I’m pretty sure my elderly mother has NPD. Since a child I always felt responsible for her happiness, well-being, etc. Her favourite phrase, “What about me?” She is constantly in the back of my head and I wonder if anyone has tips to get her out of my head and not hear her negativity so I can enjoy my day. I should also point out my siblings are her henchmen and come down on me like a ton of bricks if not serving her.
Many of us were raised by mothers who probably shouldn't have had children. Having said that, well, we have to find validation, love, support--whatever, from other sources, primarily from ourselves.
In therapy I learned to 'visualize' my life as 'I' wanted it to be, not as it neccessarily was. Not lying to myself, but imagining my life without the drama/guilt and such that having a NPD mother brought.
It's a change of your basic paradigm--actually realizing that you are in charge of you--and knowing how to talk and act and control situations that become unpleasant. Changing your mindset, so to speak.
My mom died last Fall. We were on OK terms, and I have to be honest that I am still struggling a little with some 'undone business'--but I also realize that I can do almost NOTHING at this point, but work on my shifting paradigm.
I would highly suggest a good therapist to help you work through these feelings. As far as your sibs? Well, I had 5 and each of us had a very different takeaway from our childhoods with mom. I'm much more sensitive than any of my sibs and I 'feel' a lot. This is a good and bad trait. Therapy helped me to establish better boundaries and to not take everything so personally, even if it was VERY personal.
I hope you can get help and not allow bad feelings about your mom take up any more rent free space in your head.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent
Find the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud at your local library or bookstore.
Find yourself a therapist to work with on letting go of your family's destructive expectations.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
As far as how to get mom to stop occupying space in your head goes, I was never overly successful with that until after my mother passed away at 95 years old, to be honest with you. Some people just have to be out of our lives before the changes can actually take place. #Truth
Some things aren't as simple as "just" finding something else to occupy your mind bc the mother issues slither back in, as intended. It's part of their goal, to keep us mired in FOG, fear obligation and guilt. It's a complicated mess, really.
Best of luck to you navigating difficult territory.
You cant change their personality, it is the fabric of their being. You can get therapy, I have not because I am in a place of understanding and am at peace believe it or not.
my older sister has a tough time dealing with my Mother. There are a few phrases I use and she has used that we find helpful. When you are in the midst of a moment tell yourself you are Switzerland. Remain neutral for your sanity.
You can’t expect a porcupine to become a pussy cat.
I can’t change the person with NPD but I can change how I deal with them.
The one thing I have learned is that they don’t change because there is nothing wrong with them in their mind. You can go no contact or you can just deal with them in a way that preserves your sanity.
I feel for you because it is so extremely difficult to deal with NPD
If you think about it your mom has been in your head since the day you were born. When something like that has been under your skin for that long it is more difficult to get out. ADD to that the "guilt" that is piled upon you when trying to establish boundaries.
Your siblings have learned techniques from mom and are using the same tactics that have been used on you and them for all your lives.
(joking ...you can take a page form an OLD movie, I think it was South Pacific..one of the songs I'm Gonna Wash that Man Right outa My Hair. Just start humming it.)
It takes practice, but it does work. Good luck!
https://youtu.be/GjWR5WlYWVM
Another one
https://youtu.be/2GpNZEescpU
Another lol
https://youtu.be/Xfygu8JdfiA
https://youtu.be/z1JVHyTBAbw
I have a theory, maybe because when I was young I too wanted to make my parents happy. I think its your personality. You are a people pleaser. I also think your looking for love that Mom cannot give. And Mom knows you are looking for love and preys on it.
Do you live on your own or with Mom? How old are you, how old is Mom. Do you work? Have a family of your own? What you have to realize is you cannot make Mom happy. All your doing is running yourself ragged. You need to set boundaries. Yes everyone will try to cross them but you stand firm. You are not the only child Mom has. The book suggested is a good start. Look up "Grey Rock" maybe able to use the technique.
You see & feel the issue, changing it is the hard part. I found when I got too involved in someone else's life, their life started to smother mine. That's how it felt. That every day my brain became more skewed towards fixing their problems, thinking about their life. My own life withered.
Re-focusing on my life again was key. Councelling asked me questions (just as Barb said) that challenged my thoughts & then I made small changes. This had a positive knock-on effect. From where I stand today, out of the F.O.G I can see so much clearer.
See All Answers