How to deal with siblings who differ strongly in their opinion on how to care for our mom who has dementia?

Since you have POA, it is your decision.
What reasons does your sister give ?

Your mother should not be alone at all . She needs 24/7 care and it will get more difficult AND could go on for YEARS since you say she is healthy . Perhaps your sister is more realistic about the situation and is trying to save you from upending your life for some obligation you feel .

You have a very understanding wife FOR NOW . This may grow OLD fast . Why do you feel you need to upend your marriage so your mother can die in her house ? As your mother’s dementia progresses sadly the many visitors will stop coming even to her home .

Your sister isn’t doing any caregiving . It doesn’t effect her , yet she is urging you not to take this on . Think about that .

Read other threads here where people are in over their heads , and marriages in ruin. You may then listen to your siblings.

As PoA, you don't need to have the approval of any of your siblings if you are willing to do the hands-on, in-home care. And, your siblings aren't under any obligation to help you at any point, not physically or financially or emotionally. So, don't expect that from any of them and don't hold it against them. It's their choice and you can't assume anyone into the caregiving role... especially your wife -- she's the one who may be most affected by your decision.

Right now, neither you nor your wife can imagine how limited and stressful your lives may become if you keep her at home. As long as you read the other posts on this forum under the topic of Burnout and can honestly say that you're willing to change your Mom's care arrangement if your wife becomes unhappy with the commitment, then go for it.

Can you afford to retire early? Are you supporting your Mom financially or does she have enough SS/other assets to cover her needs and outside help?

Does your wife have aging parents? If so, what happens if they start to go south as well?

If you have this much say in mom's care--as much as your sibs may be angry with your choice, they also don't have much of a say. You're not allowing them to have any say--and you're not listening to them. You also cannot expect them to jump on board this bandwagon.

Bring mom home and don't expect ANY help from the sibs. They have spoken their opinions and you must respect them. Even if it's through clenched jaws--they've stated that mom should go into care and your taking on 100% of her care--well, that's YOUR choice.

We recently went through this with my MIL.

My SIL would not even entertain any thoughts of placing MIL in a facility. She alone cared for MIL as she went downhill, slowly and steadily.

My DH wanted nothing to do with the situation--but out of love for his SISTER, he took early retirement and got on board the train that went nowhere. OB slowly stepped up also. (His own wife is ill and should not be left alone)

It was a huge mess and I sat back, with no voice or valued opinion as I watched these 3 individuals try their mightiest to keep MIL happy & safe at home.

In the end--OB cracked under the pressure. DH was PoA but would not do anything that opposed his SIL's will. So we had this going on for a year.

Even if DH and OB had not stepped up, SIL would have killed herself in the service of her mother. It was, well, ridiculous, and honestly? just stupid.

OB simply began looking at ALF's. DH went along with the ride. SIL thought she could still make FT care at home a possibility. W/O the PT help of OB, the 3 legged stool of support cracked and broke.

MIL wound up in an ALF and to the utter shock of the kids, she was deemed a level 4 care--almost a 5. She was actually in the process of being OK'ed for a placement in either the MC division of this facility or a psychiatric ward in a hospital setting. She had been in that state for months, yet the kids were too close to the problem to see clearly.

She died 8 days after being moved to the ALF, and she was never alone, not for a single minute, until the night before she died--it was Valentine's Day and the kids all wanted to spend at least a small portion of that day with their spouses.

I know the desire to make mom happy--and quell your own sense of guilt is hard. We lived it for years. It DEFINITELY impacted my marriage for the worse, and also OB's. We're now working on trying to 'find' each other.

In the end, you'll do what you want to do. As much as I bet you nobody on this site is going to be super supportive of that---it is, ultimately, up to you.

You don't need our opinions on what to do. I found that my SIL didn't give a hoot about what I thought, and my worries about how her 'choice' for her mother impacted 6+ grown adults--all she could see what was she wanted for her mom.

Your mother is not going to get better and better. She's going to have more problems and issues and she will eventually take over your entire life.

Sadly, I know this because this is almost always exactly what happens.

Do what you want and be mindful that your sibs do not have to support you in this.

(Don't mean to sound so judgy--but we're only 3 weeks out from MIL's death and still in the early stages of grief. I do know of which I am speaking.)

JD, the beginning of the end of my marriage came about when my ex started working a plane ride away from where the rest of us lived. I realized in short order how peaceful it was to have him gone, and so did my kids.

Not only are you giving up your own freedom to keep mother "aging in place" in her own home, you're giving up the daily contact of your marriage which may not turn out well. Why are you willing to sacrifice SO MUCH to keep mom out of a Memory Care Assisted Living facility where she'd have more social interaction and activities?

A home is 4 walls and a roof. The importance you're placing on this house your mother has lived in her whole life doesn't make sense to what you'll be giving up to facilitate that. A job, a home of your own, your wife's presence, your community, etc. As moms dementia advances, you'll begin questioning your own sanity for making such a decision as you're changing dirty briefs and washing urine soaked sheets daily.

As long as you're willing to surrender when the price gets too high for this in home care, then I wish you good luck and Godspeed. I had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living and it was the best decision for both of us.

Welcome to the forum!

You asked for feedback, so I will share my thoughts on your situation.

I took care of my mom in my home for 14 years with Parkinson’s disease and dementia towards the end of her life. It became overwhelming and exhausting for me.

My mom lived to be 95 years old. I see where your mom is 89. She may live for quite a few more years.

As you say, it’s not so bad in the beginning stage of care, but when their care needs escalate, it becomes more challenging.

I didn’t receive much support from my siblings. They had their own lives to tend to.

Your siblings have their own lives. Please don’t depend on them to help. Don’t risk destroying your relationship with them over your mom’s care.

A parent’s responsibility to their children is to raise them to be independent, right? That’s how I raised my children. I do not expect them to care for me should I need care in the future.

I would never want my children to give up their entire lives for me. Why should you or your siblings give up your entire lives for your mom? Do you feel that she would want that for any of you?

Your mom is doing what my mom did. She is going along with your decisions. I must tell you that at the end of my mother’s life she told me that she was sorry that I spent so many years caring for her.

I realized that I had trained my mother to become dependent upon me. This wasn’t good for either of us, in spite of my good intentions.

Mom’s care became more than my siblings and I could handle. So, she was placed in an end of life hospice care home.

Mom was perfectly content living in her care home. She had an excellent staff who took very good care of her. We visited her often and she was glad to have us visiting as her children instead of having the heavy burden of being her caregivers.

Please think about the possibility of having your mom cared for around the clock by a professional staff in a facility.

You can become more efficient as an advocate for your mom, than you can by being an actual hands on caregiver. Plus, your wife shouldn’t have to change her life to accommodate your mom’s needs.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

"I'd be willing to retire from my job and live with her and my wife would support that decision. It's challenging to take care of Mom, but I actually enjoy it most of the time."

Oh dear.

Your wife comes first. That was established the day you got married. Would you want your kids to put their spouse aside to live with you? As benign as 'taking care of mother' sounds, you'll be leaving your wife. For however long Mom lives. Your job, marriage, your whole world, will be tossed aside for Mom. This will not end well for anyone. In some ways it sounds like you'd be happy to just stay with Mom forever. Why?

I'm sure, like many on this forum, you have good intentions. But yes, you are in denial. Mom needed assisted living a long time ago. She may feel she is living independently, but she isn't. She is living in her home only because her kids keep propping her up. That is an illusion.

As things worsen, the Mom you know will not be there anymore. You say you want to keep her in her house and not move her where she has no visitors. But before long, friends won't want to stop in and chat anymore. She will not recognize them or not be able to carry a conversation. She may not even recognize you. Consider that assisted living has lots of people and activities that could be helpful as she declines.

You say it's challenging to care for her but you like it. Why do you like it? I don't think you have bad intentions at all. Just misguided ones.

Does it make you feel like a great son to swoop in and take care of her? That you gave up your job and wife for her, for likely years on end, because it shows how you're so devoted to Mom? I've seen this with some caregivers. That the more you sacrifice your life, the more devotion you have. Problem is, this is not love. It's martyrdom.

I don't mean to say this is an ego trip for you, not at all. I mean that you've possibly confused this level of caring for Mom as a way to soothe your feelings about her eventual decline and death.

But there is no getting around it. She IS going to decline and die. And you're going to lose YEARS with your wife. This was supposed to be your time to enjoy the empty nest phase while you're both still able to travel or whatever you wanted to do. What if your health fails (and caregiving can kill people, it's a fact) or your wife's does? You say your wife is okay with it, but it's common for spouses to say "sure, it's fine" because what are they going to do? Clamp themselves around your leg and beg you not to go? If your wife is fine with you being gone for months or years, it leads to wondering if she is happier without you there at all.

If you're hell bent on living with Mom... will you be comfortable bathing and toileting her? How will you handle it when she becomes incontinent? How will you handle it if she starts sundowning, gets agitated, or keeps you up all night because she can't settle or tries to wander off? The stubbornness and denial with “keep mom home no matter what!” can ruin an elder’s life way more than even the worst nursing home could.

Please stop and consider the future for all involved.

This is how it often goes. Aging in place (home) works.. until it doesn't.

It can stop working well when;
1. the care needs increase
2. the caregivers decrease their input (decide to pull back, burn out, fall ill themselves)
3. both - needs increase & care team shrinks

A review of the 'Care Plan' is then needed.

The care team can split into Home vs Facility.

Each adult is free to choose their level of input for themselves. It can differ. Insisting each offer exactly the same is not reasonable. Some will have dependant children, an ill spouse, live far, have a job with travel, or even no apptitude or wish to be a caregiver.

The Care Plan must work for EVERYONE in the plan. Otherwise resentment will grow.

So what's reasonable?

Your siblings step out.
If you wish to try Home for longer, you will need to replace them with paid care staff. Is this possible?

It will need;
1. funds (Mom's)
2. a team of reliable staff
(Sometimes being in a rural or regional area prevents finding staff)
3. a person to manage the care staff (this may be you at your choice).

What about a compromise?

Say another TRIAL of Home Care & re-assess in 3 months, 6 months? As Plan A.

Start researching appropriate facilities as Plan B.

My final words are to examine your own motivation. Ask yourself if you are feeling GRIEF? It would be totoally normal if you were.

Don’t discount that moving her now will be better than moving her later. There WILL come a point in time where her needs will outpace your ability to care.

You enjoy caring for her now. With help. From your siblings.

You honestly have no idea what it’s going to be like to care for her by yourself as she declines. Please take off your rose colored glasses.

Your thoughts about keeping her home are nice. It’s very lovely that you would like to consider that. It’s not realistic imo.

You also are in denial about how this will affect your marriage. When you married your wife, you left your family to cleave to her. Your wife and your marriage are more important than your mother staying at home.

Yes, you are in denial.

Yeeow! What a decision! If you are willing to do it as it has been said expect nothing from your siblings. I cared for my parents, sister and brother. I expected nothing from my siblings until my father was bedridden and my brother wanted him home. I had a long talk with him and we agreed that if daddy came home my brother (eldest) would be in charge of bathing him. I would do other things. Well, when it did happen daddy was only with us for five days but daddy could not get out of the bed and he even with his ALZ he could not think of using a diaper. So for five days when he stated he needed to use the bathroom I would summons my brother, I would leave the room and daddy would use the urinal and it was good. As caregivers we need to set the rules and accept the consequences. So all that to say -- understand what you are doing and know that siblings will get mad, spouses will become jealous from lack of attention and you will become exhausted from the work. Blessings

Welcome to our world (posts here). Really, welcome. Glad you are here. It is an incredible / incredibly helpful site.

My sense:

1) you are the primary care provider - and you have the support of your spouse.
2) you have legal authority.
3) If I were you, I would commit to do what "I" (meaning you) want for your mom. If it gets to be too much, and it likely will, you can always make another decision.
I wonder if you know how much work it really can be - and will be. 10-15 hours of a caregiver won't be enough. You will be on or need caregivers around the clock 24/7.
4) Be clear that you are separating (in your head) the sentimentality of wanting her to be / live out her life in her home) with the reality of what her needs are / will continue to be, i.e., emergency trips to the hospital, incontinence (or already?), insuring she doesn't fall out of bed, or get out of bed... it goes on and on.

5) And, you want her to be as comfortable as possible. Make the decision on what is BEST for HER, not you or not as you would want the situation to be. She already has dementia / that could get worse. If she already needs / would benefit from memory care (24/7), then I believe that is your answer. Put your own wants aside and do what will serve her more / best.

I would though talk to MD, hospital, social worker, and start researching memory care faclities and ask them - what they offer.

You will burn out. No question even if you enjoy most of the care you are providing now. The relationship with your wife will change - as she likely will too (stress, wanting more 'us' time and not able to have it or it will severely decrease with the more time/care your mom needs). I encourage you to not take your spousal relationship for granted - in that I mean, that both of you will continue to feel as you do - a united front / intention. You want to put your marriage FIRST. (Or at least I would). You and/or you mom have the luxury to afford the care of a memory care facility - some / many cannot. It is a balance although don't lose your marriage / that connection due to taking on more than you can handle or think you can handle.

Still, if you want to 'try it out' for a while longer, do - you can always change your mind and place her in a memory care unit/facility (or so I believe). I do not know / see why it is 'essential' to do this transition now (or why your siblings feel that way). Perhaps this is a good question to them ... and medical professionals.

Gena / Touch Matters