He has agreed to help take care of our 90 year old parents on an equal basis. They need to have someone shop for groceries, clean the house, manage healthcare/doctors appointments, and cook some meals.
He doesn't do tasks that he enthusiastically says he will when in front of my parents. If it's something that cannot fall through the cracks, my dad calls me at the last minute to take care of it immediately. My brother tells him he has an emergency. I try to talk with my brother to resolve issues when he's there. He has to leave right away or he commands me to do the task, looks angry, and ignores me after that. He never acknowledges he committed to a task. He says I lied to my parents when I tell them he did.
I first noticed this problem when I was a teen decades ago. He's six years older. I know his behavior is nothing I can change.
Any suggestions on how I can deal with this? I know I cannot count on my brother for anything with caring for our parents. I feel dumb for thinking he would really take this on. His behavior does eat away at me though.
If their care and keeping up a home is too much for them, its not your responsibility. Maybe time to look into independent living or an Assisted living. If they are 90 than you are approaching retirement age if working. You too are a Senior. This they need to realize and that you have responsibilities of your own.
Just being kind of blunt here. 😊
Like your brother, she says enthusiastically, "I'll do the task!" in front of the parents. And then she doesn't. The tasks then fall on my friend every time. When my friend brings it up, the sister ignores her.
OP, here's my advice, which I also told my friend:
Your elder sibling is a liar. Tries to look good in front of the parents, therefore pretending to say "I'll do the task!"
Your elder sibling is not a good person. Unreliable, a liar and knowingly causing more work for you by WASTING YOUR TIME. (Example: if your brother had honestly said from the start that he wouldn't do those tasks, you would have made other arrangements so it doesn't fall on you in a very inconvenient way.)
If possible, cut ties with your sibling.
My brother took them 10 years ago to medical appointments. He wasn't paying attention. Both were told of chronic conditions and could have started treatments for them then. They didn't understand. So, these got worse until I took over their care a few years ago. I finally saw and alerted them. I realized my brother was told of these. I didn't think he was this clueless. It's scary to think this was on purpose. Not sure one way or the other. He brushed me off when I chided him about it.
Or they've been liars their whole life and never held accountable for anything. So they know that all they have to do is say the right thing in the moment and that will be enough.
No one will actually expect them to do anything. This is unacceptable.
The only way to get these kinds of people to keep their word and do what they say they will, is to hold them responsible.
Don't put their fires out, clean up their messes, or cover their a$$es. Make them face the consequences for their own actions or non-action.
If the OP's parents miss a doctor's appointment, or don't get supper on brother's night to cook, then let them do without. If brother doesn't step up, they have to cut him out of the equasion. Hire homecare help.
It's time for you to be the one who speaks and they listen.
You tell all three of them that you are not going to cover for your brother anymore when he doesn't show up to do the things he agreed upon.
Your brother humors your parents and tells then what they want to hear in the moment but had absolutely zero intentions to actually follow up on the promises he's making. There's a name for people like your brother - Liars. No doubt your brother has gotten away with this his entire life. He's not going to change now.
Now there will have to be a new arrangement. It comes in the form of hired in-home caregivers.
Mom and dad PAY for this new help out of their money. They come in on a schedule to cook meals, clean the house, and take them where they have to go.
Some or all of their doctor's appointments can be made during their aide's hours and they will take them to the appointments.
You have to learn to tell your parents 'NO'. You don't come running because your brother backs out. He has to be held responsible for his actions, not you.
So let your parents take it up with him the next time he skips out on helping them like he agreed.
You don't do it.
Also, you have to let go of letting your brother's behavior eat away at you. That's not healthy and you're hurting yourself. I know how it is to have a do-nothing sibling too, but there are options.
Please talk to a homecare agency.
But, I will talk to mom and dad to tell them I am not picking up the slack for my absent sibling. Then, I have to stick to it.
Another reason not to involve him: my brother will do something to get back at me. He's a liar and an abuser.
It's frustrating but I have to accept reality, and not wreck my life doing all the tasks of caregiving. I have to work through the resentment. It's better to have a life of peace than hitting my head against a wall.
Stop showing up for your parents for a few weeks.
Then, call the local Area Agency on Aging and request a "needs assessment" and case management services for your parents. Show up for that assessment. DO NOT clean up any messes or bring in any supplies; the AAA needs to see how they live.
If this doesn't result in any behavior change on your parents' part, the next step is to call Adukt Protective Services and report your parents as elders who are vulnerable and in need of help.
You can't, as one person and an older one at that, fulfill all of your parents' unrealistic expectations.
Get them on the path to getting the help they need.
I know I can't do this alone. Am exhausted from helping out a few days last week and stress about my brother. Have had it.
I have to take them to medical appointments and sit in though. Their English wasn't ever great and is declining with age. That'll be my only task.
Do they intend to continue to live at home with only your help?
I will figure out a way for getting help for them. Cannot do it all.
They may not like this, but you can't be responsible for keeping your brother's promises.
My brother made a video appointment with mom's pcp for tomorrow. I saw it in her online health group info. It was made yesterday according to my dad.
Dad also told me my brother can't make it. It's not the first appointment he doesn't plan to attend though he schedules it.
This time I'm doing nothing. I'm not even informing the doctor's office as I have many times before that he makes appointments planning neither to be there nor make arrangements for another person to accompany her. We'll see what happens.
I know the vacation part is true but cancer??? Am venting. No need to respond.
It’s only going to get worse. I learned the hard way…..do not do any caregiving if someone else has DPOA.
I am POA and let’s just say…his day will come. The less he does now and the more resentful I get, the less gracious I am going to be later. And the way my father structured things, my being gracious is something he will need.
Start doing it now or your future holds more of the same behavior
And a new arrangement could be is that he pays you to handle these things for him. And if he’s paying you maybe you can pay a caregiver to help you out.
Expecting his behavior to change since you’ve known him since your teens you already know the answer to the question - you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.
All you can do is back off and let him take responsibility for his own actions or do something different like I suggested with the money. Good luck to you!
If you do not have the money control then how can you pay for help?
I agree with “BarbBrooklyn”, involve the Area Agency on Aging, involve Adult Protective Services. Tell them the DPOA is MIA (missing in action).
They will hold the DPOA accountable.
That said, hopefully you are local. I guarantee you won't be able to delegate or count on him to do ANY caregiving whatsoever. You will be angry. Frustrated. Resentful. Stressed out. Trust me. I went through 10 YEARS of this. I was on anti depression medication (still am) and Ativan when the stress was overwhelming. Thankfully, I had a wonderful primary care doc and a husband who let me vent.
My advice is let it go. You already have experienced the disappointment, lack of caring, lying, and stress of dealing with your brother. He's not going to "come around" no matter how you talk to him and you can discuss it until you're blue in the face. Face it, he can't be relied upon. I'm trying to save your sanity with this advice. My Mom passed away 7 years ago and my brother moved 500 miles away. We no longer have any contact and I'm okay with it. He stressed me out for 10 years with his passive aggressive behavior and I'm so much better off not dealing with him anymore.
So what I'm saying is basically you will be taking care of Mom (like I did). Steel yourself and do the best you can. We're here for you to vent.
Then send him the bill. And TELL HIM that you are doing this.
Do not allow him to bully you. He is. He knows he can.
You need to stop this as he won't.