He’s so angry at the world! Actually he’s always been a grouch, but is now even worse! He is so demanding and ungrateful at times with me doing all I do!
He has been diagnosed with cancer. And when he gets mad at me he threatens me with not getting treatment for his cancer
It's tough to have cancer, I know. It's also tough to be the caregiver for the cancer patient. Why does your husband feel entitled to cause you more suffering than you're already experiencing as it is? That's the question to ask him, honestly. Because taking his fears out on you isn't accomplishing one single useful thing here! So get a grip, bud, or find a different caregiver. That'd be my statement.
Getting sick or old doesn't give a person a license to be abusive. Just a poor excuse IF you don't put your foot down.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck.
Sorry to all the men out there--I had a long discussion with Dr Joe last night about Hospice and EOL care, in general. He said it was more common in his male patients to be unable to express 'true' emotions. If they showed any at all, it was usually anger, and anger directed at people who are caring for them.
He asked if my MIL were on an antidepressant. She's not, as they are for 'crazy people' (like me)...I asked if an AD would even HELP this late in the game and he said it was almost standard procedure for people who are in Hospice and/or are very sick. Cancer qualifies.
He said "Absolutely. Making them comfortable certainly includes mental health".
Talk to his dr about adding that in. It does take a couple of weeks to see if it helps, but if it does, great!
My own DH channels all uncomfortable emotions into anger. When he is pissy, I walk away. He is currently caring VERY part time for his mother. Everyday he says he's got to go see her, and he finds 101 things to do rather than go to her place. It's patently ridiculous, really. I say "Just GO for the love of Pete!" He won't even call her. It's a new thing, the Hospice, and honestly, he's scared that he is going to go up there one day and find her dead. That is likely and the thought of it terrifies him, so rather than deal with it, he gets mad.
Knowing that his anger is not really about ME in any way, shape or form, makes it slightly easier to deal with it.
If DH gets really bad, and he has, at times over the years, I HAVE left him for a couple of days. He knows why and sometimes makes an effort to be more aware.
I won't let him drag me down into his personal 'misery'--and I am slowly learning that I simply can't carry his 'feels' for him.
A few thoughts…have you suggested therapy, maybe couples therapy, since these are uncharted waters? Remind him you're in this together and need to figure out how to get through it while still being kind to each other.
If this is beyond saving in your opinion, is separating an option? You mentioned your own health issues in your bio...are you physically suffering because of his attitude and care needs?
Do you have the kind of marriage where you can tell him, "It's unacceptable for you to treat me this way. I'm going to the movies/calling a divorce attorney/visiting my sister for a month." ?
Let us know how things go. Hang in there.
Has he ever had a cognitive/memory test? If not, I would ask his physician to discretely perform one at his next appointment. This *may* help explain some of his behavior -- not that it will cure it, but it will give you a better context for how you interact/respond to him going forward.
When he starts talking negatively, you redirect the conversation (abruptly) to something neutral or positive. Keep doing this no matter how he reacts. If you must, walk out of the room and return when he is more calm/positive.
There are meds to treat depression. Talk to his primary doctor or oncologist.
If I were in your shoes, I'd show the boundaries to my husband:
- you may not talk to me in that tone, ever. I will walk out of the room or house when u do.
- you will get hearing aids and wear them daily so we can effectively and more easily communiciate with each other.
- you may not threaten me with stopping treatment. If you do, I will allow you to stop treatment and suffer the consequences alone -- I won't be dragged along with you because its unloving and exhausting. I will step aside so that you will become a ward of the county and they will decide what your course of treatment will be and place you in a facility for the rest of your days.
Then, you have to make good on the boundaries and do what you've said.
Unless he has the beginnings of dementia. Then it may not be reasonable to expect him to remember the boundaries or be able to calm himself. If so, consider meds for him.
My heart breaks for you both in this situation. You will get lots of support here!
What you need to do with this type of personality, is ignore him. Look up the Gray Rock Method and use it, and as Geaton said, tell him you will not be talked to that way. Doing or not doing the treatment is all up to him. If he keeps up being demanding and ungrateful, you won't even miss him. You need to give as much as you get. Its not your fault he has cancer so he should not take it out on you. Just walk away. Grab ur purse and leave. Show him you are not going to put up with it. Tell him there is always a nursing home. 😊 Oh, and you say it all in a calm firm voice looking him in the eye. Treat him like the child he has become.
I get it. I would be angry with a diagnosis of cancer. (anger one of the steps E.K. Ross discusses)
You are also a "safe person" for him to vent his anger on. He trusts you, he knows that you are there for him.
Sometime when he is not angry talk to him about how you feel when he vents.
You also need to let YOUR doctor know what is going on as your husbands health will effect yours.
(because it is me responding to this I just HAVE to ask these questions...
Is your husband a Veteran? Where and when he served if there was ANY chance that he was exposed to any chemical agents the cancer, anxiety, depression may all be linked and as a result a "service connected disability". If he is a Veteran check with the Veterans Assistance Commission in your area and have them look into it for you. It is well worth a phone call)
Ok, so if he doesn't want to continue treatment for his cancer that is his choice, don't let him blackmail you, I would just Ok and leave it at that. I wouldn't play into his childish behavior.
Sorry that you are having to deal with him.