They are 73 & 75. They have always drank but maintain, they do not have a drinking problem. They definitely do. I am an only child, I have no outside help or support. They have made it impossible to want to care for them. They are extremely angry. They have fought with each other my whole life. They have been extremely mean and intrusive to my husband for 25+ years. I have three children who they have been extremely rude, and mean too. Verbally, demoralizing, and physically to one. All of my children have walked away from them. My husband wants me to walk away and let them be alone, they have been extremely mean to him over the years, I know it seems harsh. But they are toxic. Nothing helps. Their feelings are, it's their life, they can do what they want. They accuse everyone of only being around them for their money, they don't have any! They get defensive, and go at my adult children like a pit bull enraged. They caused so much stress on my oldest who was always loyal to them, that they caused her to have her baby early, due to preclampsia stress. They call me a caregiver, but I'm not. I only have a say if I sugar coat words, and act like I'm on their side. I am not allowed to speak to their doctors. I want to write a letter to their doctors, because how can the doctor not see they have issues?
But knowing nothing else besides they are mean to you, to your husband, to your children, to each other, that they drink too much, and that they don’t want you to know much about their lives, what do you want someone to tell you?
What reason(s) do you have to be around the! What has ever earned their loyalty? Why would you, as the connection to them, encourage anyone whom YOU LOVE to be anywhere near them?
If “All (my) children have walked away from them” why ON EARTH did they walk back?
It appears from what YOU SAY, that they have told you over and over and over AND OVER who they are. WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO THEM????
If they don’t want normal, positive, reasonable relations with people, why do YOU persist in attempting to establish something THEY DON’T WANT AND WON’T DO?
Likely their doctor backs away from helping because s/he sees that you are there. Step away and let social services step in.
"They accuse everyone of only being around them for their money, they don't have any! They get defensive, and go at my adult children like a pit bull enraged. They caused so much stress on my oldest who was always loyal to them, that they caused her to have her baby early, due to preclampsia stress."
That should be it for you -- leave them to their own devices, and stay out of their lives. If they have no money, let APS step in when things get so out-of-control that they can't take care of themselves.
Tough love isn't just for children!
Have you considered an AL-Anon Family support group?
I don't have experience here, hopefully others that do will come along soon.
I would imagine accepting where they & limiting contact may be key.
When my parents got married my Mom thought it would be nice to invite her estranged father to dinner. The estrangement came because he left her and her mother. He came drunk and all he talked about was the children he had with the woman he left my Grandmother for and never married even after my GMs death. He had 5 with my GM. My Dad kicked him out and told him not to come back. Dad was 24.
Cut your losses, and get your sanity back and your stress levels down. It's really a no brainer. It's not worth one more day of their aggravation. Time for your mom and dad to figure out things on their own, and for you and your family to have peace again.
That's about it. Then go sign up for Al-Anon so the guilt won't eat you up. You'll get to meet lots of others in the same boat as you are and learn that you don't have to be the victim anymore. There's another way to handle this. And that's how you get out of the nightmare you've been living in. With support and understanding from other's going through the same thing as you are.
I'm sorry you've all been put in such a position & that your parents have chosen their drug of choice over a good relationship with their children & grandchildren. That's the nature of addiction though: to the exclusion of all else. Sad but true.
Good luck
But now at 37 she has her life straightened out. She detoxed on her own, she studied to get her cdl license and now has a good job driving for the county. And shes clean and sober.
You have allowed your parents to abuse your children and your husband. You allowed abuse even after your parents physically abused one of your children. If I was married to you, or if you were my mother, I would have left you a long time ago.
You owe your children and husband apologies. And that will mean stepping away from your abusive, alcoholic parents and explaining to your parents why you are stepping away from them. Put your husband and children first and rebuild your family without your toxic parents.
You may want to consider therapy for yourself to explore why you allowed your parents to abuse you, your husband, and your children for so long. And why you seem to care more about getting a doctor to "see they have issues" than caring for yourself and your own family.