How to deal with siblings who differ strongly in their opinion on how to care for our mom who has dementia?

This is YOUR decision to make as you are the one doing the care and you are the POA.
It has nothing to do with the wishes or opinions of the siblings.
HOWEVER
I do not believe that, unless they volunteer time on their own, that you should expect their physical support in this care. It will be up to each of them individually to decide day by day what support they can give.

I wish you luck in this decision and in this care.
I myself always knew that my limitations would preclude doing one on one care in home; I never would have for a single second agree to do it or to regularly contribute if another sibling chose to.

I would suggest you do a solid good shared living expenses contract for yourself with a good attorney. I would hope you make it clear to your Mom that you and your wife wish to TRY this, but that if it doesn't work of ONE of you on every six months assessment, then placement will be necessary.

I do know you likely intend a good neuro-psych evaulation, and that you understand that your mother cannot likely be alone anymore safely, or soon will not be able to be.

I sure do wish you good luck.

Hello, I am new to this opportunity to converse with others, so please forgive me if this feedback is too late. I have been in your shoes. Family dynamics can create additional stress to an already stressful situation, often bringing unresolved conflict to a head. That said, while making significant sacrifices for our loved ones is a common philosophy, there are other options. I am speaking about quitting your job, potentially putting you in financial disadvantage and career advancement. There may be options for home health care that is covered to augment care if not covered completely. I would look into Medicare/Medicaid services, Hospice, Department of Elder Affairs, and Area on Agency in your location for more resources and options. Institutionlization is extremely expensive and the care is less than desirable for those preferring to age with dignitiy in their own home (when possible.) I suggest you research options to present to your siblings to have a reasonable case. Conflict is never easy but deep down you likely all want the best outcome, use that as your foundation.

You’ve already been living with your Mom 9 months a year for 3 years . Does your wife visit you ?? How long do you go without seeing each other ? And now she’s willing to live apart like this all year ?
Did your wife say she would help take care of your Mom?
Or are you assuming she would ?

Don’t discount that moving her now will be better than moving her later. There WILL come a point in time where her needs will outpace your ability to care.

You enjoy caring for her now. With help. From your siblings.

You honestly have no idea what it’s going to be like to care for her by yourself as she declines. Please take off your rose colored glasses.

Your thoughts about keeping her home are nice. It’s very lovely that you would like to consider that. It’s not realistic imo.

You also are in denial about how this will affect your marriage. When you married your wife, you left your family to cleave to her. Your wife and your marriage are more important than your mother staying at home.

Yes, you are in denial.

JD, the beginning of the end of my marriage came about when my ex started working a plane ride away from where the rest of us lived. I realized in short order how peaceful it was to have him gone, and so did my kids.

Not only are you giving up your own freedom to keep mother "aging in place" in her own home, you're giving up the daily contact of your marriage which may not turn out well. Why are you willing to sacrifice SO MUCH to keep mom out of a Memory Care Assisted Living facility where she'd have more social interaction and activities?

A home is 4 walls and a roof. The importance you're placing on this house your mother has lived in her whole life doesn't make sense to what you'll be giving up to facilitate that. A job, a home of your own, your wife's presence, your community, etc. As moms dementia advances, you'll begin questioning your own sanity for making such a decision as you're changing dirty briefs and washing urine soaked sheets daily.

As long as you're willing to surrender when the price gets too high for this in home care, then I wish you good luck and Godspeed. I had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living and it was the best decision for both of us.

I had a similar experience and although my siblings weren’t as adamantly opposed to mom
living with me as yours seem to be, they have been extremely unsupportive. I have no regrets, however. Mom will stay with me until I feel I cannot do it, and when that day comes I have her on the list at a good MC.
I feel strongly that many people who respond on this forum are really invested in people doing what they wish they had done. I definitely understand how isolating and enraging caregiving can be, but sometimes it is also the right choice. I think you are the only person who can decide if it’s worth it to you to upend your life and marriage and possibly end your relationship with your siblings. As long as you always keep in mind things will change and you keep your options open, I think you should do what you think is the best thing for you and yours.

Welcome to the forum!

You asked for feedback, so I will share my thoughts on your situation.

I took care of my mom in my home for 14 years with Parkinson’s disease and dementia towards the end of her life. It became overwhelming and exhausting for me.

My mom lived to be 95 years old. I see where your mom is 89. She may live for quite a few more years.

As you say, it’s not so bad in the beginning stage of care, but when their care needs escalate, it becomes more challenging.

I didn’t receive much support from my siblings. They had their own lives to tend to.

Your siblings have their own lives. Please don’t depend on them to help. Don’t risk destroying your relationship with them over your mom’s care.

A parent’s responsibility to their children is to raise them to be independent, right? That’s how I raised my children. I do not expect them to care for me should I need care in the future.

I would never want my children to give up their entire lives for me. Why should you or your siblings give up your entire lives for your mom? Do you feel that she would want that for any of you?

Your mom is doing what my mom did. She is going along with your decisions. I must tell you that at the end of my mother’s life she told me that she was sorry that I spent so many years caring for her.

I realized that I had trained my mother to become dependent upon me. This wasn’t good for either of us, in spite of my good intentions.

Mom’s care became more than my siblings and I could handle. So, she was placed in an end of life hospice care home.

Mom was perfectly content living in her care home. She had an excellent staff who took very good care of her. We visited her often and she was glad to have us visiting as her children instead of having the heavy burden of being her caregivers.

Please think about the possibility of having your mom cared for around the clock by a professional staff in a facility.

You can become more efficient as an advocate for your mom, than you can by being an actual hands on caregiver. Plus, your wife shouldn’t have to change her life to accommodate your mom’s needs.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

If you have this much say in mom's care--as much as your sibs may be angry with your choice, they also don't have much of a say. You're not allowing them to have any say--and you're not listening to them. You also cannot expect them to jump on board this bandwagon.

Bring mom home and don't expect ANY help from the sibs. They have spoken their opinions and you must respect them. Even if it's through clenched jaws--they've stated that mom should go into care and your taking on 100% of her care--well, that's YOUR choice.

We recently went through this with my MIL.

My SIL would not even entertain any thoughts of placing MIL in a facility. She alone cared for MIL as she went downhill, slowly and steadily.

My DH wanted nothing to do with the situation--but out of love for his SISTER, he took early retirement and got on board the train that went nowhere. OB slowly stepped up also. (His own wife is ill and should not be left alone)

It was a huge mess and I sat back, with no voice or valued opinion as I watched these 3 individuals try their mightiest to keep MIL happy & safe at home.

In the end--OB cracked under the pressure. DH was PoA but would not do anything that opposed his SIL's will. So we had this going on for a year.

Even if DH and OB had not stepped up, SIL would have killed herself in the service of her mother. It was, well, ridiculous, and honestly? just stupid.

OB simply began looking at ALF's. DH went along with the ride. SIL thought she could still make FT care at home a possibility. W/O the PT help of OB, the 3 legged stool of support cracked and broke.

MIL wound up in an ALF and to the utter shock of the kids, she was deemed a level 4 care--almost a 5. She was actually in the process of being OK'ed for a placement in either the MC division of this facility or a psychiatric ward in a hospital setting. She had been in that state for months, yet the kids were too close to the problem to see clearly.

She died 8 days after being moved to the ALF, and she was never alone, not for a single minute, until the night before she died--it was Valentine's Day and the kids all wanted to spend at least a small portion of that day with their spouses.

I know the desire to make mom happy--and quell your own sense of guilt is hard. We lived it for years. It DEFINITELY impacted my marriage for the worse, and also OB's. We're now working on trying to 'find' each other.

In the end, you'll do what you want to do. As much as I bet you nobody on this site is going to be super supportive of that---it is, ultimately, up to you.

You don't need our opinions on what to do. I found that my SIL didn't give a hoot about what I thought, and my worries about how her 'choice' for her mother impacted 6+ grown adults--all she could see what was she wanted for her mom.

Your mother is not going to get better and better. She's going to have more problems and issues and she will eventually take over your entire life.

Sadly, I know this because this is almost always exactly what happens.

Do what you want and be mindful that your sibs do not have to support you in this.

(Don't mean to sound so judgy--but we're only 3 weeks out from MIL's death and still in the early stages of grief. I do know of which I am speaking.)

Yeeow! What a decision! If you are willing to do it as it has been said expect nothing from your siblings. I cared for my parents, sister and brother. I expected nothing from my siblings until my father was bedridden and my brother wanted him home. I had a long talk with him and we agreed that if daddy came home my brother (eldest) would be in charge of bathing him. I would do other things. Well, when it did happen daddy was only with us for five days but daddy could not get out of the bed and he even with his ALZ he could not think of using a diaper. So for five days when he stated he needed to use the bathroom I would summons my brother, I would leave the room and daddy would use the urinal and it was good. As caregivers we need to set the rules and accept the consequences. So all that to say -- understand what you are doing and know that siblings will get mad, spouses will become jealous from lack of attention and you will become exhausted from the work. Blessings

You'd be willing to live with mom and your wife supports that. Meaning she moves in WITH you or you do this alone?

As PoA, you don't need to have the approval of any of your siblings if you are willing to do the hands-on, in-home care. And, your siblings aren't under any obligation to help you at any point, not physically or financially or emotionally. So, don't expect that from any of them and don't hold it against them. It's their choice and you can't assume anyone into the caregiving role... especially your wife -- she's the one who may be most affected by your decision.

Right now, neither you nor your wife can imagine how limited and stressful your lives may become if you keep her at home. As long as you read the other posts on this forum under the topic of Burnout and can honestly say that you're willing to change your Mom's care arrangement if your wife becomes unhappy with the commitment, then go for it.

Can you afford to retire early? Are you supporting your Mom financially or does she have enough SS/other assets to cover her needs and outside help?

Does your wife have aging parents? If so, what happens if they start to go south as well?

Since you have POA, it is your decision.
What reasons does your sister give ?

Your mother should not be alone at all . She needs 24/7 care and it will get more difficult AND could go on for YEARS since you say she is healthy . Perhaps your sister is more realistic about the situation and is trying to save you from upending your life for some obligation you feel .

You have a very understanding wife FOR NOW . This may grow OLD fast . Why do you feel you need to upend your marriage so your mother can die in her house ? As your mother’s dementia progresses sadly the many visitors will stop coming even to her home .

Your sister isn’t doing any caregiving . It doesn’t effect her , yet she is urging you not to take this on . Think about that .

Read other threads here where people are in over their heads , and marriages in ruin. You may then listen to your siblings.