My dad died suddenly, though not unexpectedly, last month. I've posted here about him while he was alive but the recap he had cancer twice over a period of years, and eventually about 6 months ago started being hospitalised repeatedly with lung infections and sepsis, ultimately suddenly passing from pneumonia whilst in recovery from sepsis. My mom has life limiting leukemia. We're a small family and I have one sister who lives maybe 15 miles away.
I moved home from abroad a few years ago when my dad's health started to decline as my sister wasn't really useful and my mom was finding it tough. He never became terribly dependant on me or my mom really (compared to other posts I read here) but things were tough for him. He'd always been the strong I-can-fix-anything dad and gradually his body stopped co-operating. My sister wouldn't be the kind to visit or help out much at all, even when he was at his sickest. That was her decision and she's entitled to make it. Neither her nor her husband work and they have a lot of free time, but for reasons known to them they elected not to spend it visiting or helping either of my parents, even when I moved back overseas about a month before my dad died and my parents were back to being just the two of them at the house. I came back (again!) when my dad was taken into ICU a few days after I left, and I let my job go as I couldn't say for sure when I would make it back. So I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily whilst I job hunt, and helping my mom wade through the swathes of paperwork that go along with someone dying.
As if by magic, now that my dad is gone my sister and her husband are all over my mom like a rash. Constantly showing up at her house (wouldn't see them from one end of the week to the next before), wanting to go through my dad's things, talking about his finances etc. My mom says it's because they're hoping for a cut of my dad's life insurance (he co-signed on their mortgage and seeing as they choose not to work they can barely make their payments). What my mom does with her money is entirely up to her, but my heart is aching and my blood is boiling for all the times my dad needed their help and they wouldn't come, and when he wanted her to visit but she chose not to.
I know that this is my issue to work through, I couldn't make her help when he was alive and I managed to let that go at the time. I don't think it's guilt on her part that's led to this 180 change in character (I'd be inclined to agree with my mom's assertion!) and the rage is making me go bananas. I'm reluctant to leave as my mom's taken my dad's death very hard (she already suffers from depression) and I would worry about her being alone, but the compulsion to let go at my sister is growing! Help!
I guess it's the emotional side I am really struggling with and I'm wondering how other people deal with that. I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate my sister (her husband maybe!) but the sheer rage I have toward her is what scares me, and I feel like it will only damage me in the end. She'll sail away doing whatever she pleases as usual without a care in the world no doubt.
When my dad was sick she did nothing, like literally nothing, while her and her husband are both unemployed out of choice and had all the free time to visit even just to pass some time with him. This magical turnabout is what galls me - where the heck were they when he needed them most? And why now? I doubt it's guilt, they're not really built that way!
My mom says she doesn't like them calling around (they both have a key from when they lived here and will show up unannounced and let themselves in) but she won't try and broach it with them at all (and I'm not going to push her to, she's grieving my father and that's plenty for her to shoulder). The husband talks a lot about 'we' - oh we have plenty of time to pick the headstone, oh we can look through his things and both my mom and I hate it. I feel like screaming 'oh we? Like suddenly you're part of this when all the hard work is done??!' but I know it would upset my mom.
So what do I do for my own sanity? Help!
You and your mom seem to be on the same page and she has voiced her opinions so the door is open to discuss boundaries with her.
I would also add that although you are currently a guest in the home it is likely to be your home for quite a while given Mom's fragile health and assuming you will assume the roll of her caretaker as she needs more help.
With her permission next time this pair fly in request they key and ask that they call ahead in future to let Mom know when they are comming. While she appreciates their concern and "desire" to help with Dad's paperwork and pocessions she wants to take care of this on her own as she understands exactly how he liked things done and having someone else "help" is just an added burden for her.
Unexpected visits are very disrupting and may interupt something she is in the middle of doing which is hard anyway. As far as Dad's belongings are concerned it is far too early and painful to begin disposing of anything. She wants things left as he left them for the time being. When she is ready to face it she will tell them what she is ready to let go and they can choose things that can be of use to them.
Above all make it clear that the house key does not leave with them the next time they visit.
All of that being said it is perfectly reasonable to a family member to have a house key and I personally would not be concerned but in this case the vultures clearly have an ulterior motive.
Is it possible that dad had been helping out with the mortgage payments from time to time and not telling Mom? All this is clearly money motivated and has nothing to do eith mom's welfare. I assume they know the contents of the parents wills so if there is something comming from Dad it will appear when the executers have completed their job and it is filed. Their fear is that Mom will change hers or her money will be eaten up in her final care.
So the short answer is set your boudaries and don't waste your emotional health on them.
My mom is scared of confrontation with my sister so although she doesn't like them having keys (certainly not the husband anyway!) she doesn't want to be the one to say anything. But if I say something I sound like the crazy controlling sister. My mom doesn't mind so much my sister having a key in case of emergency. Changing the locks would feel kind of extreme and my mom would end up giving my sister a new key in the end I expect.
I don't think my mom is the type to play us off against each other as such, though my sister claimed during our altercation on the doorstep that my mom and dad hated me being back home and wished I would leave. I asked my parents about that at the time and they said they hadn't said it, and my sister would lie about just about anything, but I guess you never know either.
In general my mom's line on it all is that although she's uncomfortable and doesn't like what's going on, my sister is 'her daughter too' and that's the end of it. I'm not asking my mom to disown her by the way!
I think my sister may feel like I'm pulling the strings and there's a risk that somehow I would manipulate my mom into changing her own will. That wouldn't happen (from my perspective at least) as my mom is in full control of her affairs and her/my dad were always very clear that no matter what things would end up 50/50 between the kids. Her and my dad were very black and white about such things.
The husband is going to show up later to mow the lawns. You know, the lawns I mowed all the time my dad was too sick to do them. He was gonna let himself in while my mom and I were out the other day so he could do some DIY - so my mom locked the house from the inside leaving the key in the door and we went out the back way! He doesn't have a key to the back door ;)
Mom hates confrontation? So what she does is she gives the message to one of you and he's it gets resolved. But what actually happens is you guys end up seeing the other as the bad guy.
I would suggest that getting yourself some therapy might be a wise investment in your own future.
I've been thinking about bereavement counselling anyway which is kind of where this came from - as I realised that more of my upset in a way comes from what's going on at home as opposed to the fact that my dad is gone if you know what I mean? Not that I'm not sad and missing him, but I could see myself in my head walking into a therapist's office to talk about that and ending up talking about my sister!
If mom won't stand up to sister, she either needs to find someone else to complain to (friend or other relative) or you need to get counseling, so that you can manage being in the middle. You're in an impossible emotional position right now. No wonder you're feeling rage and feel like you're going to explode. I would too.
They visited today and my mom had some kind of argument with my sister, all I heard was my sister screeching at my mom, and now my mom has booked and paid for a 2 week all inclusive overseas vacation for all of them to go on in a couple of months. I guess my sister and her husband need a break from their hectic lives of doing nothing. Taking deep breaths!
If you weren't on close terms before your father's death (my condolences, and please remember that it's very early days for you all) it's extremely difficult for you to confront your sister candidly and ask her what she's trying to accomplish. I imagine - do you suppose? - that her view is that she and her husband are "rallying round" to be supportive of your recently widowed mother. In the ideal world you would look her in the eye and say "you do not accept money from her. Are we clear?" Actually, you might give that approach some thought anyway. She needs to know what her behaviour looks like to the outside observer, because it's not pretty and she needn't think nobody's noticed.
My condolences on the death of your father, and the troubles with your sister. Who knows why people do things that they do?
Is the mortgage provider in the UK? - because as far as I (dimly) remember, life insurance is a requirement and you may find that there is a claim under that policy. When you say he co-signed, was he a guarantor or was he a part-owner of the property? I think you'd better suggest to your mother that she takes a closer look at this - she may need professional advice.
My parents were/are hard working people, not something-for-nothing people. They were frugal and worked incredibly hard for a lot of years for what they now have. So her lifestyle choice that they both remain unemployed because it's more comfortable to be on welfare didn't sit right with my parents. However they would give them money so, as my mom would say, they don't end up homeless and living back with them!
Regarding the mortgage, that's what the argument yesterday was about apparently. Totally out of character for my dad but he never kept a copy of exactly what he signed. I was living away at the time but according to my mom my sister sold them a story about him being a 'temporary guarantor' and because butter wouldn't melt in my sister's mouth he signed it with no legal advice. Then when the letters started to arrive from the bank keeping him informed that they weren't paying the mortgage he got really worried about it and when I visited home he would ask me what he should do and could the bank take his house etc. I told him he really needed to get a copy of what he had signed, but every time he or my mom would ask my sister she'd fly into a tantrum and start crying/screaming about how unfair it was and they were putting pressure on her etc. which is also what happened yesterday.
When I took my mom to the lawyer so she could get my dad's will and just discuss any formalities I told her she needed to ask his advice on what might happen with my sister's mortgage. There is a kind of urban legend here that the bank has x number of years to purue a deceased guarantor before they can no longer come after the estate, but nothing concrete really. She had to call me in to discuss it with the lawyer as she couldn't get her head round it - and the lawyer said we really needed to see what my dad had signed but that alerting the bank to the fact he has passed away was probably not the best idea (in case they decided to automatically call in the loan and pursue my mom). He said my sister's lawyer would have kept a copy with the house purchase and to ask my sister. Which my mom did yesterday, which then led to my sister's meltdown, and my mom buying them an overseas vacation to make everyone feel better.
I actually feel like this is my fault - there was a lot to sort out after my dad died and various difficulties with the hospital, insurance company etc. My mom asked me to sort it all out and let me do it (and some of it was very difficult as there was some question over the cause of death after he'd been interred without autopsy). I did it because I felt she couldn't and because she asked. And after all that she drops a few thousand bucks taking them on vacation. In a weird way it feels like total slap in the face to me in so much as my mom would let me cut myself in two to help her out and then the ones who do absolutely nothing get a vacation to reward the fact they did nothing to help anyone and in fact made things more difficult. I should have left it all flounder but my conscience wouldn't let me even if I wanted to.
In your shoes, I would make sure MOM'S lawyer sees the lay of the land and get back to your career. These folks are only going to take you down with them. There are too, too many stories on here of nice people who tried to do the right thing. Then evil sibling manipulates easily cowed, possibly demented parent into saying she's being abused or exploited by the "good" kid.
I'm not sure that your mom has all of her cognitive abilities. If she does, then she's deeply enmeshed with your sister emotionally and can't see the forest for the trees. Just be sure to protect yourself in all of this. It sounds like it will get a lot uglier.
I don't have POA in relation to my mom, no-one does. I don't think she'd take kindly to the suggestion, even if it's just a formality to protect her in the future. Now that things have started to sour a little once more between me and my sister I think my mom is suspicious of my motives, and I'm sure my sister is sowing some seeds in that regard. My mom raised the issue of the vacation with me last night and when I said 'where was she the whole time dad was sick' I got a reply that it's hard with a baby (keep in mind neither she nor her husband works and both are fit and healthy). It's hard with a baby but obviously the whole thing was a piece of cake for me because I don't have a baby right?
I'm researching counsellors locally so hopefully will have an appointment later this week or early next week. My gut feeling is to bow out of this now and let whatever is gonna happen, happen. My mom and dad were blind to my sister's ways for years before this even though she's upfront about the kind of person she is. She's become best friends with a spinster aunt of ours in the last 12 months or so as she's hoping she'll get left an inheritance - and she's quite open with mom about it!
Someone needs to look after this stuff in an active manner.