My mom is still a smart, manipulative yet charming person. She’s in her late 70’s and has numerous medical issues but not life threatening as in cancer, etc. She has a history of alcohol and pill addiction. 2 yrs ago her son and grandson were killed in a plane crash. (my brother and nephew). 3 months later her best friend died of cancer. Since then she has completely spiraled out of control leaving my brother (who’s son and brother was in that plane) and myself to pick up her pieces. After numerous visits to emergency rooms she decided to move into an assisted living facility. Since then she has completely withdrawn from life. She was a vibrant, loving, nurturing, busy body who loved to shop and garden and was heavily involved in her church. Now we are left with a hermit who won’t eat, take her meds, won’t except visitors and is a total recluse. She has never dealt with her grief and claims she has nothing to live for. Death is next according to her.
Her latest incident ended her up here up in a nursing home for over a month and now she is back home at assisted living and we have made the home in charge of her meds. That was one of the issues we were having was that her meds were getting all messed up. I’m not sure why? There is only 8 PAGES OF THEM! Different discussion on a different day.
She is pissed of course because she doesn’t have that control anymore. Side note- remember we are dealing with an addict and while she was in nursing home I found secret stashes of pills everywhere. They were prescribed. But she hoards them. Then when she doesn’t want to feel anything anymore that’s her escape.
So fast forward-she says nothing will ever make her stop feeling the pain of her loss, that she has no real reason to live, she is just existing. She has no desire to find relationship or form new ones. She’s given up.
How do I help her?
How do I help my brother who is also still grieving?
How do u process the fact that the mom you once had is gone ?
She needs help but she has to want it. You can support her but I think she needs professional help. She can will herself to die, my MIL did it.
Has your mother been trying to take her own life, in fact?
How have you dealt with the loss of your brother and nephew? - I ask, because I'm not sure you can help other people unless you've at least found a way that works for you.
What kind of best friend was it that she lost? A person she'd known for decades, a close companion, effectively her other half, what sort of relationship did they have?
Presumably, at some point over the last couple of years your mother has been seen by mental health specialists of one sort or another, hasn't she? What have they had to say, any recommendations?
What reasons did she give for her decision to move to the ALF?
Just on the face of it. I wonder if one thing you can do in the immediate short term is accept that perhaps your mother has a point. She is in terrible psychic pain (I know others are too, but that's another matter). She thinks she is too old to begin again (she isn't, but again). It is easier for her to give up. So... what if she's right? If you were to accept her point of view, would it change how you interacted with her?
It sounds as though your mother is a job for a specialist. Love from close family is incredibly important in healing grief - that's not only obvious but also well demonstrated through research :) - but it can't do the trick on its own.
And to repeat - how are you doing?
Is she taking an antidepressant?
Grief counselling is an option. If that doesn’t work would she regularly see a counselor?
Grief has several stages and it sounds like she hasn’t worked through to reach acceptance for resolution.
What did you mother like to do prior to all these unfortunate deaths and her health issues?
What used to make her happy? Grandchildren, etc?
She appears to feel despondent and alone. You are a good daughter to be caring for her and your other (living) brother and you appear to be on the same page in wanting to help her.
For that, your mother is very lucky.
Her grief is real and until she recognizes and copes with it, it will continue to plague her.
Try to offer her grief counseling and assure she is on an antidepressant. Good move in acquiring medication management going forward.
So many people take their medications incorrectly.
Also have her geritrician or PCP or local pharmacist (if you supply AL with her meds) or request the AL staff to ask their pharmacist to review all her medications closely. Pharmacists these days often perform Med reviews on those taking many medications (polypharmacy).
Maybe some of those medications can be stopped or have lost their effectiveness and are no longer needed. Your “8 pages” of meds supports my statement.
Being prescribed numerous pills make some people just give up or end up being too confused to realize what Med is prescribed by whom for what.
Losing a child is devastating for a parent. She lost a grandson too, then a best friend.
Does she have other grandchildren? They can alleviate the despair she feels on losing her grandson. Is she happy to see them when they visit?
Two years is a long time to be grieving. Work with her providers for their insight and keep being the good daughter you are. Thankfully you have another brother who feels the same way.
Together you two can hopefully help mother work this out on her own and get back to living.
Good luck to you!
I think I'd wait for professional input.
Yes, I have and am seeing a therapist and I am always a work in progress.
Her best east friend was her best friend from childhood. A wonderful lady and they were inseparable. She was part of our family. However, since you brought up spouse. I didn’t mention in original post but her husband, my father, died 11 yrs ago. And honestly I don’t think she’s dealt with that either. It was a quick and devastating diagnosis of cancer. Diagnosed in January and died 3 months later.
I do see that from her view that this is what it is in her eyes and she doesn’t have anything to look forward to. But I have to believe that counseling can help in some way. Even if she can get out some emotions, anger, things that she won’t say to me because she doesn’t want to upset me.
I will I’ll never give up on her because she never gave up on me.
Thank you you for your kind words.