How to deal with dad’s harsh behavior toward me?

Anger is common. Your not wanting to be around that negativity is one of the reasons why I started to consider placing my Mom in a MC facility.

I suggest that you reduce the time you take your Dad out. Just sit and allow him to vent. Do not take anything personal. Then when he is calm, then take him out. Do not agree or disagree with him. Just listen and reflect back what he is saying. Probe more into what he is saying. Ask him clarifying questions. Keep your sentences short

Don't expect him to know what he wants. He doesn't know himself and possibly cannot rationalize or think logically. He might not have any concept of time. That's the dementia.

He is only familiar with the way he used to do it. To him, there is no other way. He wants to go somewhere and before, he grabbed the keys and went. However with dementia, even if he had the keys, he wouldn't know or would forget where to go. So the next time he goes on about lack of having a car, ask him where he would like to go. If he finally names a place, ask him what he would like to do once he got there. Help him to keep that in his brain. Then if there is time left for the visit, take him there and do what he said he would like to do.

Once he realizes that you will take him wherever he asks, he might just stop asking about the car and realize that he has a willing chauffeur.

...and the bratty side of me says....and he'll be grumbling about something else instead.

Will it improve? I don't know. However, I do know that at some point, most people with dementia are not capable of speaking in words.

Burnttoast: Sadly, this is the disease of dementia in the works. It is imperative that you take care of yourself as your father is being taken care of in a memory care facility.

Nothing will be enough.

(Unfortunately) we get angry at the people CLOSEST to us ... the people most familiar to us. You are doing a lot for him.
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After I wrote all this below, I forgot to add: Reflective listening is very important, i.e., "I hear you saying XXX" so he knows that you listened and that he is being heard / not dismissed. He may or may not understand although with a calm voice and (if in person) a smile, he will 'get it' that his feelings are being understood. This way of interacting with him DOES NOT MEAN that you agree or disagree with what he is saying. You are neutral, reflecting back his words. There is no argument or arguing. Never engage in a 'logical' argument or ... discussion as to the why he cannot return home... or why to anything he says (I take that back ... I might say, "For your own safety XXX" and then drop it. He will not like nor agree or (perhaps) understand anything you say.
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Understand that having 'mixed dementia' means that he doesn't have the brain functioning any longer to understand logic 'completely.' He'll want what he wants and he'll continue to let you know. What can you do?

1. While you are very compassionate towards him already, you need to respond differently and set clear boundaries (for your own emotional well-being).

- Do you not allow him to verbally abuse you - even though he likely won't believe he is doing that, you need to set limits.

Some ways to do that:

a1. Tell him IMMEDIATELY that it is unacceptable for him to 'It is not okay for you to talk to me like that."

Tell him that you will leave if he continues. Then leave. Do not make empty threats. You could leave for a minute to start with ... and see how that goes.

- Even with mixed or severe dementia, some information / communications 'get through' - and even if they don't completely understand, you are stating what is needed and then you do what you need to do (leave). Be succinct. Even a 'cool off' period - 5 minutes to an hour ... will support you emotionally.

a. be in an environment where you can leave (not in a car... not at a function / event where you need to be there with him). Likely for now, only be with him where he lives so you can leave.

b. If you go out, invite another to join you (with their own transportation - in case you need to leave due to feeling verbally berated and the other person could drive him home). This could be a caregiver - see below.

2. You DO NOT ask him if he wants a caregiver. You interview and get one. You introduce this person as 'a friend of mine.' Make the first meeting very relaxed and informal. You want him to meet the person... it is only an introduction.
- You do not go into any explanations of the when and why: (Do not say: "she'll see you next Tuesday." You already know he'll say no. She shows up. Period.

3. It is up to him to participate (or not) in activities. Certainly it is understandable that he is mad, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed ... his life as he knew it and WANTS it is not happening. Understanding how he feels from his point-of-view is important (= compassion) while AT THE SAME TIME, you set clear limits and boundaries on your time and how you are with him (based on your comfort) and how he responds to you.

4. In advance, set up some ways for you to process through the hurt feelings you have when he verbally speaks to you in ways that hurt / feel abusive, i.e.
* Take a walk
* Go to a movie
* Call a friend (on speed dial)
* Buy yourself (and perhaps him) some flowers

Have 'feel good' options in place - from a minute to perhaps a day or longer.

As needed, cut the visits down.

Tell him you love him while changing how you respond to him. New behavior will feel uncomfortable. If you feel guilt: honor, embrace it, process feelings. Pushing feelings away keeps them there-stuck. You want to fully feel through them so they transform, with awareness+compassion for self+others.

Gena / Touch Mat

Yes, the anger towards you his family is very common. He blames you for why he's in memory care. To him you are the reason why he's in a "home".

Is he at the point in dementia where he can't be in AL? Memory care is different and it can be a terrible place for a person who is not far gone with dementia.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to take a step back and maybe visit a little less for a while. Sometimes it takes a very long time for a person to adjust. Sometimes they never do. I wouldn't worry so much though.
Talk to the staff. Your father may just be putting on the misery act for you exclusively and is fine when you're not around.

Providing happiness is NOT in your job description. Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe happiness medication.

Perhaps you might consider moving and find out if he'd even miss you.

It's the disease that's causing some - if not all - of this. You're doing as much as you can, and he's lucky to have you to take care of him. Yet you should realize that he'll never be completely happy. He will demand more and more as his illness progresses.

You should disengage from some of this. For instance, asking him where he wants to go and what he wants to do isn't productive. It only causes problems. He probably isn't capable of answering. It confuses him. So stop asking. If you must, tell him you're taking him someplace you think he'll enjoy and then do it. If it works, fine, but sometimes being out is upsetting because they don't understand why they're there and feel threatened.

You'd like him to participate in more activities. He doesn't seem willing. Why should he if he doesn't like that sort of thing? Playing bingo doesn't restore brain cells anyway, though for some it can fill a social need. For him, maybe it doesn't. If he's happier sitting in his room and watching TV, that's not a bad thing. He's safe, calm, and doing what he wants. It isn't your job to take on more responsibility for him now. That wouldn't be doing him any favors. If you didn't show up so often, maybe he'd make more friends and get more involved.

Don't allow him to abuse you. He surely knows he's doing that! Sometimes dementia patients act like spoiled toddlers and need to be given a comeuppance.

There's absolutely no room for your guilt in this equation! It accomplishes nothing but seems to make you think that you should be doing more when you actually should be doing less. Rearrange your thought processes and save yourself.

My sympathies for your situation.

I am beginning to believe it is a "right of passage" of some sort; unfortunately. Going through the same thing with my father. He is at an AL and he is kind and pleasant to residents as well as staff most of the time, but when it comes to me wow I get the ugly side. His physical therapist and I call it rebellion. Unfortunately roles have reversed; his cognition is at about 12 - 14 years old and now I am the parent with no experience on being one.

I do mention to him that he is being rude and that is not acceptable but next visit he does not remember the conversation and the cycle continues.

It is a challenge and an adventure every time I see him. For my mental sanity I did cut visits down to 1 time a week and if I take him to Dr's appointments that week I count that is my visit for the week. It got so bad he told the Dr to take me out of the room if I did not "shut my mouth". He was at a back Dr's appointment complaining about arthritis on his teeth.(no, not a joke lol)

We have very similar stories as none of my siblings are willing to help but very quickly to pass judgement and criticism.

You are not alone in this journey, all of us here are going through or have gone through this process.

Good luck to you and Best Wishes.

Great answers all around. I am hoping the ideas shared will help you as much as they are helping me. I agree, limit the number of visits and their duration. When it turns negative, share your feelings (how hurtful they are toward you), and say you’re leaving and do it. Don’t follow up with when you’ll see him again. Give yourself a break, no matter how long you need. (Your husband is correct to distance yourself and take a break from dad) Yes you’ll feel guilty, but notice eventually how calming it is for you not to be around that environment of negativity. I had to do this with my mother and my anxiety level is decreased. I still have these “hopeful” moments, but as they always turn negative with her, I just keep my visits short and infrequent. The guilts, accusations, and jealousy she exhibits towards me are decreasing as a result of less visits. Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself - dad is in good hands where he’s at.

I ought to explain first that I've sprained something in my foot and it hurts. I am therefore not my normal sunny self, and I am grateful to my shift leader for cutting my round short and sending me home. Still.

Yesterday I made a gentleman's oatmeal in the microwave, and he wasn't happy about that. So this morning, after the hour it took for him to get mobilised and washed and dressed and downstairs, with me running up and downstairs fetching things, I stood at his stupid gas hob whose ignition switch doesn't work so you have to light the burners with matches stirring his flipping oatmeal for hours and hours the proper Scots way.

And he wasn't happy because the plate wasn't hot. The oatmeal was volcanically hot, as I warned him, but I admit it hadn't occurred to me to heat a plate I was about to hand to a 96 year old man whose grip isn't great and who was eating off a lap tray.

He also isn't happy because he's at risk of aspiration pneumonia and the support plan prescribes 2 scoops of Thicken Up to 200 mls of liquid. He lets us get away with it (i.e. comply) for the water he takes his medication with, but when it's a question of his breakfast juice or coffee or fruit squash he grumbles under his breath. I don't actually blame him. I'd hate it if I was forced to drink glue, no matter how carefully mixed.

Anyway. When he had a mini flare-up about the plate I could for all the world have given up and gone home and resigned forever.

But on reflection. For most of his 9 decades of life he has made his oatmeal the way he likes it every morning. And now although he mostly can still do it, there are risks and it's better he doesn't. So when it isn't done exactly as he does it - because although we aim to please we are not mind-readers and we can't know everything instantly - he gets cross and frustrated, and it's going to show.

Your Dad put his finger on the issue: he can't come and go as he pleases. Well, no, he can't - for good and practical reasons, but he still isn't going to like it. If too much of it spills on to you then, as a family member, you are entitled to speak out. Just say what you feel more in sorrow than in anger.

My Dad LOUDLY YELLED at me for the first time yesterday. Because he asked for a roll and I asked “dinner roll”? “Why do you have to use those big fancy words? Just give me a roll!!” This was a first and truly shocking. I suppose there’s more to come. But I’ve always read and am trying to keep in mind, IT’S THE DISEASE and not him! But sounds like lots of good advice here that I will take too. My hubs has said for a long time that everyday visiting is too much on me. I am getting tired. 🥴 I can’t imagine how people do this at home. Good bless them!

Sorry you are in this situation, hugs.

As others have said, one's happiness comes from within. His happiness or the lack thereof is his responsibility NOT yours! Everyone has needs -- including you -- and when one's needs are not met this can make us unhappy. As adults we have to come to understand that ALL of our needs will NOT be met and as adults we need to find mature ways to process the hurt, anger, fear, disappointment etc when our needs are NOT met.

I would venture to say, his way of "processing" this is to put it on you, to blame or lash out at you. That is NOT a mature way to handle one's hurt feelings for not having a need met. Clearly, this may be a deep seeded and long term pattern on his part, not likely he'll change at this point.

I would also venture to say your needs (your need to NOT be verbally abused and your need to be treated with respect, civility and dignity) are NOT being met by how your father treats you. A constant and ongoing dose of this is likely not good for your health/mental health. Feeling stuck, guilty (you expressed this), worn out and "trying" to do things to "change him/change the situation" is a trauma bound.

You can only change you and how you respond! You cannot change him. Trying to doing more and more things to get this situation to change is also not likely to be successful (getting him to settle and stop his verbal abuse). He has to find other ways to self sooth; RATHER than taking it out on you and only he can do that work. Honestly at this stage (given his age and likely this ingrained behavior pattern, dementia too) it is NOT likely to change.

Defining a few boundaries and calmly telling him is a first step. Such as "Dad, when I visit if you are not respectful, if you lash out at me, I will leave. I will wait a week and visit then." And be sure to keep to your boundary. Next time, say it will be a 2 week period." Same for calling; at the first sign of verbal abuse, disrespect, guilt tripping, etc. call it out calmly ("dad, I was clear that I will not accept X so I will have to end this call.") do not just hang up, be the mature adult in this situation and say, "I will call you next week." Do not take any calls, block his number for the week so there are no intrusions.

If over time, there is no adjustment in his behavior, you can decided what YOU are comfortable with next. That could be a once a month visit for a short time, again be prepared to leave if the abuse starts up. Or whatever works for YOU.

I had to do this w/my mom. It started in May of 2021 when I called her on Mother's Day to wish her well and to share good news, her granddaughter (my daughter) had gotten engaged. Her response to me was, "Worst day of my life, Mother's Day, having you." I just said, I would end the call and said good bye. I choose not to see or call her for a full month thereafter.

When we did speak next 4 weeks later, I was clear about my boundaries for respectful and civil interaction. And I established a one week visit for 20 minutes, next week call for 20 mins and went with this cycle for the next 2 months; but the verbal outburst and abuse continued. After a month of no contact, there was one last call where it all came crashing down and the litany of accusations, verbal abuse, contempt, vile things said, full on RAGE; I decided to go no contact for my own mental health and healing.

I have not been in any direct contact w/her in almost 2 years. She is in a great nursing home, getting the care she needs. I am working with a great therapist on my healing. You might find working w/a therapist to unpack all this and to heal helpful. Still working on my healing.

Best of luck! This is a journey none of us wanted to take, but we are nevertheless on this journey.

My mother is EXACTLY the same after 12 months in memory care except she is also obstinate with the staff. I had to get therapy to deal with the grief/depression and we visit less - this is how I cope. Good luck.

Pretty typical! My mom told everyone all her kids were “dead”. My brother and I were visiting five days a week. She also told them I stole the money and put her there {in prison}. I continued my visits three times a week and controlled my outward disappointment in her nasty behavior. I stayed loving and kind. It was her dementia talking. She eventually settled in and rarely gets snippy with me now. I am her POA. I was able to move her to assisted 10 months later. Lewy Body Dementia is very different from Alzheimers. Good Luck.

Pretty typical! My mom told everyone all her kids were dead. My brother and I visited 5x a week. She also told them I stole the money and put her there. I continued my visits and controlled my outward disappointment in her nasty behavior. It was her dementia talking. She eventually settled in and rarely gets snippy with me now. I am her POA. I was able to move her to assisted 10 months later. Lewy Body Dementia is very different from Alzheimers. Good Luck.

I agree -back off some. Seeing him less is not abandoning him - its caring for yourself more. I also agree that visiting him and taking him out less may encourage him to socialize in the facility more. That's a win win!

The ball is in your court, it is up to you to make a change, you will not change him.

Your siblings have the answer, back off. He is safe, has things to do, if he wants to, you are neither responsible for his happiness or can do anything about it. Happiness is an inside job.

No one has the right to verbally abuse another, time for you to set some boundaries and stick to them. When starts the yelling, pick up your stuff and leave, make it clear to him that you will do this every time and do it.

He has lived his life on his terms, might be time for you to do the same. Good Luck.

I read your previous posts.

" He has been mean, belittling and disrespectful for most of my life. He has no relationship with my other siblings, he just does not really care."

You have been advised to decrease the visits in response to another post. Did you ever do that?

Why did you/do you do so much for him, while your siblings don't? Were you groomed to do this all your life? Your father is in a safe place. Why don't you just let him be, and visit maybe once a week?

If you provide all his socialisation he won't look for other forms.

Keep encouraging Dad to join in to what is on offer. Speak to the Activities Coordinator, see if they can push a little.

Then take a little step backwards. Visit slightly less. See what happens.

A few suggestions:

1) Say to him “Do you enjoy my visits or not? If you don’t enjoy them, I won’t come”. Repeat when necessary – and leave.

2) Find another resident that he ‘is nice to’ but who doesn’t have many visitors. Say you are going to take them out together. Perhaps another golfer? Or shopper? It might lead to him taking part in activities with that resident. It might take a bit of pressure off you, particularly if D behaves better in company. And it might be really nice for the other person.

3) Cut down the visits. Five times a week means he is always waiting for you to turn up, storing up grievances. He needs to take more responsibility for filling in his own time. So do you! Your life shouldn’t be made miserable for so much of your free time.

What elder with dementia is ever happy anywhere??? I could have set my mother up in the Palace of Versailles and she'd have complained bitterly the gold needed polishing and the pheasant under glass was stringy!

The goal is to keep our parent safe, well cared for, medicated properly, fed, calm and socialized. That's really the best we can hope to accomplish in managed care, with happiness an illusion that dementia robbed them of.

Once you realize dementia is responsible for dad's anger issues, then you'll stop feeling personally responsible for being his entertainment committee at your own expense. This IS a long, sad, lonely and tragic road for ALL of us so set down some boundaries now. Go see dad once a week for x amount of time and divert the conversation away from toxic subjects w snacks and photos. Ask the Activity Director to help engage dad in what's going on there. Then call for updates and check on him when hes unaware you're there. My mother was ALWAYS yucking it up big time when I did that and when she saw me, immediately adopted a hang dog face! They play to their audience.

Best of luck to you.

Hi Burnttoast,
Why not take a little break? Maybe taking him out and about so much exacerbates his frustration. While he may still think he can drive or that he has the capacity to live on his own, that isn't the reality. That's why you're getting a blank when you try to set up activities for him, and likely why he's a bit withdrawn-his executive ability isn't what it used to be. But since he thinks he can, he's going to express his frustration to the closest loved one.
Can you back off on the number of times you see him during the week, or the amount you're taking him out for now? Perhaps switch to a type of outing that's quicker or more neutral in terms of reminding him of what he can't do anymore?
You are doing an amazing job. And you're not abandoning him if you need a break--I sure would!.

With rare exceptions, they always treat the people closest to them the absolute worst. Why? I suspect it is because they feel safe with them, knowing that they always return.

I am so sorry that your dad hasn’t adjusted completely to his new situation. How long has he been there?

You don’t have to jump through hoops for him. Just do what you can and leave when you need a break.

All of best to you and your father.