I have been taking care of mom for the last 3 yrs in her home 24/7. She is 95 yrs old. She has had several falls. This last time she fell she broke her hip and had a partial hip replacement surgery. She has been in a rehab facility for the last 2 months with therapy. Therapy now feels that she has reached her plateau and there is nothing else they can do for her. She is a lot weaker since her fall and had mild dementia. I was always able to lift her at home with some of her assist, now I cannot lift her. She is dead weight. I am going on 70 yrs old and therapy feels it is not safe for her or I to return her home. They have recommended moving her to long term. My siblings and I have tried to come up with solutions and there are no other options other than for me to continue to care for her in the home and take the risk of one of us getting hurt. She is very strong minded and stubborn, and I know will fight not going home. I am expecting some many emotions from her, anger, blame, depression and possibly withdraw. How do I deal with this guilt that I am letting her down and help her and myself accept this new normal? Help!
Let your Mom have her rage and her tears. In fact, cry with her. Tell her you are sorry, but you can no longer care for her. Tell her you hurt and feel guilty and wish this were not so.
And tell her finally that it is so, and that her tears are justified, and that her rage at all that is happening to her is justified, and that you understand, and that you will visit her.
My dear, guilt in not appropriate here. You did not cause this for your mother and therefore you literally CANNOT be guilty.
You cannot FIX this for your mother. And therefore you cannot be guilty.
What you are feeling is best filed under the other g-word, as I call it--grief.
We want to avoid grief for ourselves and for others. And we will do anything to avoid it. We will blame doctors and facilities and all sorts of thing to prevent having to face that this was inevitable, and that you are losing your mom, who you hoped to keep safe until she could go, but who is NOT going, and who you cannot care for any more.
This isn't going to be fun for anyone. This is sad and it is worth grieving however that manifests. I am so sorry. We just had a poster here who said he didn't want to hear that people are sorry. But honestly, what else is there to say? You are sorry. We are all sorry. It is a part of life, this grief, the cost of love and family.
I wish you the very best. Correct that word "guilt" to "grief" I beg you. The words we tell our circling brains are very important.
Let common sense override guilt and obligation whereby you acknowledge your age and limitations now. An elder caring for another elder is not a doable situation anymore. Long term care for mother is the ONLY solution for both of you.
Best of luck.
Ive watched (and helped) my 72 year old MIL take care of her 95 plus year old parents for years. Her sister, slightly younger, helps. It’s still too much. The only good thing is grandma is finally in AL. They still do more for her than they should. Grandma felt the shower help was too intrusive, because she just needs someone near, not to actually be bathed. But it’s still better for all that grandma is in AL.
Trying to keep an aging elder in their home can become a burden that quickly outweighs your ability to maintain some sense of equlibrium in your life. (and the life of other family members).
At 95, she has already outlived her 'quota' for lack of a better word.
I am 67, but no way could I lift my MIL to help her. My Dh is a big man, but he comes home from a day with her care and it takes him a couple of days to recover. Emotionally AND physically. He and his sibs will never, under ANY circumstances allow their mother to enter a NH. So they go about ruining their lives, their spouses lives and even affecting their grandkids--all in the name of keeping one sick, old lady 'independent'.
Yes. she'd be furious at moving to a NH. But she's furious NOW.
I had a visit with my cardiologist yesterday. The 'spillover' stress is causing ME to have heart issues. Now I have to treat MY problems b/c my DH will NOT listen to reason and continues to put his mom first.
PLease consider all the players in this 'game' before you bring mom back home to live. The care is far worse than having a new baby (and you're not in your 20's with the accompanying energy!)
Despite lifelong back problems and 3 surgeries in my youth, I was sailing along fine for the most part until I hit 80. The next five years were slower-go but still O.K. At about 85 I started transitioning from the slow-go to no-go phase--which is continuing. So far, 2 years later, I'm still doing ADLs/IADL's, albeit not as easily. Still, that's a plus. I have no ambition to be a "super-ager". I hope to make my Final Exit BEFORE I get to the 100% no-go stage!
My spouse is 94, still upright and fairly mobile, although he has balance issues. There are some short-term memory glitches, and he can't always come up with the right word for things, but I think he's doing better than I am physically. Go figure.
Contact Council on Aging in your area and ask for an assessment. They will be able to make recommendations on what steps to take next for your mother.
You have a responsibility to take care of yourself too. Your emotional and physical health are equally important as your mom’s well being.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
You have done so much already . No guilt is warranted. It is sadness and grief that will be present .
If the aides and/or nurses don't act fast enough, a call to the head boss and/or DON would be in order.
Bonus, aides, nurses must still treat the resident with dignity and respect no matter if the aide/ nurse is seething inside.
I give her props. She took full advantage of the Resident's Rights last month, and called in boss lady, the DON. The DON was in the section every morning to make sure things were getting down.
Now, this resident gets cleaned when she wants, gets extra blankets and has the lids on her foods and drinks lifted for her viewing ( she probably can do this herself ). Also, when she wants to be put in bed before supper, she usually gets her wish to be in bed before supper. Again if there is any issue/problems m, the appropriate person ( usually DON) will take care of it.
She's sometimes not the nicest to the aides or nurses but there is not much they can do.
Added "bonus" her roommate can be a hitter and scratcher. Both women know aides and nurses can't fight back and still must treat both with dignity and respect.
Thank god the rehab is adamant about her not going home.
Just another selfish senior who cant accept reality and thimk about the welfare of her daughter.
Let her be sad, be understanding, but this is a non-negotiable situation. You can be sad together because you are both sad, but it doesn't change what is.
I told her I am pushing 70 and do not want to take care of her and neither do my sisters.
I refuse to move in full time and be the martyr if neither of my sisters want to help work out a schedule. If they did, I might have considered Helping every third month. This caregiving situation can go on for several more years and that is quite an investment of time. These are my last good years before I start to fall apart and have health issues.
So this is where she needs to be now for all of our sakes. We cannot navigate any more crises. The stress level
is high. My sister is having marital troubles because of this situation,
We placed her with my dad. They are on the same floor, don’t share a room. At least they are together. There is that.
Also my mother did not hesitate to put her mother in a nursing home. So I am not going to feel any guilt about this. I am not doing anything she did not do herself.
My mother didn’t work but couldn’t take care of grandma . However, later on my mother ran me ragged for years ( while I was also working ) and refused to go to AL .
My aunt ( was 14 years younger than my mother ) came and took grandma home with her and eventually my aunt paid for help to come to the house the last one of the three years that she lived .
Does this not sound ridiculous to all of you?
So when one or all of you gets hurt, what’s your plan for mom?
When she falls again in your home, where is she going to go?
Mother needs full time care. If she has mild dementia she can’t make wise decisions for herself. It’s the safest and most logical thing to do. She wants to dictate her life AND her childrens’ lives. She cannot.