How to cope with a MIL, who was only to stay temporary, but since has changed to long-term?

Think about the irreversible damage she caused your family and move her back to her home. No guilt or obligation is worth the damage to your son.

Often, people come here once, to vent their frustrations and we never hear from them again.

Just want to say, the OP has not responded to any replies and there are 32 answers.

Love these answers. Be firm. Stand up for yourself and entire family. Even when husband objects (which he probably will), you say (as long as it is true) either his mother goes or you go AND it is very easy to "fix" but mom has to no longer live with you. We can love people and no be able to live with them and their behaviors. Get mom out even if to AL and repair your marriage. You may find your husband thanks you for it.
AND regardless - set up son and mom time and son and father time - no excuses, DO IT!

Sadiesue23,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! We brought my dad into our home in November. It has totally changed our lives too. Our cat died in December. We think it could have been kidney issues, but we are unsure. Recently, my dad stepped on our German Shepherd mix that is 14 years old. It's not hard to see her. She already has arthritis. My dad scared her a lot by slapping his leg. Not sure why that is. My husband and I are having issues too. Our marriage wasn't the best when we decided to bring him here. I kept asking God for help with everything. My dad is up already. He has been up since probably about 2:30 this morning. The sleep supplements and medicine don't seem to work at all! I too feel like I am doing everything! Info all the clean you, showers, washing, most of the cleaning. It's a lot! I'm not sure what the answer is. My husband is also hard to talk to. Guess it depends on if you love him enough to stay with it. Do you have another place to stay? I currently don't have a really good paying job so I'm here for now. I don't want to lose our dog either. Hopefully on Sept 30th, my dad can move into a memory care home if everything goes smoothly!

I wish you all the best for you and your family! This is so difficult for everyone!

🙏🙏🙏❤️🙏🙏🙏

I haven’t been in your situation, but I’d suggest just you and your son going out for a weekend or just a full day, do things he loves to do - play ball, rent a paddle board, paintball, whatever he likes. Call it ‘Brian’s ( insert kid’s name here ) Day’. At some point briefly tell him you know things are difficult with MIL in the house , and you’re working on solving that. Then of course you start working on it! But make a full day of Doing Fun Stuff.

Make it a minor tradition. Have a Father-Son only fun days too. Work on getting MIL out but don’t mention that every time. Have a mother-son fun day doing stuff you like to do too, but that he’ll enjoy also. That way he’ll see you’re taking care of yourself as well.

I say this because I had one sibling who was often awful to be around, and I didn’t like being around Mom either. The times I got to spend horsing around with just Dad are some of my best memories. We played ball, watched games, and ate food with lots of cheese. It was glorious.

Best of luck, and have some good times with your kid

I had a husband who could not stand up to his mother. Ever. I was always number 2 after she moved to town (living with me for six months- long story) then when I had children I was number 4. She spoke ill of me to my friends, family, husband, children, neighbors and church members. It ruined our marriage- there was always a gap between us which she created and tried hard to widen. I think she was divorced and wanted my husband to divorce me. Now he is deceased (at 64) of pancreatic cancer and I am the POA etc. for a 98 year old stubborn and selfish woman. No help and I’m not in her will. When are you going to live your own life? Start now because who knows what will happen tomorrow to you or your husband? Set boundaries! With a therapist, pastor, social worker, smart friend, or attorney….make a plan. Tell your husband what you think is best. You must think of your child who deserves to be raised in a loving, supportive home where he is safe. And you all deserve to live your lives. I understand respecting your elders, but that doesn’t mean being a doormat to anyone including your husband and child. We feel guilty, but you are not creating the situation. I believe you can do this. It is the right thing to do to move her out either to assisted-living or back to her home and if she needs help coordinating all that - the other siblings need to step up and take a turn now. You are done. Be strong, be clear and be definite. God help me I don’t ever want to be this kind of burden to my children. I want to be a joy and blessing to them and so far, so good! God bless you and good luck. She’s brought this on herself and guess what - I bet she’ll be happier on her own too. Because no one is happy now. Give it a try. You can do it.

Time for mil to go
look at options
if she stays your marriage will break up
your hubby needs to support you otherwise end result is a no win situation for you
speak to hubby explain. It was short term and her presence is now causing too much stress for everyobe
she needs assisted care
which you’re unable to provide n must consider the health of your family suffering.
bear in mind this is your hubby’s mother and he will be torn in two by this decision
the correct adult decision is to accept you and family have made sacrifices and it is now detrimental to their health and to the family who’s dynamics have changed due to the stress. Let’s hope your husband is emotionally mature enough to make the right decision
mother in law needs to go- it’s not her house or her place to interfere with your children
I would look into care options and prepare mil house then announce we are moving you back tomorrow sort of thing so there’s no extended drama
get care organised
you have been a saint

I am not nearly as patient of kind as you are. When someone hurts my family, I become big and ugly. I think you should, too, to save your family. I would straighten her out with a strength in your voice that says ENOUGH. And if she once again says something to your son or gets involved, get loud and rude and tell her "Mind your own business because I don't want to hear another word. And you (son) only listen to me not her." It's time you got rude. I get the feeling in your post that you are way too passive with someone who's pretty much taken over your family and life. Enough is enough. She's got a home. Tell your husband you're packing her bags and moving her out NOW. She's healed. She can go home. Also, don't expect your husband to help. It sounds like he's avoiding his mother and won't stand up for you. Expect that. Get her out and then you can start to repair the damage she's done to your marriage and son. Take no prisoners or you will end up divorced because of this wretched old woman.

The lesson here is to never fall for their “temporary living” excuse. They plan on staying until they die. Many of us here are learning that the hard way. Just think if you were in an old person’s position would you rather live alone, in a nursing home with possibly abusive staff, or with your child and his spouse whom you can boss around in the comfort of their home? It’s a no-brainer.

It is very difficult to move them out. They will be angry and guilt trip you. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and you need to be there to support him when you both tell her that she will move back into her house. This is unsustainable and your son’s mental health and well-being should come first. Arrange for a caregiver and your son needs to tell his sister to start stepping up either financially or emotionally with more visits to mom’s house. This cannot fall entirely on your shoulders. I've had enough with my own mother. I certainly wouldn't make this sort of sacrifice for a MIL.

Since she is healed of her physical issues, it would be wise for you and your husband - TOGETHER - to talk to his mom. Explain that you were happy to help her when she needed it for her ________ . Now that she is healed, it is time for her to return to her home. Talk with her about what is needed to help her move back to her house. Agree with her about date(s) to move her things back into her home and for her to move back into her home permanently. Get her whatever help she needs - within reason. Do not waffle on date she is to move out of your home and into her own home.

Hi Sadiesue,

You could really do with assertiveness training!
It's sad that you don't feel able to speak with your husband and that, rather than have a difficult conversation, you are thinking about separating.

We teach our children by example. Right now, you and your husband are teaching your son that adults hide from problems, that they allow others to walk over them, that their wellbeing isn't important and that his parents don't care enough about him to make sure his grandmother isn't mean to him.


You need to steel yourself and confront your MiL. When you're alone, tell her that you've found a nice AL for her to move to, seeing as she isn't able to move back home. Tell her that you have made an appointment for her to look round it in the next week. When she says she doesn't need that or want that, feign surprise and say, "Okay, we'll take you home next weekend".

Forget talking to your husband first - he's clearly incapable of standing up to his mum. Tell him, when he gets home from work, that your MiL is going home because she doesn't feel that she needs any help now.

It will cause a ruckus, but is that really any worse than what you're dealing with?
You can't keep running away from the situation - it's making you unhappy and causing your son emotional issues. You need to be a family again. And you need to stand up for yourself and your family (as does your husband, but he hasn't asked for advice).

I was fortunate enough to go on an assertiveness course run by a charitable organisation that helps people back into work after illness. However, there are self help books on the subject and other information online.
I also think that CBT and building resilience can help with becoming stronger and more assertive.
Do whatever you can to be more confident and in charge of your life. You deserve that and so does your son.

Good luck,

Seems that MIL has done what is described as "nesting", meaning she has become comfortable where she is at. It may be tough to get her out.

What everyone has said here.

I have to say that I am NOT a patient person, and am not afraid to speak up...rather loudly. If she started telling me what to do I would let her know right away, and in no uncertain terms that she either keeps her opinions to herself, or you would be happy to take her back to her own home.

Personally, if she can care for herself, I would opt for just taking her to her home regardless.

Do you have family you and your son could stay with for a few weeks to let your husband see what it would be like to deal with her by himself? That might be an option to get him to see it your way....?

I remember when my moms mom moved in with us. I was about 12 and one day my grandma yelled at my dad. OOH my daddy just had enough. He said to her - this is my house you will not yell at me if you want to stay here. You can live here or get your own place but you will NOT yell at me in my house. That was the last time she yelled at him and she stayed. I don't know if my mama ever knew about daddy yelling at her mother but my parents were married until my mama's death.
So the point is... its your house and if you want peace and don't like what is going on you will need to take a stand. If MIL can take care of herself she will move if she doesn't like your conditions. Husband needs to wake up.

I agreed to take in my MIL on Feb 1, 2021. She had been in a covid recovery facility over an hr away. It was the right thing to do and we could accommodate. We didn’t have any idea what that meant then and how it might play out but it was a decision I was in agreement with. Since then, our lives have changed 100%. My wife doesn’t have outside employment and is the primary caregiver for her mom, but I am definitely second, and have completely changed my hourly, weekly, monthly schedule as she has had peaks and valleys regarding her health and is 100% dependent on us for help with almost everything. She’s definitely not getting stronger or healthier with each passing day.
I’d say the biggest realization we’ve had, is how quickly other family have stepped back and stopped socializing and showing their concern. We aren’t a nursing home, and she has many local relatives that could lean in more, not on her diaper changes and medication management and stuff we assumed, but you know just calling or visiting their mom. But they only seem to do that on birthdays or Mother’s Day…when we would actually like a break! It’s hard, thankless work. If you can’t see yourself doing this for the next few years…address it now. God bless!

Couldn’t you just come right out and say “now that you’re healed up it’s time to get you back home.” Why is it even up for a discussion? She has a home, and it was clear when she came it was only temporary. I may be off base, but if you leave it up for a debate that is what she will give you reasons to stay. Sounds like you are the one dealing with her while your husband goes on his merry way. It must be extremely exhausting dealing with MIL or a Mother that disrupts and interferes with your raising your own child and life with your spouse. You have a right and responsibility to raise your family in harmony and happiness. Blessings to you.

Sounds like a nightmare. I lasted 8 months with my MIL here with my husband and I and our 4 year old. She also brought her dog that was incontinent. She sat on our couch day in and day out crying everyday. She became reliant on us for EVERYTHING. It was so annoying. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I stayed polite but became very distant. We used to be very Close. Even my 4 year old couldn’t stand her after some time. I think she saw how miserable everyone was and finally decided to move. Hang in there. You and your husband have to be in the same team to get her out.

Your MIL HAS come to depend on you. The more you take on the more difficult it will be. You have to protect your own family. Call a family meeting with her other children and TALK about your concerns and possible solutions (being in your home with your chid is not a possible solution). Pay attention to the things you see happening. You can’t go back and fix it so stop and fix it now. You know what you need to do so do it and don’t wait for someone to give you permission. Apparently your husband is unable to make the move to lay it all on the table and make a change, so it has to be you. As far her other children are concerned, unless you talk to them, they will not know what kind of stress this has put on you. You can discuss this respectfully, hire an elder attorney to understand how things work, and get the paperwork in place for you and husband to be her legal power. Don’t wait or your parenting will continue to suffer, your child’s behavior will suffer more, your husband’s staying away will increase, and you will become angry and bitter about it all. If you don’t do something now, future problems will be your fault because you failed to act.

You and your husband need to compromise on a decision to move your mother in law out or your marriage will break apart. He needs to accept the fact that she cannot live under the same roof with your family. This is not a comedy sitcom. You may have to agree to marriage counseling and/or give your husband an ultimatum.

You say your husband "seems to be struggling with the situation". You really have not had a discussion with him about it? If it's bothering you so much that you are considering separation, you have to talk to him, even if he "can be difficult discussing sensitive topics". Apparently you two have a communication problem. Either mother-in-law is told that she is upsetting your happiness in your own home with her behavior and becomes more agreeable or she goes back home. She may not be capable of being more agreeable, so he should help her pack and get her set up with whatever help she needs at her own home. This is for him to do. She is his mother. The home you have belongs to the 3 of you, not her.

I have lived through this. GET HER OUT. Your family stability and mental health is your priority. Assuming she can still live on her own, she needs to go home NOW.

If this was temporary, she has heeled and she has a house to go to...time to go home. She is wearing out her welcome. Its time to tell her this arrangenent is no longer working, time to return to her own home. This is your home and MIL or not she does not tell you how to live in your home. She does not tell her how to raise your son. I doubt very much if she allowed her MIL to do it. Maybe your husband agrees with you but does not know how to approach her. Then you will need to be the bad guy and probably will suffer for it till her dying day. Again, just say not working mainly because she does not respect the standing you have in your own house. Its your house not hers. Your son, not hers. Time to go home.

Yeah, temporary move-ins are never temporary.

PS if you want a softer approach..

A date night meal out with your husband would be a great starting point. Not even to chat about MIL but to reconnect. Plan a weekend away, take your son. To reconnect the 3 of you. Remind your Husband what familylife of 3 was like!

Then have a few date nights with your Husband. Start the chat about MIL. Make your plans together.

There is one too many Queens in your Castle.

Unless you want to be enslaved & belittled, you must rise up, restore yourself as rightful Queen & banish the elder one.

I don't mean to trivialise or demonize. Mother's in law get enough bad rap.. But this situation pops up a LOT.
One Queen must rule.

This is accomplished by some hard chats. Be polite but FIRM.

Hard Chat #1. With Husband.
Time is up. Our GIFT of short-term accom for your Mother is now up.
Move her on. Back to her home or onto a sibling. But OUT.
Your Mom - your job. Start it.

Hard Chat #2. With MIL.
Sit down & present as a combined force. This is important. Some self-centered Mothers will attempt to stay #1 woman in their son's life Way Too Long. It needs to be crystal clear.. this is your marital home. MIL is a GUEST. Staying with your family was a GIFT. You came together when needed (that's what family is for) but now it is time to spread out again. That is healthy & respectful.

Plan your chats. Choose your style.

Pick a calm time to start as strong emotions can be unleashed. Be prepared for this to be process. (It would be amazing if one chat did it!)

Hi Sadie, I lived your nightmare. We were a happy family of four my husband myself and our two daughters and then my MIL got here. My FIL passed away and she made everyone miserable because she was alone in her apartment. She cried all the time and always hinted about moving in with us and I never bit. Then she pulled the I can’t stay alone anymore I’m losing my mind. Well my husband’s brother and his wife were immediately on board to have her move in with them but that wasn’t good enough she wanted to share herself with everyone! So she got rid of her apartment and moved in with my BIL and SIL and kept trying for here. I protested and my husband and I fought constantly because I didn’t want her here. It was supposed to be a month here a month there and each month there was a two hour trip to go get her and a two hour trip to bring her back. The brothers met half way and she paid rent every month wherever she stayed. After holding her off for about 6 months she came here for her first month. If I can tell you it was a life changer and not in a good way. I used to be her favorite DIL we really got along well and she and I couldn’t stand my SIL but once she pulled this I put her on ignore all I could and whatever relationship we had was just gone because I felt so betrayed. So much so that instead of eating together I’d let them eat early and my daughters and I would eat later. She ruined our family life because my husband didn’t want to be the bad son when his brother and his brothers wife were all for it. They smelled money and figured it was best to keep her close by. So here a month there a month it was horrible! You’d just about start to feel like everything was normal and there she was walking back in the door again!
I should have mentioned that when my FIL a passed away she gave each of her sons $$$$. Then she split her bank accounts between her two sons. I told my BIL DO NOT spend that money it’s not yours and if she needs LTC Medicaid will come looking for that money. Well of course BIL didn’t listen spent all the money and MIL’s health started to decline. I dodged the bullet because I saw it coming and made up every excuse I could to stop her from coming here. I knew if she was here and she had a medical issue we’d be majorly screwed. So BIL and SIL got stuck dealing with everything because she was there when she fell in the bathroom and fractured both her knees after sliding in talcum powder they told her not to use! That was my worst fear that my daughters and I would end up being her caretaker because I knew my husband wouldn’t do a damn thing to help!
MIL passed away at 93 a year ago April but she really fractured our family and things are still not even close to being right. I have a lot of resentment towards my MIL and towards my husband because he didn’t honor his marriage vows and cleave to his wife! I get that he would have been fine with my mom being here BUT I would have taken care of her without a question and wouldn’t have shirked my duties like he would have. When you live with someone for decades you know them and you know their abilities to cope with caregiving. My husband would have run the other way instead of changing anyones diaper, or cleaning up vomit … My BIL on the other hand did that and more … any wonder why his wife was ok with it and I wasn’t?
So Sadie, my advice to you is get your MIL out before you really have a bigger problem than you do now. What happens if she gets sick? Are you ready to take on that role? Is your husband? Remember the longer she stays the more settled she’ll be and the harder it will be to show her the EXIT sign!

Hi Sadie - after you have the discussion with your husband that his mother really needs to return to her home, if it's easier, you can come up with an excuse when you both let her know that she'll be going back home - such as, it's wonderful news that she's healed and doing so well, which is perfect timing because you'll need the use of the bedroom that she's been using in your home.

You can blame it on work - if you're not currently working, tell her that you've gotten a job where you'll be working from home and the bedroom will be turned into your home-office. Or, if you're currently working, you can tell her that you'll still be turning the room into a home-office for the days you're working remotely. Or, your husband needs to turn the room into his home-office since he works overtime. Anyway, the room needs to be used for something!

Wishing you all the best!

My grandmother (dad's mom) played this stunt with my mother. She and granddad had a falling out of sorts and she left home. The house was already full with four kids, dad and mom. She drove my mother insane.

Her husband called and told her to bring her posterior home. Granddad had her number and told grandma that he knew she was getting on everyone's nerves at this point.

Granddad sent money for a bus ticket. Grandma packed her bag and dad took her to the bus station. There is nothing worse than a meddling and cranky mother in-law to contend with.

Pack her bags and return her to her home.
If she will not go then consider moving YOURSELF into her home so she and your hubby can enjoy YOUR home.
If that doesn't work contact your preference of a divorce attorney or an eviction attorney.