My husband has had his share of health issues, and I have always been by his side as he recovers - I have supported him through quite a bit and we've made a good team! Recently, he became quite ill and needed to go into a rehab/skilled nursing facility for about a month to regain the strength and coordination to walk. When he was released, we decided it was best for him not to go home to our home because he'd be alone all day as my job keeps me out for 10-14 hours a day. He moved in with his elderly parents, and was going to stay a few weeks until I could change my work schedule.
Just as he recovered and gained strength, his Dad started to decline. Classic dementia (inability to swallow) and sundowning. Dad went to the hospital and was released to skilled nursing. My husband remained at their house to look after his Mom, as she can't hear/use the phone and is forgetful (leaving food on the counter instead of in the fridge, etc.).
Sadly, Dad passed and with him went all of the support Mom depended on. She's never had an ATM card, paid the bills, scheduled her own appointments, or even called in a prescription. She doesn't drive and her days are spent sleeping until 10-11am, watching TV, and rummaging through the clutter in her house. She often asks my husband to go get fast food or takeout because she doesn't want to cook....which he does, on our dime.
My husband now has to deal with his Dad's affairs and keep an eye on his Mom...and this is not going to be a quick process as his Dad never set up a will/trust and my husband never got power of attorney for anything. I want my husband to come home and I believe his Mom needs to be in either a senior living facility or a skilled nursing facility. The home she lives in has a lot of clutter on the floors, and she has zero safety equipment in the bathroom...meaning she's getting in and out of a bathtub daily without rails or assistance at 92 years old! I'm truly afraid she will fall and break a hip, and not even know how to get help if no one is there!
My husband believes Mom is still independent and not in need of in-home care, but he won't leave his Mom and come home, either. When I suggest getting her some part-time in-home care he defends her every move...even things that he knows aren't safe or logical.
It's been six months since my husband and I lived in the same home and I just want him back. I am so lonely and depressed. We see each other at least every few days...but we are drifting apart. I can't see this situation continuing much longer. I was my husband's rock when he needed me, and I've literally been cast aside because he won't admit his Mom needs help or to move into assisted living.
Just a side note...Mom cannot move into our house. We don't have a downstairs bedroom or bath/shower. I also could not stay sane if I had to live with her, because she'd demand takeout one too many times....
He's keeping her out of AL or the NH.
Maybe she would be receptive to some type of home care in lieu of being in a facility? Husband could subtly suggest this?
The husband is destroying his marriage. And if his mother moves in with them, that will only accelerate the process.
Don't say no
Don't say nothing's wrong
'Cause when you get back home
Maybe I'll be gone, oh
It would cause me pain
If we were to end it
But I could start again
You can depend on it
And I know I'm right
For the first time in my life
That's why I tell you
You'd better be home soon
Thankyou Neil Finn for these apt words. Apparently inspired by a speech his wife gave him when he was away touring a lot.
He said it saved their marriage.
In fact, you can use that line if you wish. Confront him. Tell him you're tired of it, and if he wants to stay married to you, he has to act like a husband.
The first consultation with a divorce lawyer is usually free. If you see one, and if you find out what your rights are, and if you tell your husband you've seen a lawyer, that might scare the bejesus out of him. It is absolutely not okay for him to dictate to you that you must live alone because he has to take care of this burdensome woman who seems never to have become a real adult. Now, with dementia, she never will.
If you see a lawyer, be sure to take all financial information to the appointment. Where the money is, how your marital home expenses are paid, information about mortgages, deeds, salaries, pensions, etc. You may find out that you're better off without him financially, emotionally and in every other way.
You get the house, he gets mom and her house, and you find a boyfriend who actually enjoys spending time with you. Sound good?
I'd ask hubs if he'd like a divorce since he's abandoned you for his mother? Tell him what you told us, that you're very lonely and depressed. That you've been his rock for ages, and now that YOU need HIM, he's cast you aside. Mother belongs in Assisted Living and he can manage her finances from your home. He can visit her there on a reasonable schedule. You're happy to help him sell her home and facilitate the move, but if he's unwilling, then you're considering it as abandonment of the marriage.
Good luck to you.
Lay it out to your husband, it is either me or her, pick one and go from there.
My mother is 98, MIL could live another 5 years or so, time for a reality check.
Good Luck!
Your husband should go to an elder care attorney about getting POA or emergency guardianship so his mother can be placed in an appropriate facility using His Mothers money . Hopefully some other people post with other ideas of how to have your husband be able to get your MIL placed and for him to have access of his mothers funds to pay for her care , including selling her house if she owns her home .
He also should not be buying her takeout with his money . I went through that with my hubby the last 18 months. I finally got him to stop using our money to bring take out food to his father in AL . He now keeps the receipts and once a month pays himself back from his fathers bank account . Hubby is POA .
Good luck.
1) You move into MIL’s house, perhaps Friday and Saturday nights each week for a while. You dictate the food, and insist that MIL cooks with you. No more take-out junk food – it’s expensive and unhealthy. Especially none that you are effectively paying for. Rock the boat.
2) You start chucking out the ‘clutter’ in MIL’s house. Get a bin of some sort and fill it up. If MIL objects, and H says no, ask him how he thinks it will dealt with in some other way. Or is he planning to stay there for years? Ignore the objections. Rock the boat some more.
3) Develop some jobs at your house, that H would normally do. Swap houses for a few days, so he goes back home and gets the jobs done, while you work on things being different with MIL.
4) How old are you? Develop your own social life, even if you would prefer H’s company. Brag to H about the older guys who find you interesting. Aim for jealousy. Don’t let him see you as just sitting at home waiting for him to come back any time he feels like it.
5) Where is the money coming from to keep this show on the road? Are you working? What is H’s income and where does it come from? Same for MIL. Open a bank account in your sole name, and put your income into it. Let the balance in the joint account run down so money becomes a bigger issue. (Transfer half the joint account balance into it if you wish) Don’t prop up the whole thing.
6) Face the fact that some men really will put their mothers first, for years and years and years. If this is not going to be acceptable for you, it’s worth finding it out now. At least set yourself up for separation, if that’s what is on the cards for the future. Don’t let it all get to be ‘normal’.
Good luck!