JuliaRose Asked October 2019
How to prepare for the death of a husband?
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He has a living will, and the funeral is planned. What else do I need to get in order? What tips do you have? What do you wish you did differently?
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My Husband was on Hospice for 3 years. I watched him decline over 12 years. I was ready! I read pamphlets. I knew what to expect. I had the loving support of a great Hospice team. But I was not prepared for the emotions that came over me that morning 3 years ago! (2 years 362 days)
I was lucky in that I was able to keep him home, keep him comfortable. I was unprepared for the SILENCE of the house afterwards. The bed, that seemed to make so much noise previously was silent. As a matter of fact I turned it on just to hear the noise.
You may feel relief. If so it is relief for him not for you. and because of the feelings of relief ....
You may feel guilty. Don't
You may feel anger. That's fine just don't turn the anger on yourself. You know you did everything that you could.
There is no way to predict how you should feel, how you will feel.
There is no time line on grief.
This is not something that you "get over" you "go through" it.
Everyone has their own way to grieve.
I friend of mine, her husband died over 9 years ago. She still breaks down every time she starts talking about him. There are places they wanted to go as a couple and she will not go to any of them because he is not there.
Me..it has been 3 years, I occasionally break down but I do talk about my Husband, it keeps him with me. (and I see him in my Grandson and it makes me smile) There are places we wanted to go and I plan on going just so I can honor what he/we wanted to do.
There is a quote that relates to military but it is true for all....
A soldier dies twice, once on the battlefield and once again when they are forgotten. When we lay a wreath on the grave of a fallen soldier we say their name so they are never forgotten.
Go easy on yourself.
Don't make any major changes for a while.
Find a good Bereavement group if you need one. Go even if you don't think you do. If nothing else it will give you something to do and you will meet people that KNOW what you are going through.
And you are going to find out that you are a lot stronger than you thought you were.
1. I wish I had both of my parents and my sister record their own thoughts of their lives, those kind of meandering topics that flash back in the middle of the night when I wake up and really miss them.
There are aspects of my parents' childhood that I don't remember, and I wish I did. For me, there's just so much missing that I've either forgotten or never learned when we had leisurely reminiscing discussions about their early years. It really helps to remember them not only as parents but as people, and the challenges they faced and conquered.
2. I wish I'd asked to go through their slides and photos, and labeled them all. I have photos of people I don't know, whether they're relatives or friends, and what they meant to my parents' earlier years.
I began going through some slides yesterday and realized there are dozen, literally dozens if not more, slides, but no narratives. Were these solo trips my father took? How old was he at that time? Were the photos of my mother with her co-workers, or friends? I don't know, and all my relatives and my parents' friends from those day are also gone.
3. I had gotten duplicate keys of everything I thought I'd need, but I forgot about security/lock boxes, keys to the little Amigo we got, keys to the trailer. And titles to the trailer and boat are missing. Are they hidden somewhere in another safety deposit box, are were they taken by the someone I know was going through my father's belongings and "rearranging" and "indexing" them? I'll never know.
4. I should have prepared an inventory of my father's tools. He had an extensive collection, all organized, but now I can't find most of them. The shelves that once were full are now bare. I think he may have given some away, but I don't know, and I wish I did.
5. I can't find his uniform, medals or parachute. They meant a lot to me; I should have removed them years ago for safekeeping. It's the same situation with my mother's wedding ring - it's disappeared.
I have suspicions where these very personal items went, and how they disappeared, but I can't prove it, nor can I get them back.
At least I sat down with dad and inventoried key papers documents keys his wishes etc etc.
Things went missing -including tools I would have found useful - but it’s the memories and folks names...
The personal grief and quietness and emotional ups and downs are another thing altogether. I, personally, treasure my solitude so I have no problem with being alone. I spent many hours after my husband's death writing my feelings in a journa! I made heavy use of a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman. I participated in two bereavement support groups. The best ones encourage people share there emotions and experiences. (I'm NOT a fan of groups that use "workbooks" or have planned speakers or presentations.) You want to hear about real things from others who have been through the same yrauma. I am active in adult education classes and exercise groups at the YMCA which serve as social contacts as well being activities in their own right.
You are doing well to think ahead. Carry on.
Good luck to you.
I took pics of my FIL with our family about two weeks before he died. I treasure those pictures but wish I would have recorded his voice. I miss seeing and hearing him chuckle.
I hope you have patience with yourself as you face this journey.
After his death I felt empty but started to put praise tapes in my player and playing them over and over while praising the Lord. Praising my Lord, Jesus, was the only thing that gave me comfort, strength and peace.
I now am caring for my 81 year old husband who has alzheimers & know that he will leave me for heaven, don't know how soon but try to prepare for it. I am 83 & have some health issues but keep going with my Lord Jesus's help. He is the only way. I KNOW I will see each husband in heaven some day. God bless you
so what if the dishes aren’t done at the usual time
take time out for you - nature always helps me - a walk by the shore, watch a sunrise/sunset, gardening - whatever gives you that quiet moment for yourself
dont “beat yourself up” mentally over little things
look after yourself - do some meals ready in the freezer for those days you might not feel like cooking but can warm something up.
I’ve also started thinking about what I would like to do outside the house and making a list for later reference because I tend to seclude myself unless I have someone to go out and do something with. If I can look at the list, it might help me get out. But I know that I will need to take it slow and not force myself to be “normal,” whatever that might be. It might just be a reminder to walk to the park or go horseback riding, which I would like to get back into.
On a more practical side, I realized some of the house bills are still on his name and I need to switch them over. I’ll try to do that, if possible. Sometimes they require his authorization, which is tricky.
He‘s been telling me that he is dying for 5 years now. I’m finally starting to believe him.
He opted for cremation only b/c I did. He has not said what he would like to have as a service, and mine is all planned out. Said to just 'do whatever'.
(He is currently healthy and I am the one battling cancer right now).
So I decided that I would in fact, do "whatever". Probably a viewing for family and friends and then after the cremation, a simple 'gravesite' service. Some music he loved and a few words from each of the kids. No flowers, as he doesn't care, dinner at a restaurant that is not far from the cemetery. He truly does not care.
I am not being snarky, but the only song I can think of that would bring a smile to his face is the Rolling Stones "I can't get no Satisfaction".
I have faced his death so many times---I still think it will be shock to me. He's facing his mother's death, I doubt she'll make it to Christmas, and he is TOTALLY checked out about that.
If the kids want to make it a bigger deal than what I have outlined, they can knock themselves out. Funerals are for the living anyway.
I failed to name myself as the beneficiary on one of my Mom’s brokerage accounts with TD Ameritrade and the account went into probate for a few months. I had no access and had to pay my lawyer a couple thousand dollars, and it was a lot of phone calls and footwork to get everything corrected. Make sure to have a list of people and phone numbers to call to inform them of your loved one’s death. I believe the funeral home takes care of the social security call , but you might want to double check, and ask if you need to call Medicare/ Medicaid as well. I’m so sorry that it’s come to this point and my heart goes out to you at this incredibly difficult time. The last week of her ( my Mom’s) life, I put a framed wedding photo of my mom’s grandparents on the wall where she could see it, along with lots of other family photos, had her favorite music playing softly, and some scented candles. I slept in her bed beside her hospital bed every night. I felt like part of me was dying too, as I’m sure you feel. The Lord mercifully took her about a year ago. Of course I still miss so much about her, but the pain is less sharp now. Again, my deepest condolences go out to you.
(1) The funeral home will automatically notify Social Security electronically. If checks are not adjusted right away, be mindful you will have to pay it back later.
(2) If he is getting a military stipend, get the number to the Defense Finance/Accounting and call them. Do this now and keep it on your refrigerator, so you don't have to spend time looking for it at your most grievous moments.
As for grieving, that process is as individual as the person. It is, however, important you get the business side of death done to assuage the stress. Your mind will be like in a tunnel feeling like flatland.