My dad died suddenly, though not unexpectedly, last month. I've posted here about him while he was alive but the recap he had cancer twice over a period of years, and eventually about 6 months ago started being hospitalised repeatedly with lung infections and sepsis, ultimately suddenly passing from pneumonia whilst in recovery from sepsis. My mom has life limiting leukemia. We're a small family and I have one sister who lives maybe 15 miles away.
I moved home from abroad a few years ago when my dad's health started to decline as my sister wasn't really useful and my mom was finding it tough. He never became terribly dependant on me or my mom really (compared to other posts I read here) but things were tough for him. He'd always been the strong I-can-fix-anything dad and gradually his body stopped co-operating. My sister wouldn't be the kind to visit or help out much at all, even when he was at his sickest. That was her decision and she's entitled to make it. Neither her nor her husband work and they have a lot of free time, but for reasons known to them they elected not to spend it visiting or helping either of my parents, even when I moved back overseas about a month before my dad died and my parents were back to being just the two of them at the house. I came back (again!) when my dad was taken into ICU a few days after I left, and I let my job go as I couldn't say for sure when I would make it back. So I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily whilst I job hunt, and helping my mom wade through the swathes of paperwork that go along with someone dying.
As if by magic, now that my dad is gone my sister and her husband are all over my mom like a rash. Constantly showing up at her house (wouldn't see them from one end of the week to the next before), wanting to go through my dad's things, talking about his finances etc. My mom says it's because they're hoping for a cut of my dad's life insurance (he co-signed on their mortgage and seeing as they choose not to work they can barely make their payments). What my mom does with her money is entirely up to her, but my heart is aching and my blood is boiling for all the times my dad needed their help and they wouldn't come, and when he wanted her to visit but she chose not to.
I know that this is my issue to work through, I couldn't make her help when he was alive and I managed to let that go at the time. I don't think it's guilt on her part that's led to this 180 change in character (I'd be inclined to agree with my mom's assertion!) and the rage is making me go bananas. I'm reluctant to leave as my mom's taken my dad's death very hard (she already suffers from depression) and I would worry about her being alone, but the compulsion to let go at my sister is growing! Help!
Yes, someone please tell me to just fly off into the sunset and hope my mom is well looked after by my sister! Looking at past behaviour I'm not convinced she would be.
Incidentally, I would have mom's cognitive faculties checked out by a specialist.
Does therapy help you to remove yourself when the situation is just awful? I'd love to move back to my home but that's overseas and when my mom's condition worsens I won't be a car ride away - and that's the factor I always agonise over.
You don't have to approve of it, but if his life insurance policy underwrote the mortgage then she's not in trouble and she won't lose her house. Which is a good thing (oh yes it is!) that your mother at least will be relieved to hear. Save telling your sister exactly what you think of her principles for later; for now, get this muddle sorted out.
Someone needs to look after this stuff in an active manner.
I don't have POA in relation to my mom, no-one does. I don't think she'd take kindly to the suggestion, even if it's just a formality to protect her in the future. Now that things have started to sour a little once more between me and my sister I think my mom is suspicious of my motives, and I'm sure my sister is sowing some seeds in that regard. My mom raised the issue of the vacation with me last night and when I said 'where was she the whole time dad was sick' I got a reply that it's hard with a baby (keep in mind neither she nor her husband works and both are fit and healthy). It's hard with a baby but obviously the whole thing was a piece of cake for me because I don't have a baby right?
I'm researching counsellors locally so hopefully will have an appointment later this week or early next week. My gut feeling is to bow out of this now and let whatever is gonna happen, happen. My mom and dad were blind to my sister's ways for years before this even though she's upfront about the kind of person she is. She's become best friends with a spinster aunt of ours in the last 12 months or so as she's hoping she'll get left an inheritance - and she's quite open with mom about it!
I'm not sure that your mom has all of her cognitive abilities. If she does, then she's deeply enmeshed with your sister emotionally and can't see the forest for the trees. Just be sure to protect yourself in all of this. It sounds like it will get a lot uglier.
In your shoes, I would make sure MOM'S lawyer sees the lay of the land and get back to your career. These folks are only going to take you down with them. There are too, too many stories on here of nice people who tried to do the right thing. Then evil sibling manipulates easily cowed, possibly demented parent into saying she's being abused or exploited by the "good" kid.
I actually feel like this is my fault - there was a lot to sort out after my dad died and various difficulties with the hospital, insurance company etc. My mom asked me to sort it all out and let me do it (and some of it was very difficult as there was some question over the cause of death after he'd been interred without autopsy). I did it because I felt she couldn't and because she asked. And after all that she drops a few thousand bucks taking them on vacation. In a weird way it feels like total slap in the face to me in so much as my mom would let me cut myself in two to help her out and then the ones who do absolutely nothing get a vacation to reward the fact they did nothing to help anyone and in fact made things more difficult. I should have left it all flounder but my conscience wouldn't let me even if I wanted to.
My parents were/are hard working people, not something-for-nothing people. They were frugal and worked incredibly hard for a lot of years for what they now have. So her lifestyle choice that they both remain unemployed because it's more comfortable to be on welfare didn't sit right with my parents. However they would give them money so, as my mom would say, they don't end up homeless and living back with them!
Regarding the mortgage, that's what the argument yesterday was about apparently. Totally out of character for my dad but he never kept a copy of exactly what he signed. I was living away at the time but according to my mom my sister sold them a story about him being a 'temporary guarantor' and because butter wouldn't melt in my sister's mouth he signed it with no legal advice. Then when the letters started to arrive from the bank keeping him informed that they weren't paying the mortgage he got really worried about it and when I visited home he would ask me what he should do and could the bank take his house etc. I told him he really needed to get a copy of what he had signed, but every time he or my mom would ask my sister she'd fly into a tantrum and start crying/screaming about how unfair it was and they were putting pressure on her etc. which is also what happened yesterday.
When I took my mom to the lawyer so she could get my dad's will and just discuss any formalities I told her she needed to ask his advice on what might happen with my sister's mortgage. There is a kind of urban legend here that the bank has x number of years to purue a deceased guarantor before they can no longer come after the estate, but nothing concrete really. She had to call me in to discuss it with the lawyer as she couldn't get her head round it - and the lawyer said we really needed to see what my dad had signed but that alerting the bank to the fact he has passed away was probably not the best idea (in case they decided to automatically call in the loan and pursue my mom). He said my sister's lawyer would have kept a copy with the house purchase and to ask my sister. Which my mom did yesterday, which then led to my sister's meltdown, and my mom buying them an overseas vacation to make everyone feel better.
Is the mortgage provider in the UK? - because as far as I (dimly) remember, life insurance is a requirement and you may find that there is a claim under that policy. When you say he co-signed, was he a guarantor or was he a part-owner of the property? I think you'd better suggest to your mother that she takes a closer look at this - she may need professional advice.
My condolences on the death of your father, and the troubles with your sister. Who knows why people do things that they do?
If you weren't on close terms before your father's death (my condolences, and please remember that it's very early days for you all) it's extremely difficult for you to confront your sister candidly and ask her what she's trying to accomplish. I imagine - do you suppose? - that her view is that she and her husband are "rallying round" to be supportive of your recently widowed mother. In the ideal world you would look her in the eye and say "you do not accept money from her. Are we clear?" Actually, you might give that approach some thought anyway. She needs to know what her behaviour looks like to the outside observer, because it's not pretty and she needn't think nobody's noticed.
They visited today and my mom had some kind of argument with my sister, all I heard was my sister screeching at my mom, and now my mom has booked and paid for a 2 week all inclusive overseas vacation for all of them to go on in a couple of months. I guess my sister and her husband need a break from their hectic lives of doing nothing. Taking deep breaths!
If mom won't stand up to sister, she either needs to find someone else to complain to (friend or other relative) or you need to get counseling, so that you can manage being in the middle. You're in an impossible emotional position right now. No wonder you're feeling rage and feel like you're going to explode. I would too.
I've been thinking about bereavement counselling anyway which is kind of where this came from - as I realised that more of my upset in a way comes from what's going on at home as opposed to the fact that my dad is gone if you know what I mean? Not that I'm not sad and missing him, but I could see myself in my head walking into a therapist's office to talk about that and ending up talking about my sister!
Mom hates confrontation? So what she does is she gives the message to one of you and he's it gets resolved. But what actually happens is you guys end up seeing the other as the bad guy.
I would suggest that getting yourself some therapy might be a wise investment in your own future.
I think my sister may feel like I'm pulling the strings and there's a risk that somehow I would manipulate my mom into changing her own will. That wouldn't happen (from my perspective at least) as my mom is in full control of her affairs and her/my dad were always very clear that no matter what things would end up 50/50 between the kids. Her and my dad were very black and white about such things.
The husband is going to show up later to mow the lawns. You know, the lawns I mowed all the time my dad was too sick to do them. He was gonna let himself in while my mom and I were out the other day so he could do some DIY - so my mom locked the house from the inside leaving the key in the door and we went out the back way! He doesn't have a key to the back door ;)