My long story is in my profile, but cliff note version: I am mid 60s, only child, dad passed when I was a kid, mom had severe mental health issues (narcissist/gambling addiction), I went into foster care, paid my way through college/grad school; reconnected w/mom later and had her move in with my husband and kids (she was in debt up to her eyeballs). She lived an expense free life in our house for 20+ years. Generally it worked, but often I would have to set her straight on things from time to time and she generally complied as we were footing all her bills except for gas for her car -- we bought her the car -- she paid for her auto insurance and her cell phone bill. We gifted her spending money.
Her physical/mental decline got progressively worse when she got into her late 70s. Years of smoking, not eating properly, no exercise, refusal to get proper medical care or to wear hearing aids took a toll. I retired early to help care for her. During COVID lock-down she stayed in bed 24/7 and, then fell and was hospitalized for 2 week (host of medical issues including resistant lung, blood and bone infections; the later requiring surgery to remove some bone. She went to Rehab thereafter for IV antibiotic, wound care, lots of other things.
I requested the full cognitive work up, YUP dementia as I expected. My decision was to "transition her" from the Rehab part of the facility to their Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) and to work on getting her qualified for Medicaid Long Term Care coverage; after spending down what little she had over 7 months. Good news, is she qualified and has been at the SNF for 2 years now.
Mom is 86 now, and "lives in her bed" at the SNF, refuses to participate in any activities offered which are many, it is a great facility. Her room is dark, she refuses to turn on lights and insists on the blinds being closed. The TV is on 24/7 (she has a private room). Yes she is on two Rx for depression and agitation and other Rx for her other medical issues. Yes, the SNF-based geriatric psychiatrist, social workers, and psychologists have tried to help her. She can barely walk now, but she believes it is my duty to care for her in my home still. She is a toxic tornado now.
Me, two years later am still struggling with the fallout of all of this. Yes, am working with a great therapist over last 2 years. In May of 2021, I had to go "low contact" w/mom after she told me on Mother's Day, "Worse day of my life, having you." By late August 2021, she returned to her narrative of me of "killing my father." [This is what she told me when I was 14. My dad died of blood clots, aka heart attack after a week-long hospital stay, he was 45 and she was 35. Like who tells a kid, "you killed your father."] That return to the old "you killed your dad" narrative tripped the "no contact" wire for me.
Have not seen or spoken to her since August 2021, but I am still her POA, handle all the Medicaid stuff, her "medical agent" for the SNF and doctors, handle her taxes and banking (so she remains under our state's Medicaid asset limit) and I drop off a bag of snacks once a month.
If you are in a no contact zone with your mom or dad, any advice. Holidays are hard as those feelings of pity come into play. I do feel sorry for her, what an awful way to live, but it also her choice. I bought her a Christmas gift -- some easy pull on PJs, she cannot do buttons or zippers at this point -- and dropped it off at the SNF, she had my uncle (her only living sibling) return it to me.
I often wonder, if she falls, has a medical ER issue and the SNF sends her to the hospital OR I get that call "her time is near," will I visit? Would you? I do not expect ANY changes from her. I sometimes think if she gets to the point where she no longer remembers me; maybe I will visit then as it would be safe then she won't lash out at me as she'd have no clue who I was. Any advice and if dealing w/similar how have you gotten over it?
Your dad must have been a wonderful guy to have you turn out they way you did.
You are doing ALL that you can, and have been doing so for such a long time, but the object of your loving intentions is, and has apparently always been, too damaged herself to enjoy and benefit from the love you extend.
My mother was also a severely damaged woman, and it took us a very long time to develop a relationship that was mutually nourishing, but we ultimately did it.
I had to learn healthy detachment, and she was actually freed by a very serious stroke, to speak of her love for me. She was also an amazing and magnificent grandmother, which allowed me to understand what had happened to her (and me), that had made our interactions when I was younger, so painfully difficult for me.
I was also her POA, and also treated her in the best way I could when her dementia made her totally dependent on my care.
So in answer to your question, you have to decide for yourself how to learn that her lashing out and hostility and demonstratively angry conduct doesn’t COME from you and isn’t even DIRECTED at you.
It comes from some terrible misfiring in HER brain. You do KNOW that -“ I do not expect ANY changes from her” but you will be freed when you are able to convince yourself that that was NOT EVER anything to do with you.
At least that worked for me. And I believe from reading what you’ve written that it can work for you too, because you writing and commentary indicates that you are smart.
Do the work of detaching. Make it a gift to yourself. You can do it, and you DESERVE to do it.
I was sexually abused by my father for over 11 years and my mother knew about it and chose to do nothing to protect me. As an adult I cut them both out of my life(for my mental health's sake)and like you often wondered what if anything I would do when I got the call that they were dying.
I had always said that if and when my parents die, if I were to cry at all it would be because I would be mourning the parents that I never had.
Well I got the call first about my mother, and because I lived many states away at this point(thankfully)I was now faced with what to do. I opted to fly back to see my mother, and honestly felt nothing as I saw her on her death bed. I had been a volunteer for hospice where I was living, so to me she was just another patient that needed some care.
She died early the next morning and I still felt nothing.
I received the call about 5 years later about my father dying and honestly had no desire to make the trip back to see him. So I didn't. And while it seemed that he was "hanging" on until all 6 of his children were there, it didn't happen and eventually he died as well.
And to this day,(my mothers been gone about 9 years and my father about 4 years now)I have yet to cry over either of them, as I honestly have no feelings towards them at all, and I am at peace with the way that I chose to deal with their final days, as I had forgiven them both many years earlier. We all have to do what we feel is best in our hearts under the circumstances.
So please don't beat yourself up over this situation you're now in with your mom. You did like I said in the beginning above and beyond what most would do, so now it's time for you to look out for yourself and your mental well being, and if that means keeping your distance, well so be it.
God bless you my dear.
"handle her taxes" this I don't understand if you supported her for 20 yrs. And how does she have any money in the bank that you need to worry about going over the asset limit? Her SS and any pension should be going towards her care. If SS is her only income, she should not be paying any taxes unless she gets a lot of SS. Just curious because my Mom and MIL, once widows, they paid no taxes.
You are ensuring that she is well cared for and safe. That's the best anyone can hope for in these situations. Well done for all you have and continue to do for her. You matter too! Keep taking care of you. Great big warm hug!
I have tried the detaching thing, but found it very difficult as her outburst and the awful stuff she said (before I went no contact) mirrored how she spoke to be as a child: constant criticism, gaslighting, jealous and competitive comments, put downs, humiliation, cruel behavior (like putting me outside and locking me out of the house -- I was 5, a neighbor took me in and tried calling her for hours before she finally opened the door and made up some stupid story about falling asleep, did not know I was outside).
It is as if she while living with us was able to control her vitrol for me while I paid for her life expenses; but the dementia took away that filter. Ergo she went back to how she was with me when I was a little kid. All to say, very hard to do the detaching thing on my part.
Regarding the "taxes" yes I file them because she still receives a large amount monthly from my dad's annuity and taxes are withheld. My mom never remarried, so for over 50 years, she gets a monthly check from the feds (my dad was a federal employee when he passed away -- military intel for DoD). Plus mom gets Social Security (which no taxes are withheld). Yes am working on getting them to stop withholding state and federal taxes. Those withheld taxes all come back to her accounts after I file, just paperwork to get resolved this coming year.
Honestly, we did NOT know how much money she actually was getting monthly, until the SNF stay and me having to handle the Medicaid application. But it all basically goes to the SNF as part of her monthly "contribution." She is allowed to only keep $93 a month but still must remain under the $2.5K asset limit. Consequently, I have to either spend some money from time to time on some things for her (simple clothes, lotions, new tooth brush, etc.) OR just write the SNF an "extra check" that month to assure her account remains below our state's asset limit.
At this point it is not a lot of work. But I do confess it irks me, that I am still engaged even in this de minimus fashion.
Thanks all for your comments and support.
You did the right thing, now go on with your life.
Sending support your way!