My dad is almost 87. He is a 12-year lung cancer survivor but recently his partial lung collapsed twice and he had surgery to repair. He is limited as to what he can do and what he can lift for the next two months. I go over my parent’s house every day and do laundry, housekeeping, cooking, etc. All my dad does is complain about how he can’t do anything anymore, the doctors are dumb, he would rather be “dead than live like this,” etc. He likes nothing: hobbies are dumb, music is dumb, tv is dumb, reading is dumb, and on and on. I’m at my wits’ end trying to be positive hoping it’ll rub off on him. Any advice??
I don't think your good mood will rub off on dad at this stage of the game. It sounds like he needs a bit more help in that department. Start with a call to his PCP and go from there. Also, you may want to look into hiring help for dad; you can't be doing EVERYTHING for his household and yours as well; it's too much!
Good luck!
the unfortunate thing, is when people spit the negativity/blame at someone else (and normally, at the 1 person who’s helping them —that person should be receiving all the warmth and flowers in the world).
(of course the negative, suffering person should also receive warmth/flowers…)
i wish us well — and i wish us to be treated right.
You really can't change people. You can only change yourself and how you react. If you are going over daily you may want to cut that out a bit. As far as your father being disinterested in anything, that is also unlikely to change, as is his denigration of others.
Were it me I would be helping out very little at all and might consider a weekly visit in which I would stay until the general attitude became onerous, and then I would be out the door. The world is full of negative people. It is also full of positive people.
My first husband was much like your Dad. A life of total misery and now dead for many years. Perhaps he had clinical depression; really I wouldn't know, and in the 60s there wasn't a whole lot of talk about it.
Sorry thtis is a burden on you, but only you can decide how to protect yourself from this gentleman.
You may just need to "turn him off". Just go about you chores then kiss him on the cheek and leave. You did not cause his problems and you can't solve them.
We can't solve all of their everything..... Thx 4 this.
He needs an assessment for depression.
Get him a wall calendar and start crossing the days off. If it were me, I think I'd probably agree with him that I'd rather be dead than live like this, too - only, happily, that isn't the actual plan. And when he really gets on your nerves, it is fine to tell him to stop whining.
What would he normally want to do or lift that he's not allowed to handle, meanwhile?
His feelings of wanting to die are rather understandable problem is we live in a society were the aspect of breathing is enough to want to protect life. Doctors can be dumb, most only care about the quantity of life instead of quality. Many do not even want to toy with the idea of helping a suffering patient end their life with minimal suffering. Often times the patient has to actively do it themselves, which can be a long drawn out process such as forgoing treatment, not taking medication etc...
Your old man is rightfully depressed and most likely wishes for death each and every day but is unable to get what he truly wants because it is not considered socially acceptable.
Your dad's PCP can assess for depression. My dad scored high on depression scale and responded well to low dose anti-depression med. It's not just mood, but sleep. It doesn't make them drowsy but when my dad complained he'd wake up with racing thoughts unable to get back to sleep, the doctor explained that the med would help with that as well. And no, this doesn't "change" their personality or prolong their life. My dad is still his same vengeful, negative self, but he is easier to distract, and more able to focus on some positives.