems to be presented as being so polarized - his mother versus his spouse. The husband is suddenly forced to deal with not only his own grief over his dad's passing (and any estate issues), his worries about his mom and her health/needs, his health but also now, his wife (his purported "teammate") pushing him to choose between his mother (who needs him, for right or wrong) and her.

Being put into a forced choice situation between a wife and widowed mom, could (and frankly should) make the husband resentful. A true team would be working together to provide the widowed mom with the support that is needed. The only issue preventing her from living with the widowed mom is because she "demands takeout"? I wish that the wife would have some empathy for her husband as well as for the widowed mom - the wife is not being "cast aside" - her husband and his mom are struggling with the many losses that have occurred. Give them both some grace and maybe she can actually be the teammate that the wife purports herself to be, one who understands that her husband and his family have gone through a lot rather than becoming demanding herself.

There are two issues here, but they seem to have been melted onto one.

1. Husband went to stay, for recovery, in a single story home. Good solution.

2. Husband's patents were coping, then his Dad declined & moved into care. Mom now alone.

Now Husband feels responsibile for Mom, is this right? Because he is living her life with her.

Back to 1. Husband is well enough to come home. So he can.

2. Mom's life has changed a lot. She is now living like essentually like a living widow, with a husband to visit in care. Mom needs to evaluate her new situation. Try it. See if living alone will be ok.

I don't wish to rain down on an elderley, recently separated woman (separated for health needs). Yet, how much has her life changed? She has a new 'man' around the house.

Mom is facing this big life adjusment, yet she is not.

Mom will not see she needs help or needs fo change while her son is there doing everything for her.

I cannot even begin thank all of you enough for your advice, wisdom, and concern. ❤️

A few things I want to share based on what you've posted:

I am the breadwinner in my household. My work hours are steady, and my husband is self-sufficient now, so my work isn't really a barrier anymore. We agreed to have him move in with his parents right after he left the skilled nursing facility because we have a two-story house and theirs is a single-story, so he wouldn't be navigating stairs while home alone.

No conjugal visits, haha. We actually haven't been intimate in a long time due to his health. Yes, that depresses me even more, but it's a burden I've carried for years.

I do try to have fun on my own and "make lemonade" out of the situation...but I feel like my well is dry after living like this for so long.

We had a heart to heart (I didn't mention divorce) and he tells me he wants to come home and is going to talk to his Mom. But...he just doesn't see that she needs help. He sees her as self-sufficient, regardless of her communication gaps and forgetfulness. I believe it's going to take something catastrophic before the situation changes. In the meantime, I try to encourage him to take her to a lawyer, the bank, etc. to get her affairs in order. My biggest fear is that something will happen before he does...

File for divorce. See if that gets his attention.

His dad didn't really need to leave a will or trust, because his mom gets it all now anyway. A POA has no power after someone dies.

What he does need to do it take HER to an attorney and set up POA, a will, and a trust ASAP.

With luck, she's not so far gone mentally to be unable to understand what she's signing, but he really needs to get this done because when she dies everything will be a mess. At the very least, he needs to take Mom to the bank and get on her accounts as a co-signer (preferably a co-owner).

AFTER he gets that handled, then he needs to make decisions about her situation and come home.

Maybe if you changed your work hours he would not be alone so much if he came home?

Are you 💯 percent sure he’s living with his parents all the time? Have you made any surprise visits? Or did you both think his elderly parents would nurse him back to health? In later paragraph, I see that his dad passed away…is hubby doing all chores & stuff his dad did? Not fair…but he’s going to drive himself in the ground…Hugs 🤗

Lonely spouse, I regret your husband's absence from your home and your life. Please see a really good counselor to talk over your feelings of abandonment, as these feelings are real and valid. At the same time, perhaps it's time to begin talks with a good attorney regarding a separation that might lead to an actual divorce. At least you would have 'all your cards on the table' with a lawyer, and would know where you would stand financially, were a divorce to be your eventual choice. That does not mean I am telling you to divorce! But, to have all financial matters spelled out and clarified, would at least add 'fact based' decision making to your problem solving. I really regret this is happening to you!

LonelySpouse: There appears to be something askew 'from the jump,' e.g. if DH (Dear Husband) believes that his mom is so independent, he would have returned to you a while ago.

I was that person that put my husband on the back burner on and off for years while caring for my parents who lived a mile away. I came home every night though and I had a patient husband . He had his moments where he got angry. We rarely argued though , and at times he even did some of the long drives with me for doctors appts . My father was reasonable and appreciative . My mother was horrendous .

I was not willing to stay overnight at my parents , so when it became necessary first Dad went in hospice in a nursing home for 3 months until he died . Then a year later Mom’s dementia got worse and I put her in AL . She passed 19 months later .

Now it’s reversed . My FIL is in AL the past 18 months with dementia and is demanding etc . DH has asked me a number of times “ how did you do this so many years with your parents ?” . ( And I spent more time with my parents than he spends with his Dad). He drags his feet and dreads visiting him just to get more complaints etc ,

I hope this works out the way you both want it to.

For three years before her death my MIL was my husband’s priority. It was very difficult. Lots of friction with the other brother and his wife on top of dealing with an old lady with COPD and emphysema. . And many days it was hard not to resent that she came first with my husband. I had to realize I was not driving this bus, I was merely a passenger sitting way in the back.

I decided to make it into a positive situation and maintain a positive outlook . I continued to work full time and put a lot of money away into my retirement savings. I rekindled friendships with old friends and went to lots of theater, out for drinks after work and had some great times with them, I took Zumba classes and never looked better thanks to dear MIL.

Fact is I had a really good time. It could have continued forever as far as I was concerned. Then she died and we had to readjust. I miss those days. I was out nearly every night. Lots of fun.

The other DIL was not pleased that I didn’t pitch in but I did not care one iota.

The moral of the story is when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Lord! Have mercy! What a mess! I’m going to be praying that God process His plan for each of your lives. If something occurs that’s seemingly tragic—just remember, God turns things to our good.

Dear Lonely Spouse,
Have you changed your work hours?

Just you make sure you stick to your guns about your MIL not moving into your house. Your situation certainly sounds like one where mom will be getting moved in. Please don't get talked into it.

Tell your husband that he is not a child anymore and it's time to come home and live with his wife.
His mother can be moved into assisted living.

Don't take no for an answer.

Im happy your husband made a full recovery & then some...

Please meet with an Elder Law Attorney together (so that you two can get on the same page). Please ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate Mom for placement. Please make an appointment with a marriage counselor, because "it takes two."

This post literally hurt to read.

While my DH soesn't live with his mom, in many ways, he may as well be doing so.

ALL his 'emotional' energy goes to her. I get the dregs.

Nothing will change until she dies. I can see him moving in with her, eventually. He is so depressed b/c of AND FOR her b/c she has no friends. Not just becasue eberyone her age died, but b/c she SHOVES people away. Neighbors, family--she's lonely, yes, and that's sad, but she did it to herself.

Now DH is trying to fill all those 'lonely' gaps.

Funny, how he never thought about ME being lonely once all the kids had left the nest and he was still traveling 3 weeks a month.

I hope you have better luck getting your DH to listen to you. I have given up with mine. We went for a drive in the mountains yesterday and he snarked at me the entire day. By dinner, I was almost in tears. I KNOW it's displaced anger and depression, but by darn, I AM NOT THE CAUSE of his mom's issues. Somehow he turns all the blame around to me. We got home. I got into my PJs and went to bed to read. I know he felt bad---but he doesn't have the words "I'm sorry" in his vocab, so I'll never hear them.

I think the idea of living separately money-wise may be very good. And seeking for actrivities that don't include him. My DH plans his week around his mother's care and I get what's left over.

I can do this for 6 more months, but I think that's it. Something has to break--and I think it will be me. Right now, and for the past 9 months, we've lived and breathed for his mother. He forgot both my birthday and our anniversary, he was so focused on his mom. My kids were furious with him over that.

You can only take so much hurt before it really starts to deflate you.

IDK what you should do--but I hope you take care of you. Nobody takes care of me--but me.

Hold firm on not letting MIL move in. DH thought for a bit that that would be great---for our situation--and he quickly was disabused of it, b/c she would have taken over OUR bedroom and bath and been the queen of the hive.

Well--I would leave him if he did that, so I don't worry about it.

For God’s sake don’t live with mom!

Your Husbands Father just passed - he has a lot to take care of there besides his mother and you can only do the work and find documents at their House . He will return eventually when legal matters are settled like property tax . There is a lot to take care of once someone passes .

Sounds like his parents were there when he needed them and he feels the need to return the favor. Does your husband work? Is that when his mom is left alone? I don't know how you are going to get him back. He has to want to come back and he has to be open to placing his mom. Doesn't sound like he wants to do either at the moment. It may take an incident to happen for him to see that his mom needs more care than he can provide. Have you asked your husband if he wants to come home?

From what you have written, not sure you can get husband to come home. Seems he wants to be the one carrying for Mom and does not want to put her in care. So now you need to make plans. I agree, get a bank acct of your own and start putting that pay check in it. Tell DH that you have left him his to draw from.

If you do not want to divorce, consider yourself a widow. Start doing things on your own. Find like friends. They are out there. Your just going to have to make a life of ur own.

"Dad never set up a will/trust and my husband never got power of attorney for anything" POA stops at death so has nothing to do with Dad anymore. Husband needs to have Mom assign him POA before she is formally diagnosed with Dementia. He gets it for immediate so he can handle her finances and medical now. No need for a Doctor or Doctors to declare her incompetent. If she has assets, she needs a Will.

I too thought my life was going well. We bought a house, a year later we had our first child, and then...my ex came home and said he did not want to be married anymore. My life came crashing down. I had a baby and no job. I had to move home because the house sold in a week. But, I did find a job and moved out of my parents a year later. Starting dating a man I dated before I was married. We married, he adopted my DD, we had one of our own and have been married 42 years. My ex did me a great favor.

It looks like your hubby has left to go back to Mom. There is certainly nothing we here can suggest to bring him back that you have not already suggested. He has been in medical care himself, and at this point is almost certainly going to end up there again. At that point you are going to need to call APS for his Mom as her age and decline is certain from all you say, and she wouldn't be safe alone. I have to hope he isn't her POA or guardian. I would leave that to the state as it sounds like your husband, with his issues (you don't mention what they are) sounds not capable of acting as POA, and not wise enough to place his Mom in care.
Push will come to shove in all this as either Mom or hubby will have a decline. Until then I am afraid you are on your own, so make yourself a life best as you can.

If he BELIEVES mom is independent then he should be able to return to his home and family.
Obviously this is not true, mom is NOT independent. He is propping her up giving the illusion of independence.
Honestly I can not see your husband moving back home unless one of these scenarios occurs:
1) Mom has a drastic decline and he can not manage to care for her and he realizes that she needs 24/7 care. That could be in a facility or mom begins to pay for caregivers in her home.
2) Some catastrophic event causes mom to be hospitalized and then rehab. Maybe at that point she may need Skilled Nursing or he realizes she needs Long Term Care facility.

I really dislike ultimatums but next time you see your husband begin by handing him a box of a lot more of his possessions (things like books, and other items that he does not actually "need") and have a sheet of paper and begin talking about splitting possessions and assets. See what his response to that is.

This doesn't sound like much of a marriage.