I was recently diagnosed with another serious health problem but as I’ve posted before, my mother puts her own needs first. She is depressed and lonely and I get that. But I am trying to keep working with two serious health problems that she ignores. She lives close and we talk twice a day on the phone but that’s not enough. She wants me to visit more and also take her to a casino every weekend. I cannot afford to spend money every weekend and she really can’t either. My parents spent everything they ever made and is now spending the inheritance that she has left. My condition is made worse by stress and I don’t know how to deal with the feelings of guilt and hold the line on her. I have to take care of myself and it makes me resent her and not want to see her at all. She’s 74 and widowed, will not apologize and told me today that she was the perfect parent to me. That’s a lie.
" I don’t know how to deal with the feelings of guilt and hold the line on her."
Think of that feeling as grief, not guilt. Guilt is for evil people who are breaking the law and being immoral. This doesn't sound like you. You are grieved because of how she treats you in spite of the TLC you continue to give her. The way you hold the line is by firmly but civilly saying "no" and then moving on to another topic. Keep doing it no matter how ofter she tries to bring the topic back around. Don't make excuses why you can't do XX, tell her you *won't* do it. If you give reasons why you can't then she will think of word-arounds to get you to do it. But she comes upon a wall if you say you won't do it. Dead end for her. Freedom for you.
Your mother is a full-grown adult who had her whole life to plan for the eventuality of her decline and exit. She has assumed you into a life of indentured servanthood and you are allowing it. See this boundary, defend it ferociously and remember that you are not responsible for her happiness. Maybe consider seeing a therapist to help you see the boundaries. Otherwise the rest of your life will be about getting jerked around by other people, even beyond your mother. I wish you a guilt-free life of wisdom and peace in your heart!
The fact that your mother doesn't care that you are literally killing yourself to make her happy should be enough to rid yourself of guilt.
You work 2 jobs but technically adding taking care of moms every need it's more like you are working 4 jobs. Stop talking to her 2 times a day for starters. No more weekend casino trips. Your work days off should be for relaxing and recharging your own battery. Not entertaining your mother. Unfortunately you enabled her in many ways so now you are going to have to set limits and boundaries.
She will pitch a fit like a toddler but stay strong or your mother will certainly outlive you.
If that happens you can bet that mommy woula suddenly find ways to entertain and help herself.
Sorry you are going through this but only you have the power to stop this insanity.
If you have to work you need to care for you. Stress causes health problems and makes health problems you already have worse. Its time to take care of you. If Mom drives there is no reason you need to. Casinos, after working f/t and having health problems you need to be able to wind down. Weekends are for you and hubby. YOU need to set boundries and stick to them. If she complains calls 2x a day are not enough, turn the tables on her and say well then it will be 1x a day and that call should be after dinner before you settle down to watch TV. If she gets started, its up to you to say "Mom I am tired and just cannot listen to that right now" Yes, it may upset her but how many times has she done that to you. Just because she is your Mom does not mean you cannot say NO, "I can't do that because I am not feeling up to it." Wants her lawn mowed, hire someone. Needs her house cleaned, hire someone. If she can't afford to live in her house, then she needs to sell and move to an apt. You need to take care of you because you know she never will. And DH needs to back you up.
SHE IS NOT AND INVALID and by disabling her she eventually will be one. You have to tell her that you no longer can be her "go to" person. You have to deal with your illnesses and her demands make them worse. If she doesn't want to drive use the Senor bus. I live in NJ 2 hrs away from Atlantic City. There are buses you can get to spend the day there.
NO is a one word sentence
When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way. This means you point them in the right direction and step back. If they are capable to do it themselves and don't, thats their problem not mine.
You are not going to change her mind that she was 'a perfect parent to you', so the question is, what are YOU going to do to remove YOURSELF from the toxic presence of a person who's causing you health problems & tremendous grief?
YOU are allowing your mother to 'put her own needs first'!! What are YOU going to do to put YOUR health needs first now and allow your mother to fix her own problems? She can easily hire caregivers to come in to help her, or ride a bus to a casino, etc. She can order groceries online and have them delivered. She can call an Uber to take her here, there & everywhere, too. Where there is a will there is a way. But she's had you at her beck & call all this time, so why would she NEED to find another answer to her needs? Tell her NOW that she does need to find another answer to her needs b/c your health is suffering and guess what mom? MY needs come first now and I can no longer help you, sorry/not sorry.
It's going to take some work on YOUR part to stand up for yourself and realize that you have that right. That your life is just as important as HER life! Your health matters too! Take the stance of 'who cares what mom needs right now, what do I NEED right now?'
Depression and loneliness can be easily remedied for your mother; she can get herself OUT of the house and go volunteer somewhere, like at a children's hospital! She's 74 with nothing to do except wallow in her own misery & self pity. Well you have more important things to do than help her wallow; you have your HEALTH to take care of now! Use some tough love & stop enabling mother to use you like a doormat!
Do it TODAY and help yourself get out of this trap you're in!
Also, read this article about Passive/Aggressive people and how to deal with their guilt inducing B.S. for some useful tips:
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
Reclaim your LIFE now, you deserve to. Mother will be fine & you will be doing her a FAVOR by forcing her to rely on HERSELF for a change! You know the old adage,
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish & feed him for life.
It's time to teach mom to fish already!
She can also sell her house and go live in a senior Independent Living complex, too, which is always an option. That will give her plenty to do all day long, friends to complain about, food served to her to complain about, and probably even a bus trip to the casinos once a month! Then she won't have to rely on YOU to be her entertainment committee anymore, and oh wouldn't that be nice? Once you stop BEING her entertainment committee, THEN she may decide to look into such an option!
Good luck!
You CAN change yourself. Please consider getting help because your own health may depend upon it. Constant anger and anxiety put cortisol levels through the roof. It is so bad for you.
Please get psychological counseling.
We tend to treat people with habitual responses. It becomes a well worn road. It isn't a GOOD road, but it is the KNOWN road, and there is nothing more scary than reaching out to change ourselves. So when you get help and stop the habitual responses that so injure you, give yourself a huge pat on the back. It takes tremendous courage to let go of blaming others and to start fixing ourselves.
For right now, today, buy the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It is an easy read and full of anecdotes by folks who are acting in a habitual dance that hurts their toes, as well as all the rest of them.
I sure do wish you good luck, and most of all health. Remember, rage will set you back. It FEEDS the furnace of anxiety and confusion inside. You need inner peace, and if you get it, take care of yourself, then these illnesses may have their own gifts to offer you. I learned a lot in my battle with cancer 35 years ago. But most of all I learned to let go of anger, to learn to find inner peace.