Three years ago my partner got cancer of the left tonsil. He is now cancer free, but the experience has totally changed him and our relationship. He has never fully recovered and is constantly having medical problems and going to doctors.
We used to have so much fun and now he depends on me to make most decisions. He has no energy to go anywhere and mostly watches TV when we are not together.
I am seriously grieving for our lost relationship and don't know how to handle it. I know I can't bring back what was, but it's so awful watching his slow decline.
I will certainly look up The Grief Recovery Handbook as I am a reader and that may help.
With all the restrictions now, I'm not sure I can do counseling, but maybe in the future.
We are not married, but have been a couple for 19 years, so not much different.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful suggestions.
May I recommend the book, "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It is amazing.
There may also be grief support groups offered at no cost through local hospice providers. I went through Crossroad Hospice and it was excellent; we read and discussed "The Grief Recovery Handbook" cover to cover and it was remarkably helpful.
Grief is grief is grief. We don't have to lose a person to death to feel it. There were people who participated who had lost careers, life savings, friendships, or were in situations similar to yours. The loss of an active, equal partnership in a relationship is not only very stressful, but is often the cause of real, undeniable grief.
Take care of yourself.
After my husband survived a serious illness, I noticed we were duplicating what my friend had recounted. I shared this with my husband and we worked on re-establishing our relationship. Realizing it had changed, we had to resist the excess fighting and come to a common ground.
It wasn't easy, but with time, we found a new relationship.
I had cancer about three years ago and this is the first year I have enough energy to tackle anything above the basics. Thankfully, my husband gave me the time to fully recover.
Funny thing, I went back and thanked that friend for sharing. I truly believe it saved my marriage. She doesn't remember saying it. I do as it's one of those moments that sticks in your memory.
I wish you good luck and with time and work it can get better from here.
Sending you hugs of support.
1. During treatment most days are about the job of getting better, not dealing with the emotions. After it's over, it takes time to process what just happened. I echo the recommendations for depression screening or counseling to process how life changed.
2. Sometimes the treatments (chemo) can alter or dull thinking. Look up chemo brain. This does get better, but sure takes time. A neuropsychologist referral would help sort this out.
3. It is so easy to get tired. Either physically or mentally, stamina isn't the same. Energy conservation, choosing what to spend that energy on, is critical. It does get better.
4. My husband's faithfully being my stabilizer through it all was invaluable.
I hope these thoughts help some.
Baby steps with him is what I recommend. Short outing to something he really used to enjoy. As he builds strength, in brain and body, you may be back to doing things you used to.
I have been treated for depression for 15 years and can attest to the fact that the proper medication can make life worthwhile again. But know that the meds can take 6-8 weeks to become fully effective, although there is improvement rather quickly. Also, there are different types that work different ways. I take an SSRI, but there are other kinds.
BEST of luck to you.
If, on the other hand, he's inventing medical problems that don't really exist, he could be depressed and benefit from medication to help with that issue. In certain instances, anti depressants can be like a light switch is turned back on in a person who's suffering the ravages of depression. Lack of energy and being uninterested in activities are two big red flags for signs of depression.
Wishing you the best of luck in a tough situation, my friend.
I know they have grief support groups for people who have lost loved ones, but now I am thinking that might be what we both need, even though our loved ones are still here.
Hang in there and enjoy the time you still have together, whatever that looks like. God bless you.