He gaslights me, passive-aggressive comments if I can't give into his demands, totally ignores boundaries, very intrusive, calls incessantly like 10 times a day even when he knows I'm busy, selfish never asks how i am even though he knows what I've been through, dealing with. Everything is about him. For years I've told him to stop coming to my house so late unannounced. Especially now I have a 4yr old who has started school. He doesn't listen and gaslights me saying I'm just popping in. yeah 6 days of the week, unannounced, just as my son is going to bed or in the bath or right as we sit down to eat. even turns up almost midnight sometimes. He always wants something from me, expects me to sort his life out, comes over for his tea and talks negatively about his life in front of my son, disrupting our routine. Gets my son all hyperactive on purpose just as it's bedtime. I'm exhausted it's killing me. :( He stays up all night, smoking etc. and doesn't the do anything all day apart from sleep or ring me. Only gets out of his house about 6pm earliest! He's bored and uses me for venting, errands, phone calls, medications, shopping, housing, figuring stuff out, cleaning, washing, complaining at, expecting me to run his life. Takes no responsibility, acts like a child, doesn't want care but needs it as has falls, only wants it from me. Severe mobility issues. Hoards. Is clever but acts like he knows nothing. he just can't be bothered to figure his life out. Very sneaky when he acts innocent or vulnerable to others but is passive aggressive to me. I'm constantly made to feel terrible if I repeat my boundaries to him, simple ones like don't come every night unannounced and late just call first please dad, he'll sulk and act like I don't want to see him. Makes me enraged but also sad :( I can't deal with him anymore he's ruining my life I'm miserable. but I love him so much. I don't get a minute to myself all day from 6am to sleep. He doesn't care though, just thinks about himself.
The boundaries are go or you, not him.
Don't answer your phone. Change your phone number of necessary.
Has he been diagnosed with dementia?
As to putting up with this for years without setting clear, gentle boundaries such as "Dad, if you call 10 times a day I will only answer twice. Once in the early a.m. and once at night; if you need anyone emergently then call 911" OR "Dad, if you come to the door without notifying me you are "dropping by" I will gently but firmly close the door in your face without a single word" --OR, trust me, I could go on. And on and on and on.
We are at a certain point adults. We MUST take responsibility for our own choices. Your anger while you still allow this to be done to you over and over again could in itself be "labeled" as passive aggressive.
I am the odd man out in Forum.
I think we do little good for people by listening and sympathizing as they have been often for years telling their sad story and bringing in sympathy, but very little help.
I think that truly saying that you are an adult responsible for your choices and boundary setting can really shake someone up so that they stop repeating circular and habitual behavior patterns that are causing their own woe.
If you can't find a way to do this, do seek the help of a good COGNITIVE behavior therapist, a tough one that doesn't just listen and node her head politely as she reaches for a couple of Bejamins.
I wish you luck.
3 months ago I didn't want to even admit my mother was a narcissist. Man have I adulted
You need to stand up to Dad. Change those locks. If he comes banging on the door ignore him or tell him thru the door after 6 is not a good time for visiting. He needs to call before he comes over and he needs to leave when you tell him time to go home. He is to call only once a day. Maybe set up a certain time. No more dropping in. If he does,he will not be let in. You have a life and have a right to live it. He needs to find a life because you can't be it. He is part of your life not all of it.
mind game lifestyle of being used and manipulated on anyone.
You can set boundaries and it will help for a time, but I suspect your dad will figure out what your doing and change tactics, you will be oblivious to them, then six months down the road you will realize, oh crap dad's taking my life over, again!
If you decide to continuing to keep your dad in your life , like I do my mom it will be a struggle and you need therapy to address your childhood of your father's controlling manipulative behavior. And how to move forward in what you want for your family's future. Not what your dad wants from you.
Best of luck to you , many of us have been there , done that. I wish I new then what I know now. I'm sure I would of done different in my life.
Personally I totally agree with Alva, move, far away.
SIL only child died. She hated/hates her DIL and although DIL invited her to every family event, holiday, vacation etc. she continued to be rude to the DIL until the grown grands told her off. Their lives are so much more peaceful. The granddaughter has four little girls from 2 to 8. SIL would get them in trouble every time she saw them. Of course the little girls loved their GGM. She was so much fun as many narcissist can be when they are surrounded by adoration. But SIL simply did not care that she was making life impossible for her GD. No rules apply to her unless they are HER rules which she insists apply to everyone else.
And all of this after she and her late husband had been gray rocked for about 10 years because she did the same thing to the grands when they were growing up, in other words she didn’t learn a thing.
Because you have a child who is in need of a healthy mom, you MUST establish very strict rules.
I think I would give him a list of what is acceptable. It would be a short list. Very plain.
You fall, call 911.
Get a housekeeper.
Don’t come to my house.
Put all bills on autopay.
Everything will be delivered. If I want to see you, I will call you.
Someone who shows up every night can make phone calls.
He Doesn’t make the phone calls because he knows you will say no. He’s been doing this all his life is my guess.
Your child will be grown and he will still be pulling this mess if you don’t stop it. Your dad doesn’t need you. Money can pay for what your dad needs. Your child needs a mother.
Stop being his solution. Stop helping him yourself. Point him to resources. He has a phone, he can call people and places. He seems able to get himself over to your place, so he has mobility. Don't be his enabler. Don't be his manager. He's not forcing you: you're allowing it. So, stop.
I 100% agree with BarbBrooklyn. Make boundaries and defend them ruthlessly. He'll do some super sulking. He'll become very angry. He'll make threats. What you do is tell him you'll get a restraining order. Don't threaten it unless you really are willing and able to do it. Eventually when he sees you won't take down your boundaries, he will change.
Your #1 job is to protect yourself and your child from him, and anyone else who behaves like him towards you. More importantly, your child will learn what healthy boundaries look like, and respect you for having them.
I hear you saying you love your father but he's making you miserable and ruining your life. Just because our parents are just that, our parents, does not give them the right to ignore our requests or boundaries. Trust me, I understand the pushback you get when making boundaries with a difficult parent. Please take a baby step and set one boundary and stick to it. Maybe start with only talking to him once a day. If he repeatedly calls (as my father does) do not answer the phone. Block his number for a few hours. Give yourself a much needed break and take back your power. If you struggle to set any boundaries, perhaps getting professional counseling would help? Take a page out of your father's playbook and start making things about you.
You have no control how others will abide, push or ignore them.
A. Set the boundary
B. Set the consequence
C. Action the consequence.
Eg
A. If your boundary is zero visits after 5pm, tell him.
B. Tell him you will not open the door to anyone after that time - busy with kid stuff.
C. Then don't open the door.
Let the re-training begin.
They didn't stop my mother and brothers being furious at me , for not taking mom to a doctors appointment during a snow storm and my poor brother with a truck had to leave work. After I told them for 3 years I don't drive in the snow.